Loner Mindset Archives - A Merry Loner

How to Ask for Space from People You Love

Merry — Tue, 26 May 2026 09:44:22 +0000

It would do even extroverts well to spend more conscious time alone (admits this one extrovert who learned to enjoy spending time just with herself). Yes, we humans are social creatures, but even the most garrulous among us need time away from our herd, not because that herd is unpleasant or cloying, but because when we are constantly part of a group, we cannot truly be ourselves.

Certainly, there are people to whom we feel we can say anything, people who seem to understand our thoughts and intentions by grace of some unnamed, intangible force, sometimes even before we ourselves are aware of what’s forming within. But even they take our time and attention (no matter how willing we are to give it) away from our own internal dialogue. And we need this internal dialogue to work through new ideas, experiment freely, and decide for ourselves what we think, value, and feel.

Our internal dialogues are something to be preserved. And like all good things in life, sometimes ensuring that preservation means fighting for it.

But how to do so without leaving a bruise? How can we ask for space in a relationship? From dear friends who have softer boundaries for personal space than we do? From family members, who may mean well, but seem to have forgotten that we have grown up into adults with different temperaments, wills, and wishes than those that defined us in adolescence? From romantic partners who may have been taught, through no fault of their own, that codependency is the proof of a loving relationship?

Answering these questions raises another yet another: Whose feelings are more worth protecting?

Do we stifle our own need for space and solitude because we dub these needs somehow less vital than those of another to be near us, talk to us, touch us? Do we put what we feel is our duty to honor other people’s needs over the duty we owe to ourselves?

Building our compassion is a noble goal. We don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings; we don’t want to make them feel neglected or unloved. We want to be a considerate human being, capable of putting ourselves in another’s shoes. But in practicing empathy, we sometimes go too far, walking so long in someone else’s shoes that we forget how to find our own way back home.

It’s a path that can quickly lead to resentment. Resentment for having always, or at least too often, prioritized the needs of our partner over our own; for having submitted to our family’s wishes because we fear disappointing them; for having deferred to the decisions of our friend group, silencing our own opinions for want of keeping the peace.

But how can we really form our own opinions if we never give ourselves the time and space to sit with just ourselves? To pay attention to our own thoughts, unclouded and uninfluenced by someone else’s? How can we learn to be our pure selves if we’re always role-playing friend, sister, partner, father, co-worker, brother, mother?

It’s worth asking oneself: “Who are you without the personalities you’ve built by association? When all of the people for whom you play these roles are gone, who is the you that’s left?”

That’s the you only you can meet when you clear the space to meet them.

Clearing that space takes, quite honestly, courage to ask for what we need. Rather, not ask, but firmly, though politely, insist. Politely because — despite the torrent of self-help manifestos that encourage us to set boundaries and profess our own beliefs so loudly that we close ourselves off to the words of anyone who may have exhibited the slightest indications of perhaps having the chance to disagree with us — it takes two people to maintain a relationship. Politely because advocating for oneself does not have to come at the expense of someone else’s wellbeing. Politely because we may want a little more space in our relationship, but we do not need to sacrifice said relationship to get it. Politely because as a songwriter once said, “Being good to people is a wonderful legacy to leave behind.”

So we insist on that space, firmly though politely. That may look like, telling one’s partner that we need a little quiet time to ourselves after coming home from work, that those thirty minutes of solitude are by no means a rejection but a simple moment of introspective recharging; explaining to one’s parents that we are happy to share an evening meal with them but that we cannot partake in such a meal if they drop by sans invitation, sans announcement; letting a friend know that we value their closeness but we cannot respond to every message within ten minutes of receiving it.

It’s not always easy to ask for what we want. The task is even more difficult when we are unsure of what we need to feel less stressed and more fulfilled. We can begin the hard but glorious work of seeking those answers by dedicating regular time to intentional solitude, time we reserve exclusively for ourselves, without scrolling, music, or even books to occupy us. It’s only in this sacred space that we can hear ourselves, learn about ourselves, and eventually use those learnings to become a better person, for both ourselves and all the people we love.

Read six benefits of solitude and why intentional solitude is getting harder to come by. Learn why embracing this intentional alone time can actually help us meet new people and make new friends. And for an antidote to the poison Big Tech has pumped into our veins over the last fifteen-odd years, find strategies to help you quit social media so you can make space for intentional solitude.

Lest we forget, dedicating time for intentional solitude is never meant to come at the expense of building and maintaining meaningful relationships; healthy alone time is, in fact, necessary to form relationships that aren’t simply a means of avoiding ourselves. Ensuring that alone time means asking for space in a relationship, sometimes even from people we love.

If our loved ones seem unwilling, unable, or unsure how to fill this new time without us, help them learn how to enjoy their own company and how to get better at doing things alone. Better yet, give them the gift of finding comfort in their own company with this seven-day exercise on overcoming loneliness.

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The post How to Ask for Space from People You Love appeared first on A Merry Loner.

Why Being Alone Is Good for You

Merry — Mon, 30 Mar 2026 14:08:44 +0000

There are many benefits of solitude, but you have to give yourself the chance to sit there.

It’s the tale as old as time: “I’m afraid I will die alone.”

While such a worry often comes to us in more dire moments, like when a relationship dissolves or family ties begin to come undone, the fear of being alone also creeps its way into our everyday activities: going to a wedding alone; traveling alone; living alone; even celebrating Valentine’s Day alone.

When we compare our inner circle to that of those around us, it can sometimes feel embarrassingly small by comparison. Then that familiar pang of loneliness creeps in, and we’re quick to fill it with scrolling, watching, or consuming—content or otherwise.

But there’s no reason to be afraid of being alone. If you step back from the screen, fake friends, and other mind-numbing distractions and learn how to truly enjoy your own company, you’ll uncover a new, calmer, more peaceful world, one where doing things alone feels comfortable instead of punishing.

Though the silence may at first exacerbate feelings of loneliness, if you learn to sit with it instead of running to distractions, you’ll find you already have everything you need to be happy within you.

Here are six reasons why being alone is good for you and how it helps you live a more creative, fulfilling, connected life:

Not comforting sitting alone with yourself?

Learn how to find confidence and comfort in your own company with A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge.

The shortlist: 6 benefits of solitude that help you think clearly, create freely, and build more meaningful relationships

How spending time alone helps you:

Plus, why intentional solitude is getting harder and harder to come by.

More popular posts on the Loner Mindset:

Why Being a Loner Helps You Make New Friends

Quotes About Feeling Alone to Remind Us We’re Each Steering Our Own Ship

How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone

6 reasons why being alone is good for you

The benefits of spending time alone go beyond helping you decompress from a day of overstimulation.

Intentional solitude helps you think more clearly, live more creatively, and feel more confident. Over time, that confidence and comfort in your own company helps you build more meaningful relationships and make new friends more easily.

1. Think for yourself

It’s hard to know what you think when you’re constantly inundated with others’ opinions.

When you spend time alone, you give yourself the mental space to reflect on your life, the world, and what you truly believe without depending on or being influenced by the ideas of others.

And don’t beat yourself up for parroting your neighbor; it’s normal to do so.

In the 1950s, Polish-American social psychologist Solomon Asch conducted a series of conformity experiments where he examined people’s willingness to adopt an obviously incorrect belief due to social pressure. As summarized by EBSCO: “In the end, more than one-third of Asch’s test subjects conformed to the predominant, and incorrect, group answer.”

Over 70 years later, a 2023 replication and extension of the Asch experiment published by PLoS One confirmed the original findings.

Groupthink is a powerful force that few if any of us can evade entirely, but spending some time alone can help.

From menial decisions, like deciding what to wear or what we really think of that new film everyone is talking about, to more grave concerns, like choosing who to vote for or where you stand on the latest political polemic, taking time to separate from your pack, look away from your algorithm, and tune out the voices around you gives you room to ponder, puzzle, and come to your own conclusions based on none other than your moral compass.

Not really sure what you think about the world (or yourself)? Get to know yourself better with these 7 books on self-awareness.

2. Be creative and come up with new ideas

For the same reason I can’t write an original sentence while reading another, I can’t develop a new idea while consuming another.

What I consider one of the most important benefits of solitude is the space it affords you to daydream, experiment, and invent.

The neuroscientists are on my side.

In an interview for Stanford University’s Wu Tsai Neurosciences Institute, cognitive scientist Vinod Menon explains default mode network (DMN) and what happens when we let our minds wander:

“The default mode network is a collection of brain areas that becomes active when we turn our attention inward. And it’s a network that generates your internal mental life, your memories, your sense of who you are, your plans and daydreams, and the ongoing inner narrative that reflects our own individual experiences.”

Importantly, Menon stresses that “one of the key aspects of this system is that it’s actually suppressed during externally focused tension demanding tasks.”

Essentially, when you give your brain a break from the constant stream of external stimuli our modern world subjects it to, it starts connecting ideas, memories, and experiences to lead you to original, creative insights.

Perhaps this is why some of time’s most prolific writers, artists, and other creative minds have been described as recluse or solitary. Their proclivity to spend time alone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re anti-social or introverted but that they recognize it takes pointed time and space alone to think, dream, and create.

Does sitting in your own company feel more stifling than inspiring? You can shift it. Learn how to enjoy your own company (and why it’s so important).

3. Gain more confidence being yourself

Doing things alone has a hideous reputation. “Spend too much time alone,” people fearmonger, “and you’ll become a lonely, depressed, uncivilized hermit.”

A study published in Nature begs to disagree.

During a 21-day experiment, participants totaled how many hours they spent in solitude. The findings were thus:

Solitude doesn’t always lead to loneliness: People were lonelier and less satisfied on days when they spent more time alone, but this effect was reduced or disappeared “when daily solitude was autonomous,” i.e., chosen rather than forced.
It supports a sense of autonomy: On days when people spent more time alone, they reported feeling less stress and greater autonomy satisfaction, feeling “volitional, authentic, and free from pressure.”
There are long-term benefits to spending time alone: The benefits of solitude snowballed over time: “…those who spent more time alone across the span of the study were less stressed and more autonomy satisfied overall”—not lonelier.

More alone time only translates to more loneliness when it’s unwanted. But when you choose to actively spend time alone with yourself, stress goes away and you feel more comfortable and confident being you.

When we’re alone, the default is often to fill that empty space with social media. But imagine the places your imagination could take if you listened to it instead of your algorithm. These are the strategies that helped me learn how to quit social media.

4. Experiment and try new things

No matter how brash or confident one claims to be, trying something new is always tough, especially if you have an audience.

What if you fail? What if you embarrass yourself? What if everyone remembers you for a buffoonish utterance you wish you could take back?

Counterintuitively, it can feel even more nerve-wracking to try new things in front of people we know as opposed to a room full of strangers. If we experiment with reinventing ourselves, be it through new wardrobe choices, a change in social circles, or the simple trying on of a new habit, our inner circle is often the first the notice and interject unwelcome commentary:

“Oh, you’ve changed your hair?” “Is that how you’re dressing now?” “Since when do you read and quote Kerouac?”

Known social circles come with expectations and voices ready to question you if you deviate from the person they know you as.

Another one of the main benefits of solitude is the freedom and nonjudgmental comfort it provides to experiment and try new things. When you’re alone, there’s no audience (or judgment) to trail every experiment. You can try something new, fail, change your mind, and start over without anyone watching.

Research published in Metodo International backs up why being alone is good sometimes:

“Solitude can minimize forms of intrusive self-consciousness by reducing the immediate demands of experiencing oneself as the object of another person’s thoughts and actions. Other studies have shown that people have decreased self-awareness when they are alone.”

In other words, solitude removes the social pressure and fear of public failure that often holds us back from trying new things, giving us the comfort to experiment and reinvent ourselves, sans external noise.

If you’re simply at a loss of how to spend time alone without feeling anxious, lonely, or strange, just take baby steps. Read 5 simple ways to get better at doing things alone so you can start feeling confident and comfortable in your own company.

5. Build more intentional relationships

Ironically, another reason why being alone is good for you is that it helps you develop more intentional, genuine relationships.

When you’re lonely, uncomfortable in your own company, and desperate for companionship, you’re more likely to strike up a relationship with someone just because they’re available.

This goes for both platonic and romantic relationships.

When you don’t have anything to do on Friday night but you feel anxious about staying home alone, you jump at the first invitation that comes along. You go to restaurants you don’t like; you spend money on drinks that don’t fill your cup; and you wake up the next morning feeling tired, like you wasted the evening, and lonelier than ever as you look back on last night’s sour memories.

Chasing romance from a place of loneliness leads to similar if not more disastrous aftereffects.

When you’re not comfortable being single, you jump from partner to partner—not because you’re having fun meeting new people and learning about yourself along the way but because you feel incapable of living alone, making your own decisions, and spending time with just yourself. You prefer to default to someone else and absorb their friends, routines, and habits so you don’t have to sit with yourself, explore what really makes you happy, or put the effort in to build a life of your own choosing. You may have developed a fondness for your partner over time, but it’s based on proximity and convenience, not real connection.

Either way, when you avoid spending time alone with yourself and rush to fill every moment with a social engagement, you rob yourself of the chance to develop more meaningful relationships founded on a true desire to be with that person. Instead, you live your life with people who are simply there.

Do you still feel lonely, even though you’re in a relationship? It’s not necessarily your partner’s fault. Read guest writer Janine Canillas’s personal story on why so many of us feel alone in our relationships (and how to fix it).

6. Make new friends more easily

Everyone wants to make more friends, no matter how grouchy you may pretend to be.

But it’s getting harder.

Our individualist societies are becoming more and more pod-like. A 2025 survey from Pew Research Center shows 16% of all adults “feel lonely or isolated from those around them all or most of the time.” Worryingly, “adults under 50 are more likely than older adults to feel lonely”—not a good sign for the young’uns.

While making friends in school may seem easy, the years following graduation often spell isolation, loneliness, and eventual bitterness for many. If you didn’t find your crew and/or significant other in college, destined are you to search soullessly for your soulmates on an app, it seems.

But there are other ways to make new friends as an adult. You can go to in-real-life meetup events or join local clubs, for example.

The catch is, to turn random people you meet at events into friends, you need the confidence to approach strangers, be the one to text first, and initiate plans—again and again. These steps are much harder to take if you don’t have the ease and self-assurance to go to social events alone and strike up conversations with people you don’t know.

Practicing doing things alone can give you that confidence to make new friends.

Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to learn how to do things alone without feeling lonely so you can make life richer and more connected.

Why intentional solitude is getting harder to come by

In the midst of a global loneliness epidemic, it sounds counterintuitive to champion alone time. But spending time alone with yourself is when we can explore new ideas, fail without judgment, learn about ourselves, and build the confidence to create the life we want for ourselves.

That alone time, however, must be actively chosen and intentionally filled, i.e., no doomscrolling, binge-watching, or otherwise dulling ourselves with external stimulants.

Unfortunately, intentional solitude is getting harder and harder to come by:

The world is always on—and demands we are, too. Notifications are ever present. Work and friends alike pressure us to respond to all communications immediately. Almost no place of business operates without music playing in the background. Seeking silence and solitude is now considered a radical act (if not a selfish one) in a world that is constantly churning, shrieking, and vying for our attention.

Social media is considered a given, not an option. Strangers becoming friends at parties ask for my Instagram instead of my phone number; for many, the idea of existing offline is simply inconceivable. We must engage; we must perform; and we must be public. Otherwise, there’s something off about you.

Being alone is considered something to be feared instead of something to appreciate. You should get on an app and meet a partner; pull out your phone at the bus stop, instead of standing quietly with your thoughts; optimize your free time instead of sitting in boredom. There is so much pressure to constantly move, make, and monetize. Simply existing (and existing just for ourselves) is considered lazy or lame.

We are all alone—and that’s not necessarily a bad thing, so we should stop running from it.

For a philosophical mood lift, explore these quotes about feeling alone to remind yourself that we’re each steering our own ship and are responsible for our own happiness.

Conclusion: the benefits of solitude compound over time

Spending time alone is not an act of isolation or even overt individualism. It is a conscious effort to think for yourself, be more creative, gain more confidence, and try new things.

With the space to think without influence, daydream, experiment, and get to know yourself, you can start becoming the person you want to be. Along the way, building that confidence and comfort in your own company enables you to make friends more easily, build more meaningful relationships, and have an overall more creative, fulfilling, and connected life.

There are many benefits of solitude, but you have to give yourself the chance to sit there.

Next Steps:

Start getting over the embarrassment, anxiety, or self-consciousness of doing things alone. Learn 5 simple ways to get better at doing things alone.

Consider if you even like being with yourself—and why you should. Read 5 reasons why it’s important to learn to enjoy your own company and how to get started.

Practice spending time with just yourself. Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge so you can own the power of being alone.

Use the image below to save this post to Pinterest so this list is there when you need it.

Why Being Alone Is Good for You: Common FAQs

Is spending time alone good for you?

Yes, spending time alone can be very beneficial—if you do it intentionally. That means actively choosing to spend quality time with yourself rather than filling the silence with scrolling or binge-watching. The benefits of “me time” include learning how to think for yourself, developing a stronger sense of self, and then using that newfound self-confidence to make new friends and build deeper, more meaningful relationships.

Does it seem counterintuitive? Learn why being happy alone can actually help you make new friends.

Why spending time alone is important

Spending time alone is important because it gives you the space to think for yourself, experiment without judgement, and make decisions without outside pressure. Several studies on the psychology of being alone have actually shown that solitude can reduce self-consciousness and help you be more creative.

If you’re not comfortable sitting in solitude, see 5 reasons why it’s important to learn how to enjoy your own company—and how to get started.

Why is being alone good for your mental health?

Being alone can improve your mental health by reducing stress, lowering self-consciousness, and giving you space to feel free from outside pressure.

It’s easier to be happy being alone the more you work at it. When you sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge, you get one week of bite-sized daily challenges to help you practice spending intentional time alone so you can build self confidence, reduce social anxiety, and stop waiting on others to enjoy your life.

Is it healthy to be alone all the time?

Being alone all the time isn’t a good idea. Humans are social creatures, and we need friends, family, and community to feel our best. That said, adding in intentional alone time can help us better understand ourselves and our own needs, values, and patterns of behavior, which actually helps us strengthen our relationships and even make new friends more easily.

Learn why being a loner helps you make new friends, whether you’re moving to a new city or just facing a social dry spell.

Is it bad to prefer to be alone?

No, it’s not bad to prefer solitude. Many people genuinely feel happy being alone and use that time to recharge, reflect, or otherwise recreate. But you want to make sure you’re not isolating yourself or avoiding connection out of fear or anxiety.

If you want to learn how to spend time being alone but not lonely, check out 5 simple strategies to get better at doing things alone.

Can being alone be good for you?

Yes, being alone can be really good for you—when that alone time is intentional and balanced with healthy social interaction. Several studies on the psychology of being alone show that intentional (i.e., chosen) solitude can reduce feelings of stress and pressure and help you be more authentically you.

But fighting distraction, saying no to overstimulation, and truly enjoying spending time alone with yourself isn’t intuitive for everyone. See 5 reasons why it’s important to enjoy your own company—and how to get started.

Why being alone is powerful?

Being alone is very powerful because it forces you to think for yourself, get creative, and make your own decisions without any outside influence. Over time, this intentional solitude helps you become more confident, self-assured, and less likely to be influenced or controlled by others. That’s why people who master being alone and happy can often build stronger relationships.

Do you think you’re running into a relationship because you’re afraid of being alone? It’s a common pattern. This personal essay provides insight on why so many people feel alone in a relationship—and how to course-correct.

The post Why Being Alone Is Good for You appeared first on A Merry Loner.

Why Being a Loner Helps You Make New Friends

Merry — Tue, 03 Mar 2026 15:50:29 +0000

When you’re confident and comfortable in your own company, it becomes easier to talk to strangers, reach out first, and make plans repeatedly. That’s what builds friendship, whether you’re moving to a new city or just facing a social dry spell.

We are suffering from a loneliness epidemic. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you. Depending on whom you talk to, some might even tell you we’re suffering from a male loneliness epidemic, specifically. Whether we let men claim loneliness as their own personal plight or evaluate the larger spectrum of adult relationships, the present and future states of friendship look bleak:

People are making fewer friends. In 1990, one-third of Americans said they had 10 or more close friends. In 2021, just 13% said the same. Even worse, in 1990, only 3% said they had no friends. In 2021, 12% of Americans said they have no friends, per the Survey Center on American Life.
They’re going to fewer social gatherings. “Only 4.1% of Americans attended or hosted a social event on an average weekend or holiday in 2023—that’s a 35% drop from 2004, says The Atlantic.
They’re having less sex. “…researchers have become alarmed at declines in sexual activity around the world, from Japan to Europe to Australia,” explains Scientific American.

This isn’t just a problem with “the kids these days.” Across genders and generations, people everywhere are struggling to make new friends.

In this post, I share four truths on how to make new friends as an adult and why learning to get confident and comfortable in your own company will actually help you make more friends.

What it takes to learn how to make new friends as an adult

Four in ten U.S. adults describe making new friends as “hard” or “very hard,” per a survey from YouGov. I simply don’t agree. While I concede it takes time, pointed effort, and (let’s be honest) a little patience to make new friends in adulthood, I wouldn’t call it particularly hard. In fact, I find it even easier than making friends in college. That’s because I’ve accepted four key truths about how to make new friends:

1. To make new friends, you have to meet strangers.

Duh. All friends start out as strangers, which means if you want to make more friends, you have to start talking to more strangers.

I always say that friendship is like dating; it’s a numbers game. As you search for the people that feel like home, you may go to dozens of meet-ups, parties, or even app-facilitated events. Many of the people you meet there will not become your friends. Most, you will never see more than once or twice. Some you may see a few times on “friend dates” until you run out of things to say to each other and the lack of chemistry causes your outings to fizzle out.

But you don’t need 20 new friends right now. You just need a few close friends to make life better. And the more strangers you meet and mingle with, the greater your chances of finding those few close friends.

Not confident going to meet-ups and mingling with strangers? It takes practice getting comfortable trying new things on your own. A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge helps you build confidence doing things alone so meeting new people is easier and less daunting.

2. To make new friends, you have to reach out first.

Again, this sounds pathetically obvious, but really, this is where most people trip up when trying to make new friends in adulthood. Simply exchanging numbers with someone is not enough to turn them into the kind of friend you laugh until you cry with, share embarrassing stories with, and keep in your inner circle for years to come. You have to build up to that, one “friend date” at a time.

That requires making plans.

Imagine Jill, a young working professional who is having a hard time figuring out how to make friends in a new city. She goes to a meet-up event and has a jolly time enjoying a few drinks while mingling with strangers. She has a particularly interesting conversation with two women who, like her, love going to yoga class; the three even decide to exchange phone numbers. Everyone smiles and says they look forward to seeing each other soon.

Then everyone returns to their respective homes, and they never speak again. Why? Because each person is waiting for someone else to reach out. Each feels that if the other person doesn’t contact them, then they aren’t really interested in becoming friends.

In the end, nobody contacts anybody. What were once promising seeds of a beautiful friendship (or at least a very pleasant acquaintance, as we need those to be happy, too) die before they even get a chance to be planted.

This is where most people make a mistake when trying to make new friends. They believe making new friends after college is impossible: “I’m going to the events. I’m mingling with strangers. I’m exchanging numbers. But it doesn’t work. I never make new friends there.” They’re forgetting a crucial step: To turn strangers into friends, you have to have the courage to text first.

Find yourself scrolling social media more often than you spend time socializing? That’s a fast-track to feeling lonely, depressed, and isolated. Try these five strategies to quit social media to start reclaiming your time (and your sanity) from Big Tech.

3. To make new friends, you have to make plans, repeatedly.

How can you turn an acquaintance into a new friend? Repeated, regular contact.

To continue the above example: Let’s say Jill does have the courage to send the first text. She and Allison meet for coffee and go to a yoga class together and generally have a grand, old time. That’s still not enough to become friends. After all, you don’t make friends from one conversation. You make new friends from repeated, consistent interactions over time.

Why does it feel so easy to make new friends in college (and so hard in adulthood)?

When you’re in college, you’re forced to spend time with the same people, day in and day out. Maybe it’s your roommate or someone with whom you share a few classes. You might not even like each other at first, but after several months of prolonged exposure, overlapping experiences, and obligatory small talk via group projects or mutual acquaintances, you begin to form a bond.

That’s when friendship starts to take shape. Not with everyone, of course. We still have personalities. You’ll hit it off with some people more easily than others; some, not at all. But without spending any time together, how can you ever have the chance to hit it off?

After college, when we’re no longer living in artificial communities where the larger population has more or less the same lifestyle, it’s much harder to repeatedly see the same people every day (at least without our own doing).

We have to create these repeated, consistent interactions ourselves by taking the initiative to make plans, over and over again. Like this:

A few days after meeting someone new, invite them out for coffee.
If getting coffee was fun, tell them so afterwards. Then invite them to dinner a week later.
If things are still going well, invite them over later in the month for drinks with a few other potential friends.
By this point, if things actually are going well and you both enjoy spending time together, the seeds of friendship will naturally begin to germinate. But it takes effort to get the ball rolling.

You don’t make friends from one conversation. You make new friends from repeated, consistent interactions over time.

Moving to a new city and feeling lonely is a feeling too many people are familiar with. Read guest writer Gavin Williams’s personal essay on moving to a new city in his thirties and what unexpected change he made to overcome loneliness.

4. To make new friends, you have to separate yourself from your pack.

One of the easiest ways to make new friends is to meet friends of friends and let things snowball from there. This way, you don’t have to go out and meet strangers, build up the courage to text first, or even initiate regular meet-ups.

But sometimes, your friends can actually hold you back. When you’re constantly surrounded by people you already know, you live in a safe, familiar bubble, which severely limits your opportunities to try new things and meet new people. I’m no stranger to this familiarity trap, and I’ve observed it plenty in others, as well. Imagine:

You go to a party with one or two of your best friends. Instead of mingling with anyone new and talking with them beyond a few initial pleasantries, you spend the entire evening in the corner absorbed in conversations with your best friends.

On its own, there’s nothing inherently wrong with this; spending time with friends is obviously one of the greater joys of life. But if you’re trying to figure out how to make new friends, this approach isn’t going to help you. By over-relying on your existing friends and using them as a security blanket which which to navigate new social situations, you limit your exposure to new people and, thus, many opportunities to make new friends.

Are you afraid to step out of your comfort zone? It’s hard to know if you don’t really know yourself. Check out these seven books on self-awareness to help you learn more about who you are.

Why it’s easier to make new friends when you’re confident and comfortable in your own company

When we’re young, making new friends is as natural as asking your kindergarten peer, “Do you want to be my best friend?” In high school, the friendship-building experience is easy for some, brutal for others. In college, social interactions tend to get easier for most. By adulthood, however, the ease with which we make friends seems to vanish, as evidenced by a study from the Survey Center on American Life that reveals those who don’t go to college have noticeably smaller social networks than those who do.

The solution to learning how to make new friends in adulthood isn’t downloading more apps or going to more meet-ups. These moves can be helpful, but they’re only one part of the equation. Instead, making new friends starts with getting comfortable being alone. Here’s why:

It’s easier to meet (and talk to) strangers

Meeting strangers is nerve-wracking, anxiety-inducing, and downright scary for a lot of people. The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that 12% of U.S. adults (that’s about 41 million people) have experienced some social anxiety disorder at at least one point in their lives.

But you have to meet people you don’t know in order to make new friends. And it’s a lot easier to talk to strangers if you’re confident and comfortable with yourself.

It’s less nerve-wracking to reach out first.

To turn a stranger into a known, trusted friend, you have to see them over and over again. That doesn’t happen by itself. Someone has to step up to the plate and reach out first. And because we’re adults taking control of our own lives, that “someone” is you.

It’s much easier to send that first text (and not stress about the slowness or lack of a response) when you’re already confident, comfortable, and content with who you are. Without healthy self-esteem to begin with, you’re much more vulnerable to ghosting or rejection (which are inevitable parts of life, no matter how great we are).

It’s more natural to make plans, again and again.

After you’ve built up the courage to put yourself out there and send the first text, you probably haven’t made a new friend yet. It takes more than one coffee to develop a relationship, which means sending those texts over and over again to invite people for dinner, wish them happy birthday, or suggest a weekend party.

It’s hard to remember to make plans if you’re not playing an active role in your own life, like waiting to be invited to events or just generally waiting for life to “happen” to you. But if you are a confident, engaged character in your own life, then hosting a dinner party, taking day trips, or planning other activities where you can invite other people to join you is as natural as waking up in the morning.

It’s not scary to try new things alone.

You can’t try new things and meet new people if you’re too busy talking to those you already know.

But leaving behind your social security blanket is hard to do if you don’t have the confidence to step out of your comfort zone, put yourself in different situations, and try new things on your own.

Conclusion: Learning how to make new friends starts with you alone

A common gripe of the modern era is the ongoing friendship recession. People are lonely, lacking community, and unsure how to develop close ties after school. The answer is not downloading another app or texting your ex in hopes of rejoining your old friend group. Making new friends starts with you.

By learning to get confident and comfortable in your own company, it’ll be easier to meet and talk to strangers, initiate plans, and make new friends, whether you’re moving to a new city or just facing a social dry spell.

Friends are undeniably one of the treasures that makes life worth living, but don’t forget that creating a life you love starts with you.

Next Steps:

Sign up to attend one event this month. You can use tools like Creative Lunch, Meetup, or Facebook groups to find events near you.

Text one acquaintance already in your contacts. Don’t overthink it. A simple, “How’s it going? Want to grab a coffee this week?” can go far.

Remind yourself that you’re steering your own ship. If you’re feeling lonely, check out these quotes on feeling alone to remember that the cure for loneliness must come from you.

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How to Make New Friends: Common FAQs

How to make new friends

It’s simple: talk to strangers; then talk to them again and again until they become friends. But that requires putting yourself in new environments where you can meet strangers and then reaching out first to make plans, both things that are difficult if you lack self-confidence. Read How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone to learn how to find confidence and comfort in your own company.

Why is it so hard to figure out how to make new friends as an adult?

School forces us to spend time with the same people over and over again, naturally setting the stage for long-term friendships. But when you’re on your own as an adult, you have to take the initiative. That means pushing yourself outside your comfort zone and building up the courage to reach out first. It gets easier with practice, though. Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to learn how to get more confident and comfortable trying new things (like talking to strangers) by yourself.

How to make new friends in your 20s, 30s, 40s, or 50s?

Whether you’re fresh out of college or beginning to think about retirement, the same four truths about making new friends apply. To make new friends, you have to: 1) meet strangers; 2) reach out first; 3) make plans, repeatedly; 4) step outside of your known friend group. All of these steps are easier when you’re already confident and comfortable trying new things alone. If you’re not there yet, try these four ways to learn how to enjoy your own company.

Where can I make new friends as an adult?

To make new friends, you have to do four things: 1) meet new people; 2) invite those new people to hang out; 3) keep inviting them to hang out; 4) give yourself permission to meet new people without your friends keeping you company. You can start by meeting new people online from events organized by Creative Lunch, Meetup, or Facebook groups. If you’re really confident trying new things on your own, you can meet new people by joining clubs, going to the gym, volunteering, signing up for co-working spaces, etc.

Not confident showing up to new events by yourself? Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to get confident and comfortable in your own company so you can get out there, meet new people, and make new friends.

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The post Why Being a Loner Helps You Make New Friends appeared first on A Merry Loner.

Quotes About Feeling Alone to Remind Us We’re Each Steering Our Own Ship

Merry — Fri, 30 Jan 2026 19:36:59 +0000

Consider these quotes a chance to rub shoulders with unmet kindred spirits.

It’s really impossible to avoid. No matter how many friends we have, how cherished we feel by our family, or the current state of our romantic entanglements, at the end of the day, we are all on our own.

Being alone is something we can’t escape, though many people try.

In moments of quiet, they rush to the screen to fill the void, staring at Reels that don’t interest them but are simply there.

Or they swipe through dating apps, not really with any intention of meeting someone. But it’s something to fill the time; to pique the curiosity; to busy the fingers; to attempt to assess our own appearance, status, and social standing by seeing how we stack up against the other fish in the sea.

Others choose to wallow, to lament their solitude and what they perceive as their unique suffering: “No one understands my grief, my troubles, my depression, my demons.”

But they do.

Perhaps not everyone. It’s unlikely that every soul you cross is a long-lost kindred spirit who can understand your intimate yearnings and despair with nary a glance. After all, those are your crosses to bear; they have theirs.

But in recognizing that each of us is lost on our individual paths, searching for meaning and something to give substance to the confusing series of events we call life, we can find a comfort.

That comfort is knowing we are all lost and alone and swimming through the dark. But every now and then, we brush fingers with a passing swimmer and are reminded that, though we may be paddling alone, floundering and thrashing, we are all together in the same ocean, fighting against the same currents, trying our best to stay afloat.

Consider these quotes a chance to rub shoulders with unmet kindred spirits. They may not share your exact troubles, but they can understand the pain.

Still feeling lonely? The cure for loneliness doesn’t come from others; it comes from within.

If you want to learn how to get comfortable being alone in your own company, join A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge.

The shortlist: 42 quotes about feeling alone to make you feel less lonely

8 quotes about feeling alone in life — to help you get more comfortable in solitude

4 quotes about feeling alone and unwanted — to help you find self-worth in alone time

4 quotes about feeling alone and lost — to remind you that the way forward is by charting your own path, not following others’.

5 quotes about feeling alone in a relationsip — to remind you that solitude is not something to be rescued from

5 quotes about feeling alone in a crowd — to remind you that the cure for loneliness must come from you

3 quotes about feeling alone and depressed — to remember that sadness is a part of the human condition and is always surmountable

6 short quotes about feeling alone — to teach you that alone time isn’t punishment

7 inspirational quotes about feeling alone — to remind you that solitude is not only worthwhile but necessary

More popular posts on the Loner Mindset:

How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone

How to Enjoy Your Own Company

Feeling Alone in a Relationship? It’s Not Always About the Other Person

Quotes about feeling alone in life

There’s no point in trying to run away from loneliness; it is a part of life.

When you learn to not fear solitude but embrace the time and space it gives you to think deeply and experiment freely, then you’ve found the key to a more peaceful life.

Test the waters of spending time alone with these six quotes about feeling alone in life:

1. “All great and precious things are lonely.”

Speaker: John Steinbeck, American writer (1902—1968)

2. “We live as we dream: alone....”

Speaker: Joseph Conrad, Polish-British novelist (1857—1924)

3. “If one's different, one's bound to be lonely.”

Speaker: Aldous Huxley, English writer and philosopher (1894—1963)

4. “Loneliness is and always has been the central and inevitable experience of every man.”

Speaker: Thomas Wolfe, American writer (1900—1938)

5. “ Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.”

Speaker: Janet Fitch, American author (1955—)

6. “Loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself.”

Speaker: Rupi Kaur, Indian-Canadian poet, illustrator, photographer, and author (1992—)

7. “That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you're not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.”

Speaker: F. Scott Fitzgerald, American novelist, essayist, and short story writer (1896—1940)

8. “She was beautiful, in the quiet way that lonely, unnoticed people are beautiful to those who notice them.”

Speaker: Jedediah Berry, American writer (1977—)

Want to do more soul-searching than short quotes on feeling alone can provide?

Explore these five Books on Existential Dread, including novels, poetry, and philosophical writings, to probe your inner thinker.

Quotes about feeling alone and unwanted

We often view solitude, not as something we’ve chosen, but as something that has happened to us. If we are alone, it means we have been rejected; we have been left out; nobody wants to love us or hold us.

But that’s not true. Solitude is not a curse foisted upon us but the very place where we can most be ourselves. Learn to find self-respect and self-worth in your alone time, and you will no longer fear the quiet days.

Get inspired with these 4 quotes about feeling alone and sad:

1. “For fear you will be alone, you do so many things that aren’t you at all.”

Speaker: Richard Brautigan, American novelist, poet, and short story writer (1935—1984)

2. “If you feel unwanted or unappreciated where you are or by those you're with, it only means you're in the wrong place or with the wrong people. Hang in there. Someone else will see you for the true gift you are.”

Speaker: L.K. Hunsaker, American writer (unknown)

3. “I feel profoundly alone, cut off, unattractive…I feel unloveable. But I respect that unloveable soldier—struggling to survive, struggling to be honest, just, honourable. I respect myself.”

Speaker: Susan Sontag, American writer and critic (1933—2004)

4. “I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.”

Speaker: Warsan Shire, British writer, poet, teacher (1988—)

When we feel unwanted by people, we often cushion the blow by wanting material things.

“Once I have these things, then I will be better,” we tell ourselves. “And then I can be loved.”

Don’t be tricked into thinking material goods can take away your loneliness.

Read How to Stop Wanting Things to finally stop trying to fill the void.

Quotes about feeling alone and lost

It’s a natural default to turn to others for guidance.

Surely, others know more than we do. We may not know the details of their lives, their inner turmoil, or their own shortcomings, but from the outside, they seem to be doing much better than we.

So we try to copy them.

This is a mistake and one we are more likely to make when feeling alone, lost, or unsure of what to do next.

Read these 4 quotes about feeling alone and lost to remind yourself that the way forward is by charting your own path, not following another’s:

1. “Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony.”

Speaker: Douglas Coupland, Canadian novelist, designer and visual artist (1961—)

2. “God, but life is loneliness, despite all the opiates, despite the shrill tinsel gaiety of 'parties' with no purpose, despite the false grinning faces we all wear. And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter—they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long. Yes, there is joy, fulfillment and companionship—but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible and overpowering.”

Speaker: Sylvia Plath, American poet and author (1932—1963)

3. “If you don't like the scene you're in, if you're unhappy, if you're lonely, if you don't feel that things are happening, change your scene. Paint a new backdrop.”

Speaker: Leo Buscaglia, American writer, motivational speaker, and professor (1924—1998)

4. “But you can vanquish the demons only when you yourself are convinced of your own worth.”

Speaker: Adeline Yen Mah, Chinese-American author and physician (1937–)

Moving is a major cause of loneliness.

When we step away from familiar surroundings, we sometimes feel like we’re stepping away from our own identity: “Who am I without these people, these places, these things I recognize?”

But wherever you go, you are still there. You still have you.

Read Moving to a New City in Your 30s—Feeling Lonely in Your “Prime” for a true story of searching for fulfillment in new places, only to realize that home and contentment were always within.

Quotes about feeling alone in a relationship

It’s a common misconception that the easiest way out of loneliness is to tie yourself to someone else.

But relationships, whether romantic or familial or platonic, cannot stop us from feeling lonely if we aren’t at peace with ourselves. Actually, getting tangled up in a romantic affair with someone who is merely there to fill the space is a surefire way to feel even more lost, misunderstood, and alone.

These five quotes about feeling alone in a relationship remind us that solitude is not something to be rescued from:

1. "I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.”

Speaker: Robin Williams, American actor and comedian (1951—2014)

2. “It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company.”

Speaker: George Washington, a Founding Father and first president of the USA (1732—1799)

3. “People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don’t think that’s true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.”

Speaker: Kim Culbertson, American author (unknown)

4. “I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”

Speaker: Hunter S. Thompson, American journalist and author (1937—2005)

5. “Don't attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you're lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. The best thing you can do it know yourself... know what you want.”

Speaker: Janet Fitch, American author (1955—)

What is the real reason so many people feel alone in their relationship?

It’s not their partner’s fault. It’s their own. Read why loneliness in a relationship isn’t always a shared responsibility.

Quotes about feeling alone in a crowd

People do not guarantee connection or understanding or fulfillment. Surrounding ourselves with others can give us a preliminary, surface-level validation: “People like me. I must have value.”

But when we rely on others for validation, our self-worth becomes as fickle as their attention.

Here are five quotes about feeling alone in a crowd to remind you that the cure for loneliness must come from you:

1. “When you’re surrounded by all these people, it can be lonelier than when you’re by yourself. You can be in a huge crowd, but if you don't feel like you can trust anyone or talk to anybody, you feel like you’re really alone.”

Speaker: Fiona Apple, American singer-songwriter (1977—)

2. “We are all alone in this world; even in a crowd.”

Speaker: Kenneth G. Eade, American attorney, political activist, and author (1957—)

3. “People empty me. I have to get away to refill.”

Speaker: Charles Bukowski, German-American poet, novelist, and short story writer (1920—1994)

4. “A crowd is not company.”

Speaker: Seneca the Younger, Stoic philosopher (4 BC—AD 65)

5. “Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.”

Speaker: Carl Jung, Swiss psychiatrist, psychotherapist, psychologist (1875—1961)

Likes, comments, follows, and subscribers cannot cure loneliness.

They may provide a tingle. They may spark a little joy. They may stroke the ego. But when those sensations evaporate, we’re often left feeling more hollow and hungry for validation than ever before.

Stop the chase. Learn How to Quit Social Media and find 30+ ideas to replace the urge to scroll—morning, noon, and night.

Quotes about feeling alone and depressed

Depression is not something to take lightly, to meme-ify, or to self-diagnose. It is serious suffering that impedes and impairs.

If you or someone you know needs help in the USA, you can call or text 988 or chat at www.988lifeline.org.

If you merely need a few moments to remember that sadness is a part of the human condition and is always surmountable, find comfort in these three quotes about feeling alone and depressed to know others share your plight:

1. “There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”

Speaker: Laurell K. Hamilton, American fantasy and romance writer (1963—)

2. “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.”

Speaker: John Milton, English poet, polemicist, and civil servant (1608—1674)

3. “What people never understand is that depression isn’t about the outside; it’s about the inside.”

Speaker: Jasmine Warga, American children’s and YA book author (1988—)

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but: There is no end to sadness in life.

That doesn’t mean life can’t also be joyous and buoyant and celebratory.

Learning to accept the bad with the good can help us enjoy the good moments even more and remember that the bad, no matter how all-encompassing it may now feel, will at some point, also be behind us.

Read “Life Is Sad and Then You Die.” Why this is the motto that will bring you peace.

Short quotes about feeling alone

Alone time isn’t a punishment. It’s where thinking, reflecting, and resting happen.

But we’ve been conditioned to see alone time as embarrassing, selfish, or even shameful. Let these six short quotes about feeling alone change your mind:

1. "If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.”

Speaker: Andy Rooney, American radio and television presenter (1919—2011)

2. “If you are never alone, you cannot know yourself.”

Speaker: Paulo Coelho de Souza, Brazilian lyricist and novelist (1947–)

3. “You cannot be lonely if you like the person you are alone with.”

Speaker: Wayne Dyer, American self-help author (1940—2015)

4. “Solitude makes it possible for us to literally enjoy ourselves.”

Speaker: Mokokoma Mokhonoana, South African author and philosopher (1985—2023)

5. “If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company.”

Speaker: Jean-Paul Sartre, French philosopher, playwright, novelist, screenwriter, political activist, biographer, and literary critic (1905—1980)

6. “The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.”

Speaker: Mark Twain, American writer, humorist, and essayist (1835—1910)

Do you feel embarrassed doing things alone? Selfish for taking time for yourself? Or ashamed to be without a partner?

Solitude isn’t shameful. It’s where peace is found and creativity is born.

Learn how to reclaim your solitude and find peace doing things alone with A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge.

Inspirational quotes about feeling alone

Spending time alone can certainly feel lonely. It’s no secret that we are social beings who crave connection, compassion, and community. But that doesn’t mean solitude has to be a punishment.

We should never let ourselves reach the point where we are so desperate for external validation that self-appreciation becomes worthless.

Let these seven inspirational quotes about feeling alone remind you that solitude is not only worthwhile but necessary:

1. “In the middle of winter, I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer.”

Speaker: Albert Camus, French philosopher, novelist, author, journalist, and political activist (1913—1960)

2. “When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”

Speaker: Elizabeth Gilbert, American journalist and author (1969—)

3. “A season of loneliness and isolation is when the caterpillar gets its wings. Remember that next time you feel alone.”

Speaker: Mandy Hale, American blogger (unknown)

4. “Someday you’re gonna be all alone, so you need to figure out how to take care of yourself.”

Speaker: “The Queen’s Gambit,” American miniseries (2020)

5. “Even in the loneliest moments I have been there for myself.”

Speaker: Sanober Khan, Mumbai-based poet and writer (unknown)

7. “It’s easy to stand in the crowd but it takes courage to stand alone.”

Speaker: Mahatma Gandhi, Indian lawyer, anti-colonial nationalist, and political ethicist (1869—1948)

Are you afraid of being alone?

Afraid of turning into a spinster? Being a forever bachelor? Being friendless. Childless. All descriptors we’ve accidentally made synonymous with “worthless.”

Learn why being alone isn’t only not something to be afraid of—it’s the key to happiness.

Conclusion: Quotes of feeling alone remind us we are the only constant in our own lives

Loneliness is unavoidable. Just consider how individual and unique every human being is.

How can we expect others to understand (or even be aware of) the intricacies of each year of our lives that laced together have made us who we are today? They cannot.

This does not mean we cannot experience profound connection or camaraderie or closeness with others. These moments are necessary to the human experience and should also be prioritized.

But as we bond and grow with others, we must never lose the bond we maintain with ourselves. The bond we can only cultivate when we are alone.

This is not a call to shun community or to isolate. But when lonely moments do arrive, don’t rush to fill them with external stimuli. Let yourself steep in them.

For as the years go by, life is made up of many moments of solitude. How will you fill yours?

Next Steps:

Practice spending time alone—without using external stimuli to numb yourself. Join A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge for daily exercises to teach you how to find comfort in your own company.

Scale back the strange voices you let in. It’s hard to get to know yourself and listen to your intuition when you’re constantly consuming ads, videos, and other people’s ambitions. But you don’t have to let them in. Learn How to Quit Social Media to reclaim your time and sanity.

Give yourself permission to spend time with yourself. It isn’t selfish, embarrassing, or shameful. See 5 reasons why it’s important to learn to enjoy your own company.

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Quotes About Feeling Alone: Common FAQs

What are some quotes to read when you’re feeling alone?

One quote from Joseph Conrad, Polish-British novelist comes to mind: “We live as we dream: alone.”

For deeper musings on feeling alone in a turbulent world, crack open Books for Existential Dread.

What are the best quotes about loneliness?

My favorite author, F. Scott Fitzgerald, said: “That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longers are universal longings, that you’re not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.”

Read seven more quotes about feeling alone in life for a new perspective on loneliness.

Is there a quote about love and feeling lonely?

British writer, poet, and teacher Warsan Shire shares a poignant one: “I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.”

See four more quotes about feeling alone and unwanted to help you feel less lonely in love.

What are some quotes on finding happiness in loneliness?

“In the middle of winter, I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer,” said French philosopher, Albert Camus.

Get more perspectives on finding peace in solitude with six more inspirational quotes about feeling alone.

Merry

Merry is the blogger behind A Merry Loner, a full-time freelance writer, and a lifelong bookworm. Since kindergarten, it was her dream to become a novelist. (She likes to think she's headed in the right direction.) Born and raised in Rhode Island, where she earned a triple-major BA in writing, communication, and French from the University of Rhode Island, she moved to Toulouse, France after the pandemic to complete a master's in creative writing at Univeristé Toulouse Jean — Jaurès. She now lives in Paris with husband.

Discover how the merry loner lifestyle makes life more enjoyable:

LONER MINDSET: fresh perspectives on learning to genuinely enjoy your own company

BOOKS: reading lists for people who love being alone with a good story

ANALOG LIVING: inspiration to step back from the screen and live a life offline

SOLO TRAVEL: guides on where to go and how to enjoy it alone

MINDFUL CONSUMPTION: vetted recommendations for a simpler, less wasteful life

LONER Q&As: interviews from global voices on how to live a meaningful, enjoyable life

The post Quotes About Feeling Alone to Remind Us We’re Each Steering Our Own Ship appeared first on A Merry Loner.

How to Spend Xmas Alone Without Feeling Lonely or Left Out

Merry — Fri, 19 Dec 2025 18:23:03 +0000

One Christmas alone doesn’t mean all Christmases will be alone. This year may be a quiet moment—that’s okay.

Spending Christmas alone is a lot more common than people realize.

A Mission for Michael (AMFM) conducted a survey in December 2025, combining the results with US census data to estimate how many people will spend Christmas alone this year: 16.3 million.

But spending the holidays alone isn’t just an American phenomenon.

A study by the Policy Institute at King’s College London found that one in nine people in the UK will spend Christmas alone this year—that’s double the number of solitary Christmas celebrations from 1969.

No, this isn’t just more fodder about the loneliness epidemic that everyone’s going on about. According to AMFM’s survey, 16% actually say they prefer to spend Christmas alone.

Unsurprisingly, however, they’re in the minority. Twenty-five percent say they feel lonely about spending Christmas alone; 22% say it makes them feel sad.

This is not a post to encourage you to spend the holidays alone (unless you want to). But against our own wishes, there are sometimes factors at play that prevent us from being with loved ones on the holidays.

Your friends and family may live far away, and the cost of travel just isn’t feasible this year. Maybe you have to work during Christmas and can’t make it to your family’s festivities. Or perhaps you moved to a new city alone or you’re otherwise going through a phase in your life where your social circle is small. It happens.

If you’re spending the holidays alone this year, know that this is not your fate. Life will continue, and you will celebrate with loved ones again.

In the meantime, though, you can still bring some holiday cheer to your own loner Christmas.

As I like to call it, here’s a guide to A Merry Loner’s Christmas:

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The shortlist: 11 things to do on Christmas alone

Don’t treat it like a regular day (because it’s not)

Get dressed up (even if you’re staying at home)

Stay off social media (it’ll make you feel better, I promise)

Leave the house at least once (even if it’s just for a walk)

Treat yourself to a special meal—homecooked or in a restaurant

Bake something festive: gingerbread cookies, bread, cake

Watch a Christmas movie—but don’t spend the whole day in front of the screen

Volunteer—it’s a great way to remember you’re not the only one spending the holidays alone

Write Christmas or New Year’s letters to put in the mail tomorrow

Go to a local event (markets, festivals, light displays)

Consider going to church (even if you’re not religious, you might enjoy the sense of community)

More popular articles on the Loner Mindset:

How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone

How to Enjoy Your Own Company

Moving to a New City in Your 30s—Feeling Lonely in Your “Prime”

How to spend Christmas alone: a plan for spending the holidays alone and enjoying it

How to cope with spending holidays alone? Know that this is not your forever fate. The tides will change, and you will be merry under the mistletoe again.

For this year, see the day as an opportunity to spend time with yourself and celebrate the forgotten joys of solitude.

1. Don’t treat it like a regular day

Because it isn’t. And just because you’re spending Christmas alone this year, it doesn’t mean you can’t make it feel special.

Actually, the more you sit around feeling glum and sorry for yourself, the worse you’ll feel.

Instead, think about your solo Christmas as a blissfully free day to spend entirely by yourself and for yourself doing what you please, when you please, how you please.

For all my people-pleasers out there, all this “me time” can often be quite challenging, especially if you’re used to deferring to others for weekend plans, restaurant reservations, and travel itineraries.

Try this: Forget it’s Christmas and all ideas of activities you’re “supposed” to do. If you had a free day off to do whatever you wanted, what would you do? Can you plan your solo Christmas Day around that?

If spending the holidays alone has got you feeling down…

Consider this your opportunity to learn how to enjoy your company. (I promise you, it’s worth the effort.)

See why learning to enjoy your own company is important—and how to start.

2. Get dressed up

As tempting as it may be, don’t spend the whole day in your pajamas. This is generally a good rule, even when you’re not at home alone for Christmas.

While it might seem cozy to spend the whole day snuggled up in your softest pants and sweaters, it’s not the best move for your mental health:

A study published in The Medical Journal of Australia showed that wearing pajamas during the day “was significantly associated with more frequent reporting of poorer mental health than non-p[a]jama wearers.”

This wasn’t part of the study, but I would also posit that dressing up in slightly fancier clothes will make you feel even better than just throwing on a casual tee shirt and jeans.

I refuse to believe it’s a coincidence that I feel better leaving the house when I’m wearing a fabulous pair of shoes and that I generally feel like crap if I spend the whole day in a sweatshirt with unbrushed hair (but that’s just me).

TLDR: This is your invitation to don your favorite Christmas sweater, your holiday party dress, your high heels, your suit, or your red lipstick—even if no one will see you and you never leave the house.

3. Stay off social media

Again, another good rule of thumb in life.

I don’t think I need to tell you that obsessively scrolling social media is probably the worst habit we’ve collectively picked up as a society. I won’t get into it all here, but Stanford Law School has compiled a systematic review summarizing the cataclysmic effects of social media on both our mental and physical health, including but not limited to:

Depression
Anxiety
Psychological distress
Suicide
Attention deficits
Increased aggression
Low self-esteem

Why bring any of this energy into your holiday (or any day, for that matter)?

Still, I know it’s easy to reach for the phone, especially when you’re spending the whole day alone and are looking for connection or at least entertainment.

But you have other options. Check out 30+ ideas for what to do instead of social media—on Christmas day or any day.

Does it feel impossible to put the phone down?

We’ve all been there. Social media companies literally spend millions of dollars and employ hundreds of people to keep us hooked on the scroll.

But you only need a few simple tricks to retrain your brain and kick your doomscrolling habit.

Learn how to quit social media (without deleting your accounts or going cold turkey).

4. Leave the house at least once

There’s nothing wrong with dressing in your Christmas finery just to dance around your kitchen to Mariah Carey and eat gingerbread cookies. But for your physical health and your sanity, I strongly encourage you to leave the house at least once when you’re spending Christmas alone.

Depending on where you live, there might be some places open on Christmas, like coffee shops, movie theaters, or restaurants. These are all great options to get out of the house and see the world instead of holing up alone and wondering what to do on holidays alone.

But if you don’t have the courage to eat alone at a restaurant on Christmas day, simply heading out for a walk will work. In fact, it’s probably the best thing you can do for yourself:

A mindful walk decreases anxiety and stress, per a study from the International Journal of exercise science.
Taking 1,000 steps per day could reduce depression by 10%, per a peer-reviewed medical journal published by the American Medical Association.
The rhythm of a walk produces a specific brainwave linked to improved mood, explains NewScientist.

Not supported by science, but I bet listening to Christmas music—or at least walking past a few decorated houses—during your walk ups the ante.

5. Treat yourself to a special meal

Either at a restaurant or at home.

I personally love taking myself out to dinner because I don’t really like cooking; instead of experimenting in the kitchen, I’d much rather spend a few hours luxuriating over something tasty, a wonderful book, and a glass(es) of wine.

But if this isn’t in your budget or comfort zone, a home-cooked meal can be equally luxurious. And I say, why not pull out all the stops? Like a three-course meal for one:

Appetizer: Soup or salad (or both)

Entrée: A sheet pan dinner is an easy, hands-free way to cook a full (delicious) meal without spending hours in the kitchen
Dessert: Ice cream, cake, or Christmas cookies

Does the idea of eating alone in a restaurant freak you out?

That’s okay, most people get nervous about this, too. And then they realize how freeing it feels.

6. Bake something festive

The obvious choice is Christmas cookies (I’m partial to gingerbread), but you go with whatever your heart desires, whether that’s simple chocolate chip cookies, sourdough bread, or a three-layer cake with fresh cream.

In addition to gingerbread cookies, my family always keeps a Christmas tea bread on hand to have in the morning with coffee and tea while we wait for the whole house to wake up.

Even if you’re not a big baker (I’m not), I still encourage you to put yourself in the kitchen and challenge yourself. If you’re spending Christmas alone at home, it’s a quick, slippery slope to the poor-me blues, but one of the best ways to keep your mood up is to stay active and busy.

Remember the Spending Christmas Alone Protocol: Get dressed. Put on some Christmas music. And get moving.

The perfect match for your Christmas cookies? Say it with me: Christmas tea.

In my book, every day is an occasion for a tea party, but I’m particularly fond of the Christmas brews: cloves, cinnamon, orange peel, and nutmeg.

If coffee is more your thing but you don’t want to give yourself the jitters all day long, check out my Guide to Finding the Best Tea for Non Tea Drinkers.

Before you start brewing, peruse this list of ethical tea companies to double-check the tea you buy doesn’t contribute to environmental desolation or capitalist exploitation.

7. Watch a Christmas movie (but don't spend the whole day in front of the screen)

I’m a sucker for a classic Christmas movie. Before streaming days, I used to make my own viewing schedule to make sure I caught all my favorites on cable before Christmas Day.

But like limiting your social media use, the key here is to not overdue it.

Instead of a full-on binge-fest in your pajamas, stick to one or two films max. (I’m partial to “It’s a Wonderful Life,” “Elf,” or any of the old-school claymation movies like “The Year Without a Santa Claus” or “Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town.”)

Is analog living more your vibe? Good on you.

If so, then this is the season to curl up with The Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens.

What if you just can’t get into the holiday spirit alone?

Don’t despair. Things will turn out alright in the end, even if it doesn’t feel that way today.

When I’m spiraling and the world seems big and scary, these books help calm my existential dread.

8. Volunteer your time

You’re not the only one spending holidays alone this year. Unfortunately, no matter the month or where we are in the world, there are always lonely people, sick people, hungry people.

So maybe this year, as you try to figure out how to celebrate holidays alone, you could dedicate a bit of your holiday time to those in need.

It’s not only an act of kindness for someone else; it’s an act of love for yourself, too. I find when I’m feeling lonely, depressed, or just down in the blues, doing something nice for someone else is the quickest way to turn my mood around.

HOW TO FIND OPPORTUNITIES TO VOLUNTEER ON CHRISTMAS:

Help out at your local foodbank. The USDA reported “47.4 million people lived in food insecure households in 2023” (though this longstanding annual food insecurity is now terminated).

Go to Feeding America to find a foodbank near you.

Visit a nursing home in your area. My mom worked in the Alzheimer’s unit at a nursing home when I was growing up, so I was a regular visitor to those residents who didn’t have nearby friends or family.

An hour playing cards, drinking tea together, or just chatting is a low lift for you but could be the highlight of someone else’s day.

Volunteer with Salvation Army. They always need help at shelters and food drives—or you can ring the bell to help raise donations.

Find a Salvation Army near you where you can donate some of your time.

9. Write Christmas or New Year’s letters to mail to loved ones

Another do-good-feel-good activity to help you figure out how to spend holidays alone at home.

Is there anything more delightful than receiving an unexpected letter in the mail? With just a few minutes of your time and less than a dollar, you can create that special moment for someone else.

Plus, if you’re unable to travel for the holidays and are missing your loved ones, letter-writing can be a very intimate, thoughtful way to stay connected despite the distance. So get creative:

Buy store-bought Christmas postcards in advance.
Get crafty and decorate your own Christmas cards.
Plain, unadorned paper works too. (It’s the message that counts most).

Writing letters sends love to someone else—but it can also be an act of self care.

Lately, I’ve been spending more time getting crafty at home, like making my own candles and bath salts. And it feels damn good.

If letter writing isn’t your thing, look to 13+ other creative self-care ideas to help you celebrate the holidays alone at home.

10. Attend a local holiday event

Concerts, movie theaters, restaurants, light displays—there are usually more places open on Christmas Day than you think.

If you’re solo this holiday season and looking for things to do on Christmas alone, it usually just takes a little research to find a holiday event near you:

Search on Facebook. Not the most glamorous option, but still one of the easiest ways to find events in your area.
Try looking on Meetup. This is really handy if you don’t have Facebook. I’ve even used this website while traveling to find events in new communities.
Browse attractions on Booking.com or Viator. Depending where you live, you might be able to find Christmas attractions here, too—like Ghosts of Christmas Charles Dickens Experience in Savannah or a Christmas lights walking tour in NYC.

11. Consider going to church

This isn’t everyone’s jam—it’s not even mine.

When I was growing up, my family went to church every Sunday; then just on holidays; now not at all.

Not everyone is religious. Some people are religious and don’t go to church. Some people aren’t religious but still go to church. In fact, one of the main reasons US adults go to church isn’t even to practice religion; it’s to find “comfort in times of trouble or sorrow,” per a survey by the Pew Research Center.

All options are fine.

But if you’re feeling lonely during the holidays, attending a Christmas mass could be an interesting option: There’s music; there’s community; there sure is that Christmas vibe.

(And remember: Simply attending an event, reading a book, or listening to something new doesn’t mean you endorse it or agree with it; you’re just exposing yourself to different ideas and seeing what’s out there. That’s healthy for the mind.)

How to spend the holidays alone (beyond just Christmas day)

Christmas may be one of the loudest and most celebrated holidays, but it’s not the only time people find themselves sitting alone while others celebrate.

Valentine’s Day is a particularly woeful occasion for those unattached. And New Year’s Eve brings a lot of pressure to kiss a certain someone at midnight.

Beyond the Christmas season, these strategies can help you learn how to enjoy holidays alone, all year round:

1. Start traditions for yourself

Shared traditions are beautiful—but secret, sacred traditions you honor just with yourself can carry special meaning, too. That might be:

Responding to the same journal prompt on the same day every year to see how you and your ideas grow.
Taking a picture of yourself in the same spot year after year to create a flipbook that captures your life.
Writing a letter to your future self and reading last year’s letter to think about where you’ve been and where you’re going.

2. Stay off social media

It’s always a good idea. Especially when we’re feeling lonely, left out, or otherwise a little vulnerable, flashing through other people’s highlight reels (which may or may not even be real) is almost guaranteed to make you feel worse.

Plus, why stare at other people’s lives when you can be living your own?

Whether you’re alone for Christmas, Valentine’s Day, or New Year’s Eve, keep your social media notifications on mute. Better yet, delete the apps altogether for a day of mental peace and quiet.

I know—quitting social media is really hard. But you don’t have to go cold turkey.

Check out my in-depth guide on how to limit your social media use (without deleting your accounts). You’ll learn:

3. Prepare things to do alone in advance

If you know a holiday is coming up and you’re going to be spending the day alone, don’t wallow. Plan for it like it’s an exciting vacation.

Do you want to travel? You don’t have to go far. Even just a solo day trip to a neighboring town gives you a change of scenery—and often, a mood shift.

If you’re not convinced about the benefits of solo travel, take inspiration from some of the greats. Read 21 quotes on traveling alone from writers, poets, teachers, and professional wanderers.

What about a cozy day of reading? Prepare your reading list now. If you want to feel accomplished, pick up one of these short books you can read in a day.

If spending holidays alone has you feeling now, may I direct you towards my favorite, soul-lifting books for existential dread?

Out of ideas? Roll the dice. Browse my mega list of 100+ self-care ideas for some stay-at-home indulgence.

4. Practice spending time alone beforehand

Eating at restaurants alone or traveling solo can feel really daunting at first.

Maybe you just moved to a new city or you’re living alone for the first time or you just ended a long relationship. After a major milestone, those first few steps on your own can feel like walking on shaky ground.

Practice helps you get stronger.

I created a 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to help you learn how to enjoy doing things alone—easy steps (and a nonjudgmental space) to help you build confidence, reduce social anxiety, and stop waiting on others to enjoy life.

How to get through the holidays alone if you're feeling lonely

Even the most independent, confident, and self-possessed of us probably don’t want to spend Christmas alone. I’m not advocating for a solitary holiday season—but sometimes, it happens and you need to make the most of it.

Use these six strategies to help make a lonely Christmas a little merrier:

1. Schedule at least one connection for yourself

Just because you’re alone for Christmas, it doesn’t mean you have to stay silent the whole day.

To avoid getting caught up in the lonely holiday blues, plan ahead to bake some social interaction into your day. That could be a:

Phone call with a friend: If you feel awkward about calling someone out of the blue and “interrupting” their Christmas, ask yourself—have you ever been annoyed that a friend wants to express their love and appreciation for you?

Of course not. Stop stressing, and spread the love.

Visit to a coffee shop: Maybe no one is free this year or different time zones aren’t syncing up. Friendly faces don’t have to be known faces.

A trip to a beloved or new coffee shop with a few kind smiles and holiday greetings exchanged with strangers can often remind us that the world can be a warm, friendly place—if we have the courage to go and face it.

Volunteering work: You’re not the only one spending Christmas alone. An estimated 16.3 million Americans (at least) are in the same boat—so why not congregate? Volunteering your time on Christmas gets you out into the world and rubbing shoulders with new faces.

2. Acknowledge your feelings—but don't let them take over

It’s okay to feel sad. It’s part of life, and there’s no point pretending everything is perfect every second of every day. So let it out—and then let it go.

Journaling, meditating, or just plain talking out loud to yourself can help you name the troubles within and keep them from swallowing you whole.

A conversation between the American Psychological Association and James Pennebaker, PhD, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, gets into the act of expressive writing and how it can help us tackle challenging periods in our life.

But don’t stay here too long; you don’t want your casual journaling session to turn into a daylong emotional spiral.

Try this: Acknowledge your feelings—and then recognize that the way you feel today isn’t the way you’ll feel forever.

If you think you’re starting to spiral, cut the rumination.

Turn on a Christmas movie. Go for a walk. Or find inspiration in someone else’s stories; these 6 books for existential dread can guide you.

3. Step into a crowd, even if you don't interact with anyone

Sometimes, just the physical presence of others makes us feel better—even if they’re strangers.

It reminds us that the world isn’t all about us; that other people are in similar or even worse situations; and that we do, in fact, have a lot to be thankful for, no matter how bleak the day seems.

To get out of your house (and your head) for a bit, try this:

Go for a walk downtown. Head for the most crowded place you can find.

Take yourself to a restaurant. Talk to the bartender. Smile at strangers. You’re not trying to make them your friends; you’re just engaging with the world and making it a warmer place.
See a movie. Even in a streaming world, movie theaters still see a lot of foot traffic on Christmas. You’re probably not going to talk to anyone, but you’ll be out in a crowd, rubbing shoulders with strangers, and maybe even laughing together at a few shared moments.

Does going to the movies alone (especially on Christmas) seem weird to you?

Let’s normalize not being scared of doing things alone.

A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge helps you own the power of being alone so you can build confidence, reduce social anxiety, and stop waiting on others to enjoy your life.

4. Do something with your hands

Staring at the screen gives us FOMO, pulls us into the comparison games, and generally makes us sad. I’m not the only one saying it—the US Department of Health and Human Services agrees.

If you’re trying to figure out how to handle the holidays alone, burning your eyes (and your soul) staring at romanticized versions of other people’s lives isn’t going to make you feel any better.

Stop that. Instead of numbingly consuming content, put down your phone and use your hands to create something. (I promise you’ll feel better.) You could:

Bake something
Play an instrument
Exercise
Play cards (Is it too on brand to say I actually love Solitaire?)
Make a collage
Knit
Paint (even if you’re bad at it)
Rearrange a shelf to make your space feel new

Feeling uninspired by these ideas? That’s no excuse to return to the phone.

Check out more ideas of what to do instead of social media.

5. Come up with a plan for next year

If you don’t want to spend Christmas alone next year, see what’s in your power to change.

I’m not talking about overhauling your entire life or setting stressful goals for yourself. But a few deliberate steps now can shape an entirely different world for future you.

Can you save a little each month to travel and visit a loved one next Christmas? Even setting aside a small chunk of every paycheck can create a sizeable nest egg for next year’s celebrations.

Can you swap days off at work or request holiday time earlier so you’re not stuck working on Christmas? Put a reminder in your calendar now to talk to your manager and/or co-workers next fall.

Can you sign up in advance for volunteering, a retreat, or another solo-friendly experience? This way, you’re not scrambling at the last minute to come up with ideas. Mark a date in your calendar now to start booking plans next September.

Making and tracking goals is one of the best habits you can pick up.

Without conscious goals and check-in points, it’s easy to let time slip away—and then one day you wake up, take stock of your life, and realize you didn’t choose any of it.

Goal-setting helps you steer your own ship.

Learn more life-changing habits to start now for long-term mental and physical well-being.

6. Change the way you talk to yourself

Words have meaning. That includes the words we use to talk to ourselves.

Our thoughts and inner dialogue create our mood, our perspective, and the way we interact with the day. So pay attention to what you say to yourself—and how.

Instead of thinking, “I’m alone on Christmas. How pathetic. This is how it’s probably going to be forever,” try being a little gentler on yourself:

“I’m spending the day catering to no one’s needs but my own.”
“I really needed this time to slow down and relax a little bit.”
“This is a great chance to watch a favorite movie and read that book I haven’t had time to finish.”
“I’m going to plan ahead so I don’t have to spend Christmas alone next year. But for now, I’m going to enjoy a quiet day all to myself.”

We grow up being told we’re super lame if we don’t have a partner or lots of friends constantly at our side—but there’s no shame in doing things alone.

Actually, learning to enjoy your own company helps us build the confidence and inner peace to be better partners and friends.

Remind yourself why it’s important to enjoy your own company.

Where to spend Xmas alone

You may be spending Christmas alone this year, but that doesn’t mean you need to coop up at home.

Especially if you’re feeling a bit down and are worried about how to get through holidays alone, a change of scenery can be a cure-all.

If you want to travel far...

Maybe you have the time and means to travel for Christmas. In that case, there’s no need to wait for an invitation to see the world.

So how about checking out those European Christmas markets you’ve heard so much about?

My personal favorites are in Paris and Wrocław, but there are dozens of options to choose from. The BBC has a new round-up on what they deem the best Christmas markets of 2025—or you can be a totally wild card and just pick one at random.

Psst! Not interested in Christmas markets, specifically? Paris is still always a good idea.

My 7-Day Solo Paris Itinerary is your cheatsheet on where to eat, walk, shop, and be in Paris, any time of the year.

If you want to stay close to home...

I think we as a society tend to forget that traveling doesn’t necessarily mean journeying to the other side of the world. There’s still plenty to explore close to home.

If you’re spending this Christmas alone and you want to make it memorable (in a fun way), why not plan yourself a little Christmas staycation?

Go to the spa. When in doubt, self-care your worries away.

Retreat to a cozy cabin. For quiet, un-bustling mornings, lots of hot chocolate, and nature to soothe the soul.

Spend the night in a fancy hotel. A giant bubble bath, room service, and a bed you don’t have to make. It’s not Christmas-y, but it is luxurious. (And that might be just what the doctor ordered.)

If you want to travel alone but not feel alone...

Traveling alone can cause anxiety, but you can break out of that mindset.

If you want to get out of town for Christmas but feel uneasy doing it alone, you’re not out of options. There are actually a lot of ways to solo travel without being alone.

Eatwith connects you with locals for hosted meals, supper clubs, or cooking classes—like tasting wine and cheese with a Parisian or learning how to make pierogi from Poles. It’s an easy way to share a table and meet new people without putting the pressure on you to make plans.

GetYourGuide helps you find guided tours, day trips, classes, and other activities—pretty much anywhere in the world. You may sign up alone, but you’ll spend the experience in a group setting so you can travel alone without feeling lonely.

Hostelworld makes it easy to find hostels that give loners the best of both worlds: private rooms AND common spaces and group activities. It’s a great option if you need your own space but still want help meeting new people.

Think traveling alone for Christmas seems… Sad? Lonely? A little depressing?

It can be if you’re not used to solo travel. But think about it—should you feel sad just being with yourself? Or is that a sign you need to learn how to enjoy your own company?

Read guest writer Alyssa Wiens’ piece on why she doesn’t like traveling alone—and why she keeps doing it anyway.

Conclusion: Spending the holidays alone doesn't have to feel lonely

Spending Christmas alone can feel disappointing or just strange. Almost all the carols sing to us about joining with loved ones, celebrating family time, or meeting a certain someone under the mistletoe.

Some years, that’s just not the reality. It’s okay. Being alone for Christmas this year has no bearing on the next year, the next holiday, or the rest of your life.

You will be among friends and family again—and no, despite what the little voice sometimes whispers in the back of your head, you won’t be alone forever.

In the meantime, take advantage of this Merry Loner Christmas to look after yourself—because self compassion is the best gift you can give yourself, any time of year.

Next Steps:

Practice doing things alone before the next holiday rolls around. This way, you’ll be ready to go out and face the day alone, come New Year’s Eve or Valentine’s Day. Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to learn how to own the power of being alone.

Understand what makes you nervous about doing things alone in public. (It’s a totally normal feeling.) Learn 5 simple ways to get better at doing things alone.

Arm yourself to stay away from social media. I know the scroll is tempting, especially when we’re alone. But ask yourself: Does scrolling ever really make you feel better? Instead, try one of these 30+ ideas of what to do instead of social media.

Use the image below to save this post to Pinterest so this list is there when you need it.

How to Spend Xmas Alone: FAQs

Is it OK to spend Xmas alone?

Of course. Spending Christmas alone doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.

Sometimes, meeting with family and friends just isn’t logistically possible. Other times, we may be going through a season in life where our friendship circle is feeling a little thin, like if you just moved somewhere alone or ended a relationship. That’s okay.

One Christmas alone doesn’t mean all Christmases will be alone. So this year, instead of lamenting how to get through the holidays alone, just take the time to focus on yourself and learn how to enjoy your own company.

What to do if you’re spending Christmas alone?

Don’t treat it like a regular day—because it isn’t! Get dressed (up); leave the house at least once; treat yourself to a special meal; and plan at least one festive activity to celebrate the day, like going for a walk to see the Christmas lights, attending a local event, or volunteering.

If venturing out alone on Christmas makes you feel a little depressed or awkward, don’t let yourself stay in that energy. Start A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge now to help you build confidence doing things alone.

Where to spend Christmas alone?

Anywhere, really. If you want to cozy up at home, how about a change of scenery? Book a day at a nearby spa, cabin retreat, or hotel to enjoy some pampering and a little escape.

But nobody says you have to spend Christmas alone at home. You could travel across the world for your dream vacation (a Paris solo trip, perhaps?). If you have solo travel anxiety, know you’ve got options, like hostels or guided trips, that help you travel alone without feeling alone.

What to do for someone spending Christmas alone?

By all means, invite them over! If that’s not logistically possible, you can still lend a little bit of emotional support to help them get through the holidays alone.

Call them—not just for a quick, two-minute hello, but for an actual conversation. Just 20 minutes could turn their whole day around.

If you know in advance that someone is spending the holidays alone, consider sending them a gift they can open on Christmas Day. Something small is still something significant, like a box of cookies or a handwritten card.

Is it wrong to want to spend Christmas alone?

If spending Christmas alone is the peace and quiet you need this year, don’t let anyone else judge you—it’s actually more common than you think. According to a December 2025 survey by A Mission for Michael, 16% of respondents say they prefer to spend Christmas alone.

And when you’re alone on Christmas, why not make it a full-on self-care day? Check out my Ultimate Guide to Self-Care for ideas to make a day home alone whimsical and relaxing.

How many people spend Xmas alone?

A lot more people than you think. This year, an estimated 16.3 million Americans will spend Christmas alone, per survey from A Mission for Michael. In the UK, a study by the Policy Institute at King’s College London says one in nine people will be alone for Christmas—a figure that’s doubled since 1969.

If you’re going to be on your own for Christmas this year, I know it’s not always ideal, but try to see this as an opportunity to rest and relax. If you want a hot (hot!) take on learning to enjoy life, read my motto.

Merry

Discover how the merry loner lifestyle makes life more enjoyable:

LONER MINDSET: fresh perspectives on learning to genuinely enjoy your own company

BOOKS: reading lists for people who love being alone with a good story

ANALOG LIVING: inspiration to step back from the screen and live a life offline

SOLO TRAVEL: guides on where to go and how to enjoy it alone

MINDFUL CONSUMPTION: vetted recommendations for a simpler, less wasteful life

LONER Q&As: interviews from global voices on how to live a meaningful, enjoyable life

The post How to Spend Xmas Alone Without Feeling Lonely or Left Out appeared first on A Merry Loner.

How to Enjoy Your Own Company

Merry — Tue, 14 Oct 2025 17:25:56 +0000

Do you like being with yourself?

Spending time alone doesn’t usually sound idyllic. Single women are often cast as unfortunate spinsters. Reserving a table for one is a famously embarrassing cliché. From single prom nights to flying solo at weddings to loner Valentine’s Day celebrations, having the guts to go it alone instead of relying on the comfortable, however mediocre, presence of a date is often frowned upon (or at least considered lame).

What gives? Why is doing things alone so widely considered scary, nerve-wracking, and judgment-inducing?

Societal expectations are a big factor. Young people without a lot of friends are “weird,” and as one approaches the big 30, the pressure is on to find your soulmate. Biology is another factor. Humans are social creatures, and no matter how independent one is, it’s perfectly natural and normal to want to be included, invited, and liked.

But I contend that a big part of the fear, anxiety, and judgment that come with being alone stem from the fact that too many of us don’t really know ourselves all that well.

We might know what kind of friend we are (or want to be). The funny one. The bold one. The empathetic one. What kind of co-worker we are. The creative one. The one who gives kick-ass presentations. The lord or lady of spreadsheets. And though it’s often an internal battle, we have ideas (usually, too many) about who we are (and are trying to be) as lovers, partners, daughters, brothers, fathers, aunts.

But who are you when you aren’t any of these things? Who are you when you are just you, alone with yourself, separate from any titles, tasks, or relationships?

Do you like being with yourself?

Sometimes, that answer is an easy yes. “Yes, I’m funny, smart, and I know I’m pretty cute.” But depending on what the mirror, the meanies, and our internal haters have reported that day, coming up with a comfortable, sunny answer to that question isn’t always a given—especially for the young’uns.

Per a 2021 report from YouGov on how Americans perceive themselves, almost one-quarter (24%) of Americans under 35 “say they don’t like themselves most or all of the time.” (On average, 14% of US adults (aged 18+) had the same sentiment.)

As sad as that statistic is, I don’t believe it’s static. Like that weird friend you didn’t click with at first but now love, sometimes it takes time to love yourself. Learning to enjoy your own company can help you get there.

The shortlist: Enjoy my own company? The why & how

5 reasons why it’s important to learn to enjoy your own company

4 tips on how to enjoy your own company

5 “enjoy your own company” quotes to remind you why it’s worth it

More articles on the loner mindset:

How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone

Living Alone as a Woman: Why Every Woman Should Live Alone at Least Once

7 Books on Self-Awareness to Become a Better Person

Why is learning to enjoy your own company important?

There’s not a lot of time or care dedicated to learning how to spend time with yourself in a healthy way. In fact, when we talk about me time, these days, it usually coincides with the term “bed rotting,” which I think we can all agree doesn’t sound great for the brain or the body.

But alone time can be so much more than lazy hours spent doom-scrolling or binge-watching. When we take just the tiniest bit of effort to explore healthier, more positive ways to spend time with ourselves, we can become happier, more confident, and more creative.

These are five ways learning how to enjoy your own company can change your life for the better:

1. Create a foundation for happiness (no matter where you are or who you’re with)

I’ve said it many times before, and I’ll say it again: Once you can be happy by yourself, you can do anything.

Apparently, my homespun wisdom has good company. As former law professor and ethics lecturer Michael Josephson echoes: “If you want to be happy, learn to be alone without being lonely. Learn that being alone does not mean being unhappy.”

Friends and family are great (even friendly strangers), but when we lean on the presence of others to feel at ease, we’re building our mental health on some pretty shaky ground.

Of course, happiness can come from love, friendship, and camaraderie, but I believe the best relationships are built on a foundation of self-respect and internal peace. When you can comfortably enjoy your own company, the relationships you seek out will be those that uplift and nourish you—not unworthy (or potentially damaging) placeholders you rush to just to avoid being alone with yourself.

2. Give your mental health a boost

Remember that YouGov says 14% of US adults “don’t like themselves most or all of the time”? Learning how to enjoy your own company may be a shortcut (or at least one path) to building self-esteem, confidence, and self-respect.

Consider this academic review from Family Perspectives on the impact of spending time alone on young adults’ mental health, where a Brigham Young University Scholar concludes that “purposefully spending time alone with the intention of self-care can lead to mental health benefits for emerging adults.”

What’s important to note is that you can’t get those purported mental health benefits if you spend time alone with the intention of avoiding others—actually, that usually backfires and ends up leading to increased anxiety and/or depression.

Instead, the idea is to “purposefully spend time alone” with a focus on self-care and self-reflection. And spoiler: “purposefully” spending time alone means no social media.

At a loss for what to do instead of social media?

Whether you want to replace scrolling during your commute, before bed, or anywhere else it’s sucking the life out of your day, I’ve got 34 easy ideas for replacements for you here: What To Do Instead of Social Media.

3. Build self-confidence and independence

Think about some of the scarier or more challenging things you’ve done in your life. Maybe it was starting over and moving to a new city or traveling alone for the first time.

At first, taking on these feats by yourself is daunting. You’d most certainly rather have a friend by your side. But once you get over your initial apprehensions and just start doing the damn thing, you realize it wasn’t so scary after all—and you’re capable of a lot more than you’d realized.

That is the power you can find in your own company.

As Paul Newman, American actor, philanthropist, and, among many other things, the guy likely on your salad dressing bottle, has said: “You only grow when you are alone.”

The more comfortable you get in your own company, the more comfortable and confident you’ll feel trying new things—no social security blanket needed.

4. Learn who are you (without anybody else's influence getting in the way)

Every day, every hour, it feels like we are fighting a battle to guard our attention. And often, we are losing.

Ads. Notifications. Blaring background music. Small talk. These are all distractions that not only disrupt our natural thinking and reflections but influence it—and other people are no exception.

Yes, of course, conversing with others (especially those from whom we differ) is important to expand our horizons, appreciate new perspectives, and generally discover what is, for us, the unknown. But for a more critical reflection on novel ideas, it helps to first have a firm grasp on the known, i.e., to understand who you are and what you think without anyone else’s opinion influencing you.

For example, that new song making the rounds on Spotify? Do you really find it annoying? Or did a friend say that and now you can’t stop yourself from thoughtlessly agreeing?

As Paulo Coelho, Brazilian novelist and lyricist said, “If you are never alone, you cannot know yourself.”

In this way, learning how to enjoy your own company is also a daring act in learning to think for yourself.

5. Give yourself space to think deeply and create

For me, this is the most important reason to learn to enjoy your own company: creativity. Because if you’re constantly talking to someone else, where is the room to think and create?

Again, I’ll acknowledge: It’s abundantly clear that collaboration plays an important role in creativity, creating opportunities for revelations and inspiration to emerge. But to think, to muse, to write, to read, to paint—to draw from our inner world and create something heretofore unseen, that requires a bit of silence, a bit of space, and a bit of solitude.

None other than Pablo Picasso, the Spanish painter who needs no introduction, supported this point: “Without great solitude, no serious work is possible.”

Learn how to do things alone—without feeling lonely

a comfortable, nonjudgmental email challenge that helps you own the power of being alone

(See what’s inside.)

4 ways to learn how to enjoy your own company

Sometimes, alone time comes naturally. Like children, we need nothing but our imaginations to entertain ourselves and we haven’t yet learned to feel embarrassed for being who we are.

Other times, spending time alone feels more like a punishment than a delicious reprieve. It’s an unsought time-out, where, deprived of our toys, we are at a loss for how to feel at ease.

But with practice, your own company can be a comfort—never a punishment or a second choice. For help rediscovering the joy of your own company, try these five ways to enjoy your own company:

1. Practice spending time with yourself

Practice makes perfect—and that goes for “me time,” too.

If spending the afternoon alone feels like a punishment, a bore, or an insurmountable challenge, then you just need to work on it, one step at a time.

I’ve designed a free 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge that helps you learn how to do things alone—and actually enjoy it. It’s kind of like a weekly, get-to-know-yourself course.

Every day for seven days, I’ll email you a bite-sized challenge to try doing something new by yourself. Each activity was carefully chosen because it’s free or low budget and accessible no matter where you live. You’ll also get a daily (optional) journal prompt to help you reflect on your alone time and what you learned.

It’s a comfortable, nonjudgmental kick in the butt to get out there and get to know yourself.

2. Spend time alone without distractions

I hate to break it to you, but sitting alone and doomscrolling and/or zoning out in front of the TV is not “enjoying your own company.”

Remember what the academic review from Family Perspectives said? “Effective solitude excludes any other individuals and the use of social media.”

The screen (even worse, the screen projecting romanticized versions of strangers’ lives) is a crutch for boredom that just takes your attention away from your own thoughts and imagination.

So put it away. Instead, challenge yourself to find ways to actively spend time with yourself, no distractions allowed. For example, you can:

Go to a museum. (When’s the last time you went to a museum, not on vacation?)
Take a walk and just think. No music, no podcasts, no phone calls.
Sit in the park, a coffee shop, or any random spot that pleases you. Bring a journal and challenge yourself to write or sketch whatever comes to mind.

3. Push yourself to try something new alone

Without the security blanket of a friend at your side, you can get a new appreciation for what you’re capable of and what makes you tick. You’ll also realize you can have a fun, action-packed weekend, even if none of your friends are free.

There are literally limitless new things to see, try, and experience. When I’m stuck on what to do, I use the corny (but useful) advice: be a tourist in your own city.

Some of my mainstays that don’t cost a thing are:

Doing a little bookshop-hopping (and adding to my ever-growing reading list)
Visiting flea markets to hunt for goodies like candlesticks and teacups
Going for a walk and intentionally getting lost (a pretty natural occurrence for me)

But if you’ve got a little extra cash to spend and want to treat yourself, you could:

Sign up for a class in art, cooking, music—whatever interests you
Go on a tour in your city: walking, food, wine, history, etc.
Book a solo ticket for a show: a concert, a play, comedic show, etc.

4. Book a weekly date with yourself

We all naturally grow over time, so it makes sense that your relationship with yourself should evolve, too.

Signing up for special activities on the weekend or doing a crash course in spending time with yourself via the 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge are both great ways to challenge and learn more about yourself. But to really get comfortable in your own company, you need to keep exercising that muscle over time.

One easy way to make “me time” a regular habit is scheduling a weekly date with yourself.

It doesn’t have to be a big deal. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. It could be as simple as giving yourself one hour before work one day per week to enjoy coffee and a book in a cutesy cafe.

And it doesn’t have to be expensive. If treating yourself to a solo dinner date once a week is too much, just make it one glass of wine at a new bar. Or put a leisurely stroll in the park in your weekly calendar. No headphones. No phone calls. Just you, the greenery, and whatever weather blows your way.

Need more ideas on how to go on a date with yourself?

You got it. Read A Guide to Dating Yourself in 2025.

“Enjoy your own company” quotes

Feeling lonely? Turn to these quotes for a reminder that there is no safer, comfier, or more serene place than your own company.

“In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion.”

Speaker: Albert Camus, French philosopher and writer (1913–1960)

“What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.”

Speaker: Ellen Burstyn, American actress (1932–)

“You are who you are when nobody’s watching.”

Speaker: Stephen Fry, English actor, comedian, and broadcaster (1957–)

“Associate yourself with people of good quality, for it is better to be alone than in bad company.”

Speaker: Booker T. Washington, American educator and author (1890–1915)

“Learn to enjoy your own company. You are the one person you can count on living with for the rest of your life.”

Speaker: Ann Richards, American politician (1933–2006)

Conclusion: The power of learning to enjoy your own company

Despite what stereotypes may have led us to believe, spending time alone isn’t lame, awkward, or embarrassing. Actually, once you feel comfortable in your own company, it’s really a happy place where you’re free to explore, create, and adventure—untethered from other people’s judgment, influence, or opinions.

If you’re not there yet, that’s okay. You can take it slow. Try just one solo activity first, and pay attention to how it feels to fully focus on yourself, with no distractions.

The best part about learning to enjoy your own company? Surgeon and author Maxwell Maltz may have said it best: “If you make friends with yourself, you’ll never be alone.”

Next steps:

Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge. You’ll get a comfortable, week-long email series with daily, bite-sized challenges and journal prompts to help you learn how to do things alone—and actually enjoy it.

Pick one activity from this blog post and put it in your calendar now. Maybe that means making a reservation for a solo dinner date tomorrow night or signing up for a cooking class this weekend. Don’t procrastinate! Start taking steps to prioritize (and enjoy) your own company now. Need more ideas? Check out A Guide to Dating Yourself in 2025 for more solo date ideas.

Give yourself a boost of courage. If spending time alone in your own company still seems weird to you, read How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone.

Use the image below to save this post to Pinterest so these tips and quotes are there when you need them.

How to Enjoy Your Own Company: Common FAQs

What does “enjoy your own company” mean?

Enjoying your own company means feeling at ease when you’re by yourself—without needing a distraction, whether that’s other people or your phone. More than that, you can not only tolerate being alone; you actively enjoy it and don’t feel awkward or uncomfortable doing things by yourself.

Should you enjoy your own company?

I won’t tell you what you “should” do, but yes—it’s generally advisable to be able to enjoy your own company. Doing so means you’re not dependent on others’ invitation, recognition, or approval to feel good, nor do you need external stimulation to occupy your mind.

Plus, learning how to enjoy your own company is helpful in building self-awareness, independence, and self-confidence, all qualities that ultimately benefit both you and your relationships.

How to enjoy your own company at home?

It helps to make your home a place you want to be. And that doesn’t have to be expensive. Buy cheap-o fresh flowers from the sales rack. Ditch the wilted ones, and you’ve got a little ray of sunshine in your apartment. Light a candle. Google a new recipe and make pasta sauce from scratch.

I share literally 100 self-care ideas to make your home more beautiful in my Ultimate Guide to Self-Care.

How to enjoy your own company more?

Start small. Maybe today you enjoy a coffee in a new café—and drink it without scrolling on your phone for a distraction. You can also sign up for my FREE 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge for a week of daily, bite-sized challenges that teach you how to do things alone and actually enjoy it.

How to enjoy your own company without friends?

It’s okay to go through quiet phases in your life. Nothing lasts forever, and the future always holds brighter days ahead. But if you’re feeling lonely now, you’re in the right place. A Merry Loner is dedicated to helping you learn to enjoy your own company, even when it’s hard. If you’re new, start here: How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone.

Discover how the merry loner lifestyle makes life more enjoyable:

LONER MINDSET: fresh perspectives on learning to genuinely enjoy your own company

BOOKS: reading lists for people who love being alone with a good story

ANALOG LIVING: inspiration to step back from the screen and live a life offline

SOLO TRAVEL: guides on where to go and how to enjoy it alone

MINDFUL CONSUMPTION: vetted recommendations for a simpler, less wasteful life

LONER Q&As: interviews from global voices on how to live a meaningful, enjoyable life

Merry

The post How to Enjoy Your Own Company appeared first on A Merry Loner.

Things To Do Alone in the Summer

Maja Krasnicka — Mon, 25 Aug 2025 15:40:00 +0000

Solo summer activities you’ll love—no matter your relationship status.

I usually spend winters hibernating. Living in the UK, where you essentially experience six to eight months of gloom every year, I find my life energy reawakens with the return of spring and summer.

But this summer hits differently. It’s my first-ever summer living alone.

Since I’m in my early thirties, many of my friends are busy with their kids and/or are away on holidays with their partners, so I’ve found myself spending a lot of time alone—but I didn’t want that to stop me from making the most of these scarce, sunny months.

So I created a bucket list of solo summer activities. Turns out, there are plenty of things to do alone in the summer that are just as—if not more—fun to do without a partner or screaming babies in tow.

Are you on your own this summer? Soak up the sunny days with this guide of what to do alone in summer:

The shortlist: 8 things to do alone in the summer

More articles on the Loner Mindset:

How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone

Living Alone as a Woman: Why Every Woman Should Live Alone at Least Once

No Date? No Problem—A Guide to Dating Yourself

1. Spend time in parks

Making use of local parks or other green spaces is such a great way to enjoy the summer weather while doing other activities.

Whether it’s reading, listening to a podcast, journaling, or just simply relaxing, all of these activities can be made even more enjoyable with some sunshine, ice cream, or an iced beverage.

Merry’s tip: What to bring to take a day in the park to the next level?

A book. Duh. Go paper instead of digital to give your eyes a rest (and read more easily in the sun). Since we’re about halfway through the year, I like to take this time to dust off my new year’s resolution list and do a little soul-searching. That’s when I turn to this list: 7 Books on Self-Awareness to Become a Better Person.

A cool drink. I’m frugal and particular, so that means I like to make my own drink before heading out. I’m crazy about sparkling water with fresh lemon (it’s the little things). But if I have a bit of extra time, I love to brew up some homemade iced tea. Not sure which tea makes the best iced tea for you? Check out my guide on the Best Tea for Non Tea Drinkers.

A journal. For doodling. For daydreaming. For writing. All of these options are better than doomscrolling—and better yet, they’re free! If political angst, family troubles, or work stress is getting you down, let it all out at the park with these 20 Journal Prompts for Anger.

2. Attend events solo (even if it feels scary)

Many Londoners will tell you that the capital is a bit of a transient city, where a lot of people come and go— even more so since the pandemic. With the rising cost of living and the growing popularity of working from home, I’ve found my friendship circle shrinking year after year.

So this summer, I’ve been making a conscious effort to push myself beyond my normal circle of friends and find opportunities to get out and meet new people on my own.

To my surprise, I discovered a whole host of events (even free ones) available locally. I’ve found free yoga classes, run clubs, book clubs, clothes up-cycling workshops, and more.

Signing up for these solo events is a great way to meet people who have similar interests—but even if you don’t make friends, you still get to spend a couple of hours doing something you enjoy. And isn’t that the point?

Not at ease doing things alone?

I recently signed up for a book club. Earlier this month, I attended a crafts event. And I’m already scheduled to attend an after-work drinks meet-up and a free university lecture next month.

While it’s still early days and I haven’t made meaningful friendships through these events (yet), it’s been a great way to meet new people and hear different perspectives. Plus, chatting books and doing crafts is a really fun way to spend my afternoons.

If crafts or after-work drinks don’t sound like something you’d enjoy, there are lots of other events you can attend. For example, in my city, I’ve seen events like:

Volunteering
Baking classes
Flower-arranging classes
Art workshops
Psychology or history talks

You can find events like these through local universities, libraries, museums, and small businesses, as well as Facebook groups and apps like CLIQ or Meetup.

And if you can’t find any events near you that you’d like to attend, why not organize one yourself?

3. Learn a new skill

Summer often brings a slower pace at work, making it the perfect time to learn something new. Plus, picking up a new skill isn’t just a great way to fill time when you don’t know what to do alone in the summer—it can also be really rewarding! You never know, you may discover a new favorite hobby in the process.

This year, I focused on learning skills that were a little less business and a bit more fun.

I’ve been learning (or, should I say, clumsily attempting to learn) how to knit. I’ve also been brushing up on my German. And a couple of summers ago, I took a photography course—and actually learned how to use my DSLR camera that had been gathering dust in my desk drawer for years.

With so many resources (including free ones) available to learn new skills, it’s never been easier to start learning something new—and summer is the perfect time to do it.

4. Go to galleries, museums, and exhibitions

Museum-hopping usually gets the most attention in the darker winter months, but I think it’s actually one of the best things to do in the summer by yourself.

For one, galleries and museums rotate their exhibitions all year round, so if you only visit them in the winter, you’ll miss out on many temporary exhibits you might also enjoy.

I also like heading to museums and art galleries as a bit of a quiet escape from our loud, hectic world. Especially in the summer months when the city is extra lively (and crowded), ducking into a museum for a few hours of solo time is a nice way to chill out and recharge.

And honestly? When there’s a heatwave and crowds feel stifling, a calm, air-conditioned museum filled with art and sculptures is the best place to be.

5. Take yourself on a solo movie or theater date

I’m not going to lie, it took me forever to muster up the courage to go to the movies alone.

Even though it was something I’d been wanting to do for a while, I felt really embarrassed to approach the counter and buy a ticket for one. I was convinced that everyone would notice and judge me for being there alone. In reality though, I realized that nobody cares.

Now, going to the movies alone is actually one of my favorite ways to spend time by myself—and it makes sense if you think about it.

Both the movies and the theater require you to sit quietly in the dark, and (ideally) there’s no talking allowed. It’s the perfect thing to do alone—especially in the sweltering months when you’re looking for things to do in the summer by yourself where you can escape the heat.

Merry’s tip: Still feeling a little awkward going to the movies or theater by yourself?

It’s normal. Those are typically billed as very “date-y” activities, which can make it feel super lame at first when you approach the counter to buy a ticket for one.

But there’s nothing lame, embarrassing, or cringey about it.

For a little dose of courage before taking yourself on your own movie date, read How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone.

6. Do something you've been putting off for a while

I know this doesn’t sound too glamorous, but if you find yourself with a lot of time on your hands and you’re truly at a loss for things to do alone in summer, then this is a good way to use that extra time productively.

Yes, I know “summer” and “productive” don’t necessarily go hand in hand. But do you know that feeling when you cross something off your to-do list? The little dopamine rush? That’s what we’re going for here.

Case in point: Last month, I spent one whole weekend doing a big bedroom declutter.

I listened to a great audiobook, ordered take-out, made myself lots of iced tea, even treated myself to a glass of wine at the end. As much as I had dreaded doing this task, it ended up being almost fun—and I’m definitely glad to have finally gotten rid of some very unnecessary clutter.

Merry’s tip: Can’t bring yourself to do that chore you’ve been putting off for ages?

You’re not the only one. But keep this in mind: Little by little, healthy habits have a way of snowballing into an overall healthier (and happier) life.

If your home is already clutter-free and you’re not sure where to start, check out this list of 13 Habits to Start Now in Your 20s (or Whenever) for Long-Term Physical & Mental Wellbeing.

7. Be a tourist in your own city

Or if you’re feeling brave enough, go travel by yourself.

While I’ve moved abroad by myself twice, I’ve never traveled alone. For a reason unknown even to me, I find the idea of solo travel a lot scarier than moving countries. But since I’m focused on saving money this summer, I decided against traveling this year—instead, I’ve been rediscovering the city I live in: London.

But even if you don’t live in a big city, there are usually plenty of places to see and new things to do alone in the summer.

For example, you could:

Visit a garden, park, or local nature reserve
Tour a local historical landmark
Enjoy a solo picnic
Explore new coffee shops
Take a bike ride around town

Or if you’re feeling fancy, you could even treat yourself to an overnight hotel stay in your hometown—ideally, one with good room service and an outdoor swimming pool.

Taking a good, old staycation is a great way to try new local summer activities and get to know yourself a little better in the process.

Merry’s tip: Feeling nervous about solo travel?

You’re not the only one. For a little inspiration on pushing yourself outside your comfort zone and finally taking the big trip, read:

Scared of Traveling Alone: How to Deal with Solo Travel Anxiety

What I Learned Traveling the World Alone Without My Partner

I Don’t Like Traveling Alone—But I Keep Doing It Anyway

8. Eat out alone

Since warm, sunny weather doesn’t last forever, make sure you take advantage of the summer by treating yourself to an outdoor dinner for one.

Eating out alone is another one of those solo activities that initially seemed too intimidating to me—until one day I didn’t have a choice.

I was waiting for a dentist appointment after work and I was starving, so I decided to go out to dinner alone. After settling in and enjoying a tasty meal for one, I realized that it wasn’t as scary as I had built it up in my head.

Funnily enough, the restaurant I went to must not get many solo diners, because they assumed I wanted to get my food as takeaway—they even packed it up at first before serving it to me on a plate. But I didn’t let this discourage me. I enjoyed my first solo dinner with a book and even treated myself to a dessert after.

Tips for eating out alone for the first time:

Avoid the crowds; If you find the idea of eating out alone uncomfortable, try going outside of peak times.

Sit at the bar. It can also be helpful to pick a restaurant with bar seating. You’ll often find other solo diners seated at the bar, which can make your first time eating out alone feel less awkward.

Bring a distraction. And if you’re worried about spending the whole time doomscrolling or not knowing what to do with your hands, bring along a book.

For reading list inspiration, check out Easiest Classic Novels to Read | 18 Easy-to-Read Classics for Beginners.

Conclusion: How to Enjoy Summer Alone

Doing things alone can be scary, even in the best of times. And in a way, summertime can make it even more intimidating to do things alone since so many people’s social calendars are seemingly packed to the brim.

But you know those moments when you feel scared to do something new? And then when you finally push yourself to do it, you’re left wondering, “What was I so scared about?”

The truth is, most things aren’t quite as bad as we build them up to be in our heads—and that’s definitely true when it comes to doing things alone in the summer.

Over time, I’ve realized that enjoying doing things alone is like a muscle: The more solo summer activities you try, the easier it becomes.

So put your sunglasses on, pack your favorite book, treat yourself to an iced coffee, and do whatever makes you happy—all on your own.

I can guarantee you’ll be glad you did.

Maja Krasnicka

Maja Krasnicka is a project manager and freelance writer based in London. Her recent articles were published in Betches and Business Insider. In her free time, Maja likes to learn new skills, read, and obsess over interior design.

Next Steps:

Pick one solo summer activity from this list and schedule it. If it’s eating out alone, make the reservation. If it’s a meet-up group, commit to the event. Then, put it your calendar—making a countdown is (fun) but optional.

Find a book for your solo reading in the park. Borrow it from your local library or order it now from one of these Amazon Alternatives for Books.

Plan your summer solo travel trip. Even if it’s just a weekend away or a small day trip. Get wanderlust inspiration with these 21 Quotes for Traveling Alone.

Use the image below to save this post to Pinterest so these ideas are there when you need them.

Things To Do Alone in Summer: Common FAQs

What can you do alone in the summer for fun?

There are plenty of things to do alone in the summer, no matter your budget.

If you’re looking for free things to do alone in the summer, why not spend the day luxuriating in a local park with a good book and a homemade iced tea? Dreamy sunset strolls and cloud-gazing are also free and accessible to all.

If you’re spending the summer alone and you want to treat yourself, how about leveling-up your staycation by booking a hotel in your hometown for the weekend? Think room service and chilling poolside—without the hassel of going to the airport.

How do I spend my summer when I have no friends?

If you find yourself spending the summer alone and aren’t sure how to fill the time, first of all—don’t despair! Alone time is a great opportunity to get to know yourself better and to make progress towards your personal and/or professional goals.

Start by getting in the right mindset. Find inspiration from these 7 Books on Self-Awareness. Then, follow these tips to learn How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone.

What to do on a summer day at home?

Whether it’s scorching hot outside or unseasonably cloudy, sometimes you have to get a little creative with solo summer activities inside.

That’s when I turn to my Ultimate Guide to Self-Care with 100 Self-Care Ideas, like working on DIY projects, doing a little yoga or meditation, or going analog with a puzzle or paperback book.

What are some things you can do at home instead of going on holiday when you're alone and have nothing to do during your summer vacation?

There are plenty of things to do in the summer by yourself when you need to stay at home. The classic advice is to learn to be a tourist in your own city. For example, you can take yourself to the movies; try a new restaurant; explore a local musuem; stroll in a park or nearby nature reserve.

If you’re at home alone during the summer, check out 100 Self-Care Ideas to turn your boring summer into some serious pampering time.

Discover how the merry loner lifestyle makes life more enjoyable:

LONER MINDSET: fresh perspectives on learning to genuinely enjoy your own company

BOOKS: reading lists for people who love being alone with a good story

ANALOG LIVING: inspiration to step back from the screen and live a life offline

SOLO TRAVEL: guides on where to go and how to enjoy it alone

MINDFUL CONSUMPTION: vetted recommendations for a simpler, less wasteful life

LONER Q&As: interviews from global voices on how to live a meaningful, enjoyable life

The post Things To Do Alone in the Summer appeared first on A Merry Loner.

How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone

Merry — Wed, 23 Jul 2025 07:24:26 +0000

When the presence (or absence) of others becomes the deciding factor for how you live your life, your life isn’t your own anymore.

I have always valued my independence. Being an unabashed loner means I can do what I want, when I want, without waiting for other people to approve, text me back to make plans, or otherwise give me the green light.

But not everyone has a natural inclination to do things alone, and that’s normal. I’ve had friends flat-out tell me they would never even think of going out to dinner by themselves. Others have called me up to join them at the grocery store because they didn’t want to run errands alone. There’s nothing wrong with enjoy the company of others’; spending time with friends is fun, healthy, and a key part of what makes us human. It becomes problematic, however, when you feel you can’t do something by yourself; when you’re dependent on the presence or approval of others to do the things you want and you’re afraid to act without them. For example, what if there’s a new restaurant you want to try, a film you want to see, or a weekend trip you want to take? But no one’s free, so the plan gets put on hold indefinitely as it’s simply inconceivable to think you’d do it alone.

If that’s the case, then it might be time to work on your loner mindset.

The loner mindset isn’t about shunning others or being anti-social. It’s not even about being an introvert. It’s about self-confidence, self-esteem, and feeling happy, calm, and at ease on your own. Learning to achieve this is really the best gift you can give yourself. Because if you can be happy on your own, then you can do anything.

In this post, I share five simple ways to get better at doing things alone so you can do things on your own without feeling self-conscious, lonely, or like everyone is staring at you.

The shortlist: 5 simple ways to get better at doing things alone

Understand what’s really making you nervous
Start small with low-stress activities
Imagine the worst-case scenario (so you can prepare for it)
Remind yourself: no one is actually looking at you
Try again—even if you didn’t like it the first time

1. Understand what’s really making you nervous

Being a human is a complicated mess, and a large part of that mess comes from social interactions. Even the most extroverted social butterflies can still get nervous in a room full of strangers. In fact, research from PLoS ONE posits that social anxiety disorder (which is “one of the most common psychiatric disorders characterized by a persistent and over-whelming fear of being negatively evaluated in one or more social or interactional situations”) can happen to lots of different people.

To get better at doing things alone, the trick isn’t to totally eradicate feelings of nerves or anxiety. (They’re kind of part of the package deal of being a human creature.) But you can learn to deal with the feelings, and that’s easier to do when you know exactly what’s making you nervous. Though nerves and anxiety can often feel like one big, foreboding cloud, there is a source. Finding it is the first step to overcoming it.

For example, suppose you want to take yourself out to dinner at that new Japanese restaurant. What are you anxious about? Do you think sitting at a table alone will make it look like you got stood up? Are you worried about what you would do if you didn’t sit on your phone the whole time? (Like stare into blank space like a weirdo while couples and friends canoodle around you?) Are you dreading telling the host “just one” and watching them smile kindly at you with what you can only assume is pity?

If you can specify the thing(s) that are making you nervous, then you can: 1) try to rationalize it away; and/or 2) come up with a strategy to tackle it.

Let’s take that dinner for example. If you want to go out by yourself and not doom-scroll the entire time (you’re already winning), be prepared to fight the urge to fidget by bringing along a book. Not that much into reading? Go analog and old-school with a stack of magazines. (You can buy those at the drugstore, by the way, for my readers who may have never touched a glossy stack in their Gen Z lives.)

Need a book for your solo dinner? See my curated reading lists, classic and contemporary book recommendations, and themed round-ups to accompany you on your solo night out.

Key Takeaway: To learn how to overcome the fear of doing things alone, first you need to understand that fear. Take time to really think about what’s making you uncomfortable. Once you can name it, you can plan for it, challenge it, or let it go.

2. Start small with low-stress activities

Sometimes, baby steps can make all the difference. In August 2024, I flew from Paris to Warsaw to see The Eras Tour all by myself. I’ve been told this is living The Merry Loner Lifestyle on expert level. If you’re not there yet (and you don’t plan to ever be there), that’s okay. Just start small.

If you’re getting ready to learn how to start doing things alone, go slow and easy with low-stress, everyday activities. Here are few ideas of beginner-friendly activities to start doing things alone:

Sit in a coffee shop for a few hours, but don’t use your phone. Instead, read a book. Bring a pack of cards and play solitaire. Knit. Draw. Hell, you could even just sit and sip and people-watch. The point is: Don’t do anything that takes you away from yourself or the present moment, i.e., scrolling on social media.

Go on a long walk. Again, no distractions. No listening to podcasts. No phoning a friend. Music is okay, but it’s even better if you can just really let yourself be alone with your thoughts for a bit to daydream.

Take yourself to a matinee movie. Remember those? ICYMI, movie theaters have gotten a facelift since the pandemic. The snacks have improved. The seats are more comfortable. There’s even booze. Alone at the movies, you don’t need to share snacks or agree on a time. Plus, no one’s paying attention to the empty seat beside you; they’re focused on the screen, just like you.

By starting with a gentle, low-stress activity, you’ll get to try out how it feels doing things alone in a low-pressure environment.

Try This: If hitting up coffee shops on your own is already the norm for you, let’s step outside of the box a little bit. For more inspiration on activities to help you learn how to get better at doing things alone, check out 5 New Things I Want to Do Alone This Year.

3. Imagine the worst-case scenario (so you can prepare for it)

Sometimes, a little doomsday thinking can actually help you look on the bright side.

Say you want to sign up for a cooking class, but none of your friends are into it and you’re worried about looking awkward when everyone else pairs up. Lean into that anxiety. What if no one talks to you? What Iif you’re the worst in the class and everyone notices? What if you feel like the odd one out the whole time?

What if? Are any of these outcomes really that bad? So no one talks to you; chances are, they’re nervous too. A small smile and an introduction from your part could be just the thing to put you (and them) at ease, and maybe even make a new friend.

The “worst case” is never as bad as we think.

Once you take the time to imagine your worst-case scenario and truly picture it happening, you can often poke holes in it and realize that even if it did happen, you’d still be okay, and perhaps even proud of yourself for trying. It’s called decatastrophizing, a technique “that explores the reality of a feared stimulus as a way of diminishing its imagined or anticipated danger,” as defined by the American Psychological Association. You can use it for help the next time you’re in an anxiety spiral, worrying about how to do things alone without feeling self-conscious.

Key Takeaway: Even if something embarrassing happens, it’s not really the end of the world. By imagining your fear in detail, you can give yourself a little reality check and realize that feeling awkward and embarrassed is a totally surmountable problem.

Curious how else a little doomsday thinking can (strangely) help you be more optimistic? Read “Life Is Sad, and Then You Die” for a surprising revelation that can help you find peace.

4. Remind yourself: no one is actually looking at you

If going to a concert by yourself or taking yourself out to that new French restaurant seems a little daunting, you’re not being weird. This is actually a totally normal reaction. It’s called the spotlight effect. As defined in a study by T Gilovich et al. for the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, the spotlight effect describes the phenomenon where “people overestimate the extent to which their actions and appearance are noted by others.” In other words, you think people are paying attention to you a lot more than they actually are. As part of the study, some participants were asked to walk around wearing a tee shirt with either a flattering or embarrassing picture; most people overestimated the number of observers who remembered what they were wearing, i.e., nobody cares that much about what you’re doing.

Unwittingly, I was referencing this phenomenon when I was giving advice to fellow students back in high school.

If a friend was feeling nervous before giving a presentation in front of the class (again, a totally normal feeling), I would say to them: “There’s no need to be nervous. Were you paying attention to anybody else’s presentation on the potato famine? No, you were bored and daydreaming. No one is going to be listening attentively to your presentation.”

In hindsight, that probably came off as a little cold, but my intention was pure: Don’t sweat it. People aren’t paying as much attention to you as you think. What are they paying attention to? Themselves, probably.

It’s a brain thing, apparently. A paper by Meghan L Meyer et al. published in the Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience observed that “the same part of the brain that supports self-reflection…also spontaneously engages by default whenever the brain is free from external demands to attention.” In other words, when we have a free minute, we default to thinking about ourselves, yet another reason to remind yourself that when you’re out in public doing something alone (whether that’s dining solo in a restaurant or going to a concert), nobody is paying attention to you. So feel free to do what you want, anxiety-free.

Key Takeaway and Tip: When you’re eating dinner out alone, going solo to the movies, or taking yourself out on another solo date and you start to feel self-conscious, remind yourself that people are not hyper-focusing on you like you worry they are. You’re just yet another person experiencing the spotlight effect (and everyone else is doing it, too).

5. Try again, even if you didn’t like it the first time

You know what they say: “If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.” Turns out, there’s a bit of psychological truth to that. Per the Cleveland Clinic, exposure therapy is “a type of therapy in which you’re gradually exposed to the things, situations, and activities you fear.”

I’m not saying that people need to go to therapy to learn how to get better at doing things alone. But the idea behind this technique is that by gradually facing your fears in approachable, manageable steps, you can little by little reduce anxiety, build your confidence, and make the intimidating thing less intimidating.

Again, it’s good to start with baby steps, like that coffee shop visit or solo walk in the park. But if your first solo outing feels uncomfortable, awkward, or makes you come home with your palms sweating, don’t give up after the first round. Stick with it.

Try a new solo activity altogether

There are literally infinite things you can do by yourself. Go to the cinema. Go see a play. Go ice skating. Sign up for a painting class. Take a sketch pad, head to the park, and do your best to capture nature’s beauty. Buy a Sudoko book and spend 30 minutes using your brain (and ignoring your phone) outside in the sunshine.

As the old saying goes: “Only boring people get bored.” So if you haven’t had any luck enjoying spending time with yourself, it’s not because it’s impossible; you just haven’t found the right fit yet.

Try your first solo activity again, but change one thing

Maybe reading solo in a cafe isn’t your thing. But reading in a cocktail bar with a gin and tonic? That could be the ultimate relaxing experience. Or maybe instead of setting up camp with your sketchpad in the busiest part of the park, you try heading to a calmer, quieter corner.

Learning how to start doing things alone can take a bit of experimenting, but that’s half the fun of it. Part of the beauty of learning to enjoy spending time with yourself is that you’re always on a great, big, magical quest of getting to know yourself. What piques your interest? What makes you curious? What do you find annoying? What did you use to find annoying, but with time and a new perspective, you’ve come to love?

Revert back to step one: understand what’s really making you nervous

Now’s the time to whip out your journal, your Notes app, a nearby paper napkin, or wherever else you can turn your thoughts into written word. If that first solo activity didn’t click, why? What went wrong? How did it make you feel? And what didn’t you like about that feeling?

The first step in solving a problem is to name it. Then, you can tweak your approach and try again next time. For example, if going to a museum by yourself made you feel too fidgety, bored, and stuck in your own head, then how about trying something a little more hands-on next time? Like signing up for a painting class, gardening outside, or going for a hike.

Key Takeaway: If you didn’t have the time of your life on your first solo date, that’s okay. Just don’t give up here. Reflect on what you didn’t like. Think about what you can do differently next time. And then try again.

Learning how to get better at doing things alone takes more than one shot, and that’s kind of the point. With every solo date, you’re learning more about yourself and building your confidence.

This isn’t about doing everything alone all the time; community is still important

The point of figuring out how to get better at doing things alone isn’t to avoid doing things with other people.

Belonging to and participating in a community plays an important role in enduring mental and even physical health. The research is all there:

Social interaction is good for your health. A study from Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America found that more social interaction “was associated with lower risk of physiological dysregulation,” AKA, your body’s ability to keep internal systems stable and balanced. In contrast, the same study found that people who are socially isolated can have greater risk of hypertension than those with diabetes.

The benefits extend to both physical and mental health. Per a study from SSM – Population Health, a weaker sense of community was associated with “poorer general and mental health.” And that goes for all three age groups studied: from 18 to over 60 years old.

Having strong social relationships may even make you live longer. After assessing the findings of 148 studies, Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a psychologist at Brigham Young University, in Provo, Utah, came to the conclusion that “the size and quality of people’s social relationships either equalled or outmatched almost all the other factors in determining people’s mortality.” Source: BBC

So, why prioritize alone time? Spending time alone, caring for yourself, and learning more about who you are ultimately makes you a better you — and a better person to participate in and support your community, who, in turn, can better support and nurture you. It all comes full circle. Learn to fill your own cup, and you can better pour into others. Everyone wins.

Solitude isn’t a problem to be solved

There’s nothing wrong with craving company. We’re social animals and hardwired for community and connection. But when the presence (or absence) of others becomes the deciding factor for how you live your life, your life isn’t your own anymore.

Doing things alone isn’t lame. It isn’t embarrassing. And it doesn’t have to be anxiety-inducing. It’s a skill and something you can learn (and get better at) over time. Yes, sometimes it feels awkward, especially at first. But every time you take yourself out (whether that’s for a dinner, a walk in the park, or a weekend trip), you realize that you’re capable of creating your own happiness.

That’s freedom, not loneliness.

Next Steps:

Plan a solo date. Because if there’s something you really want to do, why wait for a date? This Guide to Dating Yourself explains why you should prioritize spending time with yourself and shares a few easy-breezy solo date ideas.

Get inspiration for your first (or next) solo trip. It could be as simple as a day trip to the next town over, a weekend away a few hours from your home, or something bold and bucket-list-worthy, like a solo trip to Paris.

Learn how to feel more comfortable going to social events alone, like going to a wedding solo (it’s not as daunting as it sounds).

Practice doing things alone, step by step. A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge gives you bite-sized daily challenges to help you experiment with doing things alone—no stress, no judgment.

How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone: Common FAQs

Why do I not like doing things alone?

A lot of us were taught that it’s shameful, lame, or embarrassing to do things alone. Oh, that must mean that no one picked you. Or you got stood up. Or you were left out of the party. Too often, people seem to forget that spending time alone can be a choice—not a consequence of lack of an invitation. Unfortunately, a lot of us picked up this bad habit. But you can start getting over it and learn how to get better at doing things alone with A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge.

How can I enjoy doing things alone and not feel the need to have someone to accompany me?

Reframe the scenario. Instead of thinking, “I have no one to go to dinner with tonight,” remind yourself: “This is pretty sweet. I can pick the restaurant. I can pick the time. And I can linger over dessert as long as I please.”

It can feel awkward, nerve-wracking, or even a little scary to start doing things alone if you’re always used to having a wingman. So if you still need a little emotional support on your first solo outing, why not bring along another kind of wingman? It could be a book, a journal, a sketchpad, a crossword puzzle. Just don’t let your phone be your wingman. The idea is to disconnect and focus on some in-the-moment you time—no FOMO or doom-scrolling allowed.

How to get used to doing things alone?

It’s like any skill: practice. If your first solo data feels uncomfortable or just weird, try not to overthink it. No one was staring at you. You didn’t have spinach in your teeth. And even if you said something a little lame, I can promise you that everyone has forgotten it by now.

The most important thing is that you get back out there again, whether that’s at the coffee house, restaurant, or yoga studio. The more you try new things alone, the more comfortable (and confident) you’ll feel about yourself.

How do you stop being scared of doing things alone?

Remember as a kid, how your mind would play tricks on you after watching a scary movie? Your imagination is where most of the fear lives. So bring yourself back to reality. Use the worst-case scenario trick from earlier. Ask yourself: “What exactly am I afraid of? What would I do if that actually happened?” Upon a little deeper reflection, you’ll find that most fears (like awkward glances or feeling out of place) are totally survivable.

Plus, courage builds over time. The more you push yourself outside of your comfort zone and spend time doing things alone, the easier (and more rewarding) it will be.

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Feeling Alone in a Relationship: It’s Not Always About the Other Person

Janine Canillas — Tue, 15 Jul 2025 11:32:04 +0000

The real reason so many people feel alone in a relationship.

When I met my husband, he was still in a relationship — a red flag, yes, but one I understood too well. We were both running from the same thing. Not heartbreak, but the kind of loneliness no one talks about: the silent weight we carry into relationships.

Before you love someone else, know who you are alone

For years, I’d filled my time with stunts, adrenaline, and distractions. I jumped off of rooftops, took punches in fight scenes, and drove in high-speed car chases. Always chasing the next rush. He filled his with casual acquaintances and old habits. Neither of us knew how to sit still.

And then, after a few casual hangouts and an almost-kiss, he told me he was seeing someone long-distance. He spoke with honesty, gentleness, and a hint of remorse. He hoped to stay friends, but the difference was that I had done the work before I met him; I could say no to a relationship and still feel whole in my own company. I wasn’t sure he was able to do the same.

I encouraged him to focus on what he already had and that reaching out to me, though flattering, was not a good sign. He insisted, and I gave him the gift an ex-partner once gave me: space. “If you’re serious, you need to take time for yourself. Figure out who you are outside of a relationship. I’ll be here, if and when you’re ready.”

“I could say no to a relationship and still feel whole in my own company. I wasn’t sure he was able to do the same.”
— Jane Canillas for A Merry Loner

That pause changed everything. Something shifted. He stopped filling the quiet with other people’s needs and started listening to his own. He asked the hard questions: “What do I value in a teammate?” “Who am I when I’m not trying to be anyone else’s companion?” When he could answer that, he came back to me, not as a soul looking to be rescued, but as one ready to choose. And I chose him back.

But healing isn’t neat. Often, the ghosts of the past come knocking.

Something to linger on: How to Ask for Space from People You Love

The relationships we use to avoid ourselves

His exes saw the shift. They barely recognized the man who now moved with clarity and limits. The man who no longer sought companionship just to avoid being alone. They fixated on that version of him (particularly his last ex, who seemed to believe his transformation was something she was entitled to). She sent messages that escalated with each holiday — Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s — as if our marriage was just a temporary obstacle. She acted like I was a placeholder for the reunion she’d written in her head.

The truth was, she wasn’t trying to win him back. She was confronting her own hollow that she’d been avoiding, and she didn’t know how to sit with it.

Something to consider: How to Enjoy Your Own Company

Why so many of us are feeling alone in a relationship

A dear friend once told me, “Loneliness only comes from not knowing yourself and what your needs and wants are.” That stayed with me. Because often, what we think is heartbreak is really just the past bouncing off our present, our triggers dressing up as instincts. When we don’t take time to understand who we are, we confuse comfort with connection. We chase people who mirror our wounds instead of our growth.

“Loneliness only comes from not knowing yourself and what your needs and wants are.”

But when you do the work, when you sit with yourself long enough to know what you truly need, those old echoes stop bouncing. You don’t flinch when silence arrives. You welcome it. You know you’re good with who you are.

For a new perspective on alone time: Six Benefits of Solitude & Why Intentional Alone Time Is Getting Harder to Come By

What a good relationship isn’t: avoiding your own company

I know what it’s like to think love is the antidote to emptiness, to mistake passion for neediness or to agree to attachments that feel safe, not right. It takes years, sometimes decades, to realize we’ve built our lives around avoiding being our own company. There’s nothing more isolating than being with a person who’s using you as a buffer from their own reflection or someone who, like I once was, simply isn’t ready to settle down.

When I was chasing the flame (literally, doing high-octane stunts and doubling A-list actresses and models like Cara Delevingne), I sought approval and validation. But when I took space for myself, I got to understand the full shape of solitude.

“There’s nothing more isolating than being with a person who’s using you as a buffer from their own reflection.”
— Janine Canillas for A Merry Loner

By leaning into and fully appreciating my own solitude, I learned to recognize other people’s intentions and to walk away from those who didn’t inspire me to be myself. That’s why I encouraged my now-husband to take a pause and get to know himself before getting to know me.

When we met, I refused to be a rebound or a rescue. I wanted to be chosen, with eyes wide open, by someone who had faced their own silence and survived it. Because when you’ve been truly alone and have made peace with it, love becomes something else entirely. It’s not a fix; i’s a partnership.

Two can be better than one, but one isn’t a problem

When we finally got together, it wasn’t because he craved company or because I longed to be rescued. It was because we each knew who we were standing on our own and were curious about who we could become together.

“When a person grows, they don’t owe that growth to the people who knew them before. And they don’t have to apologize for evolving.”
— Jane Canillas for A Merry Loner

Yes, we got married quickly, in mere months. Some people thought we rushed. But we talked about goals, values, kids, finances, fears. We didn’t avoid the hard stuff. We dug into it (not every couple does that, even after a decade). Still, the ripples came. Even though he had released what once defined him, his past struggled to let go. These women weren’t villains. They were just stuck in the same pattern he had finally stepped out of. They saw his glow-up and mistook it for a doorway back in. For a while, that hurt. It made me question things: our pace, our bond, even myself. But what I realized is this:

When a person grows, they don’t owe that growth to the people who knew them before. And they don’t have to apologize for evolving with a new partner.

Don’t trade your solitude for just anyone

I don’t pretend we’re perfect, but we’re honest. And more than anything, we’re rooted in something rare: two people who sat in their own silence long enough to know they didn’t want to fill it with just anyone. It takes courage to risk losing a relationship to find yourself, to wait for the right person, not out of desperation, but out of respect.

In the end, love isn’t about who stays. It’s about why they stay. And we stay because we choose each other, clearly and consciously. Not to escape ourselves, but because we know who we are.

Next Steps:

Get up close and personal with yourself. Do you know who you really are? Explore these books on self-awareness to help you know you, before you get to know someone else.

Ponder your fate. Even if that means being alone for now. Learn how to find acceptance alone.

Learn to live with yourself first. Read why every woman should live alone at least once.

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The post Feeling Alone in a Relationship: It’s Not Always About the Other Person appeared first on A Merry Loner.

Living Alone as a Woman: Why Every Woman Should Live Alone at Least Once

Isabel Ravenna — Mon, 16 Jun 2025 13:05:56 +0000

Solitude isn’t loneliness—it’s liberation.

A few weeks ago, I received a text: “Should I live alone or move back in with my parents?” My friend had lived with the same roommate for half a decade, and life was inviting a change. To me, the answer felt obvious—perhaps that’s only because I’d already taken the plunge.

I was 20 years old when I first lived alone. It was a drastic transition from the home I’d grown up in to a one-bedroom apartment, 40 miles away (to Angelenos, I might as well have moved cross-country). I didn’t know a single person in my new city, and a growing pain was definitely felt. But I’d soon learn that it was only the beginning of the next (very important) four years. Yes, living alone is an economic privilege—for anyone. But living alone as a woman is not inconsiderate—it’s self-honoring.

In my response, I asked my friend, “What happens when a woman builds a life that belongs solely to her?”

Related Posts:

More honest essays on learning to love your alone time?

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Society tells us women are not meant to be alone

Women across cultures are brought up to serve others—emotionally, logistically, physically—even in the modern world and in such subtle ways that you might not notice it until a moment relieves you of those duties. Despite the feminist movement making significant social strides, society still manages to whisper rewards for partnership and condemnation for solitude.

In response to the longer, more philosophical answer than she probably expected, my friend replied, “So you’re team ‘Live on Your Own.’ That’s where I’m leaning too, but I don’t know—I feel bad.”

And there it is. Right on time: feminine guilt.

She wasn’t feeling bad for her multiple years of cohabitating with a friend. Perhaps because it felt justified for reducing costs on behalf of herself and another. Possibly the righteousness of providing company was enough to rationalize. And yet, given the option of her preference—personal space—she felt shame. Precisely my point.

What happens when a woman learns to hear her own voice

If the opportunity arises, women should, at some point, choose solitude, for what accompanies it is invaluable and rare: self-rootedness, independence, and autonomy.

At first, the feeling might be odd, even uncomfortable, not just from the sudden silence of external noise but from the internal clutter, as well.

When the alarm goes off in the morning, she’ll make her way out of bed, moving through her mute space, pour some coffee, take a shower, get dressed, and leave for work—all without saying a word. Saying “goodbye” to a coworker before clocking out some evenings might be her voice’s grand finale for the night (at least with an audience). So long as she doesn’t work from home, like I.

Her ordinary choices will be perceived and influenced by none other than her own heart and mind

Perhaps she’ll make an occasional call. But eventually, she’s thinking most of her thoughts aloud and becoming accustomed to constant background noise—classical music, television, or podcasts.

But what did she eat for breakfast? Anything? How much sugar did she add to her coffee with no one to judge? Was her shower a silent one? Or perhaps she rehearsed her monologue for the afternoon presentation.

Talking and singing to herself won’t be the sole side effects of her sovereignty. Eventually, she’ll see its impact—subtly, at first, and then all at once. Her confidence, habits, and emotional regulation will become natural responses to her truest thoughts.

When anxiety arises, she’ll find no distractions. She might look around, desperate for a reason to perform—but the room will be empty. When the inevitable sadness arrives unannounced, perhaps she’ll put on a romantic comedy. And possibly, this isn’t an unusual response. But the film she plays will be nothing other than a choice of her own.

Her ordinary choices will be perceived and influenced by none other than her own heart and mind: what to eat for dinner; what song to sing in the shower; how long the shower will be. Maybe the lights will be off. Maybe a single candle will be lit. I wonder if the soundtrack will be Lana Del Rey’s voice or that of a self-honoring silence.

And after that, who’s to say if she wears silk pajamas, a 10-year-old t-shirt, or nothing at all when she tucks herself into bed, saying, “Sweet dreams, Self.”

Not quite ready to go out on your own yet? Baby steps.

A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge can help you get there.

Daily bite-sized challenges to help you experiment with doing things alone
A judgment-free zone to share all your feels about how the day’s activity went
7 journal prompts to help you process and learn from what you did that day

Getting over the myth of loneliness

The weight of being alone is only a temporary feeling. And like any weight, picking it up often enough will strengthen the muscle of being alone.

It’s only natural that the first moments of reclamation will look like an empty space, but as an anonymous (probably female) person once said, “Sometimes you need to be alone. Not to be lonely, but to enjoy your free time being yourself.”

It’s no secret that the same invisible weight can exist even when we’re among others. And in the opposite way, solitude can feel deeply fulfilling. In fact, in its truest form, the need to be seen and heard more often stems from the feeling of abandonment than state of solitude. Kent Nerburn wrote it well in Simple Truths:

“Loneliness is like sitting in an empty room and being aware of the space around you. It is a condition of separateness. Solitude is becoming one with the space around you. It is a condition of union.”

This otherness is among the most feared states in modern life: feeling alone, eating alone, sleeping alone, dying alone. But so much of our activity is rooted in a thing so separate from ourselves and our true desires. Perhaps you’re exhausted, but among company at a party. Disengaged, but among company watching TV. Heartbroken, but among company, feeling worse.

When you’re able to be alone, you can truly listen to yourself for a moment, hear what’s needed, and do that thing. Whether it includes, satisfies, or benefits another person mustn’t always be your concern. Only then will the company of yourself become more fulfilling than that of others.

Living alone as a woman—when every season is your own

Of course, much of this applies to everyone—but for women especially, living alone can be a rare and radical act of self prioritization, resisting the socialization that her life is only meaningful when making sacrifices for another.

Is the purpose of life to enrich the lives of others? Possibly. Is it also a purpose of life to unapologetically enjoy your own? I’d like to think so. But if that’s too radical, perhaps begin with getting to know yourself, in the truest way—undistracted, uncoerced, unrestricted. Carve out a season of solitude, plant some seeds, and give yourself some room to grow. Because when the only person you’re living for is you, it’s wild what you’ll discover.

Besides, as I told my friend, living alone isn’t forever—unless she wants it to be.

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Isabel Ravenna is a journalist and editor-in-chief of The Ravenna Report. Her work—featured in National Geographic, Business Insider, Complex and SFGate—explores culture, history, identity, and the quiet revolutions we live every day.

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