When you’re confident and comfortable in your own company, it becomes easier to talk to strangers, reach out first, and make plans repeatedly. That’s what builds friendship, whether you’re moving to a new city or just facing a social dry spell.

We are suffering from a loneliness epidemic. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you. Depending on whom you talk to, some might even tell you we’re suffering from a male loneliness epidemic, specifically. Whether we let men claim loneliness as their own personal plight or evaluate the larger spectrum of adult relationships, the present and future states of friendship look bleak: 

• People are making fewer friends. In 1990, one-third of Americans said they had 10 or more close friends. In 2021, just 13% said the same. Even worse, in 1990, only 3% said they had no friends. In 2021, 12% of Americans said they have no friends, per the Survey Center on American Life.

• They’re going to fewer social gatherings. “Only 4.1% of Americans attended or hosted a social event on an average weekend or holiday in 2023—that’s a 35% drop from 2004, says  The Atlantic.

• They’re having less sex. “…researchers have become alarmed at declines in sexual activity around the world, from Japan to Europe to Australia,” explains Scientific American.

This isn’t just a problem with “the kids these days.” Across genders and generations, people everywhere are struggling to make new friends. 

In this post, I share four truths on how to make new friends as an adult and why learning to get confident and comfortable in your own company will actually help you make more friends. 

What it takes to learn how to make new friends as an adult

Four in ten U.S. adults describe making new friends as “hard” or “very hard,” per a survey from YouGov. I simply don’t agree. While I concede it takes time, pointed effort, and (let’s be honest) a little patience to make new friends in adulthood, I wouldn’t call it particularly hard. In fact, I find it even easier than making friends in college. That’s because I’ve accepted four key truths about how to make new friends:

1. To make new friends, you have to meet strangers.

Duh. All friends start out as strangers, which means if you want to make more friends, you have to start talking to more strangers. 

I always say that friendship is like dating; it’s a numbers game. As you search for the people that feel like home, you may go to dozens of meet-ups, parties, or even app-facilitated events. Many of the people you meet there will not become your friends. Most, you will never see more than once or twice. Some you may see a few times on “friend dates” until you run out of things to say to each other and the lack of chemistry causes your outings to fizzle out. 

But you don’t need 20 new friends right now. You just need a few close friends to make life better. And the more strangers you meet and mingle with, the greater your chances of finding those few close friends.

Not confident going to meet-ups and mingling with strangers? It takes practice getting comfortable trying new things on your own. A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge helps you build confidence doing things alone so meeting new people is easier and less daunting.

2. To make new friends, you have to reach out first.

Again, this sounds pathetically obvious, but really, this is where most people trip up when trying to make new friends in adulthood. Simply exchanging numbers with someone is not enough to turn them into the kind of friend you laugh until you cry with, share embarrassing stories with, and keep in your inner circle for years to come. You have to build up to that, one “friend date” at a time.

That requires making plans.

Imagine Jill, a young working professional who is having a hard time figuring out how to make friends in a new city. She goes to a meet-up event and has a jolly time enjoying a few drinks while mingling with strangers. She has a particularly interesting conversation with two women who, like her, love going to yoga class; the three even decide to exchange phone numbers. Everyone smiles and says they look forward to seeing each other soon. 

Then everyone returns to their respective homes, and they never speak again. Why? Because each person is waiting for someone else to reach out. Each feels that if the other person doesn’t contact them, then they aren’t really interested in becoming friends. 

In the end, nobody contacts anybody. What were once promising seeds of a beautiful friendship (or at least a very pleasant acquaintance, as we need those to be happy, too) die before they even get a chance to be planted. 

This is where most people make a mistake when trying to make new friends. They believe making new friends after college is impossible: “I’m going to the events. I’m mingling with strangers. I’m exchanging numbers. But it doesn’t work. I never make new friends there.” They’re forgetting a crucial step: To turn strangers into friends, you have to have the courage to text first.

Find yourself scrolling social media more often than you spend time socializing? That’s a fast-track to feeling lonely, depressed, and isolated. Try these five strategies to quit social media to start reclaiming your time (and your sanity) from Big Tech.

3. To make new friends, you have to make plans, repeatedly.

How can you turn an acquaintance into a new friend? Repeated, regular contact. 

To continue the above example: Let’s say Jill does have the courage to send the first text. She and Allison meet for coffee and go to a yoga class together and generally have a grand, old time. That’s still not enough to become friends. After all, you don’t make friends from one conversation. You make new friends from repeated, consistent interactions over time. 

Why does it feel so easy to make new friends in college (and so hard in adulthood)?

When you’re in college, you’re forced to spend time with the same people, day in and day out. Maybe it’s your roommate or someone with whom you share a few classes. You might not even like each other at first, but after several months of prolonged exposure, overlapping experiences, and obligatory small talk via group projects or mutual acquaintances, you begin to form a bond. 

That’s when friendship starts to take shape. Not with everyone, of course. We still have personalities. You’ll hit it off with some people more easily than others; some, not at all. But without spending any time together, how can you ever have the chance to hit it off? 

After college, when we’re no longer living in artificial communities where the larger population has more or less the same lifestyle, it’s much harder to repeatedly see the same people every day  (at least without our own doing). 

We have to create these repeated, consistent interactions ourselves by taking the initiative to make plans, over and over again. Like this: 

• A few days after meeting someone new, invite them out for coffee. 

• If getting coffee was fun, tell them so afterwards. Then invite them to dinner a week later.

• If things are still going well, invite them over later in the month for drinks with a few other potential friends. 

• By this point, if things actually are going well and you both enjoy spending time together, the seeds of friendship will naturally begin to germinate. But it takes effort to get the ball rolling. 

You don’t make friends from one conversation. You make new friends from repeated, consistent interactions over time.

Moving to a new city and feeling lonely is a feeling too many people are familiar with. Read guest writer Gavin Williams’s personal essay on moving to a new city in his thirties and what unexpected change he made to overcome loneliness.

4. To make new friends, you have to separate yourself from your pack.

One of the easiest ways to make new friends is to meet friends of friends and let things snowball from there. This way, you don’t have to go out and meet strangers, build up the courage to text first, or even initiate regular meet-ups. 

But sometimes, your friends can actually hold you back. When you’re constantly surrounded by people you already know, you live in a safe, familiar bubble, which severely limits your opportunities to try new things and meet new people. I’m no stranger to this familiarity trap, and I’ve observed it plenty in others, as well. Imagine: 

You go to a party with one or two of your best friends. Instead of mingling with anyone new and talking with them beyond a few initial pleasantries, you spend the entire evening in the corner absorbed in conversations with your best friends. 

On its own, there’s nothing inherently wrong with this; spending time with friends is obviously one of the greater joys of life. But if you’re trying to figure out how to make new friends, this approach isn’t going to help you. By over-relying on your existing friends and using them as a security blanket which which to navigate new social situations, you limit your exposure to new people and, thus, many opportunities to make new friends.

Are you afraid to step out of your comfort zone? It’s hard to know if you don’t really know yourself. Check out these seven books on self-awareness to help you learn more about who you are.

Why it’s easier to make new friends when you’re confident and comfortable in your own company

When we’re young, making new friends is as natural as asking your kindergarten peer, “Do you want to be my best friend?” In high school, the friendship-building experience is easy for some, brutal for others. In college, social interactions tend to get easier for most. By adulthood, however, the ease with which we make friends seems to vanish, as evidenced by a study from the Survey Center on American Life that reveals those who don’t go to college have noticeably smaller social networks than those who do. 

The solution to learning how to make new friends in adulthood isn’t downloading more apps or going to more meet-ups. These moves can be helpful, but they’re only one part of the equation. Instead, making new friends starts with getting comfortable being alone. Here’s why: 

It’s easier to meet (and talk to) strangers

Meeting strangers is nerve-wracking, anxiety-inducing, and downright scary for a lot of people. The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that 12% of U.S. adults (that’s about 41 million people) have experienced some social anxiety disorder at at least one point in their lives.

But you have to meet people you don’t know in order to make new friends. And it’s a lot easier to talk to strangers if you’re confident and comfortable with yourself.

It’s less nerve-wracking to reach out first.

To turn a stranger into a known, trusted friend, you have to see them over and over again. That doesn’t happen by itself. Someone has to step up to the plate and reach out first. And because we’re adults taking control of our own lives, that “someone” is you. 

It’s much easier to send that first text (and not stress about the slowness or lack of a response) when you’re already confident, comfortable, and content with who you are. Without healthy self-esteem to begin with, you’re much more vulnerable to ghosting or rejection (which are inevitable parts of life, no matter how great we are).

It’s more natural to make plans, again and again.

After you’ve built up the courage to put yourself out there and send the first text, you probably haven’t made a new friend yet. It takes more than one coffee to develop a relationship, which means sending those texts over and over again to invite people for dinner, wish them happy birthday, or suggest a weekend party. 

It’s hard to remember to make plans if you’re not playing an active role in your own life, like waiting to be invited to events or just generally waiting for life to “happen” to you. But if you are a confident, engaged character in your own life, then hosting a dinner party, taking day trips, or planning other activities where you can invite other people to join you is as natural as waking up in the morning.

It’s not scary to try new things alone.

You can’t try new things and meet new people if you’re too busy talking to those you already know. 

But leaving behind your social security blanket is hard to do if you don’t have the confidence to step out of your comfort zone, put yourself in different situations, and try new things on your own.

Conclusion: Learning how to make new friends starts with you alone

A common gripe of the modern era is the ongoing friendship recession. People are lonely, lacking community, and unsure how to develop close ties after school. The answer is not downloading another app or texting your ex in hopes of rejoining your old friend group. Making new friends starts with you. 

By learning to get confident and comfortable in your own company, it’ll be easier to meet and talk to strangers, initiate plans, and make new friends, whether you’re moving to a new city or just facing a social dry spell. 

Friends are undeniably one of the treasures that makes life worth living, but don’t forget that creating a life you love starts with you.

Next Steps:

Sign up to attend one event this month. You can use tools like Creative Lunch, Meetup, or Facebook groups to find events near you. 

Text one acquaintance already in your contacts. Don’t overthink it. A simple, “How’s it going? Want to grab a coffee this week?” can go far. 

Remind yourself that you’re steering your own ship. If you’re feeling lonely, check out these quotes on feeling alone to remember that the cure for loneliness must come from you.

Use the image below to save this post to Pinterest so this list is there when you need it.

How to Make New Friends: Common FAQs

How to make new friends

It’s simple: talk to strangers; then talk to them again and again until they become friends. But that requires putting yourself in new environments where you can meet strangers and then reaching out first to make plans, both things that are difficult if you lack self-confidence. Read How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone to learn how to find confidence and comfort in your own company.

Why is it so hard to figure out how to make new friends as an adult?

School forces us to spend time with the same people over and over again, naturally setting the stage for long-term friendships. But when you’re on your own as an adult, you have to take the initiative. That means pushing yourself outside your comfort zone and building up the courage to reach out first. It gets easier with practice, though. Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to learn how to get more confident and comfortable trying new things (like talking to strangers) by yourself.

How to make new friends in your 20s, 30s, 40s, or 50s?

Whether you’re fresh out of college or beginning to think about retirement, the same four truths about making new friends apply. To make new friends, you have to: 1) meet strangers; 2) reach out first; 3) make plans, repeatedly; 4) step outside of your known friend group. All of these steps are easier when you’re already confident and comfortable trying new things alone. If you’re not there yet, try these four ways to learn how to enjoy your own company.

Where can I make new friends as an adult?

To make new friends, you have to do four things: 1) meet new people; 2) invite those new people to hang out; 3) keep inviting them to hang out; 4) give yourself permission to meet new people without your friends keeping you company. You can start by meeting new people online from events organized by Creative Lunch, Meetup, or Facebook groups. If you’re really confident trying new things on your own, you can meet new people by joining clubs, going to the gym, volunteering, signing up for co-working spaces, etc. 

Not confident showing up to new events by yourself? Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to get confident and comfortable in your own company so you can get out there, meet new people, and make new friends.

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The post Why Being a Loner Helps You Make New Friends appeared first on A Merry Loner.

Consider these quotes a chance to rub shoulders with unmet kindred spirits. 

It’s really impossible to avoid. No matter how many friends we have, how cherished we feel by our family, or the current state of our romantic entanglements, at the end of the day, we are all on our own. 

Being alone is something we can’t escape, though many people try. 

In moments of quiet, they rush to the screen to fill the void, staring at Reels that don’t interest them but are simply there. 

Or they swipe through dating apps, not really with any intention of meeting someone. But it’s something to fill the time; to pique the curiosity; to busy the fingers; to attempt to assess our own appearance, status, and social standing by seeing how we stack up against the other fish in the sea. 

Others choose to wallow, to lament their solitude and what they perceive as their unique suffering: “No one understands my grief, my troubles, my depression, my demons.” 

But they do. 

Perhaps not everyone. It’s unlikely that every soul you cross is a long-lost kindred spirit who can understand your intimate yearnings and despair with nary a glance. After all, those are your crosses to bear; they have theirs. 

But in recognizing that each of us is lost on our individual paths, searching for meaning and something to give substance to the confusing series of events we call life, we can find a comfort. 

That comfort is knowing we are all lost and alone and swimming through the dark. But every now and then, we brush fingers with a passing swimmer and are reminded that, though we may be paddling alone, floundering and thrashing, we are all together in the same ocean, fighting against the same currents, trying our best to stay afloat. 

Consider these quotes a chance to rub shoulders with unmet kindred spirits. They may not share your exact troubles, but they can understand the pain. 

Still feeling lonely? The cure for loneliness doesn’t come from others; it comes from within.

If you want to learn how to get comfortable being alone in your own company, join A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge.

The shortlist: 42 quotes about feeling alone to make you feel less lonely

8 quotes about feeling alone in life — to help you get more comfortable in solitude

4 quotes about feeling alone and unwanted — to help you find self-worth in alone time

4 quotes about feeling alone and lost — to remind you that the way forward is by charting your own path, not following others’. 

5 quotes about feeling alone in a relationsip — to remind you that solitude is not something to be rescued from

5 quotes about feeling alone in a crowd — to remind you that the cure for loneliness must come from you

3 quotes about feeling alone and depressed — to remember that sadness is a part of the human condition and is always surmountable

6 short quotes about feeling alone — to teach you that alone time isn’t punishment

7 inspirational quotes about feeling alone — to remind you that solitude is not only worthwhile but necessary

More popular posts on the Loner Mindset:

How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone

How to Enjoy Your Own Company

Feeling Alone in a Relationship? It’s Not Always About the Other Person

Quotes about feeling alone in life

There’s no point in trying to run away from loneliness; it is a part of life. 

When you learn to not fear solitude but embrace the time and space it gives you to think deeply and experiment freely, then you’ve found the key to a more peaceful life. 

Test the waters of spending time alone with these six quotes about feeling alone in life:

1. “All great and precious things are lonely.”

Speaker: John Steinbeck, American writer (1902—1968)

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2. “We live as we dream: alone....”

Speaker: Joseph Conrad, Polish-British novelist (1857—1924)

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3. “If one's different, one's bound to be lonely.”

Speaker: Aldous Huxley, English writer and philosopher (1894—1963)

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4. “Loneliness is and always has been the central and inevitable experience of every man.”

Speaker: Thomas Wolfe, American writer (1900—1938)

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5. “
Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.”

Speaker: Janet Fitch, American author (1955—)

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6. “Loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself.”

Speaker: Rupi Kaur, Indian-Canadian poet, illustrator, photographer, and author (1992—)

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7. “That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you're not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.”

Speaker: F. Scott Fitzgerald, American novelist, essayist, and short story writer (1896—1940)

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8. “She was beautiful, in the quiet way that lonely, unnoticed people are beautiful to those who notice them.”

Speaker: Jedediah Berry, American writer (1977—)

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Want to do more soul-searching than short quotes on feeling alone can provide? 

Explore these five Books on Existential Dread, including novels, poetry, and philosophical writings, to probe your inner thinker.

Quotes about feeling alone and unwanted

We often view solitude, not as something we’ve chosen, but as something that has happened to us. If we are alone, it means we have been rejected; we have been left out; nobody wants to love us or hold us. 

But that’s not true. Solitude is not a curse foisted upon us but the very place where we can most be ourselves. Learn to find self-respect and self-worth in your alone time, and you will no longer fear the quiet days. 

Get inspired with these 4 quotes about feeling alone and sad:

1. “For fear you will be alone, you do so many things that aren’t you at all.”

Speaker: Richard Brautigan, American novelist, poet, and short story writer (1935—1984)

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2. “If you feel unwanted or unappreciated where you are or by those you're with, it only means you're in the wrong place or with the wrong people. Hang in there. Someone else will see you for the true gift you are.”

Speaker: L.K. Hunsaker, American writer (unknown)

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3. “I feel profoundly alone, cut off, unattractive…I feel unloveable. But I respect that unloveable soldier—struggling to survive, struggling to be honest, just, honourable. I respect myself.”

Speaker: Susan Sontag, American writer and critic (1933—2004)

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4. “I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.”

Speaker: Warsan Shire, British writer, poet, teacher (1988—)

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When we feel unwanted by people, we often cushion the blow by wanting material things. 

“Once I have these things, then I will be better,” we tell ourselves. “And then I can be loved.” 

Don’t be tricked into thinking material goods can take away your loneliness. 

Read How to Stop Wanting Things to finally stop trying to fill the void.

Quotes about feeling alone and lost

It’s a natural default to turn to others for guidance. 

Surely, others know more than we do. We may not know the details of their lives, their inner turmoil, or their own shortcomings, but from the outside, they seem to be doing much better than we. 

So we try to copy them. 

This is a mistake and one we are more likely to make when feeling alone, lost, or unsure of what to do next.

Read these 4 quotes about feeling alone and lost to remind yourself that the way forward is by charting your own path, not following another’s:

1. “Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony.”

Speaker: Douglas Coupland, Canadian novelist, designer and visual artist (1961—)

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2. “God, but life is loneliness, despite all the opiates, despite the shrill tinsel gaiety of 'parties' with no purpose, despite the false grinning faces we all wear. And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter—they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long. Yes, there is joy, fulfillment and companionship—but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible and overpowering.”

Speaker: Sylvia Plath, American poet and author (1932—1963)

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3. “If you don't like the scene you're in, if you're unhappy, if you're lonely, if you don't feel that things are happening, change your scene. Paint a new backdrop.”

Speaker: Leo Buscaglia, American writer, motivational speaker, and professor (1924—1998)

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4. “But you can vanquish the demons only when you yourself are convinced of your own worth.”

Speaker: Adeline Yen Mah, Chinese-American author and physician (1937–)

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Moving is a major cause of loneliness. 

When we step away from familiar surroundings, we sometimes feel like we’re stepping away from our own identity: “Who am I without these people, these places, these things I recognize?” 

But wherever you go, you are still there. You still have you. 

Read Moving to a New City in Your 30s—Feeling Lonely in Your “Prime” for a true story of searching for fulfillment in new places, only to realize that home and contentment were always within.

Quotes about feeling alone in a relationship

It’s a common misconception that the easiest way out of loneliness is to tie yourself to someone else. 

But relationships, whether romantic or familial or platonic, cannot stop us from feeling lonely if we aren’t at peace with ourselves. Actually, getting tangled up in a romantic affair with someone who is merely there to fill the space is a surefire way to feel even more lost, misunderstood, and alone. 

These five quotes about feeling alone in a relationship remind us that solitude is not something to be rescued from:

1. "I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.”

Speaker: Robin Williams, American actor and comedian (1951—2014)

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2. “It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company.”

Speaker: George Washington, a Founding Father and first president of the USA (1732—1799)

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3. “People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don’t think that’s true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.”

Speaker: Kim Culbertson, American author (unknown)

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4. “I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”

Speaker: Hunter S. Thompson, American journalist and author (1937—2005)

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5. “Don't attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you're lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. The best thing you can do it know yourself... know what you want.”

Speaker: Janet Fitch, American author (1955—)

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What is the real reason so many people feel alone in their relationship? 

It’s not their partner’s fault. It’s their own. Read why loneliness in a relationship isn’t always a shared responsibility.

Quotes about feeling alone in a crowd

People do not guarantee connection or understanding or fulfillment. Surrounding ourselves with others can give us a preliminary, surface-level validation: “People like me. I must have value.” 

But when we rely on others for validation, our self-worth becomes as fickle as their attention. 

Here are five quotes about feeling alone in a crowd to remind you that the cure for loneliness must come from you:

1. “When you’re surrounded by all these people, it can be lonelier than when you’re by yourself. You can be in a huge crowd, but if you don't feel like you can trust anyone or talk to anybody, you feel like you’re really alone.”

Speaker: Fiona Apple, American singer-songwriter (1977—)

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2. “We are all alone in this world; even in a crowd.”

Speaker: Kenneth G. Eade, American attorney, political activist, and author (1957—)

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3. “People empty me. I have to get away to refill.”

Speaker: Charles Bukowski, German-American poet, novelist, and short story writer (1920—1994)

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4. “A crowd is not company.”

Speaker: Seneca the Younger, Stoic philosopher (4 BC—AD 65)

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5. “Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.”

Speaker: Carl Jung, Swiss psychiatrist, psychotherapist, psychologist (1875—1961)

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Likes, comments, follows, and subscribers cannot cure loneliness. 

They may provide a tingle. They may spark a little joy. They may stroke the ego. But when those sensations evaporate, we’re often left feeling more hollow and hungry for validation than ever before. 

Stop the chase. Learn How to Quit Social Media and find 30+ ideas to replace the urge to scroll—morning, noon, and night.

Quotes about feeling alone and depressed

Depression is not something to take lightly, to meme-ify, or to self-diagnose. It is serious suffering that impedes and impairs. 

If you or someone you know needs help in the USA, you can call or text 988 or chat at www.988lifeline.org.

If you merely need a few moments to remember that sadness is a part of the human condition and is always surmountable, find comfort in these three quotes about feeling alone and depressed to know others share your plight:

1. “There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”

Speaker: Laurell K. Hamilton, American fantasy and romance writer (1963—)

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2. “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.”

Speaker: John Milton, English poet, polemicist, and civil servant (1608—1674)

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3. “What people never understand is that depression isn’t about the outside; it’s about the inside.”

Speaker: Jasmine Warga, American children’s and YA book author (1988—)

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I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but: There is no end to sadness in life. 

That doesn’t mean life can’t also be joyous and buoyant and celebratory. 

Learning to accept the bad with the good can help us enjoy the good moments even more and remember that the bad, no matter how all-encompassing it may now feel, will at some point, also be behind us.

Read “Life Is Sad and Then You Die.” Why this is the motto that will bring you peace.

Short quotes about feeling alone

Alone time isn’t a punishment. It’s where thinking, reflecting, and resting happen. 

But we’ve been conditioned to see alone time as embarrassing, selfish, or even shameful. Let these six short quotes about feeling alone change your mind:

1. "If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.”

Speaker: Andy Rooney, American radio and television presenter (1919—2011)

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2. “If you are never alone, you cannot know yourself.”

Speaker: Paulo Coelho de Souza, Brazilian lyricist and novelist (1947–)

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3. “You cannot be lonely if you like the person you are alone with.”

Speaker: Wayne Dyer, American self-help author (1940—2015)

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4. “Solitude makes it possible for us to literally enjoy ourselves.”

Speaker: Mokokoma Mokhonoana, South African author and philosopher (1985—2023)

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5. “If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company.”

Speaker: Jean-Paul Sartre, French philosopher, playwright, novelist, screenwriter, political activist, biographer, and literary critic (1905—1980)

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6. “The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.”

Speaker: Mark Twain, American writer, humorist, and essayist (1835—1910)

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Do you feel embarrassed doing things alone? Selfish for taking time for yourself? Or ashamed to be without a partner? 

Solitude isn’t shameful. It’s where peace is found and creativity is born. 

Learn how to reclaim your solitude and find peace doing things alone with A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge.

Inspirational quotes about feeling alone

Spending time alone can certainly feel lonely. It’s no secret that we are social beings who crave connection, compassion, and community. But that doesn’t mean solitude has to be a punishment. 

We should never let ourselves reach the point where we are so desperate for external validation that self-appreciation becomes worthless.

Let these seven inspirational quotes about feeling alone remind you that solitude is not only worthwhile but necessary:

1. “In the middle of winter, I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer.”

Speaker: Albert Camus, French philosopher, novelist, author, journalist, and political activist (1913—1960)

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2. “When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”

Speaker: Elizabeth Gilbert, American journalist and author (1969—)

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3. “A season of loneliness and isolation is when the caterpillar gets its wings. Remember that next time you feel alone.”

Speaker: Mandy Hale, American blogger (unknown)

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4. “Someday you’re gonna be all alone, so you need to figure out how to take care of yourself.”

Speaker: “The Queen’s Gambit,” American miniseries (2020)

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5. “Even in the loneliest moments I have been there for myself.”

Speaker: Sanober Khan, Mumbai-based poet and writer (unknown)

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7. “It’s easy to stand in the crowd but it takes courage to stand alone.”

Speaker: Mahatma Gandhi, Indian lawyer, anti-colonial nationalist, and political ethicist (1869—1948)

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Are you afraid of being alone? 

Afraid of turning into a spinster? Being a forever bachelor? Being friendless. Childless. All descriptors we’ve accidentally made synonymous with “worthless.” 

Learn why being alone isn’t only not something to be afraid of—it’s the key to happiness.

Conclusion: Quotes of feeling alone remind us we are the only constant in our own lives

Loneliness is unavoidable. Just consider how individual and unique every human being is. 

How can we expect others to understand (or even be aware of) the intricacies of each year of our lives that laced together have made us who we are today? They cannot. 

This does not mean we cannot experience profound connection or camaraderie or closeness with others. These moments are necessary to the human experience and should also be prioritized. 

But as we bond and grow with others, we must never lose the bond we maintain with ourselves. The bond we can only cultivate when we are alone. 

This is not a call to shun community or to isolate. But when lonely moments do arrive, don’t rush to fill them with external stimuli. Let yourself steep in them. 

For as the years go by, life is made up of many moments of solitude. How will you fill yours?

Next Steps:

Practice spending time alone—without using external stimuli to numb yourself. Join A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge for daily exercises to teach you how to find comfort in your own company. 

Scale back the strange voices you let in. It’s hard to get to know yourself and listen to your intuition when you’re constantly consuming ads, videos, and other people’s ambitions. But you don’t have to let them in. Learn How to Quit Social Media to reclaim your time and sanity.

Give yourself permission to spend time with yourself. It isn’t selfish, embarrassing, or shameful. See 5 reasons why it’s important to learn to enjoy your own company.

Use the image below to save this post to Pinterest so this list is there when you need it.

Quotes About Feeling Alone: Common FAQs

What are some quotes to read when you’re feeling alone?

One quote from Joseph Conrad, Polish-British novelist comes to mind: “We live as we dream: alone.” 

For deeper musings on feeling alone in a turbulent world, crack open Books for Existential Dread.

What are the best quotes about loneliness?

My favorite author, F. Scott Fitzgerald, said: “That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longers are universal longings, that you’re not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.” 

Read seven more quotes about feeling alone in life for a new perspective on loneliness.

Is there a quote about love and feeling lonely?

British writer, poet, and teacher Warsan Shire shares a poignant one: “I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.” 

See four more quotes about feeling alone and unwanted to help you feel less lonely in love.

What are some quotes on finding happiness in loneliness?

“In the middle of winter, I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer,” said French philosopher, Albert Camus. 

Get more perspectives on finding peace in solitude with six more inspirational quotes about feeling alone.

Merry

Merry is the blogger behind A Merry Loner, a full-time freelance writer, and a lifelong bookworm. Since kindergarten, it was her dream to become a novelist. (She likes to think she's headed in the right direction.) Born and raised in Rhode Island, where she earned a triple-major BA in writing, communication, and French from the University of Rhode Island, she moved to Toulouse, France after the pandemic to complete a master's in creative writing at Univeristé Toulouse Jean — Jaurès. She now lives in Paris with husband.

Discover how the merry loner lifestyle makes life more enjoyable:

LONER MINDSET: fresh perspectives on learning to genuinely enjoy your own company

BOOKS: reading lists for people who love being alone with a good story

ANALOG LIVING: inspiration to step back from the screen and live a life offline

SOLO TRAVEL: guides on where to go and how to enjoy it alone

MINDFUL CONSUMPTION: vetted recommendations for a simpler, less wasteful life

LONER Q&As: interviews from global voices on how to live a meaningful, enjoyable life

The post Quotes About Feeling Alone to Remind Us We’re Each Steering Our Own Ship appeared first on A Merry Loner.

The real reason so many people feel alone in a relationship.

When I met my husband, he was still in a relationship — a red flag, yes, but one I understood too well. We were both running from the same thing. Not heartbreak, but the kind of loneliness no one talks about: the silent weight we carry into relationships.

Before you love someone else, know who you are alone

For years, I’d filled my time with stunts, adrenaline, and distractions. I jumped off of rooftops, took punches in fight scenes, and drove in high-speed car chases. Always chasing the next rush. He filled his with casual acquaintances and old habits. Neither of us knew how to sit still. 

And then, after a few casual hangouts and an almost-kiss, he told me he was seeing someone long-distance. He spoke with honesty, gentleness, and a hint of remorse. He hoped to stay friends, but the difference was that I had done the work before I met him; I could say no to a relationship and still feel whole in my own company. I wasn’t sure he was able to do the same. 

I encouraged him to focus on what he already had and that reaching out to me, though flattering, was not a good sign. He insisted, and I gave him the gift an ex-partner once gave me: space. “If you’re serious, you need to take time for yourself. Figure out who you are outside of a relationship. I’ll be here, if and when you’re ready.”

That pause changed everything. Something shifted. He stopped filling the quiet with other people’s needs and started listening to his own. He asked the hard questions: “What do I value in a teammate?” “Who am I when I’m not trying to be anyone else’s companion?” When he could answer that, he came back to me, not as a soul looking to be rescued, but as one ready to choose. And I chose him back.

But healing isn’t neat. Often, the ghosts of the past come knocking.

Something to linger on: How to Ask for Space from People You Love

The relationships we use to avoid ourselves

His exes saw the shift. They barely recognized the man who now moved with clarity and limits.  The man who no longer sought companionship just to avoid being alone. They fixated on that version of him (particularly his last ex, who seemed to believe his transformation was something she was entitled to). She sent messages that escalated with each holiday — Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s — as if our marriage was just a temporary obstacle. She acted like I was a placeholder for the reunion she’d written in her head. 

The truth was, she wasn’t trying to win him back. She was confronting her own hollow that she’d been avoiding, and she didn’t know how to sit with it.

Something to consider: How to Enjoy Your Own Company

Why so many of us are feeling alone in a relationship

A dear friend once told me, “Loneliness only comes from not knowing yourself and what your needs and wants are.” That stayed with me. Because often, what we think is heartbreak is really just the past bouncing off our present, our triggers dressing up as instincts. When we don’t take time to understand who we are, we confuse comfort with connection. We chase people who mirror our wounds instead of our growth. 

But when you do the work, when you sit with yourself long enough to know what you truly need, those old echoes stop bouncing. You don’t flinch when silence arrives. You welcome it. You know you’re good with who you are.

For a new perspective on alone time: Six Benefits of Solitude & Why Intentional Alone Time Is Getting Harder to Come By

What a good relationship isn’t: avoiding your own company

I know what it’s like to think love is the antidote to emptiness, to mistake passion for neediness or to agree to attachments that feel safe, not right. It takes years, sometimes decades, to realize we’ve built our lives around avoiding being our own company. There’s nothing more isolating than being with a person who’s using you as a buffer from their own reflection or someone who, like I once was, simply isn’t ready to settle down.

When I was chasing the flame (literally, doing high-octane stunts and doubling A-list actresses and models like Cara Delevingne), I sought approval and validation. But when I took space for myself, I got to understand the full shape of solitude.

By leaning into and fully appreciating my own solitude, I learned to recognize other people’s intentions and to walk away from those who didn’t inspire me to be myself. That’s why I encouraged my now-husband to take a pause and get to know himself before getting to know me. 

When we met, I refused to be a rebound or a rescue. I wanted to be chosen, with eyes wide open, by someone who had faced their own silence and survived it. Because when you’ve been truly alone and have made peace with it, love becomes something else entirely. It’s not a fix; i’s a partnership. 

Two can be better than one, but one isn’t a problem

When we finally got together, it wasn’t because he craved company or because I longed to be rescued. It was because we each knew who we were standing on our own and were curious about who we could become together. 

Yes, we got married quickly, in mere months. Some people thought we rushed. But we talked about goals, values, kids, finances, fears. We didn’t avoid the hard stuff. We dug into it (not every couple does that, even after a decade). Still, the ripples came. Even though he had released what once defined him, his past struggled to let go. These women weren’t villains. They were just stuck in the same pattern he had finally stepped out of. They saw his glow-up and mistook it for a doorway back in. For a while, that hurt. It made me question things: our pace, our bond, even myself. But what I realized is this: 

When a person grows, they don’t owe that growth to the people who knew them before. And they don’t have to apologize for evolving with a new partner. 

Don’t trade your solitude for just anyone

I don’t pretend we’re perfect, but we’re honest. And more than anything, we’re rooted in something rare: two people who sat in their own silence long enough to know they didn’t want to fill it with just anyone. It takes courage to risk losing a relationship to find yourself, to wait for the right person, not out of desperation, but out of respect.

In the end, love isn’t about who stays. It’s about why they stay. And we stay because we choose each other, clearly and consciously. Not to escape ourselves, but because we know who we are.

Next Steps:

Get up close and personal with yourself. Do you know who you really are? Explore these books on self-awareness to help you know you, before you get to know someone else.

Ponder your fate. Even if that means being alone for now. Learn how to find acceptance alone.

Learn to live with yourself first. Read why every woman should live alone at least once.

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The post Feeling Alone in a Relationship: It’s Not Always About the Other Person appeared first on A Merry Loner.

This is a tale of change. Of wanting, failing, getting, regretting, and growing. It’s a true story of searching for fulfillment in new places, only to realize that home and contentment were always within.

The view of the sea. There it is. It’s right there outside the window. If I lean a little to the left. 

I can see it from my bedroom window. If I drove, I could be there in 10 minutes. Toes in the sand. The wind all around me. Freezing cold but beautiful. Home.

From the room next to mine, I hear the sleepy infant lullaby as my newborn son sleeps soundly in his bed. Downstairs, my partner sits, legs crossed on the sofa watching an early evening comedy. Inoffensive and comforting, like a lot of UK sitcoms. The canned laughter provides a comforting background noise. 

The year is 2012. I am 30 years old. And I have everything I need.

Except I didn’t. Because we humans don’t work that way.

Even with this warm home, stability, and an albeit strained view of the sea, I still felt the overwhelming urge to seek change. 

Why? 

I didn’t want to overhaul life entirely—there were just a few pieces of the puzzle that weren’t aligned. 

Career, and my professional identity in general, have always been important to me. I needed a sense of progression and appreciation that, at the time, I just wasn’t getting. And it mattered to me. It really did.

Related Posts:

• Accepting Your Fate (Finding Acceptance Alone)
• I Don’t Like Traveling Alone—But I Keep Doing It Anyway
• No Date? No Problem—A Guide to Dating Yourself in 2025

Chasing Change: Making the Decision to Leave

Four years of working with the same employer had finally brought me to a job interview. I’d worked hard to position myself as the frontrunner and had been led to believe the job was as good as mine. 

In my mind, getting that promotion would be the final piece in the puzzle. At 30 years of age, I would have completed life and all its goals. 

Then came the phone call saying they were going with another candidate. 

I wasn’t prepared, and I took it hard. So hard, in fact, that I felt ready to give up on not just that employer but on the safe, warm house and life my partner and I had known for the last four years. 

Watching me go through the emotional rollercoaster, my partner felt my frustration, and she was unsettled in her own way. 

So we agreed: We were ready to leave the area altogether and start afresh.

A New Start, or Just a New Struggle? 

A new place, a new job, a new start.

I got myself a promotion with a new employer hoping it would be a step in the right direction. But in my frustration, I hadn’t factored in the trade-off it required.

My commute time doubled, and the time with my family halved. The colleagues and friends I’d worked with had vanished, replaced with strangers. The sea view was gone. No matter which way I leaned or squinted when I looked out the window.

On only the second day of my new job, I found myself stuck in a traffic jam—and that’s when it hit me. 

“What have I done?” I asked the empty car aloud. My throat tightened and I tried to hide my face from the other passengers in their static cars around me. I began to cry. 

I drove home to my family and told my partner what I was thinking. We sat down, talked, and cried some more. “Isn’t this all supposed to be sorted by now? I’m 30!” I thought.

It doesn’t work like that.

My partner asked me if I knew the song The Gambler by Kenny Rogers. She knew that the lyrics suited our situation perfectly. Honestly, I didn’t know the song until she sang the chorus:

“You gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, and know when to run.”

Right then and there, we knew this new situation wasn’t right for us. 

It was time to fold. Time to walk away. 

The fresh start had been a false start—it was time to move again.

Loneliness in the Crowd: Feeling Isolated in a City Full of People

We decided to move from South Wales, my place of birth and spiritual home, to Nottingham, in the UK’s East Midlands. It’s not as if we’d moved continents or even countries (if you don’t count the difference between Wales and England), but it was enough to create that feeling of physical and emotional distance from the life we were leaving behind. 

It was a new place and a new start.

Here I go again: another new job; another new team; another new place to try and settle down. 

But this was harder than any other move before. The sense of individual isolation and loneliness hit almost instantly. 

I’d moved to the biggest place with the biggest population I’d personally ever lived in—and yet I felt totally alone. 

When “Home” Feels Like Nowhere: Dealing with Loneliness in My 30s

At 31 years old, I’d pictured myself being further along in my career, having a full social life, and excelling at new hobbies. I’d built up this narrative in my mind that this was my “prime” and that I was wasting it by moving to a new place “at the worst possible time.” In those moments, I saw it as a waste of my best years, squandered in isolation. 

I tried to listen to sayings like: “Home is where the heart is”; “Home is a feeling, not a place”; “Home is the people around you.”

But when you feel utterly alone, those sayings really don’t carry much weight. They’re perfect for embroidering on a cushion—but do nothing to help the feeling of a rock in your stomach.

I made new friends, sure. But some moved away to pursue their own directions in life. Some drifted, as people occasionally and inevitably do. Some offered friendship and then disappeared. It was embarrassing and stung at the time, but I was even stood up by some new “friends.”

All lessons in resilience. Gifts for personal growth.

The Moment Everything Changed—and I Stopped Resisting Solitude 

Things were getting harder. 

The novelty of moving to a new city had worn off, and I felt like I’d tried everything to adjust, adapt, and settle. Nothing had worked and a feeling of hopelessness began to set in.

But then one day came the biggest lesson from the smallest moment. 

Out of habit, I finished work as quickly as I could to return home to make plans. I walked through the door, took off my shoes and jacket—and then found myself just standing still in the hallway. Staring at the empty house around me. The plain white walls staring back.

I realized I actually had nothing to do, no one to see, and nothing to look forward to. 

I have no idea how long I stood there, but it was long enough to realize I’d become lost in that space. Physically and mentally. 

Long enough for that moment to become imprinted in my memory forever. An awareness growing in and around me.

I realized that nothing would change unless I decided to become active with my choices. So, the first choice I made was to accept my loneliness. 

The Art of Being Alone: Rediscovering Myself Through Solitude

By accepting where I was and the situation I was in, I began to make positive changes. 

I hadn’t realized before how much I’d sought the company and approval of others to give value to my days. Even though I’d always been happy in my own company as a child, I’d forgotten this through my teenage years when I started going out and expanding my circle of friends (a very normal thing for most teenagers to do). But this new period of loneliness in Nottingham brought me back to that quiet, self-assured place. 

I hadn’t realized before how much I’d sought the company and approval of others to give value to my days.

I rediscovered playfulness and curiosity. I began to read again. I began what would become a lifelong relationship with meditation. I became more patient, calm, and self-aware.

Aspects of myself that normally became closed off when I sought the company of others began to bloom.

I didn’t become a recluse, but I gravitated towards social activities that had an element of solo-ness. Martial arts has a great community, but when all’s said and done, it’s just me with me. Rock climbing, too. The climbing community is a wonderful place to be, and it’s where I’ve made my new and very dear circle of friends—but it’s also an activity that suits going alone when the time feels right. 

I felt the effects of my new perspective on solitude at home, too. I’ve always been family-oriented, but this new phase nurtured an even greater warmth and closeness with my wife and son. Not quite “us against the world,” but not far off.

Finding Home Within

I’ve been in Nottingham for 10 years now. The journey has been life-changing—or should I say, me-changing.

Living in a busy city felt lonely, so I looked for people. That search actually led me inward, and that’s what changed things for the better, outside too. I learned who I really was.

As I write today, Nottingham feels more like a home. A place where I’ve found a life of balance. I’m more outgoing and brave than I’ve ever been—and equally more content in my own company than ever before.

All my thoughts about wasting my life in its prime—absolute nonsense. 

Your prime is when you say it is. Your prime is today, and it’s tomorrow. Your prime is when you feel most alive.

The philosopher Soren Kierkegaard once said, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”

So be it.

My new home is hours from the coastline in any direction. There’s no sea view from the bedroom window anymore. But the view inwards is the best it’s ever been.

Recommended Reading:

• How to Get Over Yourself and Go to that Damn Wedding, Gloriously Solo
• 5 New Things I Want to Do Alone This Year
• How to Balance Solitude and a Social Life: A Dual Guide for Introverts & Extroverts
• Did This French Writer Just Reveal the Secret to Happiness?
• In Defense of Laughing Alone

Gavin Williams is a freelance health & wellness writer with a 20-year background as a specialist physiotherapist. He’s passionate about functional health & personal growth. Gavin’s happiest when he’s rock climbing, reading a book, or spending time with his family. You can find out more about Gavin on his website, In the Moment Copywriting.

The post Moving to a New City in Your 30s—Feeling Lonely in Your “Prime” appeared first on A Merry Loner.

At age 25, Heather Lucas has already had the chance to call four different countries home. I met her in 2021 in France, when we both moved to Toulouse to do a month-long, intensive TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) program. 

But that wasn’t Heather’s first time living in the south of France. She’d already spent three summers working as an au pair for a French family in Provence, making the bold decision to take a break from her studies when she found herself lonely and unsatisfied at university in London. 

Now living in Leiden in the Netherlands, Heather reflects with A Merry Loner about following her gut, embracing independence, and the incredible power of spending time alone.

Sign up here to get all future Loner Q&As delivered straight to your inbox.

AML: Both times you came to France—for the TEFL program and to be an au pair for the first time—what was the reaction of the people around you when you made those decisions?

HL: Actually, the first time I au pair-ed was during a gap year that I had ended up taking between the first and second year of university. My first year of university, I went to Royal Holloway in London, and I studied European studies and French. And I thought that this was exactly what I wanted to do. But I was also quite young. I was 17, and I was moving to the other side of the country, away from my family and friends. That first year, I actually really struggled and didn’t find a lot of enjoyment in the course. I didn’t kind of get the fun of the proximity to London because, for the first semester, I was underage and a lot of friends were going out drinking. 

After a lot of decisions back and forth, and me privately going to see one of the counselors at the university and visiting their wellbeing center, I found out that I could transfer to another university. I was like: Oh, my gosh. I had no idea this was a thing. Yes, this is absolutely what I want to do. 

I had made all of those decisions and gone through that whole process on my own. I didn’t talk to anybody about it. I don’t know if I just felt like I was supposed to enjoy university, and then I didn’t, and I was like: Oh, no. What’s happening? I actually hadn’t really told anybody until it came to the final point of, okay, I’m transferring to Aberdeen in Scotland. But I made the decision a month after the deadline. That’s why I ended up taking a year-long break away from university. But it was the right decision, and I’m happy with the decision because that was what led to me au pairing. 

I would say that the au pairing had quite a strong reaction from my parents because they were like: What do you mean? You’re going to go live in France and look after somebody’s children for four months? And I was 19. I was old enough to make that decision but still young enough in their eyes. 

Some close friends were like, oh, my gosh—yes. This makes total sense with the French. So I think friends could kind of see the vision. But this was also one of the first times that any of us were spending time away from each other for such a long period of time. Although we’d been away for university in different places, I think maybe people’s first reaction was like: Oh, no. I’m not going to see you for four months.

AML: At both points, when you were in university in London and then when you moved to France to be an au pair, how did you feel about being alone in new situations for the first time?

HL: I think they both felt so different. Being at university in London, I did feel alone. I felt very much on my own. I’d made some friends who I’m still really close friends with now, but it was not so much of a friendship group; it was more of individual friends. This was different to high school, for me. That made me feel a lot more like I was on my own. And I think just the reality of university not being only this academic and education program but teaching you how to live on your own and sort of fend for yourself. It was balancing the academics and the social aspect of university—just trying to do it all on my own. That did feel quite lonely. 

But then arriving in France, I was just happy. I was like: This is exactly what I want to be doing. I was excited. You know when you know you’ve made the right decision? That was really what it felt like. It was just comfortable. When I arrived, the family met me at the airport, and then it was about an hour’s car journey back to their house. We were chatting away in the car, and I was like: Oh my gosh. I’m doing this. I’m speaking in French for a solid hour. And we found out that we had so much in common with each other, like our birthdays are the three consecutive days in the same month. This detail really stuck with me—it was almost like in that moment I knew I was doing the right thing.

I suppose because I was jumping in to be part of a family dynamic, that helped me not feel so alone. I had time on my own, which is something I do very much need for myself. But being part of their family unit, at that point in time, was something that I think I really needed—and not necessarily my own family unit. It was different, but it was good. 

AML: After that, when you went back to Scotland to finish university, how did that transition feel? 

HL: I went back to Scotland after having au paired, and I felt so much more confident. I would say confidence was really the thing that I’d been lacking in that first year in London. Going into the next three years in Aberdeen, I was confident in my abilities with French, and I was just also confident that I could socialize; I knew how to make friends which, again, is something that you don’t really think about going into university. But if you’ve just spent almost a decade at the same school, then that’s not something that you’re having to do over and over again because you have the same friends because you’ve grown up together.

I think I just felt like maybe it was a bit daunting because I knew I wanted to be serious about the studies and I wanted to do well. It was all internal academic pressure, but I’d kind of set that standard. The whole lifestyle stuff and being social and looking after myself—I knew that I could do that, by this point. I think confidence in my abilities really helped in that moment. And I was only a two-and-a-half hour drive or train ride away from my family, so if something happened, I literally could just jump on a train and go home, which at that age was still really helpful. It was just a safety net that was there in case I needed it.

AML: Your next step was going to do your master’s in the Netherlands, where you are now. You’re obviously older, but how else did it feel different when you came here?

HL: It felt good. I wasn’t really considering the fact that I was doing this on my own because I was doing this for me. This course was the best maritime history course that I’d found. I was deciding between this and a different university in England, and I was thinking: Okay, what’s the best decision? What’s the best place for me to go, not only academically, but in terms of what I want lifestyle-wise? And I’d realized that if I’d gone to this other university in England, I would have pretty much had the same lifestyle, the same routine. I would have shopped at the same supermarkets. I wouldn’t have changed too much personally. Not only does Leiden have the best course, but it also was the best opportunity for me to grow and for me to do something different. 

I thought, if I’m going to do this, now is the best time. I’m young. I’m not worried about settling down. I’m not worried about where I’m going to live. And I was just grateful that I was able to do it and that things had worked out that had got me here. It’s been my best experience of university life ever. 

In terms of not feeling too alone—although I was going into this and doing it by myself without friends or family nearby, at this age now, I’ve got past the need to have people nearby. It doesn’t affect my friendships, even as more of my friends move away from our old hometown. We’re all quite good at keeping in touch, and I’m used to balancing that and seeing people when we can. 

AML: And you have to live your life.

HL: Yeah. But also, going to live in the Netherlands, I knew that the flat I was moving into was a shared flat with three other international female students, so we were all going to be in the same circumstances and going through the same stuff. That was actually quite nice. I was excited because I knew there’d be people around me that were doing the same thing, even though none of us were on the same course. We actually ended up getting on really well, and we had a lovely year. It really became a little home, and we got each other through so many deadlines and late nights and the usual uni stuff. That certainly helped me with not feeling like I was doing it on my own. We were doing it independently rather than doing it alone.

AML: You said it’s important for you to have time alone—that you really need it. Why? And what do you like to do when you’re by yourself?

HL: It’s just kind of recharging batteries, personally. I don’t know about the whole introvert, extrovert thing. I would say I’m extremely social when I’m with my close friends. But I also know that in a group of people, I maybe wouldn’t be the first to jump up and say something. Maybe there is a part of me that’s introverted, and that’s why I do relish time on my own just to relax. 

Especially over the last year and also back when I was in France—I’ve been maybe not doing a lot of things physically, but I’ve been using my brain to learn how to speak French fluently and then doing this master’s and using my brain every day to write so many essays. I just found it exhausting, so time on my own would really just be me in my comfy clothes, probably with a cup of tea and likely scrolling on my phone. I try not to, but TikTok is there. I have been addicted since probably the pandemic. Everybody was inside, and we had to connect, and actually, it gave me so much community. Even though it was people all over the world, it was people that you could relate to. It was just light-hearted and helped me take a break from everything—and I still use it for that today. It just takes my brain off everything else. I found that I’ve finally started reading for fun again because when I was studying, starting a book and getting involved with a world of characters was too much. Sometimes I would call friends and family or watch Netflix, but I wouldn’t too often. I needed time on my own to give my brain a break from everything. 

AML: What would be your advice for people who are hesitant to go out and do things by themselves?

HL: It’s so difficult to think of anything other than, just do it. Take that leap. And I think you have to trust yourself. You have to trust that, if you’ve thought about doing this, it’s because it’s something that interests you or is the right path or place for you. So just follow it. Just follow that instinct, and see how much you can grow from it. 

I know that each experience I’ve done, time and time again, makes me come out feeling like such a different person and just knowing I’ve grown up as I’ve done it. That’s what it’s given me. It’s also given me a whole new social circle, and it’s given me new life experiences and new language skills and things that are so invaluable, really. Each time I do something new, it proves to me that I can do it and that I enjoy doing it. 

I don’t ever feel like I’m doing this because I have to; I’m doing this because I want to. When I made the decision to leave that first university, I made the decision by myself and told my friends and family afterwards. Although they were surprised, ultimately after time passed and everything, they saw that was the best decision for me and that I made things better because of it.

AML: I agree. I always say that you need to spend time alone to meet other people because otherwise you’re always in your safety bubble. I feel like you actually meet fewer people if you don’t give yourself the chance to spend time alone.

HL: Definitely. It’s being alone or being on your own that compels you to do more. Sometimes I feel stuck—stuck in a place or stuck in circumstances. But it’s something that forces me to look at new options and go: Okay, where do I want to go? What do I want to do? How do I want to change this feeling of being stuck? And that comes from spending time alone.

Ultimately, being alone is a driving force behind a lot of decisions that will broaden your experiences. 

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

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