Food Editor Ally Mitchell on the Power of Taking Risks Alone

Ally Mitchell has lived in Toulouse, France for over 3 years, transplanting her life to the southwestern Pink City to move in with her French partner, Gaylord. Today, she’s a food culture and history tour guide for Taste of Toulouse, a freelance editor, and the owner of Nigella Eats Everything, where she writes about food and France. 

Ally’s passion for food (and travel) goes back almost a decade. In 2016, she studied at Leiths School of Food and Wine in London in her native UK and then moved to the other side of the world to work as a chef in New Zealand in 2019. 

Since her teenage years, Ally has always been driven by an independent streak and a calm confidence that she doesn’t need other people to realize her goals. With A Merry Loner, she reflects on following her Loner intuition and the power of taking risks alone.

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AML: You moved to France to live with your partner, Gaylord. Even when you’re with a loved one, it can feel isolating to live in a new country. Can you share your experience?

AM: Well, it’s had its ups and downs, of course. I was talking about this with a friend last night. When you move to a place for a man, there’s this kind of feeling that you have in yourself—but also that a lot of people tell you—that they need to be “punished” in some way because you’ve done something [for them]. It’s kind of like there needs to be this even-ing out because you’ve done them this big favor; you’ve changed your life for them, so they need to do something to pay you back. 

When I joined a Facebook meet-up group, we were going around the table, and I realized the majority of them were women who had moved to be with their male partners. This girl I sat next to mentioned: “You never see men moving to another country for a woman.” I was there, like, yeah—definitely noticing this. And Gaylord’s “punishment” (if that’s the right word) for me moving here was to help me with my admin for everything. I’m like: “I don’t know French. You’re fluent in English. We could have moved to the UK, but we’re here. So you’ve got to do all of this for me.” And he still does.

But I think it took a while to sort of feel more like I had roots in Toulouse because for the longest time, I felt like the only reason I was here was because of him. It wasn’t until I started working as a food tour guide with Taste of Toulouse that I actually thought: I have every reason to be in Toulouse. Toulouse is now my home. I feel very comfortable here. I now know its history because of the tours, and also, I now know so many people in the market who are French—people who are delighted to see me whenever I pop by. 

And that has given me so much more confidence here. The day I took Gaylord into the market and went to get loads of charcuterie and stuff. He was just there, amazed by how many people knew me. It was such a weird feeling because it’s his country. But I know the city better than him. 

AML: Before you started working as a tour guide, did you ever feel a bit lonely or isolated? Obviously, you have your partner. But we also need people other than our partners to make us not feel lonely.

AM: Totally. That feeling of loneliness for friendship is very common. When you’re in a relationship, you’ve got your favorite person with you all the time, but [sometimes] they’re not fulfilling that role that you want them to fulfill in that moment. You’re craving friendship. That can be a really lonely feeling. And I get that every now and then. I’ve had it a lot since moving to France, especially if I think about my friends back home in London. I can count on one hand how many I’m still friends with—and I was living in the UK for 27 years! I just don’t know what’s happened to them all. They’ve all dropped off or something. And that makes me feel very lonely and sad because that means my core friends are here in Toulouse, which is lovely—but then also, what do I mean by a core friend? Sometimes I don’t know how much I commit to friendships because I know I’ve got Gaylord at home. Whereas, if I was single, I know that my friendships would be everything. 

So maybe that should be my new resolution: to invest more time in my friendships because they are SO important. But sometimes when you’ve got a really low social battery (which I have quite a lot), it’s so easy to just be at home with the person [you] don’t even need to try with. 

AML: It’s an interesting balance. On the one hand, if you have a low social battery, then you rely on alone time to recharge. But if you spend too much time alone, then you feel kind of isolated. What do you do in those moments? 

AM: When I’m feeling lonely and it’s a loneliness I don’t like… I’m actually not sure. I would probably try and reach out to someone. I would probably text; texting can be enough sometimes. Whether it’s just like a little communication or making plans for the foreseeable future—it doesn’t have to be that day. At least knowing I have something in my diary makes me feel reassured. 

AML: What about even before that—when you had just moved to France and hadn’t developed a network of people you could reach out to?

AM: When I first moved, there was an awful lot going on, so you’re not really aware that you’re lonely because you’ve got so much else to do. I was trying to learn the language, trying to get work, trying to start my blog. There was so much going on. And then eventually I realized that I need friends because I can’t just be on my own as often as I am. So I went onto all these different groups, like Facebook. 

There’s where I met a lot of British people who emigrated over to France. They were all very welcoming, but they kept saying how awful England was and how happy they were to be in France. I was like, well, I’m not going to gain anything from this. This is not an interesting conversation for me, so I never bothered going back. But I think it’s important to take those risks—to keep putting yourself out there. That’s why I tried an art class next—and that’s where I met a really good friend I’ve known for years now. 

AML: Exactly! I have this idea that you have to be a bit of a Loner to make more friends because you have to be comfortable going out and doing things alone and putting yourself in scenarios where you’re going to meet new people. If you’re too hesitant to do activities because you don’t want to do them by yourself, you’re limiting your pool of potential friends.

AM: Of course, you kind of have to be an extroverted introvert. You have to be very comfortable in your own skin—being on your own.