How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone

When the presence (or absence) of others becomes the deciding factor for how you live your life, your life isn’t your own anymore.

I have always valued my independence. Being an unabashed loner means I can do what I want, when I want, without waiting for other people to approve, text me back to make plans, or otherwise give me the green light.

But not everyone has a natural inclination to do things alone, and that’s normal. I’ve had friends flat-out tell me they would never even think of going out to dinner by themselves. Others have called me up to join them at the grocery store because they didn’t want to run errands alone. There’s nothing wrong with enjoy the company of others’; spending time with friends is fun, healthy, and a key part of what makes us human. It becomes problematic, however, when you feel you can’t do something by yourself; when you’re dependent on the presence or approval of others to do the things you want and you’re afraid to act without them. For example, what if there’s a new restaurant you want to try, a film you want to see, or a weekend trip you want to take? But no one’s free, so the plan gets put on hold indefinitely as it’s simply inconceivable to think you’d do it alone.

If that’s the case, then it might be time to work on your loner mindset.

The loner mindset isn’t about shunning others or being anti-social. It’s not even about being an introvert. It’s about self-confidence, self-esteem, and feeling happy, calm, and at ease on your own. Learning to achieve this is really the best gift you can give yourself. Because if you can be happy on your own, then you can do anything.

In this post, I share five simple ways to get better at doing things alone so you can do things on your own without feeling self-conscious, lonely, or like everyone is staring at you.

The shortlist: 5 simple ways to get better at doing things alone

1. Understand what’s really making you nervous
2. Start small with low-stress activities
3. Imagine the worst-case scenario (so you can prepare for it)
4. Remind yourself: no one is actually looking at you
5. Try again—even if you didn’t like it the first time

1. Understand what’s really making you nervous

Being a human is a complicated mess, and a large part of that mess comes from social interactions. Even the most extroverted social butterflies can still get nervous in a room full of strangers. In fact, research from PLoS ONE posits that social anxiety disorder (which is “one of the most common psychiatric disorders characterized by a persistent and over-whelming fear of being negatively evaluated in one or more social or interactional situations”) can happen to lots of different people.

To get better at doing things alone, the trick isn’t to totally eradicate feelings of nerves or anxiety. (They’re kind of part of the package deal of being a human creature.) But you can learn to deal with the feelings, and that’s easier to do when you know exactly what’s making you nervous. Though nerves and anxiety can often feel like one big, foreboding cloud, there is a source. Finding it is the first step to overcoming it.

For example, suppose you want to take yourself out to dinner at that new Japanese restaurant. What are you anxious about? Do you think sitting at a table alone will make it look like you got stood up? Are you worried about what you would do if you didn’t sit on your phone the whole time? (Like stare into blank space like a weirdo while couples and friends canoodle around you?) Are you dreading telling the host “just one” and watching them smile kindly at you with what you can only assume is pity?

If you can specify the thing(s) that are making you nervous, then you can: 1) try to rationalize it away; and/or 2) come up with a strategy to tackle it.

Let’s take that dinner for example. If you want to go out by yourself and not doom-scroll the entire time (you’re already winning), be prepared to fight the urge to fidget by bringing along a book. Not that much into reading? Go analog and old-school with a stack of magazines. (You can buy those at the drugstore, by the way, for my readers who may have never touched a glossy stack in their Gen Z lives.)

Need a book for your solo dinner? See my curated reading lists, classic and contemporary book recommendations, and themed round-ups to accompany you on your solo night out.

Key Takeaway: To learn how to overcome the fear of doing things alone, first you need to understand that fear. Take time to really think about what’s making you uncomfortable. Once you can name it, you can plan for it, challenge it, or let it go.

2. Start small with low-stress activities

Sometimes, baby steps can make all the difference. In August 2024, I flew from Paris to Warsaw to see The Eras Tour all by myself. I’ve been told this is living The Merry Loner Lifestyle on expert level. If you’re not there yet (and you don’t plan to ever be there), that’s okay. Just start small.

If you’re getting ready to learn how to start doing things alone, go slow and easy with low-stress, everyday activities. Here are few ideas of beginner-friendly activities to start doing things alone:

• Sit in a coffee shop for a few hours, but don’t use your phone. Instead, read a book. Bring a pack of cards and play solitaire. Knit. Draw. Hell, you could even just sit and sip and people-watch. The point is: Don’t do anything that takes you away from yourself or the present moment, i.e., scrolling on social media.

• Go on a long walk. Again, no distractions. No listening to podcasts. No phonin