Are you afraid of being alone? There’s no need to fear. In fact, I think it’s time to change what it means to be a “loner.”

When was the last time you took yourself out to dinner? Or went on a weekend getaway by yourself? Or just went to the movies alone? (OK, I know nobody goes to the movies anymore … )

If so (or if not), would you consider yourself a loner? And is that a good thing?

Being a loner gets a bad rap.

Quite unfairly, in my opinion.

When you Google the word “loner,” the first thing that comes up is the Oxford English Dictionary, which says a loner is “a person who avoids company and prefers to be alone.”

Next, WebMD says pretty much the same thing: “Being a loner means that you would prefer to be by yourself rather than with others.”

At least Wikipedia (my love) gives the term “loner” a bit more nuance: “a person who does not seek out, actively avoids, or fails to maintain interaction with other people.”

All in all, the Internet seems to agree that being a loner is a bad thing—that it means you’re some kind of anti-social freak who hates being around people.

I strongly disagree.

Frankly, I’m really sick of everyone thinking being alone is just about the worst possible thing that could happen to you.

Think about it:

• Being a loner.
• Being lonely.
• Being on your own.

They don’t have good connotations, do they?

Don’t get me wrong: I’m in no way an advocate for social isolation.

For one, I like people.

I love a good party. I love spending time doing nothing with my friends. And to be honest, I know that I’m usually a little verbose.

Plus, it’s clear that spending too much time alone is bad for us—even bad for our health.

This 2013 study “revealed that social isolation predicted mortality for both genders, as did smoking and high blood pressure,” concluding that “the strength of social isolation as a predictor of mortality is similar to that of well-documented clinical risk factors.” [Source: PubMed Central]

The dangers of social isolation are such a problem that “in 2018, the U.K. appointed a minister for loneliness and Loneliness Awareness Week was introduced to encourage people to ‘fill their lives with new friends and experiences.’” [Source: University of California San Francisco]

ICYMI: Both of these studies were conducted BEFORE the COVID-19 pandemic, when the world started paying a lot of attention to the risks of isolation and loneliness. Since then, things have obviously gotten a lot worse:

• A 2021 survey of 2,496 U.S. adults determined that more than half (58%) of U.S. adults are considered lonely. [Source: The Cigna Group]
• Even the Surgeon General is sounding the alarm, releasing a report in May 2023 to “[call] attention to the public health crisis of loneliness, isolation, and lack of connection in our country [the U.S.]” [Source: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services]

So, yeah. Social isolation is definitely a bad thing.

But you know what’s also a problem? Being too afraid to ever do anything by yourself.

You know what I mean:

• That friend who’s never been single for more than 2 months since they were in high school
• That family member who won’t get on a plane by themselves
• That co-worker who won’t take a break and eat lunch in the company kitchen by themselves

Of course, to each his own. I’m not trying to single anyone out or judge them.

But IMHO, having some “loner” tendencies is the key to finding happiness.

That’s why I think we should all learn to be loners.

I’ve always been a bit of a loner. (And no, it’s not because I’m an anti-social freak who hates being around people. Thanks for asking, though.)

Instead, there are two main reasons why I’m a loner:

1. I genuinely enjoy doing things on my own.
2. I don’t feel uncomfortable being by myself.

Let me explain.

Back in the day, when I lived in an apartment in Providence, Rhode Island with three roommates, one of my favorite parts of the week was taking myself to the local pub around the corner with a couple of books and perhaps my journal where I would sit, read, daydream, and ponder the night away with just me, a couple of pints, and a cheeseburger.

(That and Sunday morning, when I did more or less the same thing but diner-style with a newspaper and/or The Economist, a veggie omelet, and some burnt coffee.)

To me, this solo time was the height of luxury. But it seemed that everyone around me thought it was strange …

It was always the same story. Every time that I:

• walked into a restaurant and asked for a table for one,
• traveled for the weekend by myself,
• showed up at a party without a date or a friend,

… there would be a prolonged silence, and then:

• “Good for you.”
• “Wow, that’s so brave.”
• “I could never do that.”

Huh?

I just didn’t get it. What is so scary about being alone? What is so horrifying about the very thought of doing something by yourself? And (even more outrageous) being comfortable and at ease while doing it?

Maybe this is how you feel.

Maybe you’re afraid of being seen as a loner because that also means being a misfit, an outcast, and an anti-social weirdo. (And that’s certainly the case if you listen to what the Oxford English Dictionary and WebMD have to say.)

But I think there’s another way.

This is my mission: to change the idea of what it means to be a loner—from misfit outcast to calm, contented, confident individual.

I call it being A Merry Loner.

Because once you learn how to be merry on your own, then you can do anything.

Why Are We So Afraid of Being Alone? References

PubMed Central Social Isolation: A Predictor of Mortality Comparable to Traditional Clinical Risk Factors

University of California San Francisco Bad Company: Is Too Much Alone Time Making You Sick?

The Cigna Group The Loneliness Epidemic Persists: A Post-Pandemic Look at the State of Loneliness among U.S. Adults

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services New Surgeon General Advisory Raises Alarm about the Devastating Impact of the Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation in the United States