When the presence (or absence) of others becomes the deciding factor for how you live your life, your life isn’t your own anymore.
I have always really valued my independence. Being an unabashed loner means I can do what I want, when I want, without waiting for other people to approve, text me back to make plans, or otherwise give me the green light.
But not everyone has a natural inclination to do things alone—and that’s normal. I’ve had friends flat-out tell me they would never even think of going out to dinner by themselves. Others have called me up to join them at the grocery store because they didn’t want to run errands alone.
Is there anything wrong with that? Nope. Spending time with friends is fun, healthy, and a key part of what makes us human.
IMHO, it’s only problematic when you feel like you CAN’T do something by yourself; when you’re dependent on the presence or approval of others to do the things you want—and you can’t act without them. For example, what if there’s a new restaurant you want to try, a film you want to see, or a weekend trip you want to take? But no one’s free, so the plan gets put on hold indefinitely as it’s simply inconceivable to think you’d do it alone.
If that’s the case, then it might be time to work on your loner mindset.
ICYMI, the loner mindset isn’t about shunning others or being anti-social. It’s not even about being an introvert. It’s about self-confidence, self-esteem, and feeling happy, calm, and at ease on your own. Learning to achieve this is really the best gift you can give yourself. Because if you can be happy on your own, then you can do anything.
In this post, I share 5 simple ways to get better at doing things alone so you can do things on your own without feeling self-conscious, lonely, or like everyone is staring at you.
The shortlist: 5 simple ways to get better at doing things alone
- Understand what’s really making you nervous
- Start small with low-stress activities
- Imagine the worst-case scenario (so you can prepare for it)
- Remind yourself: no one is actually looking at you
- Try again—even if you didn’t like it the first time
1. Understand what's really making you nervous
Being a human is a complicated mess, and a large part of that mess comes from social interactions.
Even the most extroverted social butterflies can still get nervous in a room full of strangers.
In fact, research from PLoS ONE posits that social anxiety disorder (which is “one of the most common psychiatric disorders characterized by a persistent and over-whelming fear of being negatively evaluated in one or more social or interactional situations”) can happen to lots of different people.
To get better at doing things alone, the trick isn’t to totally eradicate feelings of nerves or anxiety. (They’re kind of part of the package deal of being a human creature.) But you can learn to deal with the feelings—and that’s easier to do when you know exactly what’s making you nervous.
Often, nerves and anxiety can be one big, foreboding cloud. But what is its source? Where is it coming from?
For example, suppose you want to take yourself out to dinner at that new Japanese restaurant. What are you anxious about?
- Do you think sitting at a table alone will make it look like you got stood up?
- Are you worried about what you would do if you didn’t sit on your phone the whole time? (Like stare into blank space like a weirdo while couples and friends canoodle around you?)
- Are you dreading telling the host “just one” and watching them smile kindly at you with what you can only assume is pity?
If you can specify the thing(s) that’s actually making you nervous, then you can: 1) try to rationalize it away; and/or 2) come up with a strategy to tackle it.
Let’s take that dinner for example. If you want to go out by yourself and not doom-scroll the entire time (you’re already winning), be prepared to fight the urge to fidget by bringing along a book. Not that much into reading? Go analog and old-school with a stack of magazines. (You can buy those at the drugstore, by the way, for my readers who may have never touched a glossy stack in their Gen Z lives.)
Need a book for your solo dinner? See my curated reading lists, classic and contemporary book recommendations, and themed round-ups to accompany you on your solo night out.
Key Takeaway: To learn how to overcome the fear of doing things alone, first you need to understand that fear. Take time to really think about what’s making you uncomfortable. Once you can name it, you can plan for it, challenge it, or let it go.
2. Start small with low-stress activities
Sometimes, baby steps can make all the difference.
In August 2024, I flew from Paris to Warsaw to see The Eras Tour all by myself. I’ve been told this is living The Merry Loner Lifestyle on expert level. If you’re not there yet (and you don’t plan to ever be there), that’s okay. Just start small.
If you’re getting ready to learn how to start doing things alone, go slow and easy with low-stress, everyday activities.
Here are few ideas of beginner-friendly activities to start doing things alone:
- Sit in a coffee shop for a few hours—but don’t use your phone. Instead, read a book. Bring a pack of cards and play solitaire. Knit. Draw. Hell, you could even just sit and sip and people-watch. The point is: Don’t do anything that takes you away from yourself or the present moment, i.e., scrolling on social media.
- Go on a long walk. Again, no distractions. No listening to podcasts. No phoning a friend. Music is okay, but it’s even better if you can just really let yourself be alone with your thoughts for a bit to daydream.
- Take yourself to a matinee movie. Remember those? ICYMI, movie theaters have gotten a facelift since the pandemic. The snacks have improved. The seats are more comfortable. There’s even booze. Alone at the movies, you don’t need to share snacks or agree on a time. Plus, no one’s paying attention to the empty seat beside you; they’re focused on the screen, just like you.
By starting with a gentle, low-stress activity, you’ll get to try out how it feels doing things alone in a low-pressure environment.
Try This: If hitting up coffee shops on your own is already the norm for you, let’s step outside of the box a little bit. For more inspiration on activities to help you learn how to get better at doing things alone, check out 5 New Things I Want to Do Alone This Year.
3. Imagine the worst-case scenario (so you can prepare for it)
Sometimes, a little doomsday thinking can actually help you look on the bright side.
Say you want to sign up for a cooking class, but none of your friends are into it and you’re worried about looking awkward when everyone else pairs up. Lean into that anxiety.
What IF no one talks to you? What IF you’re the worst in the class and everyone notices? What IF you feel like the odd one out the whole time?
What if? Are any of these outcomes really that bad? So no one talks to you—chances are, they’re nervous too. A small smile and an introduction from your part could be just the thing to put you (and them) at ease—and maybe even make a new friend.
(Plus, so what if you’re bad at cooking? Isn’t that the point of taking a cooking class?)
The "worst case" is never as bad as you think
Once you take the time to imagine your worst-case scenario and truly picture it happening, you can often poke holes in it and realize that even if it did happen, you’d still be okay—and maybe even proud of yourself for trying.
It’s called decatastrophizing, a technique “that explores the reality of a feared stimulus as a way of diminishing its imagined or anticipated danger,” as defined by the American Psychological Association—and you can use it for help the next time you’re in an anxiety spiral worrying about how to do things alone without feeling self-conscious.
Key Takeaway: Even if something embarrassing happens, it’s not really the end of the world. By imagining your fear in detail, you can give yourself a little reality check and realize that feeling awkward and embarrassed is a totally surmountable problem.
Curious how else a little doomsday thinking can (strangely) help you be more optimistic? Read “Life Is Sad, and Then You Die” for a surprising revelation that can help you find peace.
4. Remind yourself: no one is actually looking at you
If going to a concert by yourself or taking yourself out to that new French restaurant seems a little daunting, you’re not being weird. This is actually a totally normal reaction. It’s called the spotlight effect.
As defined in a study by T Gilovich et al. for the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, the spotlight effect describes the phenomenon where “people overestimate the extent to which their actions and appearance are noted by others.”
In other words, you think people are paying attention to you a lot more than they actually are.
As part of the study, some participants were asked to walk around wearing a tee shirt with either a flattering or embarrassing picture; most people overestimated the number of observers who remembered what they were wearing, i.e., nobody cares that much about what you’re doing.
People aren't looking at you; they're looking at themselves
Unwittingly, I was referencing this phenomenon when I was giving advice to fellow students back in high school.
If a friend was feeling nervous before giving a presentation in front of the class (again, a totally normal feeling), I would say to them: “There’s no need to be nervous. Were you paying attention to anybody else’s presentation on the potato famine? No, you were bored and daydreaming. No one is going to be listening attentively to your presentation.”
In hindsight, that probably came off as a little cold, but my intention was pure: Don’t sweat it. People aren’t paying as much attention to you as you think.
What are they paying attention to? Themselves, probably.
It’s a brain thing, apparently. A paper by Meghan L Meyer et al. published in the Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience observed that “the same part of the brain that supports self-reflection…also spontaneously engages by default whenever the brain is free from external demands to attention.”
AKA, when we have a free minute, we default to thinking about ourselves. Yet another reason to remind yourself that when you’re out in public doing something alone (whether that’s dining solo in a restaurant or going to a concert), nobody is paying attention to you. So feel free to do what you want, anxiety-free.
Key Takeaway and Tip: When you’re eating dinner out alone, going solo to the movies, or taking yourself out on another solo date and you start to feel self-conscious, remind yourself that people are not hyper-focusing on you like you worry they are. You’re just yet another person experiencing the spotlight effect (and everyone else is doing it, too).
5. Try again—even if you didn't like it the first time
You know what they say: “If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.”
Turns out, there’s a bit of psychological truth to that. Per the Cleveland Clinic, exposure therapy is “a type of therapy in which you’re gradually exposed to the things, situations, and activities you fear.”
I’m not saying that people need to go to therapy to learn how to get better at doing things alone. But the idea behind this technique is that by gradually facing your fears in approachable, manageable steps, you can little by little reduce anxiety, build your confidence, and make the intimidating thing less intimidating.
Again, it’s good to start with baby steps, like that coffee shop visit or solo walk in the park. But if your first solo outing feels uncomfortable, awkward, or makes you come home with your palms sweating, don’t give up after the first round. Stick with it.
Try a new solo activity altogether
There are literally infinite things you can do by yourself.
Go to the cinema. Go see a play. Go ice skating. Sign up for a painting class. Take a sketch pad, head to the park, and do your best to capture nature’s beauty. Buy a Sudoko book and spend 30 minutes using your brain (and ignoring your phone) outside in the sunshine.
As the old saying goes: “Only boring people get bored.” So if you haven’t had any luck enjoying spending time with yourself, it’s not because it’s impossible—you just haven’t found the right fit yet.
Try your first solo activity again, but change one thing
Maybe reading solo in a cafe isn’t your thing. But reading in a cocktail bar with a gin and tonic? That could be the ultimate relaxing experience. Or maybe instead of setting up camp with your sketchpad in the busiest part of the park, you try heading to a calmer, quieter corner.
Learning how to start doing things alone can take a bit of experimenting—but that’s half the fun of it. Part of the beauty of learning to enjoy spending time with yourself is that you’re always on a great, big, magical quest of getting to know yourself.
What piques your interest? What makes you curious? What do you find annoying? What did you use to find annoying, but with time and a new perspective, you’ve come to love?
Revert back to step one: understand what's really making you nervous
Now’s the time to whip out your journal, your Notes app, a nearby paper napkin, or wherever else you can turn your thoughts into written word.
If that first solo activity didn’t click, why? What went wrong? How did it make you feel? And what didn’t you like about that feeling?
The first step in solving a problem is to name it. Then, you can tweak your approach and try again next time.
For example, if going to a museum by yourself made you feel too fidgety, bored, and stuck in your own head, then how about trying something a little more hands-on next time? Like signing up for a painting class, gardening outside, or going for a hike.
Key Takeaway: If you didn’t have the time of your life on your first solo date, that’s okay—just don’t give up here.
Reflect on what you didn’t like. Think about what you can do differently next time. And then try again.
Learning how to get better at doing things alone takes more than one shot—and that’s kind of the point. With every solo date, you’re learning more about yourself and building your confidence.
This isn't about doing everything alone all the time; community is still important
The point of figuring out how to get better at doing things alone isn’t to avoid doing things with other people.
Belonging to and participating in a community plays an important role in enduring mental and even physical health. The research is all there:
- Social interaction is good for your health. A study from Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America found that more social interaction “was associated with lower risk of physiological dysregulation,” AKA, your body’s ability to keep internal systems stable and balanced. In contrast, the same study found that people who are socially isolated can have greater risk of hypertension than those with diabetes.
- The benefits extend to both physical and mental health. Per a study from SSM – Population Health, a weaker sense of community was associated with “poorer general and mental health.” And that goes for all three age groups studied: from 18 to over 60 years old.
- Having strong social relationships may even make you live longer. After assessing the findings of 148 studies, Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a psychologist at Brigham Young University, in Provo, Utah, came to the conclusion that “the size and quality of people’s social relationships either equalled or outmatched almost all the other factors in determining people’s mortality.” Source: BBC
So, why prioritize alone time?
Spending time alone, caring for yourself, and learning more about who you are ultimately makes you a better you—and a better person to participate in and support your community, who, in turn, can better support and nurture you.
It all comes full circle. Learn to fill your own cup, and you can better pour into others. Everyone wins.
Conclusion: Loneliness isn't the problem. Inaction is.
There’s nothing wrong with craving company. We’re social animals and hardwired for community and connection. But when the presence (or absence) of others becomes the deciding factor for how you live your life, your life isn’t your own anymore.
Doing things alone isn’t lame. It isn’t embarrassing. And it doesn’t have to be anxiety-inducing. It’s a skill—and something you can learn (and get better at) over time.
Yes, sometimes it feels awkward, especially at first. But every time you take yourself out (whether that’s for a dinner, a walk in the park, or a weekend trip), you realize that you’re capable of creating your own happiness.
And that’s not loneliness. That’s freedom.
Next Steps:
Plan a solo date. Because if there’s something you really want to do, why wait for a date? This Guide to Dating Yourself explains why you should prioritize spending time with yourself and shares a few easy-breezy solo date ideas.
Get inspiration for your first (or next) solo trip. It could be as simple as a day trip to the next town over, a weekend away a few hours from your home, or something bold and bucket-list-worthy, like a solo trip to Paris.
Learn how to feel more comfortable going to social events alone—like going to a wedding solo (it’s not as daunting as it sounds).
Practice doing things alone, step by step. A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge gives you bite-sized daily challenges to help you experiment with doing things alone—no stress, no judgment.
How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone: Common FAQs
Why do I not like doing things alone?
A lot of us were taught that it’s shameful, lame, or embarrassing to do things alone. Oh, that must mean that no one picked you. Or you got stood up. Or you were left out of the party.
Too often, people seem to forget that spending time alone can be a choice—not a consequence of lack of an invitation. Unfortunately, a lot of us picked up this bad habit. But you can start getting over it and learn how to get better at doing things alone with A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge.
How can I enjoy doing things alone and not feel the need to have someone to accompany me?
Reframe the scenario. Instead of thinking, “I have no one to go to dinner with tonight,” remind yourself: “This is pretty sweet. I can pick the restaurant. I can pick the time. And I can linger over dessert as long as I please.”
It can feel awkward, nerve-wracking, or even a little scary to start doing things alone if you’re always used to having a wingman. So if you still need a little emotional support on your first solo outing, why not bring along another kind of wingman? It could be a book, a journal, a sketchpad, a crossword puzzle. Just don’t let your phone be your wingman. The idea is to disconnect and focus on some in-the-moment you time—no FOMO or doom-scrolling allowed.
How to get used to doing things alone?
It’s like any skill: practice. If your first solo data feels uncomfortable or just weird, try not to overthink it. No one was staring at you. You didn’t have spinach in your teeth. And even if you said something a little lame, I can promise you that everyone has forgotten it by now.
The most important thing is that you get back out there again, whether that’s at the coffee house, restaurant, or yoga studio. The more you try new things alone, the more comfortable (and confident) you’ll feel about yourself.
How do you stop being scared of doing things alone?
Remember as a kid, how your mind would play tricks on you after watching a scary movie? Your imagination is where most of the fear lives. So bring yourself back to reality.
Use the worst-case scenario trick from earlier. Ask yourself: “What exactly am I afraid of? What would I do if that actually happened?” Upon a little deeper reflection, you’ll find that most fears (like awkward glances or feeling out of place) are totally survivable.
Plus, courage builds over time. The more you push yourself outside of your comfort zone and spend time doing things alone, the easier (and more rewarding) it will be.
Discover how the merry loner lifestyle makes life more enjoyable:
LONER MINDSET: fresh perspectives on learning to genuinely enjoy your own company
BOOKS: reading lists for people who love being alone with a good story
ANALOG LIVING: inspiration to step back from the screen and live a life offline
SOLO TRAVEL: guides on where to go and how to enjoy it alone
MINDFUL CONSUMPTION: vetted recommendations for a simpler, less wasteful life
LONER Q&As: interviews from global voices on how to live a meaningful, enjoyable life
Merry
Merry is the blogger behind A Merry Loner, a full-time freelance writer, and a lifelong bookworm. Since kindergarten, it was her dream to become a novelist. (She likes to think she's halfway there.) Born and raised in Rhode Island, where she earned a triple-major BA in writing, communication, and French from the University of Rhode Island, she moved to Toulouse, France after the pandemic to complete a master's in creative writing at Univeristé Toulouse Jean — Jaurès. She now lives in Paris with husband.
