At age 25, Heather Lucas has already had the chance to call four different countries home. I met her in 2021 in France, when we both moved to Toulouse to do a month-long, intensive TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) program. 

But that wasn’t Heather’s first time living in the south of France. She’d already spent three summers working as an au pair for a French family in Provence, making the bold decision to take a break from her studies when she found herself lonely and unsatisfied at university in London. 

Now living in Leiden in the Netherlands, Heather reflects with A Merry Loner about following her gut, embracing independence, and the incredible power of spending time alone.

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AML: Both times you came to France—for the TEFL program and to be an au pair for the first time—what was the reaction of the people around you when you made those decisions?

HL: Actually, the first time I au pair-ed was during a gap year that I had ended up taking between the first and second year of university. My first year of university, I went to Royal Holloway in London, and I studied European studies and French. And I thought that this was exactly what I wanted to do. But I was also quite young. I was 17, and I was moving to the other side of the country, away from my family and friends. That first year, I actually really struggled and didn’t find a lot of enjoyment in the course. I didn’t kind of get the fun of the proximity to London because, for the first semester, I was underage and a lot of friends were going out drinking. 

After a lot of decisions back and forth, and me privately going to see one of the counselors at the university and visiting their wellbeing center, I found out that I could transfer to another university. I was like: Oh, my gosh. I had no idea this was a thing. Yes, this is absolutely what I want to do. 

I had made all of those decisions and gone through that whole process on my own. I didn’t talk to anybody about it. I don’t know if I just felt like I was supposed to enjoy university, and then I didn’t, and I was like: Oh, no. What’s happening? I actually hadn’t really told anybody until it came to the final point of, okay, I’m transferring to Aberdeen in Scotland. But I made the decision a month after the deadline. That’s why I ended up taking a year-long break away from university. But it was the right decision, and I’m happy with the decision because that was what led to me au pairing. 

I would say that the au pairing had quite a strong reaction from my parents because they were like: What do you mean? You’re going to go live in France and look after somebody’s children for four months? And I was 19. I was old enough to make that decision but still young enough in their eyes. 

Some close friends were like, oh, my gosh—yes. This makes total sense with the French. So I think friends could kind of see the vision. But this was also one of the first times that any of us were spending time away from each other for such a long period of time. Although we’d been away for university in different places, I think maybe people’s first reaction was like: Oh, no. I’m not going to see you for four months.

AML: At both points, when you were in university in London and then when you moved to France to be an au pair, how did you feel about being alone in new situations for the first time?

HL: I think they both felt so different. Being at university in London, I did feel alone. I felt very much on my own. I’d made some friends who I’m still really close friends with now, but it was not so much of a friendship group; it was more of individual friends. This was different to high school, for me. That made me feel a lot more like I was on my own. And I think just the reality of university not being only this academic and education program but teaching you how to live on your own and sort of fend for yourself. It was balancing the academics and the social aspect of university—just trying to do it all on my own. That did feel quite lonely. 

But then arriving in France, I was just happy. I was like: This is exactly what I want to be doing. I was excited. You know when you know you’ve made the right decision? That was really what it felt like. It was just comfortable. When I arrived, the family met me at the airport, and then it was about an hour’s car journey back to their house. We were chatting away in the car, and I was like: Oh my gosh. I’m doing this. I’m speaking in French for a solid hour. And we found out that we had so much in common with each other, like our birthdays are the three consecutive days in the same month. This detail really stuck with me—it was almost like in that moment I knew I was doing the right thing.

I suppose because I was jumping in to be part of a family dynamic, that helped me not feel so alone. I had time on my own, which is something I do very much need for myself. But being part of their family unit, at that point in time, was something that I think I really needed—and not necessarily my own family unit. It was different, but it was good. 

AML: After that, when you went back to Scotland to finish university, how did that transition feel? 

HL: I went back to Scotland after having au paired, and I felt so much more confident. I would say confidence was really the thing that I’d been lacking in that first year in London. Going into the next three years in Aberdeen, I was confident in my abilities with French, and I was just also confident that I could socialize; I knew how to make friends which, again, is something that you don’t really think about going into university. But if you’ve just spent almost a decade at the same school, then that’s not something that you’re having to do over and over again because you have the same friends because you’ve grown up together.

I think I just felt like maybe it was a bit daunting because I knew I wanted to be serious about the studies and I wanted to do well. It was all internal academic pressure, but I’d kind of set that standard. The whole lifestyle stuff and being social and looking after myself—I knew that I could do that, by this point. I think confidence in my abilities really helped in that moment. And I was only a two-and-a-half hour drive or train ride away from my family, so if something happened, I literally could just jump on a train and go home, which at that age was still really helpful. It was just a safety net that was there in case I needed it.

AML: Your next step was going to do your master’s in the Netherlands, where you are now. You’re obviously older, but how else did it feel different when you came here?

HL: It felt good. I wasn’t really considering the fact that I was doing this on my own because I was doing this for me. This course was the best maritime history course that I’d found. I was deciding between this and a different university in England, and I was thinking: Okay, what’s the best decision? What’s the best place for me to go, not only academically, but in terms of what I want lifestyle-wise? And I’d realized that if I’d gone to this other university in England, I would have pretty much had the same lifestyle, the same routine. I would have shopped at the same supermarkets. I wouldn’t have changed too much personally. Not only does Leiden have the best course, but it also was the best opportunity for me to grow and for me to do something different. 

I thought, if I’m going to do this, now is the best time. I’m young. I’m not worried about settling down. I’m not worried about where I’m going to live. And I was just grateful that I was able to do it and that things had worked out that had got me here. It’s been my best experience of university life ever. 

In terms of not feeling too alone—although I was going into this and doing it by myself without friends or family nearby, at this age now, I’ve got past the need to have people nearby. It doesn’t affect my friendships, even as more of my friends move away from our old hometown. We’re all quite good at keeping in touch, and I’m used to balancing that and seeing people when we can. 

AML: And you have to live your life.

HL: Yeah. But also, going to live in the Netherlands, I knew that the flat I was moving into was a shared flat with three other international female students, so we were all going to be in the same circumstances and going through the same stuff. That was actually quite nice. I was excited because I knew there’d be people around me that were doing the same thing, even though none of us were on the same course. We actually ended up getting on really well, and we had a lovely year. It really became a little home, and we got each other through so many deadlines and late nights and the usual uni stuff. That certainly helped me with not feeling like I was doing it on my own. We were doing it independently rather than doing it alone.

AML: You said it’s important for you to have time alone—that you really need it. Why? And what do you like to do when you’re by yourself?

HL: It’s just kind of recharging batteries, personally. I don’t know about the whole introvert, extrovert thing. I would say I’m extremely social when I’m with my close friends. But I also know that in a group of people, I maybe wouldn’t be the first to jump up and say something. Maybe there is a part of me that’s introverted, and that’s why I do relish time on my own just to relax. 

Especially over the last year and also back when I was in France—I’ve been maybe not doing a lot of things physically, but I’ve been using my brain to learn how to speak French fluently and then doing this master’s and using my brain every day to write so many essays. I just found it exhausting, so time on my own would really just be me in my comfy clothes, probably with a cup of tea and likely scrolling on my phone. I try not to, but TikTok is there. I have been addicted since probably the pandemic. Everybody was inside, and we had to connect, and actually, it gave me so much community. Even though it was people all over the world, it was people that you could relate to. It was just light-hearted and helped me take a break from everything—and I still use it for that today. It just takes my brain off everything else. I found that I’ve finally started reading for fun again because when I was studying, starting a book and getting involved with a world of characters was too much. Sometimes I would call friends and family or watch Netflix, but I wouldn’t too often. I needed time on my own to give my brain a break from everything. 

AML: What would be your advice for people who are hesitant to go out and do things by themselves?

HL: It’s so difficult to think of anything other than, just do it. Take that leap. And I think you have to trust yourself. You have to trust that, if you’ve thought about doing this, it’s because it’s something that interests you or is the right path or place for you. So just follow it. Just follow that instinct, and see how much you can grow from it. 

I know that each experience I’ve done, time and time again, makes me come out feeling like such a different person and just knowing I’ve grown up as I’ve done it. That’s what it’s given me. It’s also given me a whole new social circle, and it’s given me new life experiences and new language skills and things that are so invaluable, really. Each time I do something new, it proves to me that I can do it and that I enjoy doing it. 

I don’t ever feel like I’m doing this because I have to; I’m doing this because I want to. When I made the decision to leave that first university, I made the decision by myself and told my friends and family afterwards. Although they were surprised, ultimately after time passed and everything, they saw that was the best decision for me and that I made things better because of it.

AML: I agree. I always say that you need to spend time alone to meet other people because otherwise you’re always in your safety bubble. I feel like you actually meet fewer people if you don’t give yourself the chance to spend time alone.

HL: Definitely. It’s being alone or being on your own that compels you to do more. Sometimes I feel stuck—stuck in a place or stuck in circumstances. But it’s something that forces me to look at new options and go: Okay, where do I want to go? What do I want to do? How do I want to change this feeling of being stuck? And that comes from spending time alone.

Ultimately, being alone is a driving force behind a lot of decisions that will broaden your experiences. 

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.