Toeing the line between introversion and extroversion.

I love spending time alone. I need it. If I go too long without having some dedicated alone time with my thoughts, I notice I tend to get a little grouchy. (My family probably notices it, too.) 

The same goes for reading time. Ideally, I read every single day, but sometimes life gets in the way. Still, if about three days pass without me getting a little sit-and-stare¹ time to block out the world and do some deep-thinking, I become restless, irritable, and frustrated. 

But the same goes in the other direction, too. 

Like most people, if I spend too much time stuck in my own head (or my own apartment (WFH people get it)), then I’ll probably go a little nuts. And by a little nuts, I mean: get depressed. 

Related Posts:

• In Defense of Laughing Alone
• Accepting Your Fate (Finding Acceptance Alone)
• Are You Afraid of Being Alone? Here’s why you don’t have to be.

Too much of a good thing: We need alone time AND time to be social

For most people, we tend to do too much of one or the other—and it’s easy to get stuck in old habits. 

If you’re more introverted, that might mean letting several days pass without ever emerging from your shell long enough to actually see sunlight or meet a friend.

If you’re more extroverted, that might mean running on a constant treadmill of social activity and forgetting to take a moment to do the scary thing—that is, be totally alone with your thoughts.

Which one are you? 

How to find the balance between solitude and a social life

It really doesn’t matter if you’re more introverted or extroverted. The important thing is finding a healthy balance between the two. 

That’s what Loner Living is all about: balancing solitude and a social life so you can be at peace whether you’re in a room full of people or all alone.

With no authority, professional training, or business telling other people what to do, these are my two cents on how to balance solitude and a social life so you can get the best of both worlds:

For introverts: 3 easy ways to socialize without giving up your alone time

If too many social engagements feels like a big drain on your social battery, go easy on yourself. You don’t have to rage at a late-night party to get your weekly social fix. Try this instead:

​1. Schedule a weekly friend date

Having a pre-scheduled, recurring friend date on the books is the perfect happy medium between getting out of the house and staying cozy in your shell.

I used to do this with friends back when I was living in Providence, RI. Every Monday, without any text exchanges or other planning, I met with the same motley crew at a local neighborhood bar. (Yes, it was very Cheers-y.) Often, it ended up being my favorite part of the week.

I think part of the magic was that this recurring meet-up scratched both my introvert and my extrovert itches. It got me out of the house on a weeknight to mix and mingle with new faces. But because it was the same place and time every week and there were always a few mainstay drinking buddies, it didn’t drain my social battery the same way going to a regular party would.

It was almost like a non-event—the perfect social dopamine hit for a sometimes introvert.

2. Invite a friend for a low-pressure outing, like a museum visit or a yoga class

Sure, hosting a friend for an evening of Netflix and junk food is definitely low energy while still (technically) checking the box of socializing. But you know what’s equally non-verbal but a little more stimulating (and will actually get you out of the house)?

• Going to a museum with a friend
• Meeting a friend at the gym or for a yoga class
• Getting together at the park for a bookworm’s reading party
• Even just going for a walk together

These activities are great options for introverts because they get you socializing and mingling in public spaces. But because you’re largely focused on the activity at hand (e.g., staring at art, yoga-ing, putting one foot in front of the other), it’s a lot less taxing on your delicate social battery.

3. Go to the cinema with someone

I know, movie theaters are supposed to be dying, right? Though I’m not sure if we should blame a) the pandemic; b) everything turning to streaming; c) the abysmal churn of remakes and sequels Hollywood is trying to force-feed us all; or d) all of the above.

Nonetheless, I’ve recently started going to the cinema more often, and you know what—the 2000s were right. It’s fun!

Like a lot of people, I already work from home and stare at my computer screen all day. So I’m looking for more leisure activities that, you know, don’t involve more sitting at home and staring at my computer screen. Instead, I want to:

• put on a cute pair of shoes
• browse the very limited options of what’s playing at the random hour I show up at the theater and, thus, pick something I might not otherwise have chosen
• leisurely stroll home in the cool, night air talking about the flick with my fellow moviegoer

It’s just as low effort as watching TV at home, but a helluva lot more romantic.

For extroverts: 3 ways to embrace alone time without giving up your social life

Looking at you, dear people who are allergic to silence and anxious about doing basic errands by yourself. Buckle up—you can do this:

1. Plan a solo night in—and turn off all your devices

Emphasis on “turn off all your devices.”

Even if your physical body is home alone for the evening, you and I both know it’s far too easy to distract your mind with the goings-on of the outside world. I’m not saying you need to adopt the recluse life, but taking a bit of time away from all the short-form videos, he-said-she-said, and other incessant, toxic stimulation would do pretty much all of us a world of good.

Whether you pledge to do it weekly, monthly, or you’re just trying it out for the first time, dedicate a solo night in with just you and yourself. You can:

• Read a book, analog-style. (These are some of my favorite easy-read classics for people dipping their toes into classic literature.)
• Feel all the feels and go ham in a new notebook with a couple of journal prompts.
• Literally anything besides doom-scrolling or watching TV. For inspiration, bookmark this mega-guide of 100 self-care ideas, like having an at-home spa night, filling all your drawers with lavender sachets, or other frivolous things that make life more enjoyable.

2. Take yourself on a date

Spending time with yourself doesn’t mean you have to hole up at home and knit the night away (unless that’s your thing).

You can also spend quality time alone by taking yourself out on a date. For instance, you can:

• Go to brunch or a good, old-fashioned diner and stay far too long while experiencing the joy of reading a book from start to finish
• Get dressed up and take yourself to a cocktail bar and sip a dirty martini while languidly surveilling the scene
• Treat yourself to a three-course meal at your favorite or a new-to-you fancy restaurant

And don’t forget to buy yourself fresh flowers. Because, why not?

3. Sign up for a class to learn something new

You want to learn watercolor painting, but none of your friends are into it.

So what? Find a class. Sign yourself up. And mark it on the calendar as your weekly solo date. In fact, there’s a pottery atelier across the street from my new apartment, and this is one of my plans for the new year.

If getting arts and crafts-y isn’t your thing, you’re not off the hook, yet. The list of new things to learn is literally endless. You can take a class in anything that interests you, like:

• Cooking
• Dance
• Music
• Writing
• Photography
• Gardening

I’ll stop there, but you get the idea. This is one of the founding principles of Loner Living: If there’s something you want to do, go out and do it. Don’t wait because you’re afraid of doing it alone.

Loner Living—where introverts and extroverts meet

Like most things in life, it’s possible to have too much of a good thing.

Too much alone time can lead to boredom (at best) and depression (at worst). But living life in the extrovert lane 24/7 isn’t necessarily great for the mind, either. Without time to slow down and focus on a little self-reflection and self-awareness, how can you ever look inward, critique your actions, and try to work on becoming a better person?

To be our best selves, we need a mix of both. Whether you’re more of an introvert or an extrovert, it’s always good to push yourself a little outside of your comfort zone. That’s where the growth happens.

Recommended Reading:

• How Heather’s Lonely Year at Uni Became the Springboard to Her Greatest Adventures
• The Problem with Shopping on Amazon Prime
• How to Stop Wanting Things
• Best Tea for Non Tea Drinkers | How to Start Drinking Tea
• 13 Habits to Start Now in Your 20s (or Whenever) for Long-Term Physical & Mental Wellbeing

1. Shout-out to my brother’s friend for coining this gem of a phrase: “sit-and-stare time.” ↩︎