Ally Mitchell has lived in Toulouse, France for over 3 years, transplanting her life to the southwestern Pink City to move in with her French partner, Gaylord. Today, she’s a food culture and history tour guide for Taste of Toulouse, a freelance editor, and the owner of Nigella Eats Everything, where she writes about food and France. 

Ally’s passion for food (and travel) goes back almost a decade. In 2016, she studied at Leiths School of Food and Wine in London in her native UK and then moved to the other side of the world to work as a chef in New Zealand in 2019. 

Since her teenage years, Ally has always been driven by an independent streak and a calm confidence that she doesn’t need other people to realize her goals. With A Merry Loner, she reflects on following her Loner intuition and the power of taking risks alone.

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AML: You moved to France to live with your partner, Gaylord. Even when you’re with a loved one, it can feel isolating to live in a new country. Can you share your experience?

AM: Well, it’s had its ups and downs, of course. I was talking about this with a friend last night. When you move to a place for a man, there’s this kind of feeling that you have in yourself—but also that a lot of people tell you—that they need to be “punished” in some way because you’ve done something [for them]. It’s kind of like there needs to be this even-ing out because you’ve done them this big favor; you’ve changed your life for them, so they need to do something to pay you back. 

When I joined a Facebook meet-up group, we were going around the table, and I realized the majority of them were women who had moved to be with their male partners. This girl I sat next to mentioned: “You never see men moving to another country for a woman.” I was there, like, yeah—definitely noticing this. And Gaylord’s “punishment” (if that’s the right word) for me moving here was to help me with my admin for everything. I’m like: “I don’t know French. You’re fluent in English. We could have moved to the UK, but we’re here. So you’ve got to do all of this for me.” And he still does.

But I think it took a while to sort of feel more like I had roots in Toulouse because for the longest time, I felt like the only reason I was here was because of him. It wasn’t until I started working as a food tour guide with Taste of Toulouse that I actually thought: I have every reason to be in Toulouse. Toulouse is now my home. I feel very comfortable here. I now know its history because of the tours, and also, I now know so many people in the market who are French—people who are delighted to see me whenever I pop by. 

And that has given me so much more confidence here. The day I took Gaylord into the market and went to get loads of charcuterie and stuff. He was just there, amazed by how many people knew me. It was such a weird feeling because it’s his country. But I know the city better than him. 

AML: Before you started working as a tour guide, did you ever feel a bit lonely or isolated? Obviously, you have your partner. But we also need people other than our partners to make us not feel lonely.

AM: Totally. That feeling of loneliness for friendship is very common. When you’re in a relationship, you’ve got your favorite person with you all the time, but [sometimes] they’re not fulfilling that role that you want them to fulfill in that moment. You’re craving friendship. That can be a really lonely feeling. And I get that every now and then. I’ve had it a lot since moving to France, especially if I think about my friends back home in London. I can count on one hand how many I’m still friends with—and I was living in the UK for 27 years! I just don’t know what’s happened to them all. They’ve all dropped off or something. And that makes me feel very lonely and sad because that means my core friends are here in Toulouse, which is lovely—but then also, what do I mean by a core friend? Sometimes I don’t know how much I commit to friendships because I know I’ve got Gaylord at home. Whereas, if I was single, I know that my friendships would be everything. 

So maybe that should be my new resolution: to invest more time in my friendships because they are SO important. But sometimes when you’ve got a really low social battery (which I have quite a lot), it’s so easy to just be at home with the person [you] don’t even need to try with. 

AML: It’s an interesting balance. On the one hand, if you have a low social battery, then you rely on alone time to recharge. But if you spend too much time alone, then you feel kind of isolated. What do you do in those moments? 

AM: When I’m feeling lonely and it’s a loneliness I don’t like… I’m actually not sure. I would probably try and reach out to someone. I would probably text; texting can be enough sometimes. Whether it’s just like a little communication or making plans for the foreseeable future—it doesn’t have to be that day. At least knowing I have something in my diary makes me feel reassured. 

AML: What about even before that—when you had just moved to France and hadn’t developed a network of people you could reach out to?

AM: When I first moved, there was an awful lot going on, so you’re not really aware that you’re lonely because you’ve got so much else to do. I was trying to learn the language, trying to get work, trying to start my blog. There was so much going on. And then eventually I realized that I need friends because I can’t just be on my own as often as I am. So I went onto all these different groups, like Facebook. 

There’s where I met a lot of British people who emigrated over to France. They were all very welcoming, but they kept saying how awful England was and how happy they were to be in France. I was like, well, I’m not going to gain anything from this. This is not an interesting conversation for me, so I never bothered going back. But I think it’s important to take those risks—to keep putting yourself out there. That’s why I tried an art class next—and that’s where I met a really good friend I’ve known for years now. 

AML: Exactly! I have this idea that you have to be a bit of a Loner to make more friends because you have to be comfortable going out and doing things alone and putting yourself in scenarios where you’re going to meet new people. If you’re too hesitant to do activities because you don’t want to do them by yourself, you’re limiting your pool of potential friends.

AM: Of course, you kind of have to be an extroverted introvert. You have to be very comfortable in your own skin—being on your own. 

I remember when I changed schools when I was 16. It was a big deal because I’d never changed schools before, and I suddenly went from being in this all-girls environment to a mixed school with boys. It was so intimidating, so scary. But I was like, I can do this. This is a chance for me to reinvent myself. And that’s when I started going by my name, Ally. Before that, I’d always been Alison. I was just like: This is a great opportunity for me to be this “better” version of myself, someone who [makes me] feel more confident. And because I was able to do that, I know now that I can go into any room on my own and be okay. But it is scary. 

AML: Yes, there’s a bit of bravery in anonymity. When you’re with people who already know you, you sometimes feel like you have to play the same part you’ve always played. But when you have the courage to put yourself out there alone, then you can be whomever you want.

AM: Absolutely. I do sometimes wonder if you’ve got one friend in a place, they can become too much of a crutch and then you don’t even try. Sometimes when I go to Nikita’s place whenever they’ve got one of their hugely-packed soirées, there’s always people I’ve never met before. And they’re always very friendly, but I find it so much easier to go and talk to Nikita. 

AML: Let’s go back to your social battery. When you do need alone time to recharge, what do you like to do in that time for yourself? 

AM: I really like baking. Sometimes after I finish a deadline, I just want to deep-clean my flat while watching Bridgerton. I just like really nothing stuff—it makes me feel good. It’s something to fill the void of your thoughts, like watching YouTube, listening to podcasts, and stuff like that. 

I don’t really do the whole bath relaxation thing. I picked up a book for the first time in ages today. But I think I’d like to get into more of a habit of my alone time, to read, for example, because that is something I really enjoy doing. 

I actually really like my alone time. One of the reasons we wanted a separate kitchen [in our new flat] is because we both really like cooking. And when one of us is cooking, we like to be alone to do it. 

AML: Interesting! Because normally couples are all “And we love to cook together…” haha, why do you like doing it alone? 

AM: No, that’s weird! Haha, no. [When you cook alone], you’ve got every right to choose what you’re going to be watching or listening to. That’s just a habit I’ve always had. When I cook, I like to be alone and put on an audiobook or a podcast or an interesting YouTube video. We both really just enjoy that moment that’s just for us. And if we shared it, then we wouldn’t be able to put on that content that we enjoy. It’s a real treat, and it’s definitely one of those Loner moments that is a pleasure.

AML: In addition to working as a tour guide, you’re also a freelance editor and a blogger. When you work for yourself, you can be in control of everything, but it can also be very isolating. What are your thoughts on working alone? 

AM: I enjoy working on my own, and I don’t notice I’m lonely because I’m so busy. When you’re busy and you’ve got this goal that you’re focused on, you don’t feel lonely even though you’re alone because you’re engaged and you’re caught up doing something.

That’s kind of how I felt when I went abroad to New Zealand to work. I was 27. I just left with a backpack, got on the plane, and then arrived in the middle of the night, went to my hostel, slept a lot, and then had complete insomnia the next day. But that first night I was in Auckland, I was just walking the streets. I got a McDonald’s, and I was just wandering. I had no idea where I was. And there was this kind of weird balance of feeling completely alone because I was literally on the other side of the world from everyone I knew. But then I also knew that I had this other purpose because I was there for a reason. I was there to find work, and I was there to enjoy my life and be in New Zealand. So it wasn’t a painful loneliness; it was a loneliness by choice, which is completely different to actual loneliness. 

At that time, I already had a blog, which was like a story-telling diary of my adventures through food. Then with the COVID-19 pandemic rudely getting in the way of everyone’s lives, Gaylord and I decided to settle down in France. It was during lock-down time, and I realized I needed a creative outlet—that’s when Gaylord encouraged me to take my blog more seriously. 

It started to grow from there, and it’s been my passion project for the last three years, but I’ve taken a step back recently due to burn-out. I’d like to get back into it, because every time I look at the blog, I’m very proud of what I’ve done. It’s all been me. Every time I look at it, I’m like, “Wow, I actually did this.” 

AML: What kind of advice would you give to someone who has an idea for a project they want to build but are intimidated or overwhelmed to take it on by themselves? 

AM: Creativity is an isolating thing because it’s something that’s just for yourself, and it’s something you express personally. Everyone’s creativity comes out in different ways. For me, it’s cooking and then writing about it and taking photos. I can’t imagine sharing that with someone else—it’s totally just my thing. If someone’s got something creative that they really want to release, I would just say, start doing it. 

[With] all of the opportunities we have these days because of the Internet… Get started. You don’t have to take it too seriously. When you start feeling like you need to commit to it, then that’s the time to really start investing more. Before that, it’s just meant to be an outlet.

AML: There’s so much pressure these days to monetize your hobby. You have to make it visible and viral and popular—but that takes away from the initial joy of just doing something for yourself. 

AM: Exactly. There are people making music and stuff. You can just put up a video on YouTube and see if anyone sees it. It doesn’t have to be Spotify-ready. It doesn’t have to be an album. It doesn’t have to be millions of followers. All you need is you. 

AML: With all of these projects you’ve taken on alone, what have you learned about yourself? 

AM: That’s an amazing question because I’ve never thought about it. You don’t know what you’ve done until someone else tells you—because you’re just doing it. 

My mom has always been proud of the fact that I can just walk into places and I’ll be fine. Like when I went to that new school, she literally watched me walk in very confidently. She says she thinks about that all the time; she knows I’ll be okay because I’m able to be independent. I don’t necessarily need to go with other people. I can do things on my own. 

Then, I’ve got the blog, as well. I can work for myself. I don’t need other people to do all of these things. I’ve had friends back home that say they admire and are very impressed that I was able to move abroad multiple times. The thing is, when you’re doing it yourself, you don’t really think about it. 

When I’ve got friends who are saying, “I’m not happy, but I don’t want to stop doing what I’m doing because it’s secure…” Yes, of course. I do understand security. But at the same time, I would also say, you’ve got to try these things. I can’t imagine not trying, even though it is me doing it on my own. Like, Gaylord’s not with me all the time. He and I are very different in that respect. We have our own lives. It surprises me so much that people assume when you’re in a relationship, you just do everything together. No, do things by yourself! 

Changing schools and going to culinary school and moving to New Zealand. I did them. I did them on my own. I went to all of those things without knowing a single other person. Every time, it’s almost like there was no question. Like, “of course, I can do it.” I’ve done it multiple times without anything bad happening. In fact, my life’s changed for the positive because of all those things. 

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity

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