“I needed to get away from all the distractions I had built around myself.”

Shelby DiNobile decided to get off social media for a year—not an easy feat when you work in the high-speed fashion industry and you’re used to keeping up with a big network of friends and colleagues. But Shelby says he needed what he calls his “Loner Year” to take a step back, slow down, and look inward.

In a conversation with A Merry Loner, Shelby opens up about why he chose to quit social media for a year, the pressure of maintaining an online persona, and how spending more time alone actually helped him focus on more real, authentic relationships.

This is Part I of a two-part interview with Shelby DiNobile. Sign up here to get Part II (and all future Loner Q&As) delivered straight to your inbox.

Related Posts:

• Embrace Being a Loner—Why February Is the Perfect Time
• 5 New Things I Want to Do Alone This Year
• How to Live a More Analog Life: 5 easy, cheap (or free) ideas

AML: In the past year, you’ve decided to go a little off the radar. You moved. You’ve mostly stopped posting on social media. You even changed your phone number. What incited this?

SD: I had been on the radar for so long, but a lot changed over the past few years: COVID; meeting [my partner]; starting a new job. All those things made me realize like, “You know what? Right now, I don’t want to keep posting everything that I’m doing. I don’t really want everyone to know what I’m doing while I’m doing it. I don’t want them knowing all my personal business.” So I think I’m just getting out of the habit of doing that. 

It was also a mental health thing. Every time I posted something, I had friends that’d be like, “Oh, where are you?” “Where are you going?” “What are you doing?” And I don’t want that anymore. It just wasn’t really a healthy situation. I started posting things years ago because I wanted to promote myself in general [for work] and because I did enjoy sharing what I was doing. But at some point, after COVID and when I started getting serious with [my partner], I was like, I just need a break from this. Plus, I’m not sure where social media is going right now and if people are [using] it the right way. It just kind of gave me anxiety.

AML: Did you feel pressure to check how many people were responding to your posts and what kind of responses you were getting to gauge your own personal statistics? 

SD: Yes, exactly. That was a big part of it. First of all, I [would ask myself]: “Did I Photoshop the picture to look good enough?” There are so many photos up there, and it’s not like I Photoshop everything, but I do tweak things so they look good. And then it would be like: “Is it getting enough likes?” “Am I getting comments?” I just realized: I am worrying way too much about this, and I need to stop. 

AML: Was it a difficult transition? When you stopped, how did you feel? 

SD: It was difficult at first because when I was excited or I was out, I wanted to post things or just take a hot selfie or share what I was doing, whether it be for personal reasons or work-related. It was a little bit hard at first because I would go to do it but then I’d be like, “You know what? I don’t want to do that. I don’t know who’s looking at my stuff; I’m not sure of their energy or if I really want everybody knowing what I’m doing right now.” 

“It was definitely a time to go inward.”

It was definitely a time to kind of go inward. Because it’s very easy to become very active with social media. If you do it the right way, you can get exposure—and I have. I have used social media; I’ve leveraged it a lot. I’ve made a lot of money off it. I’ve met clients; I’ve gotten jobs. I’ve made more money in certain situations just because my social media looked really good. So those are some of the reasons to keep up with it. But I just kind of got burned out with it.

AML: Yeah, when social media started out, we were just sharing stuff for our friends to keep in touch with them. But like you said, unless you have the right privacy settings activated, you don’t even know who’s looking at your pictures now. And it’s become a tool to get a job or make money or create this over-romanticized version of your life. It’s no longer just about communicating with your friends. 

SD: Exactly. I was doing that for a while, exploiting the shit out of Instagram to just put out a really great persona. It’s not like I don’t have one, so I thought: “Why shouldn’t I put it out there?” But it became almost like a job. And then I would overthink certain decisions because my first thought was always how it would look online: “Should I live here?” “Should I look like this?” I buzzed my hair recently. Before, I would have thought: “Should I do that? Is it going to look good online? Is everyone going to like the way it looks?” At some point, I was like, okay–I’m exhausted. I’m just going to do what I want. I’m not going to show anybody anything. 

“I would overthink certain decisions because my first thought was how it would look online.”

AML: You called this last year your “Loner Year” and a time to look inward. Without the distraction of social media, what have you been doing? What have you learned? 

SD: What I’ve been doing a lot of is, I like to call it, taking stock—of just everything. When you’re on the go all the time and you’re in a certain world where you’re moving and shaking, you just don’t really know what’s going on [with yourself]. You kind of lose perspective of things like, what kind of people are you around? Who are really your friends? What kind of places are you going to? I used this past year to take stock of my life, reflecting on things like, “Maybe I shouldn’t be friends with that person. Maybe that person’s just kind of draining the life out of me. Maybe this industry—fashion and production in general—is draining the life out of me.” 

One of the other reasons is—I’ll be completely honest with you—I drank a lot. Last year, I went on a health retreat. I’d been drinking a lot for a long time. I felt like I needed to get control of the drinking and take a look at who I was as a person.

“For the last few years, I’ve been whatever you see on social media.”

And when you go to start mental health retreats like that, one of the biggest things they say is try to stay away from social media. Try to give that a break. Give your phone a break. So that’s kind of where it all started. I knew something needed to change. And also, getting into a serious relationship, I wanted to be more private. It all just kind of hit me at once over the past year, like “Who is Shelby supposed to be for the next decade of his life?” Because for the last few years, I’ve been whatever you see on social media. 

AML: You hear a lot of talk about overstimulation with technology, but it’s not just technology. We’re inundated by so much all the time. 

SD: That was part of the reason I decided to make a big move; I felt like I needed to be left alone. I changed my phone number. I stopped posting so much on social media. I needed to just get away from all the distractions I had built around myself. I needed to focus on who I was and what I wanted to do and whether what I was already doing was good for me or not. 

AML: It seems like spending more time alone, being offline, and looking inward actually helped you focus on more authentic, real relationships?

SD: Yes. I think when you’re looking inward and you’re not so worried about [life online], you’re just having authentic communication with the person you’re with. And when you’re spending more time alone with yourself, you have time to really reflect and understand which relationships in your life are authentic.

Like there was this person I used to travel with, and I don’t talk to them anymore because I realized they were not good [for me] to be around. It was kind of a shock, because this person and that group had once been really important people in my life.

AML: What do you like to do with your newfound alone time? I like to do the typical relaxation things, like candles and a bath with a book. I’m also really into yoga. 

SD: That’s awesome. I just got one of those trays that go across my bathtub. I’m like, “Why has this piece of wood changed my life?” It’s just a plank that goes across the tub, but it leveled up the whole experience by a million. I also like to cook—good Italian dishes I grew up with, like pasta, sauces. I love making soups. Otherwise, nothing crazy. I just like to rest and enjoy myself.

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

Recommended Reading:

• In Defense of Laughing Alone
• Ultimate Guide to Self-Care: 100 Self-Care Ideas
• Accepting Your Fate (Finding Acceptance Alone)
• Did This French Writer Just Reveal the Secret to Happiness?
• Food Editor Ally Mitchell on the Power of Taking Risks Alone

Recommendations: How Shelby indulges in his Loner time