“Being alone can be worth a lot more than being in the wrong relationship.”

Shelby DiNobile is no stranger to Loner Living. Even before he got off social media as part of an introspective Loner Year, he always prioritized following his gut instead of the crowd.

In high school, he landed his first internship working backstage at fashion shows. In college, he turned down stable corporate tech gigs to keep following the work that aligned with his creativity. Along the way, he learned to walk away from relationships that never gave him as much as he can give himself.

In Part II of his conversation with A Merry Loner, Shelby talks about the power of solitude, the importance of doing work that truly fulfills you, and why the right relationships will always respect your need for space.

This is Part II of a two-part interview with Shelby DiNobile. In Part I, Shelby talks about his decision to stop using social media for a year—and what he learned.

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AML: When we met in college, we hit it off because we were both kind of on the outskirts of the typical college experience. We were both very independent and doing things a bit differently than the average student. Can you share a little bit about your entrepreneurship during that time?

SD: I always knew that I liked fashion. When I was in high school, somebody connected me with a designer, and I started an internship. So when I got to college, I already had experience—and I just kept going. I worked really hard; I went to a lot of events and networked a lot, so I think people saw that I was driven and serious about working. That’s how I started working backstage at shows with fashion designers, and soon people were asking me to work with them. I think that’s just what I’m supposed to do. 

“I didn’t really understand how to take that route of: get a degree; get an internship; get a job.”

Some people (I can understand it) after a while, would be like, “No, I don’t want to do all these internships and all these side gigs. I just want to get the degree and get the job.” That would have been a lot more simple. But I didn’t really understand how to take that route of: get a degree; get an internship; get a job. That scared me a lot, actually. 

But I did try it. I got an internship at [a corporate tech company]. But when I got there, it seemed like whatever I was doing didn’t matter. Like it was all fake. When I left at the end of the day, I felt like, “What did I even accomplish? All I did was make a slideshow and email it to six people. And then everyone said something back. So what?” And this was a big corporation. They offered me a job at the end, and it would have been very stable, a great 401k, all that. But I didn’t feel like I was doing anything. Then I got offered a job in sales by another [legacy tech company], but I brushed it off. I didn’t want to do it. I was like, “I don’t really see how I’m gonna fit into a company like that.” It wasn’t in alignment with my interests. It just sounded too rigid.

I wanted to keep doing what I was doing, which was working for a fashion designer and a home designer—all while still in college. That type of work, it isn’t very structured. But it just felt a lot more fun to do. It’s a lot more creative; it’s a little bit glamorous. I’ve had other corporate jobs since, but I had to go back to what I know. So fast-forward to now, and I’m working for another designer again, Kimberly Pucci.

AML: You’ve always balanced so many projects at once. Has it ever felt like that cuts into your solo, relaxing time? 

SD: I remember when I started in fashion back as a student. It was actually a luxury if I had some time alone and I could do whatever I wanted to just relax. One of my favorite things to do then when I was alone was go to a library or a coffee shop or a hotel and just pick a random topic and do some research on it. I still do that now—just go to libraries or historical buildings or random cute boutique hotels. That’s my favorite thing to do when I’m alone. Just plop myself in some cute environment and open my laptop and figure out what I’m doing in the next week or year of my life—just have a drink and think and enjoy myself.

“I learned to protect my time and that being alone can be worth a lot more than being in the wrong relationship or the wrong company.”

That time alone when I’m not being influenced by what everybody else needs. In college, one of my favorite places to go to by myself was the RISD [Rhode Island School of Design] library. I would just go and look around and try to discover what else is going on: “What else goes on in the world besides my little world?” 

AML: That alone time is so important. Of course, being around other people can inspire you. But to do any kind of profound thinking, you have to be alone so you can let your ideas flow. You can’t really do that when you’re focused on talking to someone else. 

SD: Right! I need to do it more. Because with social media, when I’m alone, I still go there sometimes. I watch videos—but that doesn’t feel like good alone time. I think there’s a certain discipline when you’re alone where you have to make sure you spend that time wisely—because you don’t get a lot of alone time anymore, really. So when [my partner] is working and I have the day off, I’m going to look up a place to go and just take myself there. I’ll bring a book, my laptop, and like fifty bucks. I don’t even know what I’m going to do there, but I’m going to figure it out. Maybe I’ll meet somebody, or maybe it’ll just be me by myself enjoying that space. 

AML: What about balancing alone time with relationships? How have your different relationships over the years affected your relationship with yourself? 

SD: I learned to protect my time and that being alone can be worth a lot more than being in the wrong relationship or the wrong company. I’d rather be alone than be around a bunch of people who don’t make me feel good.

As far as dating goes, some people you can be so close with and you can spend all your time with them, but you still feel so alone because they actually don’t understand you.  

AML: Right, there comes that negative connotation with “feeling alone.” That’s a bad feeling. But it doesn’t always come from being by yourself; it also comes from being in a bad relationship. 

SD: Yeah, that’s why I think it’s so interesting that you’re trying to get rid of the negative connotation of the word alone. If you’re in a bad relationship, guess what? You can still be alone, in a way. So if I’m going to feel alone dating someone, then I’d rather just physically be alone. Because then that’s my time back where I get to think my own thoughts and not think about whether I’m making someone else happy. Like, maybe I want to dress in something funky and go sit at a random hotel and read. But maybe my partner doesn’t want to do that. Well, it’s my time and it’s something I want to do. 

“My alone time is my time back where I get to think my own thoughts and not think about whether I’m making someone else happy.”

When a relationship affects the value of your alone time, then that’s a bad relationship. If that person doesn’t want you to be alone and they don’t respect your alone time—you have to watch out for those people. They want to have your attention all the time. And then they twist it around and say, “If you’re not thinking about me, then you don’t like me.”

“When you’re alone, you’re powerful. You can do whatever you want.”

But the right person in the right relationship will say, “You know, if you need some time to yourself, do whatever you want. Go be alone for three hours. As long as you’re safe and you’re being loyal to the relationship, go do whatever you want.” But some people don’t let you do that. Even if they say they want you to have your own time, they don’t make you feel like it’s your time; it’s really like you’re with them all the time, and your time is theirs. 

“When a relationship affects the value of your alone time, then that’s a bad relationship.”

Certain relationships can suck that peace from you, because being alone is peace. That’s what everybody wants: the freedom to be able to think alone. But some people don’t want you to stray away. When you’re alone, you’re powerful—you know what I mean? You can do whatever you want. 

AML: In a more lighthearted way, I think of that a lot when I’m traveling by myself. It’s as simple as not having to verbalize your thoughts when you walk through the airport. You don’t have to say, “Okay, do you want to get a coffee first? And then I have to go to the bathroom. Or do you want to pick a place to eat first?” With solo travel, you just go ahead and do it. 

SD: It’s your time to be whatever your human self wants. Maybe you walk into a store and you pick up a book and you spend thirty minutes looking at it. If you’re with somebody else, you can’t do that because you’re like, “Oh, sorry. All right, we have to go.” You can’t always be as spontaneous.

Now, that doesn’t mean you get to be disrespectful and tell everyone to fuck off. But for example, I have a bachelorette party coming up with twelve girls—and I’m terrified. I’m already planning my alone time. I’m starting to look up little places that I can run away to when I need a little down time to myself. 

AML: That’s a good strategy: planning in advance little moments you can take for yourself to recharge. 

SD: There’s so much importance for your mental health with it, too. I like how you’re trying to change the notion of being a loner from something negative to something empowering—because I’ve gotten a lot of that recently. Some people are like, “Where did you go?” “Why don’t you post on social media?” “Why don’t we hang out anymore?” They see it as a bad thing, but to me, it’s uplifting. I just want to be a little more private and mindful and protective of my time for myself. 

AML: Thank you. I have this thing I call A Merry Loner’s Manifesto that’s exactly that: “A Loner isn’t lonely. A Loner does not lack companionship. A Loner isn’t anti-social.” We like parties. We have friends. We’re not shutting people out of our lives or rejecting others. But we see the value in spending time with ourselves. Like you said, it’s important for yourself—and it’s important for your mind. 

What advice would you give to someone who wants to reclaim their alone time but is facing resistance from the people around them?

SD: My advice would be to remember that you don’t owe anybody anything at all. At all. Yes, you should be respectful of your obligations and you should make an effort to keep in touch with people who are important to you. But you don’t owe anybody anything. 

“You don’t have to give everybody the answer they’re looking for all the time.”

If you feel like you need to reclaim your alone time, come up with a plan—because people will try to invade it. That’s human nature. People will be like, “Why are you isolating yourself?” And that can be a sign of depression, so those are important things to look out for and be aware if you’re doing that too much. Keep a good tally of your time to make sure you’re not isolating or holding in things that maybe you should discuss with a professional or a friend. Don’t become a shut-in. But if you want more loner time, take it. Create boundaries, and stick to them. 

“Remember that you can rebrand yourself into another you whenever you want.”

If you want to get drastic, you can. You can move—to another state or just down the street. You can change your phone number. You can do drastic shit like that. Maybe take down your social media or stop posting. Don’t be afraid. Maybe you need to change your environment. And that is overwhelming, so try to think critically about these things. But sometimes you’re stuck in the same spot and you’re familiar with everything and it’s hard to feel. Remember that you can rebrand yourself into another you whenever you want. 

AML: That’s interesting advice. Often, people say, “Baby steps.” “One thing at a time.” It’s almost as if making a big change is seen as completely unachievable. But you can if you want to. 

SD: It can be really risky. I wouldn’t say, “Go buy a house you can’t afford.” You have to be smart about it, but you can still take risks. 

AML: When I decided to move to France, I had to wait and plan for a year. There was so much build-up. I remember before I left, my dad told me, “I know you’ve been waiting for this for a long time. But if you do it and you decide after two months that you don’t like it, you can just come back. It’s not embarrassing to make a mistake or change your mind. You don’t have to stick it out.” 

SD: I think that’s really good advice. You can try something new—and if it doesn’t work, then you just try something else. But before you move somewhere or do something drastic, first go spend a little time by yourself. Investigate a life with more solitude. There’s smaller stuff you can do, too. For example, you don’t have to respond immediately to every notification you receive; let yourself reclaim some of your attention for yourself. You don’t have to give everybody the answer they’re looking for all the time. Or if you get invited out and don’t feel like going, don’t go. 

“Alone time can be used to find out who you are.”

If you decide you want to make a drastic change, prepare for it. Make sure you know what you’re getting into. That way, if you move, for example, you don’t wake up one day and think, “Oh, my God, I feel so alone.”

Be aware that if you’re going to make decisions to prioritize your alone time, you need to be prepared for the changes that come with that—like not always having someone to talk to. This change might be a little anxiety-inducing, especially if you’re used to constantly being around a lot of people and a lot of stimulation. Remember that alone time can be used to find out who you are. But just be aware of the changes going in so you don’t get, like, lonely shock. I’ve gotten that before. 

AML: That’s a good point. If you’re making a drastic change, just because you encounter a tiny hiccup, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep going. Change means being a little uncomfortable sometimes—that uncomfortableness doesn’t necessarily mean you’re making a mistake. 

SD: Yeah, you have to be compassionate with yourself. Because when you start to take more time alone, you may see things you don’t like about yourself or things you want to change about yourself. Or you may see things you don’t like about the world or things you don’t like about the people you used to hang out with. Those realizations can happen when you decide to take more time for yourself. It’s not going to be like you end up in Margaritaville alone and you’re having a great time. Sometimes it’s like that—you can do whatever you want, go wherever you want, eat whatever you want. But you will be alone sometimes, and you have to be prepared to be okay with that. 

And when you become busy with your new life change, make sure you still keep tabs on the people who are really important in your life. Don’t become so alone that you’re not keeping up with your tribe and having those good conversations, because that’s still important. 

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

Recommended Reading:

• Looking Inward: Why Shelby DiNobile Decided to Get Off Social Media & What He Learned 
• Embrace Being a Loner—Why February Is the Perfect Time
• Did This French Writer Just Reveal the Secret to Happiness?
• Are You Afraid of Being Alone? Here’s why you don’t have to be.
• Ultimate Guide to Self-Care: 100 Self-Care Ideas

Recommendations: How Shelby indulges in his Loner time