Working on yourself is the most important work of your life.

My toxic trait is that I can be quite oblivious to my surroundings. 

Until recently, I had no idea that that friend of a friend had a crush on me. Yesterday I walked right by a friend who was waving to me in the street—not because I’m a stuck-up snob with my nose in the air, but because I genuinely didn’t notice her. Sometimes, I childishly don’t realize what I’m feeling about a specific situation until I’ve had the time and distance to sort it all out in my head (and maybe also have a snack, which somehow makes everything clearer).

I’ve always got my head in the clouds, but lately I’ve been trying to come back down to Earth. At least for a little bit. 

And I’m getting there with a little help from my friends. By friends, I mean a whole retinue of books on awareness—books on self-awareness, that is. 

I’ve done a lot of reading, a lot of highlighting, and a lot of dog-earing the pages. (Don’t tell your neurotic book friends!) In my eternal quest for self-development, I think I’m getting one step closer with my carefully curated list of the seven best books on self-awareness.

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What does it mean to be self-aware?

If you’re asking yourself this question, you’re already off to a good start. 

Europe’s Journal of Psychology defines self-awareness as “the extent to which people are consciously aware of their internal states and their interactions or relationships with others.”

Let’s break that down: 

• “aware of their internal states”: What’s really going on in that complicated noggin of yours? What are you feeling, reeling with, dealing with, or (dare I say) oppressing? 
• “Aware of … their interactions or relationships with others”: That’s quite the loaded phrase, isn’t it? Most immediately, it makes me think: Am I actually treating other people the way I think I am? Am I listening to them? Am I considering their feelings when I interact with them? Am I considering MY feelings when I interact with them? 

I’m not here to play doctor. But what I can do is help you begin (or continue) your personal development journey. 

Feeling moody or restless? 

Whip out your Notes app, a blank sheet of paper, a napkin, or a cute journal, and let your heart lead the way with one (or more) of these 20 journal prompts for anger.

Feeling pensive, thoughtful, and/or curious to learn more? 

Then you’re in the right place, friend. 

Light up a candle that makes you feel something. Put on your best moody, mellow playlist. And tear into one of the best books on self-awareness. 

Top 7 Books on Self-Awareness

1. You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy

I read this book a few months before I got married after my soon-to-be-husband and I had an argument. (What it was about, I can’t even remember, which just goes to show you how so many of the things we stress about in this world end up being unimportant in the long run.) 

Listening is probably one of the more important components in improving your self–awareness. (Really, it’s one of the more important factors in life.) And we rarely give it enough attention. 

Warning: Reading this book may make you cringe—repeatedly—since it’ll force you to recall some of the many, many times you failed to be a good listener. (Don’t worry, aren’t we all?) 

Then, it gives you strategies to course-correct yourself so you can stop being the friend who only talks about herself and start being the friend who actually, truly, really cares.

“In modern life, we are encouraged to listen to our hearts, listen to our inner voices, and listen to our guts, but rarely are we encouraged to listen carefully and with intent to other people.” 

4 stars out of 5

Available from Better World Books and Barnes & Noble

2. Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman

I read this book after I saw some random person on X mention it. Thanks, random person on X—you were right: This book made me do a double-take on:

• All the things I’m constantly stressing about
• All the things I want to do in my life
• All the things I will probably never be able to do 

It’s depressing—in a good way. (The same kind of way that we believe “Life Is Sad and Then You Die” is actually a pretty great, uplifting life motto. This is why.)

The (perhaps sad) reality of life is that we only have so much time here. We don’t even know how much, exactly, we have. And far too many of us squander far too much of it. This book gave me pause and inspired me to drop a lot of dead weight that was only dragging me down and stressing me out. 

We just don’t have time for that. 

“Convenience culture seduces us into imagining that we might find room for everything important by eliminating only life’s tedious tasks. But it’s a lie. You have to choose a few things, sacrifice everything else, and deal with the inevitable sense of loss that results.” 

5 stars out of 5

Available from Better World Books and Barnes & Noble

3. Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers by Robert M. Sapolsky

I read this book during probably the most stressful summer of my life. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I was staying in an acquaintance’s apartment (without Wi-Fi, quelle horreur!) in a country where I knew only two people. I think I had a panic attack for the very first time. 

So one of the two people I knew gave me this book. 

I read it in, I think, two days, and I’m pretty sure I felt my heart rate decelerating with each turn of the page. 

Basically, Sapolksy explains how we’re all walking balls of stress. (Okay, nothing new there.) In our modern society, we have few opportunities to release this stress physically, so we remain trapped in a chronic physiological state of stress. That’s not a good thing. 

Remember how we talked about being aware of your internal state? If your internal state is a stressed-out dumpster fire screaming for help, this book will help you find a hose.

“For the vast majority of beasts on this planet, stress is about a short-term crisis, after which it’s either over with or you’re over with. When we sit around and worry about stressful things, we turn on the same physiological responses—but they are potentially a disaster when provoked chronically.”

3.5 stars out of 5

Available from Better World Books and Barnes & Noble

4. The School of Life: An Emotional Education by Alain de Botton

I remember reading this book over a few warm summer nights back when I lived in Providence, huddled under the porchlight in my robe, absentmindedly flicking away mosquitos and curious passersby. 

I was deep in my Depression Era, and I was mostly turning to books for some solace and a beacon of light in my search for meaning. I’m not saying this book cured my depression (certainly not), but it made the future seem a little less bleak. And in some chapters, it gave me the warm fuzzies.

Mostly, it made me more aware of my own level of emotional intelligence—where I excelled, where I was lagging behind, and what I could do to try to become better.

“Paradoxically, it is friendship that often offers us the real route to the pleasures that Romanticism associates with love. That this sounds surprising is only a reflection of how underdeveloped our day-to-day vision of friendship has become. We associate it with a casual acquaintance we see only once in a while to exchange inconsequential and shallow banter. But real friendship is something altogether more profound and worthy of exultation. It is an arena in which two people can get a sense of each other’s vulnerabilities, appreciate each other’s follies without recrimination, reassure each other as to their value and greet the sorrows and tragedies of existence with wit and warmth.”

5 stars out of 5

Available from Better World Books and Barnes & Noble

5. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD

Buckle in: This self-awareness book recommendation comes with a story. 

When I was a sophomore in college, I took a class called Interpersonal Communications. I vividly remember being in the car with my dad and older brother when I received an email from the professor about the upcoming course. Her message read something along the lines of: 

“By the end of this class, you will be more in touch with your emotions, more compassionate and understanding of those around you, and better able to navigate delicate emotional—blah blah blah…” 

I was not enthused. I was 19. I was angst-y and consumed with existential dead. I wanted nothing to do with (what I considered )to be this unnecessary, flowery nonsense. 

Cut to a year later. This professor asked me to be her teaching assistant. We got coffee outside of class. And I confessed to the very awesome Kristine Cabral that I had been totally wrong about this book, her class, and my approach to communication. 

I’ve read many magnificent books in my life, but few among them I would call life-changing. This book is life-changing. (I even bought copies of this book for some family members as gifts. You take from that what you will.) 

“We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.”

5 stars out of 5

Available from Better World Books and Barnes & Noble

6. I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy

This is probably the most buzz-worthy among the self-aware books on this list—and for good reason. 

If you’re not already familiar, Jennette McCurdy was a child actor on popular shows like iCarly and Sam and Cat. But this memoir isn’t a juicy tell-all on the woes of child stardom nor is it a critique of the predatory child acting industry so much as it is a reflection on her difficult relationship with her mother and, by consequence, herself.

Remember what Europe’s Journal of Psychology said about self-awareness? Self-awareness also pertains to how much we are aware of our interactions or relationships with others. 

Paying attention to how we interact with others, how they interact with us, and what that means for our mental and emotional well-being is A LOT easier said than done. McCurdy’s brutally honest tale sets the course for profound self-reflection that most of us are sorely in need of.

“I’m trying every day to face myself. The results vary, but the attempts are consistent.”

5 stars out of 5

Available from Better World Books and Barnes & Noble

7. Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked by Adam Alter

I think I read this book during the COVID-19 pandemic lock-downs. (So trigger warning to myself.) 

Clearly, it was a time when we were all online more than ever, and I don’t know about you, but my mental health was really suffering. Before the pandemic, I would happily power down my phone some nights just to have some mental peace and quiet and get away from the incessant notifications, messages, and urges to scroll. My loneliness and my lack of interaction with anyone outside my house put an abrupt end to my former healthy practice.

And though the pandemic has come and gone, my old habit has not quite fully returned. 

But I did put down my phone long enough to read this book, which made me do a hard think on my relationship with technology and what factors I can control to stay out of the clutches of Big Tech. 

“The problem isn’t that people lack willpower; it’s that ‘there are a thousand people on the other side of the screen whose job it is to break down the self-regulation you have.’”

3.5 stars out of 5

Available from Better World Books and Barnes & Noble

And the best book on self-awareness is …

IMHO, the best book on self-awareness from this line-up is Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD. (I did call it life-changing, right?) 

All the self-awareness books in this line-up give you something of value, but this is the one that really made me look inward and then actually change not only my way of thinking but my behavior. (It also made me eat my words.) 

The best books on self-awareness, depending on what you need right now

Of course, I can’t speak for everyone. While we could all probably use a little more time giving ourselves constructive criticism, we don’t all need the same kind of constructive criticism. 

So here’s your quick cheat sheet, i.e., the best self-awareness books for you in this present moment. 

P.S. Don’t overthink it! Just follow your gut instinct. It knows the way.

If you’re feeling stressed	Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers by Robert M. Sapolsky
If you have the sinking suspicion that YOU’RE actually the one who’s the bad listener	You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy
If you keep having arguments with your loved ones (and your not loved ones)	Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD
If you feel guilty about being mad at someone	I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy
If you are losing yourself in this crazy, overwhelming world (which is totally understandable by the way)	The School of Life: An Emotional Education by Alain de Botton
If you worry about never having enough time to do all of things you want (and/or feel like you have) to do	Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman
If you know you’re too plugged into tech, but you don’t know how to stop	Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked by Adam Alter

Will reading the best books on self-awareness automatically make you a better person? 

Sorry, friend. It’s not that easy. 

These may be some of the best books to improve self-awareness, but you still need to put the legwork in. That might mean journaling, talking with a friend, doing a little bit of wallowing, or going for a walk to ponder the secret to happiness. 

It’s an uphill battle that won’t be solved in a day. 

But that’s life. And you can do it. 

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