That’s all relatively understandable; I can be a bit of a snob. But what I don’t understand is people calling me pretentious for reading books. Yes. Somehow, it seems, reading books has become a tennis-like activity: one for the educated upper middle class who have time and money (and wool sweaters) on hand. 

Why is it like this? 

Reading is literally free. With the Internet and e-books and audiobooks (if that’s your thing), it’s never been easier to access a book. So if reading has fallen from an everyday activity to a once-a-year event, I think it’s time to admit we are the only thing standing in our way. 

But the good news is, you can change things about your life whenever you want. You can even start today. And reading more is always an admirable pursuit. Here’s how to start doing it every day: 

Stop trying to make it special

I once met someone at a book club who said he managed to start reading more by treating it as a daily activity instead of a special event. “Reading is now like eating for me,” is more or less what he said. “It’s just something I do.” 

I think he’s right. In the times of my life when I read less, it was, indeed when I made it a special activity. I had to be in a café or other cozy environment. I had to have a cup of tea. I had to have at least an hour to dedicate to reading. 

This is just not feasible every day — at least not for me, and probably not for most people. 

To make reading a daily habit, some people suggest you “stack” it with other habits so it’s baked into your routine. This doesn’t work for me, either. I am not a robot; my days are often very different from one to the next, and I can’t always commit to reading when I wake up or before bed or during lunch. 

So instead of trying to set the perfect conditions for reading, be it in a cozy café or a morning ritual, I just make sure to read every day. Even just a little. Even for five minutes. I just do it. 

We can all do this. Just like we all adopted the habit of reaching for our phones (and social media) whenever we have a moment of downtime, we can make it a habit to reach for a book. (It’s free.) 

Always keep a book with you

This is crucial to making reading an everyday habit. After all, why do we reach for social media whenever we have a moment of downtime? Because the phone is always there. 

What if a book were always there, too? 

I keep one in my bag and never leave the house without it. (The few times I haven’t, I find, are always when I wish I had it.) Then, it is always easy to make reading something you do every day because there is (almost) always some point in the day when you are waiting for something. The bus. In the grocery line. At the dentist’s office. At school pick-up. At the restaurant before your friend arrives. 

Remember, the key is to not wait for a long moment. Five minutes is enough. Just pull out your book; it’s waiting for you right where you left off. 

Read with other people

I joined a book club this year. It’s my first. And I’ve already read more books this year than I have the last. 

There have been a lot of positive effects of joining a book club, but mostly, it’s been making me finish books faster. Rather than juggling multiple books at once, getting distracted, and sometimes losing the momentum altogether when life gets busy, knowing I have a book club meeting on the calendar keeps me focused. 

It’s also made me read more, quantitatively. Alongside the selection for the club, I have my own reading list I’m interested in, so I’m actually reading double time. 

Besides, being a part of a book club is just fun. There’s probably already one where you live. If not, there are many online these days. Or if you’re trying to live a more analog life without defaulting to the Internet for everything, you can just start one. Truly. The book club I’m a part of was just started by a woman who had a stack of books she wanted to read and needed some commitment to keep her going. You can do it, too. 

Try different genres

One thing that is very pretentious about me is (or was) my reading taste. 

For many years, I went through this phase where I felt I could only read books about history or political science; if I did read novels, they had to be “literature.” Unsurprisingly, I was reading less than I ever had before, for while War and Peace is certainly an interesting and worthwhile read, it’s not exactly a page-turner. 

But about two years ago, I made a pointed effort to change. I rediscovered novels and reading with “no point” — that is, not to learn something but just to enjoy it. And what do you know? My numbers went up. I started reading again daily because I was gripped by the story and had to find out what happened. I still like reading about history (biographies, actually, are my favorite thing to read), but I no longer restrict myself to titles I think will help me better myself. (Any kind of reading, I’ve decided, helps you better yourself.) 

So explore. Find out what kinds of books you like. Try something new. Some of the best I’ve read this year are: Yellowface, Careless People, Waiting for Bojangles, and This Rescue Thing. Some of my all-time favorites are: Desperate Romantics, Magnificent Obsession, The Crucible, and The Picture of Dorian Gray.

If you’re ambitious (or just want to feel like you’re making progress soon), try one of these books short enough to read in a day. I also love reading memoirs; these I find particularly inspiring. Or sometimes we’re simply in a mood where we need to read and sit quietly with our existential dread.

Finally, newspapers are a great way to get back into reading. This is why I’ve started reading the printed newspaper again.

And if you’re pretentious too (or perhaps just interested in supporting small businesses, workers’ rights, and the environment), don’t forget there are alternatives to Amazon for books.

One more thing: Making reading a habit is easier when you quit social media or at least scale back. 

The post How to Make Reading a Habit appeared first on A Merry Loner.

I was aware of the intense luxury of the moment. After graduating, I knew a full-time desk job would leave no space for leisurely afternoon reading. But I didn’t know reading the physical newspaper would prove so refreshing. 

These days, I’ve traded the daily “Wall Street Journal,” filter coffee out of a styrofoam cup, and South Kingstown, Rhode Island for “Le Monde,” a double espresso, and Paris. As expected, I no longer have time to read the entire paper every day. But I’ve slowly been turning on friends to the dying art of reading the print newspaper. (Really, isn’t it already dead?) Here’s why: 

Discover topics you wouldn’t ordinarily follow

This is the number-one thing I love about reading the physical newspaper cover to cover. Unlike websites, apps, or — God forbid — social media feeds where it’s too easy to simply scroll the headlines without really reading anything, the physical pages of a newspaper keep your eyes (and mind) focused on what’s in front of you. 

Not to mention the lack of algorithms. Yes, of course there are still editors, agendas, and other tastemakers (some more nefarious than others) deciding what makes it to print. But unlike an algorithm that’s designed to reinforce your existing beliefs and feed you sensationalism to make your blood boil, a printed newspaper gives the same story to everyone, no matter what other content you’ve engaged with before. 

That means in a single sitting, I can cover art, politics, culture, and finance, reading entire articles on subjects I’d normally scroll by without a second glance. 

Free yourself from pop-up ads and paywalls

That alone is a compelling reason to pick up a newspaper instead of your phone. Sure, a newspaper still has ads. But no matter which page you’re on, there’s nothing physically obstructing your view of the text, unlike digital articles riddled with pop-up ads, ceaseless notifications, and, worst of all, abominable audio ads.

The same goes for pesky paywalls. You’ve already paid for the paper. Rather than having your data mined and your soul all but sold to God knows whom, buying a newspaper is a clean, transparent transaction: You pay for the paper. You get the paper. You can read the paper in peace without any notifications accosting you with solicitations to subscribe, click, or do anything but read the damn thing.

Get a break from the screen and constant notifications

I’m always looking for ways to add more quiet into my daily life, and I’ve found a general rule of thumb that rarely fails: get away from the screen. 

“But I want to be informed,” you may protest. “I don’t want to shut out the world and become a hermit.” 

Not a good enough excuse, my friend. The Internet is not necessary to be a well-read, informed person. There’s plenty to discover offline in the pages of the daily newspaper. And guess what? Once you’ve exhausted today’s edition, there’s more coming tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that. 

Keep writing alive

Like much else in life, you get what you pay for. If you want quality reporting, vibrant storytelling, and intellectuals to earn a respectable wage, the money has to come from somewhere. 

I get it. Life is crushingly expensive, and it seems there’s no respite in sight. But your local library definitely carries newspapers for free. Your local coffee shop might, too. (If not, why not make a friendly suggestion? The worst they can say is no. Plus, chatting up your local barista is a great way to practice putting yourself out there.)

Bottom line, our purchases literally fund the world we live in. If you want more free press and more jobs for creative thinkers, start reading the daily paper.

Going offline and living well

I’m a big advocate for living an analog life. The research is there; we know the Internet (and social media, in particular) is making us sad, lonely, anxious, envious — the list goes on. Reading the newspaper, even once a week, is a step towards building healthier habits to make life better. And it’s easy. 

If the dark caverns of the Internet are still eating a lot of your free time, this is what helped me quit social media for good.

There are alternatives to the default way of living. You don’t have to do anything, especially lose time to doomscrolling and headline-skimming. 

For more ways to fund the kind of world you want to live in, read easy, affordable ways to support local businesses and alternatives to Amazon for books.

The post Why It’s Worth Reading the Newspaper Again appeared first on A Merry Loner.

Even if we’re fortunate enough to sleep in a warm bed, walk safely down the street, and fill our cups with preferred food and drink, we are not in the clear. Family troubles await us, as do friendship complications, work stresses, school anxieties, financial worries. 

The troubling thing about troubles is that almost anything can become troublesome. 

What are we to do in such moments? How can we pull ourselves out of a slump when there is no one there to lift us up? Even when family and friends abound, sometimes, the troubles still gnaw at us from within. What then? How do we get through a difficult time? 

Some turn to God, others to science, others to the Internet or the advice of a know-it-all or at least a well-meaning friend. Helpful resources, these may be, but even the best external balms can do little to cure inner wounds. 

Yes, luck often plays a rather large hand in dealing our share of particular woes. Some are born into money; others, beauty. Still others, an unteachable charisma that works as a magic key for getting a promotion, finding true love, or getting upgraded on every flight. But anyone who’s ever read a children’s book or even mediocre literature knows that neither money nor beauty nor fame can buy happiness. 

Because happiness is a lot like troubles: It comes from within. 

So when life is troubling you, fate seems against you, and Lady Luck is never on your side, don’t let yourself despair for too long, for you have a trick up your sleeve no one can match: you. 

1 Find comfort in knowing your problems aren’t unique

We valorize the word “unique,” but sometimes there’s a great relief in knowing we are but one among many. 

This doesn’t mean our troubles are insignificant; it means they are surmountable. If other people decades prior and oceans away have faced the same troubles that keep us awake tonight, then, surely, we, too, can overcome them. 

“How will I pay rent next month?” “Am I going to end up alone?” “When will they notice me?” 

Much of human strife can be categorized thusly: worrying about money, love, or a greater sense of purpose. Yet as we ourselves face existential dread, it’s as if we are the very first to feel its weight. No one’s ever faced such an ordeal before us nor suffered a heartbreak like ours. No one’s ever been so without hope.

But, more often than not, our problems are not unique. Somewhere in the expanse of time and space, someone else has, is, or will feel their heart break as ours is, lose a loved one, cringe from embarrassment, get let down. 

Accepting that our troubles are, in many ways, commonplace doesn’t deny us the right to feel them deeply, but it can help us face them with a calmer perspective. If others have so suffered and prevailed, we can, too. 

2 Remind yourself that nothing lasts forever

For better or for worse, nothing lasts forever.

In good times, I rewrite this motto in my journal to remind myself to appreciate the people, places, and treasures around me. Friends I’m now close with who, one day, will no longer be part of my everyday life — not because we’ll have a falling out or lose that unspoken fondness for each other, but because life will simply march on. Coffee dates that now seem ordinary will become fond memories of the past. Blurry photos from blurry Friday nights will become hazy relics we blow the dust off of every few months. Then every few years. Then less and less often until most fade from our storytelling repertoire. 

The same motto serves me when times are tough, for every bout of depression I’ve lived, every lonely season, every year without much purpose or many friends, each has turned out to be but a brief period in the grand scheme of life that one day met its natural end. I discovered new faces, changed locations, explored new hobbies, and sooner or later, found the light again. 

Each time, it was waiting right around the corner. Though there was no hint of a new relationship about to bloom or an evening that would warm my soul for weeks, still, they came. All on their own, the good times simply came.

3 Confide in someone (it doesn’t even have to be a friend)

It is inexplicably easier, sometimes, to pour our hearts out to a stranger than it is to a trusted friend. 

Talking to a friend, somehow, gives permanence to our words and, by extension, our troubles. We will surely see them again, and a considerate friend will surely follow up on our confessions. A stranger, less so. 

Of course, a stranger isn’t always prepared to listen. But every now and then, fate strikes. An acquaintance at a party makes that secret part of you that never could reveal itself before feel seen. You never meet them again, but as they leave, they take a heavy weight from your shoulders with them. 

Or maybe you stumble into a conversation at the corner coffee shop. There’s an elderly woman who drinks plain black coffee and is too far removed from modern day to understand your stresses about spreadsheets or the young person’s dating hellscape. But she listens. She nods in the right places and gives you a smile that, for the first time in a while, doesn’t feel like someone’s obligatory pleasantry. You leave with your cappuccino and, for the first time in a while, optimism. 

4 Return to the real world (that is, the one offline)

When going through a difficult time, it’s easy to assume everyone else is walking on a cloud. After all, what do they have to be concerned about? They haven’t the stresses you do: the taxing job, the hair that doesn’t cooperate, the disappointing bank account, the nonexistent love life. 

But if looking in the mirror is difficult, peering out the window isn’t going to help. 

So close the curtains — that is, the curtains to the screen. Stop looking at social media. Stop romanticizing strangers’ lives and critiquing your own. Stop imagining how buoyant and beautiful you’d be if you could just buy something new. Stop feeding the beast that tells you what you have isn’t enough. 

Above all, stop turning to the screen to try to drown yourself out: scrolling in the grocery line, looping background music while you cook, shoving a podcast in your ears the moment you step outside, anything so you don’t have to face a moment of silence with your own thoughts. 

In difficult times, escapism is a tempting reprieve, but it is temporary. Finding peace requires coming home to ourselves. 

Making it through hard times starts with coming back to yourself

Wherever you go, there you are. No matter where we run, what we consume, or how we try to numb ourselves to our realities, there is no escaping what lies within. Though confronting the inner angst, loneliness, disappointment, or resentment that may be eating you is daunting on a good day, flight is no path to contentment. It takes you and you alone to get there. 

Getting off social media and silencing the voices that distract, confuse, and belittle me has made it easier for me to listen to myself and weather the difficult times. Going cold turkey, however, isn’t for everyone. This is how I quit social media and brought more calm back to my life. 

For another perspective, see how my dear friend Shelby DiNoble took a step back from social media and, in doing so, what he learned about himself. 

Now when the difficult times make a reappearance (as they always do), I seek beauty to ease my spirit. These poems about new beginnings are a favorite I pull from my bookshelf often. For really low moments when I want to remind myself it’s never too late to turn things around, one of these quotes about feeling alone is ready with its wisdom.  

The post How to Get Through a Difficult Time appeared first on A Merry Loner.

Where is the calm? In hiding, waiting for you to unearth it and protect it like a timid fallen sparrow. 

A year or so ago, I reached my limit for what felt like everything. Too many texts. Too many emails. Too much noise. Not enough space for myself to think, uninfluenced. So I introduced more quiet into my daily life, and the effects have been blissful. This is what I did: 

Live without constant background music

It is everywhere these days. The library, I think, is the only establishment left that doesn’t pipe music into the ether every minute of the day. 

I play the piano, the guitar, and the flute. I carefully transported my record player (a prized treasure since high school) across the Atlantic to settle into my Parisian apartment. It needn’t be affirmed that music is a balm for the soul and an important daily companion for many of us. But I’ve learned it should be a companion we seek out, not an overbearing busybody who won’t give us a moment alone. 

Now when I’m walking to work, grocery shopping, or just unwinding at home, I don’t default to music. Instead of seeing silence as some frightening void I must rush to clog up, I savor it. More than that, I savor the daydreams and reflections to which only silence can send me. 

Read more than you watch

The temptation to sit and empty our minds and live vicariously is hard to fight, especially when fatigue or boredom come calling. At the end of the day, I, too, appreciate giving my mind a rest with a big bowl of popcorn and the antics of my favorite characters. 

But I realized I was leaning on these supports too often, even when my mind wasn’t tired and didn’t need a rest. Maybe I was procrastinating or trying to quiet anxious thoughts or simply bored. In any case, ending a binging or scrolling session rarely made me feel better. Instead, it introduced comparison, self-critique, anger about the state of the world, or the desire to buy something I before didn’t think I needed. 

Reading doesn’t torment me in the same way. It quiets the anxious swirl in my mind, forces me to slow down, and gives my eyes and soul a break from the frantic energy of the screen. 

I’ve never closed a book thinking I’m not pretty enough or smart enough or really need to run off and buy something. 

Sleep with your phone in airplane mode (and turn off as many notifications as possible)

I once read, “My phone is supposed to be a convenience for me, not for others.” Those are now the words I live by. No more do I wake up to a deluge of notifications that immediately spikes my cortisol and sets my mind reeling with my first morning breath. Instead, I check my phone in the morning when I’m ready to, after having exercised, showered, dressed, and stepped into the sunlight to begin the day. 

Nothing bad has happened, and no message has proven so dire it couldn’t wait for me. My phone is a tool I use to make my life easier; it dictates my daily rhythm no more.

During the day, meanwhile, I’ve significantly limited the number of notifications that make it to my screen. While I cherish the contact I maintain with long-term friends and faraway family, I do not believe I need to drop everything, physically and mentally, because someone somewhere had a thought. It can wait until I’m ready. 

So away with notifications that break my attention from the present and the physical to the faroff and the digital. Away with alerts that tell me about upcoming sales. Away with everything that steals my focus and tricks me into thinking what happens on the screen is more important than what happens in front of me. 

Take a break offline

Unfortunately, the Internet has become a hardened reflex for many of us. When there is a free moment or we have to wait in line for more than three minutes, the screen is the default. There is always some reason to justify it. We’re just “checking in.” It’s for work. We’re catching up on the news. 

The only thing that’s catching is the sorry habit of running away from ever sitting in the quiet of your own thoughts. Stop running from yourself. 

When you need to take a short break from a work task or you’re waiting in line for coffee, train yourself to stop reaching for the phone. I keep a pack of cards at my desk and play a few games of Solitaire when I need to clear my mind between tasks. I stand up and stretch for five minutes. I play a couple songs on the guitar. If I’m at the office, I’ll set a timer for ten minutes and doodle or go and sit outside. If I’m in line somewhere, I challenge myself to just be. There needn’t be an activity for me to pursue every minute of the day. 

Sometimes, I mess up. In my stress, I reach for the phone. I look at things I don’t need. I scroll with no point. And I always put down the phone more harried and wired than before, now with guilt and self-disgust layered on top.

Solitaire and doodling, on the other hand, have never done me dirty. 

Stop constantly stimulating and distracting yourself. Learn to just be with yourself. 

Being alone is, for some reason, quite unsettling for a lot of people. We feel we must be busy. We must be talking to someone. We must never be bored. I believe this is slowly killing us.

Being plugged in all the time keeps our bodies on high alert, depriving us of any prolonged calm and relaxation. It makes us constantly weigh our lives, our successes, our have-nots against someone else’s, or, more likely, the illusion of someone else’s life that we’re certain is easier and more fulfilling than our own. 

Worse still, when we never allow quiet into our days, we deny ourselves access to the one thing truly responsible for our own happiness: ourselves. 

Friends, family, pets, travel — the list of external pleasures is endless. But they can only do so much to really fill us up if they’re not founded on an already solid ground of inner contentment. Running from the quiet of sitting with ourselves makes that contentment ever harder to find. 

Learn why spending intentional, undistracted time alone with yourself is good for your mind and your relationships. If that seems difficult, see four ways to help you learn to enjoy your own company. 

Appreciating intentional solitude is easier when the entire world isn’t trying to distract you. See 34+ ideas of what to do instead of social media, whether you’re eating, commuting, waiting in line, or simply bored. If you’d like to work towards quitting social media altogether, here’s what worked for me.

The post How to Find More Quiet in Daily Life appeared first on A Merry Loner.

That’s why I love getting a peek into someone else’s life to remind myself that the world is largely made up of people who differ from me in the kinds of families that surround them, the challenges (and advantages) they encounter, and the dreams they chase. I especially appreciate the nudge to remember that life isn’t linear and there are a lot of different ways to build yours. 

Here are five memoirs I’ve read over the years that made me think differently: 

This Rescue Thing by Penny Allen

It’s not often one gets to buy a book directly from the author’s hands at a private dinner, but that’s where I ended up last winter. 

Allen and I both belong to the Phi Beta Kappa Paris chapter, which is how I scored an invitation to a reading of her memoir at Café de la Mairie in the 6th arrondissement. It was an hour-long reading  performed by the highly impressive Mona la liseuse who read aloud a series of extracts, creating an essentially abridged version of the memoir. 

It’s set in late 20th-century Paris, where Allen is working a stressful desk job. Interspersed among the present day are flashbacks to her life on the West Coast when she mingled with a troop of bohemians, including the scene-stealing, provocative Sansan, her version of that friend we all have who is so mesmerizing they become the object of the entire friend group’s infatuation, despite (or perhaps because of) their unusual mannerisms. After years of barely any contact, Allen receives a fax (yes, a fax) from Thailand with a cryptic message and a plea for help from Sansan, kicking off her journey to Asia to help her friend escape from what she describes as a mental asylum slash prison. 

Allen’s true story takes us back to life before ubiquitous Internet and smartphones and prods you to ponder a timeless question: What are you capable of when life demands it? 

Dinner for Vampires by Bethany Joy Lenz

I’ve never watched One Tree Hill, the cult 2000s TV show that made Bethany Joy Lenz famous, but that didn’t make her memoir any less binge-worthy. 

The big pop culture intrigue that made Lenz’s 2024 book a staple on Internet must-read lists is the juicy reveal that she was in a cult — a real, honest-to-goodness, let’s-all-live-in-the-same-house religious cult called “The Big House Family.” A shudder-inducing name. 

But this memoir goes further than satisfying fans’ taste for Hollywood gossip. Actually, celebrity fodder is in rather short supply here. Instead, what you get is a walk in the shoes of a smart, kind, creative person who, step by imperceptible step, unknowingly falls into the clutches of a manipulative tribe, losing millions of dollars and years of her life along the way. 

And then she walked back out. Though accidentally joining a cult may seem far removed from most of our realities (hopefully), Lenz’s story proves that disentangling yourself from someone else’s influence, reclaiming your independence, and rebuilding your life, no matter how lost to others it may feel, is always still possible. 

My Story by Ingrid Bergman

In college, I went through a big Old Hollywood phase, mainly reading a lot of biographies about Marilyn Monroe and watching Audrey Hepburn and Grace Kelly movies. After seeing Casablanca, I jumped to read Ingrid Bergman’s memoir. Little did I know of the drama that awaited me.

This is the short version: After years reigning as America’s sweetheart star of cinema, Bergman began an affair with her Italian director while filming Stromboli — despite her marriage to a Swedish neurosurgeon. Instantly, she became America’s public enemy number one, with Senator Edwin C. Johnson even lambasting her on the Senate floor as “a powerful influence for evil” and an “apostle of degradation.” Her male contemporaries, of course, who were open womanizers and cheaters received no such titles.

Decades after the scandal faded (and Bergman came back to win her second Academy Award for Best Actress in Anastasia), she published  her autobiography with the final word on her story. Even those of us living outside the spotlight can appreciate Bergman’s resilience. We may face criticism and mean-spirited judgment from colleagues, frenemies, or unappreciative family members, but those comments needn’t be the final say on who we are. 

Dolly by Dolly Parton

Is there a more lovable public figure than Dolly Parton? At a time when everyone seems to hate each other, Dolly is one icon the country can truly rally around. (Case in point: A recent poll dubbed her the most beloved public figure in America.) 

And she’s been beloved by audiences for decades. As her 1994 memoir recounts, Parton grew up near the Great Smoky Mountains in Tennessee before blossoming into the multi-hyphenate (singer, songwriter, actress, philanthropist, and businesswoman) who’s still moving at full force today. I don’t think it’s her long-running success that’s made her a crowd favorite, though, but her incredible philanthropy and kindness, e.g., helping fund COVID-19 vaccine research and delivering free books to children via her Imagination Library. 

Her commitment to living unabashedly as herself is also noteworthy. Her signature flamboyant style has been the subject of media discussion for years, but that’s what she likes. Her husband has famously avoided the spotlight despite her supernova celebrity, but that’s never stopped her from performing. Six decades after the release of her debut album, Parton is still chugging along in the same spangled ensembles, proving that being yourself and flexing your creative muscles has no age limit. 

Paris Nights by Cliff Simon

I read this book in 2016, just a few months before I took off to Rennes, France for a semester abroad. At 20 years old, it was my first international flight and first time living on my own, so actor Cliff Simon’s memoir about his own one-year sejour in Paris was the perfect reading material for my journey across the pond. 

Inside, we see how one serendipitous phone call took the South African actor from Johannesburg to Paris, where he played out a year-long gig dancing at the Moulin Rouge. And Simon delivers on the antics you’d want to hear about life in pre-Internet Paris: jumping between night clubs, dodging street fights, and even accidentally cavorting with diamond smugglers. 

What I like most about Simon’s memoir is learning that his year at the Moulin Rouge was just one drop in the bucket. Originally training as a swimmer and gymnast, then becoming a soldier, then shifting through various odd jobs before settling into a career of dancing and acting, Simon’s life was unpredictable and ever-changing. When things don’t seem to be going right or they just feel too stagnant, this book reminds that there lie lots of unexpected twists around the corner. You just have to be prepared to say yes to them. 

What moral would your memoir teach? 

Every now and then, I like to zoom out and view my life from a birds’-eye view. Decades from now, what tales will I be able to tell? 

It’s an interesting practice to stoke one’s ambition but also one’s patience, offering some perspective that whatever you’re living right now — for better or for worse — will, at some point, no longer be. 

What story do you want to leave behind you?

Read how to put yourself out there for three ways to help you build that extraordinary life. Then, learn how to get better at doing things alone so you can build the inner peace and confidence to get there without waiting on someone else to join you. 

And for your reading list: four books on traveling alone to feed your wanderlust.

The post Memoirs to Remind You What’s Possible appeared first on A Merry Loner.

It’s obvious that putting yourself out there can help you land an interview for a slightly less soul-sucking way to pay your bills or finally put you in touch with your soulmate so you can bid adieu to dating apps forever. But it simply makes the days more joyful, too. When you get over your social anxiety long enough to tell that stranger in the coffee line that you like their shoes, don’t you both smile and hate humanity less, even for a few seconds? 

I know it’s not easy for everyone to put themselves out there, especially for introverts or those whose childhood report cards never earned the “takes initiative” stamp in the teacher comments. But if you don’t learn how to muster up the courage to put yourself out there, your life is going to end up passing you by while you sit around waiting for people, opportunities, and, dare I say, happiness to come find you. 

What I learned about putting myself out there 

After graduating college, I moved to the capital city of my home state. It wasn’t far from where I grew up; still, I had only one vague acquaintance who lived there, leaving me with barely any social network to cling to. I knew if I didn’t want a repeat of my college years (which, admittedly, were not the highlight of my life), I needed to do something to build a world around me that gave me the life I wanted. 

I knew it wasn’t always going to be fun. People weren’t going to line up and knock on the door to ask to be my friend. I was going to have to make the first moves. 

In the end, I lived in that city for two years. I had a big social network with many layers of acquaintances, side characters, and friendly neighborhood faces to add variety to my inner circle and color to my Friday nights. 

This is what I learned about putting myself out there and becoming an active player in my own life:

You have to get over the fear of being the first one to reach out. 

Relationships don’t spring up from nowhere. Someone has to make the first move, and if you’re not content to let others run your life for you, that someone should be you. 

Yes, you can wait on other people to reach out to you. But they’re probably just as nervous as you are. If both of you keep cowering in your respective corners waiting for the other to take the first step forward, you’re never going to meet. 

Plus, do you want to leave the direction of your life in strangers’ hands? Do you want to actively choose the people you hang out with (and possibly become romantically entangled with)? Or are you fine with just accepting whomever comes along and falls in your lap? 

There’s no secret key to confidence here. One day, you just have to pull the trigger and start practicing, one baby step after another. 

Signing up for a social event is a great place to start. But sorry, that’s not enough. You don’t make friendships just by showing up to local trivia night. You have to go further, i.e., exchange numbers with someone (ideally, multiple someones) and then text them afterwards to invite them out for a coffee or drink. 

It will be awkward sometimes. Some people will ghost you. But you’re a big person, and you can handle this. (Short people can handle this, too.) Over time, reaching out first will become easier and less scary. And sooner or later, something (or someone) will stick. 

Practice putting yourself out there this week with A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge. For seven days, you’ll get an email a day with one bite-size challenge to help you practice doing things alone in public so you can get more comfortable putting yourself out there. 

You can’t take it personally when things don’t work out. 

Sadly, life is not just one string of amazing successes after the other. 

People will sometimes be rude to you for no reason. On some occasions, you will say the wrong thing. On others, you will say the right thing, but you still won’t hit it off with everybody. 

It happens. It’s unavoidable. So stop letting yourself get all worked up when you shoot your shot and fall flat on your face. 

Instead, when someone ghosts you, insults you, or otherwise disappoints you, remember: You can just move on. You don’t owe them an explanation, and you don’t always need closure. You can simply call it a day and move on with your life. 

Similarly, if you put yourself out there, think someone likes you, but still end up cast aside or left out, do not use this experience as a catalyst to re-examine your self worth. Sometimes, it just be like that. After all, have you liked every single person you’ve ever met? Of course not, so why should other people? They’re allowed preferences, too. You can both be, individually, great people; you just don’t belong together. 

It helps to pretend you’re already who you want to be. 

I’ve been doing this, almost subconsciously, since I was a teenager.

High school was not a golden time for me. I had great friends, impressive grades, and a stacked extracurriculars list ready for college applications (field hockey captain, yearbook editor, honor council secretary, you name it). But for a variety of reasons that will remain undisclosed, I didn’t often feel happy. As many others probably did (I now realize), I felt like I didn’t fit in and was constantly imagining who I could be and what my life could look like if I were simply somewhere else. 

I escaped by reading. Off the pages, I became the protagonist in my own coming-of-age novel. There, I was not schlepping around a Hawaiian-flower-print L.L. Bean backpack, stressing out about my Honors English class, or flipping through fashion magazines alone at lunchtime. I was a budding writer, hatching the first draft of what would become the Next Great American Novel. Or I was a still-undiscovered future starlet, giving an indie performance from the trunk of her used minivan after class. Or whatever other character I was playing that day.  

I wasn’t trying to be someone I wasn’t. But strangely, by playing out those stories in my head, I grew the confidence to experiment with what felt right for me and to keep working towards the person I wanted to be.

That meant when a group of boys called me names while walking by my locker or when some girls found an ingenious way of simultaneously excluding me and being polite, I didn’t let those moments alter the way I thought about myself. Instead, I held onto the vision of the person I wanted to be and acted like I already was her.

Putting yourself out there is the only way to create the life you want. 

I’ve achieved things I hadn’t even considered to dream because I found the confidence to put myself out there and become an active player in my life. 

As a full-time freelance writer who walked away from corporate life, I would have no work, no clients, and no money if I didn’t get comfortable introducing myself to strangers, sending the first email, or following up on what feels like a dead end. 

As an American living in France for almost five years, I never would have become fluent in the language if I hadn’t been willing to embarrass myself and muscle through difficult situations. 

As someone about to celebrate their fourth wedding anniversary, I wouldn’t have learned how fun being married can be if I hadn’t found the courage (and had a couple of gin and tonics) to tell my now husband, then long-time friend, how I felt. 

Though times may feel difficult, there is still much opportunity to bring beauty into your life. Don’t waste time hoping to be discovered. Do what it takes to put yourself where you want to be.  

For courage to push yourself to try something new, read these short poems about new beginnings. If it’s friendship you seek to help you bear the weight of what it takes to be human, learn how spending more time alone can, paradoxically, help you get more comfortable meeting new people. 

If you feel like you’re putting yourself out there but nothing is sticking, keep the faith. These quotes about feeling alone remind us we’re each steering our own ship and are each capable of creating our own peace. 

The post How to Put Yourself Out There appeared first on A Merry Loner.

Certainly, there are people to whom we feel we can say anything, people who seem to understand our thoughts and intentions by grace of some unnamed, intangible force, sometimes even before we ourselves are aware of what’s forming within. But even they take our time and attention (no matter how willing we are to give it) away from our own internal dialogue. And we need this internal dialogue to work through new ideas, experiment freely, and decide for ourselves what we think, value, and feel. 

Our internal dialogues are something to be preserved. And like all good things in life, sometimes ensuring that preservation means fighting for it. 

But how to do so without leaving a bruise? How can we ask for space in a relationship? From dear friends who have softer boundaries for personal space than we do? From family members, who may mean well, but seem to have forgotten that we have grown up into adults with different temperaments, wills, and wishes than those that defined us in adolescence? From romantic partners who may have been taught, through no fault of their own, that codependency is the proof of a loving relationship? 

Answering these questions raises another yet another: Whose feelings are more worth protecting? 

Do we stifle our own need for space and solitude because we dub these needs somehow less vital than those of another to be near us, talk to us, touch us? Do we put what we feel is our duty to honor other people’s needs over the duty we owe to ourselves? 

Building our compassion is a noble goal. We don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings; we don’t want to make them feel neglected or unloved. We want to be a considerate human being, capable of putting ourselves in another’s shoes. But in practicing empathy, we sometimes go too far, walking so long in someone else’s shoes that we forget how to find our own way back home. 

It’s a path that can quickly lead to resentment. Resentment for having always, or at least too often, prioritized the needs of our partner over our own; for having submitted to our family’s wishes because we fear disappointing them; for having deferred to the decisions of our friend group, silencing our own opinions for want of keeping the peace. 

But how can we really form our own opinions if we never give ourselves the time and space to sit with just ourselves? To pay attention to our own thoughts, unclouded and uninfluenced by someone else’s? How can we learn to be our pure selves if we’re always role-playing friend, sister, partner, father, co-worker, brother, mother? 

It’s worth asking oneself: “Who are you without the personalities you’ve built by association? When all of the people for whom you play these roles are gone, who is the you that’s left?”

That’s the you only you can meet when you clear the space to meet them. 

Clearing that space takes, quite honestly, courage to ask for what we need. Rather, not ask, but firmly, though politely, insist. Politely because — despite the torrent of self-help manifestos that encourage us to set boundaries and profess our own beliefs so loudly that we close ourselves off to the words of anyone who may have exhibited the slightest indications of perhaps having the chance to disagree with us — it takes two people to maintain a relationship. Politely because advocating for oneself does not have to come at the expense of someone else’s wellbeing. Politely because we may want a little more space in our relationship, but we do not need to sacrifice said relationship to get it. Politely because as a songwriter once said, “Being good to people is a wonderful legacy to leave behind.” 

So we insist on that space, firmly though politely. That may look like, telling one’s partner that we need a little quiet time to ourselves after coming home from work, that those thirty minutes of solitude are by no means a rejection but a simple moment of introspective recharging; explaining to one’s parents that we are happy to share an evening meal with them but that we cannot partake in such a meal if they drop by sans invitation, sans announcement; letting a friend know that we value their closeness but we cannot respond to every message within ten minutes of receiving it. 

It’s not always easy to ask for what we want. The task is even more difficult when we are unsure of what we need to feel less stressed and more fulfilled. We can begin the hard but glorious work of seeking those answers by dedicating regular time to intentional solitude, time we reserve exclusively for ourselves, without scrolling, music, or even books to occupy us. It’s only in this sacred space that we can hear ourselves, learn about ourselves, and eventually use those learnings to become a better person, for both ourselves and all the people we love.  

Read six benefits of solitude and why intentional solitude is getting harder to come by. Learn why embracing this intentional alone time can actually help us meet new people and make new friends. And for an antidote to the poison Big Tech has pumped into our veins over the last fifteen-odd years, find strategies to help you quit social media so you can make space for intentional solitude. 

Lest we forget, dedicating time for intentional solitude is never meant to come at the expense of building and maintaining meaningful relationships; healthy alone time is, in fact, necessary to form relationships that aren’t simply a means of avoiding ourselves. Ensuring that alone time means asking for space in a relationship, sometimes even from people we love. 

If our loved ones seem unwilling, unable, or unsure how to fill this new time without us, help them learn how to enjoy their own company and how to get better at doing things alone. Better yet, give them the gift of finding comfort in their own company with this seven-day exercise on overcoming loneliness. 

The post How to Ask for Space from People You Love appeared first on A Merry Loner.

September is the ninth month of the year, but for many, brings the same refreshing feeling of January. Perhaps it’s the smell of fresh notebooks, new class schedules, and first-day-of-school outfits that lingers in our minds and makes the end of the summer feel like a beginning. But sometimes, we get the urge to start anew on a Wednesday. Or in July. Or at two o’clock in the afternoon when we’ve had a very disagreeable morning and want to restart the clock to try to win back those lost, grumpy hours. 

A few deep breaths can help. A short walk to the corner and back can bring an entirely new perspective. Sometimes, simply brewing a fresh cup of coffee, cracking your knuckles, and opening to a clean page in a book or notepad can trick our minds into starting the day anew. 

It’s not always just the morning hours we wish we could take back, though. It’s the entire week, the last few months, or, when our spirits are particularly low and tomorrow feels more like an obligation than an opportunity, it’s the last several years that have been weighing us down, tethered to the ankles. 

How to set ourselves free? How to, despite everything, start again? 

Poetry can help. 

During my college years when melancholy trailed me like cigarette fumes, I found solace in leftover napkins, corners of newspapers (for I used to luxuriate in the free time of a college student by reading the newspaper cover to cover every day at eleven o’clock, accompanied only by a toasted bagel with cream cheese and a black coffee), and torn-out, crinkled notepads. I wrote away the malaise, releasing it from me in a disjointed anthology of mediocre poems thrown together in between classes, during classes, at coffee shops, and even in the car when I would hurry to pull into the nearest parking lot to preserve an idea. In a way, those poems preserved me, or at least the me who was ailing, and in capturing her inky ponderings, those poems set the new me free. 

“Professional” poems (what I call those published and printed in a book for mass-market sale) helped set the new me free, too. 

During difficult times, my melancholy introduced me to  Charles Bukowski, Molière and my beloved, dreamy William Butler Yeats. Their works fed the melancholy, helped it steep and simmer until I felt ready enough to let it go. But it was Joy Sullivan who spooned me an all-together new kind of elixir that tasted like optimism, more like a soup, really, the kind of broth over which someone labors for hours, one spoonful of which is enough to soothe the sorest throat and deliver a week’s worth of bed rest in one warm gulp. 

Here are a few loving spoonfuls for you: 

And one big bowl: 

These extracts are from Instructions for Traveling West by Joy Sullivan, a collection of poems I read in one sitting in the bath one winter night, marinating in the memories of who I once was and who I’d become, trying to figure out what was still holding me back from outwardly being the me only I know me to be. 

And then I pulled the plug and watched the suds swirl away and decided that that evening was as good a time as any to start anew. 

I’ve since gifted my copy of Instructions for Traveling West to a friend and need to replace it. In the meantime, I keep a space on my shelf for these four books that soothe me when existential dread comes back to rear its ugly head. 

If you’re feeling the winds giving you a gentle nudge to start anew, see quotes about feeling alone to remind yourself that we are each steering our own ship and capable of reorienting our lives at any moment we choose. Traveling alone can help us determine where we want that ship to go; for cautious or new travelers, these books on traveling alone provide courage to set off. 

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The post Poems About New Beginnings for When You Need to Start Again appeared first on A Merry Loner.

It’s the tale as old as time: “I’m afraid I will die alone.” 

While such a worry often comes to us in more dire moments, like when a relationship dissolves or family ties begin to come undone, the fear of being alone also creeps its way into our everyday activities: going to a wedding alone; traveling alone; living alone; even celebrating Valentine’s Day alone.

When we compare our inner circle to that of those around us, it can sometimes feel embarrassingly small by comparison. Then that familiar pang of loneliness creeps in, and we’re quick to fill it with scrolling, watching, or consuming—content or otherwise. 

But there’s no reason to be afraid of being alone. If you step back from the screen, fake friends, and other mind-numbing distractions and learn how to truly enjoy your own company, you’ll uncover a new, calmer, more peaceful world, one where doing things alone feels comfortable instead of punishing. 

Though the silence may at first exacerbate feelings of loneliness, if you learn to sit with it instead of running to distractions, you’ll find you already have everything you need to be happy within you.

Here are six reasons why being alone is good for you and how it helps you live a more creative, fulfilling, connected life: 

Not comforting sitting alone with yourself? 

Learn how to find confidence and comfort in your own company with A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge.

The shortlist: 6 benefits of solitude that help you think clearly, create freely, and build more meaningful relationships

How spending time alone helps you: 

1. Think for yourself

2. Be more creative

3. Gain more confidence being yourself

4. Experiment and try new things

5. Build more meaningful relationships

6. Make new friends more easily

Plus, why intentional solitude is getting harder and harder to come by.

More popular posts on the Loner Mindset:

Why Being a Loner Helps You Make New Friends

Quotes About Feeling Alone to Remind Us We’re Each Steering Our Own Ship

How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone

6 reasons why being alone is good for you

The benefits of spending time alone go beyond helping you decompress from a day of overstimulation. 

Intentional solitude helps you think more clearly, live more creatively, and feel more confident. Over time, that confidence and comfort in your own company helps you build more meaningful relationships and make new friends more easily.

1. Think for yourself

It’s hard to know what you think when you’re constantly inundated with others’ opinions. 

When you spend time alone, you give yourself the mental space to reflect on your life, the world, and what you truly believe without depending on or being influenced by the ideas of others. 

And don’t beat yourself up for parroting your neighbor; it’s normal to do so.

In the 1950s, Polish-American social psychologist Solomon Asch conducted a series of conformity experiments where he examined people’s willingness to adopt an obviously incorrect belief due to social pressure. As summarized by EBSCO: “In the end, more than one-third of Asch’s test subjects conformed to the predominant, and incorrect, group answer.” 

Over 70 years later, a 2023 replication and extension of the Asch experiment published by PLoS One confirmed the original findings. 

Groupthink is a powerful force that few if any of us can evade entirely, but spending some time alone can help. 

From menial decisions, like deciding what to wear or what we really think of that new film everyone is talking about, to more grave concerns, like choosing who to vote for or where you stand on the latest political polemic, taking time to separate from your pack, look away from your algorithm, and tune out the voices around you gives you room to ponder, puzzle, and come to your own conclusions based on none other than your moral compass.

Not really sure what you think about the world (or yourself)? Get to know yourself better with these 7 books on self-awareness.

2. Be creative and come up with new ideas

For the same reason I can’t write an original sentence while reading another, I can’t develop a new idea while consuming another. 

What I consider one of the most important benefits of solitude is the space it affords you to daydream, experiment, and invent. 

The neuroscientists are on my side. 

In an interview for Stanford University’s Wu Tsai Neurosciences Institute, cognitive scientist Vinod Menon explains default mode network (DMN) and what happens when we let our minds wander: 

“The default mode network is a collection of brain areas that becomes active when we turn our attention inward. And it’s a network that generates your internal mental life, your memories, your sense of who you are, your plans and daydreams, and the ongoing inner narrative that reflects our own individual experiences.” 

Importantly, Menon stresses that “one of the key aspects of this system is that it’s actually suppressed during externally focused tension demanding tasks.” 

Essentially, when you give your brain a break from the constant stream of external stimuli our modern world subjects it to, it starts connecting ideas, memories, and experiences to lead you to original, creative insights. 

Perhaps this is why some of time’s most prolific writers, artists, and other creative minds have been described as recluse or solitary. Their proclivity to spend time alone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re anti-social or introverted but that they recognize it takes pointed time and space alone to think, dream, and create. 

Does sitting in your own company feel more stifling than inspiring? You can shift it. Learn how to enjoy your own company (and why it’s so important). 

3. Gain more confidence being yourself

Doing things alone has a hideous reputation. “Spend too much time alone,” people fearmonger, “and you’ll become a lonely, depressed, uncivilized hermit.” 

A study published in Nature begs to disagree. 

During a 21-day experiment, participants totaled how many hours they spent in solitude. The findings were thus: 

• Solitude doesn’t always lead to loneliness: People were lonelier and less satisfied on days when they spent more time alone, but this effect was reduced or disappeared “when daily solitude was autonomous,” i.e., chosen rather than forced.

• It supports a sense of autonomy: On days when people spent more time alone, they reported feeling less stress and greater autonomy satisfaction, feeling “volitional, authentic, and free from pressure.”

• There are long-term benefits to spending time alone: The benefits of solitude snowballed over time: “…those who spent more time alone across the span of the study were less stressed and more autonomy satisfied overall”—not lonelier. 

More alone time only translates to more loneliness when it’s unwanted. But when you choose to actively spend time alone with yourself, stress goes away and you feel more comfortable and confident being you. 

When we’re alone, the default is often to fill that empty space with social media. But imagine the places your imagination could take if you listened to it instead of your algorithm. These are the strategies that helped me learn how to quit social media.

4. Experiment and try new things

No matter how brash or confident one claims to be, trying something new is always tough, especially if you have an audience. 

What if you fail? What if you embarrass yourself? What if everyone remembers you for a buffoonish utterance you wish you could take back? 

Counterintuitively, it can feel even more nerve-wracking to try new things in front of people we know as opposed to a room full of strangers. If we experiment with reinventing ourselves, be it through new wardrobe choices, a change in social circles, or the simple trying on of a new habit, our inner circle is often the first the notice and interject unwelcome commentary: 

“Oh, you’ve changed your hair?” “Is that how you’re dressing now?” “Since when do you read and quote Kerouac?” 

Known social circles come with expectations and voices ready to question you if you deviate from the person they know you as.

Another one of the main benefits of solitude is the freedom and nonjudgmental comfort it provides to experiment and try new things. When you’re alone, there’s no audience (or judgment) to trail every experiment. You can try something new, fail, change your mind, and start over without anyone watching.

Research published in Metodo International backs up why being alone is good sometimes: 

“Solitude can minimize forms of intrusive self-consciousness by reducing the immediate demands of experiencing oneself as the object of another person’s thoughts and actions. Other studies have shown that people have decreased self-awareness when they are alone.”

In other words, solitude removes the social pressure and fear of public failure that often holds us back from trying new things, giving us the comfort to experiment and reinvent ourselves, sans external noise. 

If you’re simply at a loss of how to spend time alone without feeling anxious, lonely, or strange, just take baby steps. Read 5 simple ways to get better at doing things alone so you can start feeling confident and comfortable in your own company.

5. Build more intentional relationships

Ironically, another reason why being alone is good for you is that it helps you develop more intentional, genuine relationships. 

When you’re lonely, uncomfortable in your own company, and desperate for companionship, you’re more likely to strike up a relationship with someone just because they’re available. 

This goes for both platonic and romantic relationships. 

When you don’t have anything to do on Friday night but you feel anxious about staying home alone, you jump at the first invitation that comes along. You go to restaurants you don’t like; you spend money on drinks that don’t fill your cup; and you wake up the next morning feeling tired, like you wasted the evening, and lonelier than ever as you look back on last night’s sour memories. 

Chasing romance from a place of loneliness leads to similar if not more disastrous aftereffects. 

When you’re not comfortable being single, you jump from partner to partner—not because you’re having fun meeting new people and learning about yourself along the way but because you feel incapable of living alone, making your own decisions, and spending time with just yourself. You prefer to default to someone else and absorb their friends, routines, and habits so you don’t have to sit with yourself, explore what really makes you happy, or put the effort in to build a life of your own choosing. You may have developed a fondness for your partner over time, but it’s based on proximity and convenience, not real connection. 

Either way, when you avoid spending time alone with yourself and rush to fill every moment with a social engagement, you rob yourself of the chance to develop more meaningful relationships founded on a true desire to be with that person. Instead, you live your life with people who are simply there. 

Do you still feel lonely, even though you’re in a relationship? It’s not necessarily your partner’s fault. Read guest writer Janine Canillas’s personal story on why so many of us feel alone in our relationships (and how to fix it). 

6. Make new friends more easily

Everyone wants to make more friends, no matter how grouchy you may pretend to be. 

But it’s getting harder. 

Our individualist societies are becoming more and more pod-like. A 2025 survey from Pew Research Center shows 16% of all adults “feel lonely or isolated from those around them all or most of the time.” Worryingly, “adults under 50 are more likely than older adults to feel lonely”—not a good sign for the young’uns. 

While making friends in school may seem easy, the years following graduation often spell isolation, loneliness, and eventual bitterness for many. If you didn’t find your crew and/or significant other in college, destined are you to search soullessly for your soulmates on an app, it seems. 

But there are other ways to make new friends as an adult. You can go to in-real-life meetup events or join local clubs, for example. 

The catch is, to turn random people you meet at events into friends, you need the confidence to approach strangers, be the one to text first, and initiate plans—again and again. These steps are much harder to take if you don’t have the ease and self-assurance to go to social events alone and strike up conversations with people you don’t know. 

Practicing doing things alone can give you that confidence to make new friends. 

Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to learn how to do things alone without feeling lonely so you can make life richer and more connected. 

Why intentional solitude is getting harder to come by

In the midst of a global loneliness epidemic, it sounds counterintuitive to champion alone time. But spending time alone with yourself is when we can explore new ideas, fail without judgment, learn about ourselves, and build the confidence to create the life we want for ourselves. 

That alone time, however, must be actively chosen and intentionally filled, i.e., no doomscrolling, binge-watching, or otherwise dulling ourselves with external stimulants. 

Unfortunately, intentional solitude is getting harder and harder to come by: 

• The world is always on—and demands we are, too. Notifications are ever present. Work and friends alike pressure us to respond to all communications immediately. Almost no place of business operates without music playing in the background. Seeking silence and solitude is now considered a radical act (if not a selfish one) in a world that is constantly churning, shrieking, and vying for our attention. 

• Social media is considered a given, not an option. Strangers becoming friends at parties ask for my Instagram instead of my phone number; for many, the idea of existing offline is simply inconceivable. We must engage; we must perform; and we must be public. Otherwise, there’s something off about you. 

• Being alone is considered something to be feared instead of something to appreciate. You should get on an app and meet a partner; pull out your phone at the bus stop, instead of standing quietly with your thoughts; optimize your free time instead of sitting in boredom. There is so much pressure to constantly move, make, and monetize. Simply existing (and existing just for ourselves) is considered lazy or lame. 

We are all alone—and that’s not necessarily a bad thing, so we should stop running from it. 

For a philosophical mood lift, explore these quotes about feeling alone to remind yourself that we’re each steering our own ship and are responsible for our own happiness. 

Conclusion: the benefits of solitude compound over time

Spending time alone is not an act of isolation or even overt individualism. It is a conscious effort to think for yourself, be more creative, gain more confidence, and try new things. 

With the space to think without influence, daydream, experiment, and get to know yourself, you can start becoming the person you want to be. Along the way, building that confidence and comfort in your own company enables you to make friends more easily, build more meaningful relationships, and have an overall more creative, fulfilling, and connected life. 

There are many benefits of solitude, but you have to give yourself the chance to sit there.

Next Steps:

Start getting over the embarrassment, anxiety, or self-consciousness of doing things alone. Learn 5 simple ways to get better at doing things alone.

Consider if you even like being with yourself—and why you should. Read 5 reasons why it’s important to learn to enjoy your own company and how to get started. 

Practice spending time with just yourself. Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge so you can own the power of being alone.

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Why Being Alone Is Good for You: Common FAQs

Is spending time alone good for you?

Yes, spending time alone can be very beneficial—if you do it intentionally. That means actively choosing to spend quality time with yourself rather than filling the silence with scrolling or binge-watching. The benefits of “me time” include learning how to think for yourself, developing a stronger sense of self, and then using that newfound self-confidence to make new friends and build deeper, more meaningful relationships. 

Does it seem counterintuitive? Learn why being happy alone can actually help you make new friends.

Why spending time alone is important

Spending time alone is important because it gives you the space to think for yourself, experiment without judgement, and make decisions without outside pressure. Several studies on the psychology of being alone have actually shown that solitude can reduce self-consciousness and help you be more creative. 

If you’re not comfortable sitting in solitude, see 5 reasons why it’s important to learn how to enjoy your own company—and how to get started.

Why is being alone good for your mental health?

Being alone can improve your mental health by reducing stress, lowering self-consciousness, and giving you space to feel free from outside pressure. 

It’s easier to be happy being alone the more you work at it. When you sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge, you get one week of bite-sized daily challenges to help you practice spending intentional time alone so you can build self confidence, reduce social anxiety, and stop waiting on others to enjoy your life.

Is it healthy to be alone all the time?

Being alone all the time isn’t a good idea. Humans are social creatures, and we need friends, family, and community to feel our best. That said, adding in intentional alone time can help us better understand ourselves and our own needs, values, and patterns of behavior, which actually helps us strengthen our relationships and even make new friends more easily. 

Learn why being a loner helps you make new friends, whether you’re moving to a new city or just facing a social dry spell.

Is it bad to prefer to be alone?

No, it’s not bad to prefer solitude. Many people genuinely feel happy being alone and use that time to recharge, reflect, or otherwise recreate. But you want to make sure you’re not isolating yourself or avoiding connection out of fear or anxiety. 

If you want to learn how to spend time being alone but not lonely, check out 5 simple strategies to get better at doing things alone.

Can being alone be good for you?

Yes, being alone can be really good for you—when that alone time is intentional and balanced with healthy social interaction. Several studies on the psychology of being alone show that intentional (i.e., chosen) solitude can reduce feelings of stress and pressure and help you be more authentically you. 

But fighting distraction, saying no to overstimulation, and truly enjoying spending time alone with yourself isn’t intuitive for everyone. See 5 reasons why it’s important to enjoy your own company—and how to get started.

Why being alone is powerful?

Being alone is very powerful because it forces you to think for yourself, get creative, and make your own decisions without any outside influence. Over time, this intentional solitude helps you become more confident, self-assured, and less likely to be influenced or controlled by others. That’s why people who master being alone and happy can often build stronger relationships. 

Do you think you’re running into a relationship because you’re afraid of being alone? It’s a common pattern. This personal essay provides insight on why so many people feel alone in a relationship—and how to course-correct.

The post Why Being Alone Is Good for You  appeared first on A Merry Loner.

We are suffering from a loneliness epidemic. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you. Depending on whom you talk to, some might even tell you we’re suffering from a male loneliness epidemic, specifically. Whether we let men claim loneliness as their own personal plight or evaluate the larger spectrum of adult relationships, the present and future states of friendship look bleak: 

• People are making fewer friends. In 1990, one-third of Americans said they had 10 or more close friends. In 2021, just 13% said the same. Even worse, in 1990, only 3% said they had no friends. In 2021, 12% of Americans said they have no friends, per the Survey Center on American Life.

• They’re going to fewer social gatherings. “Only 4.1% of Americans attended or hosted a social event on an average weekend or holiday in 2023—that’s a 35% drop from 2004, says  The Atlantic.

• They’re having less sex. “…researchers have become alarmed at declines in sexual activity around the world, from Japan to Europe to Australia,” explains Scientific American.

This isn’t just a problem with “the kids these days.” Across genders and generations, people everywhere are struggling to make new friends. 

In this post, I share four truths on how to make new friends as an adult and why learning to get confident and comfortable in your own company will actually help you make more friends. 

What it takes to learn how to make new friends as an adult

Four in ten U.S. adults describe making new friends as “hard” or “very hard,” per a survey from YouGov. I simply don’t agree. While I concede it takes time, pointed effort, and (let’s be honest) a little patience to make new friends in adulthood, I wouldn’t call it particularly hard. In fact, I find it even easier than making friends in college. That’s because I’ve accepted four key truths about how to make new friends:

1. To make new friends, you have to meet strangers.

Duh. All friends start out as strangers, which means if you want to make more friends, you have to start talking to more strangers. 

I always say that friendship is like dating; it’s a numbers game. As you search for the people that feel like home, you may go to dozens of meet-ups, parties, or even app-facilitated events. Many of the people you meet there will not become your friends. Most, you will never see more than once or twice. Some you may see a few times on “friend dates” until you run out of things to say to each other and the lack of chemistry causes your outings to fizzle out. 

But you don’t need 20 new friends right now. You just need a few close friends to make life better. And the more strangers you meet and mingle with, the greater your chances of finding those few close friends.

Not confident going to meet-ups and mingling with strangers? It takes practice getting comfortable trying new things on your own. A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge helps you build confidence doing things alone so meeting new people is easier and less daunting.

2. To make new friends, you have to reach out first.

Again, this sounds pathetically obvious, but really, this is where most people trip up when trying to make new friends in adulthood. Simply exchanging numbers with someone is not enough to turn them into the kind of friend you laugh until you cry with, share embarrassing stories with, and keep in your inner circle for years to come. You have to build up to that, one “friend date” at a time.

That requires making plans.

Imagine Jill, a young working professional who is having a hard time figuring out how to make friends in a new city. She goes to a meet-up event and has a jolly time enjoying a few drinks while mingling with strangers. She has a particularly interesting conversation with two women who, like her, love going to yoga class; the three even decide to exchange phone numbers. Everyone smiles and says they look forward to seeing each other soon. 

Then everyone returns to their respective homes, and they never speak again. Why? Because each person is waiting for someone else to reach out. Each feels that if the other person doesn’t contact them, then they aren’t really interested in becoming friends. 

In the end, nobody contacts anybody. What were once promising seeds of a beautiful friendship (or at least a very pleasant acquaintance, as we need those to be happy, too) die before they even get a chance to be planted. 

This is where most people make a mistake when trying to make new friends. They believe making new friends after college is impossible: “I’m going to the events. I’m mingling with strangers. I’m exchanging numbers. But it doesn’t work. I never make new friends there.” They’re forgetting a crucial step: To turn strangers into friends, you have to have the courage to text first.

Find yourself scrolling social media more often than you spend time socializing? That’s a fast-track to feeling lonely, depressed, and isolated. Try these five strategies to quit social media to start reclaiming your time (and your sanity) from Big Tech.

3. To make new friends, you have to make plans, repeatedly.

How can you turn an acquaintance into a new friend? Repeated, regular contact. 

To continue the above example: Let’s say Jill does have the courage to send the first text. She and Allison meet for coffee and go to a yoga class together and generally have a grand, old time. That’s still not enough to become friends. After all, you don’t make friends from one conversation. You make new friends from repeated, consistent interactions over time. 

Why does it feel so easy to make new friends in college (and so hard in adulthood)?

When you’re in college, you’re forced to spend time with the same people, day in and day out. Maybe it’s your roommate or someone with whom you share a few classes. You might not even like each other at first, but after several months of prolonged exposure, overlapping experiences, and obligatory small talk via group projects or mutual acquaintances, you begin to form a bond. 

That’s when friendship starts to take shape. Not with everyone, of course. We still have personalities. You’ll hit it off with some people more easily than others; some, not at all. But without spending any time together, how can you ever have the chance to hit it off? 

After college, when we’re no longer living in artificial communities where the larger population has more or less the same lifestyle, it’s much harder to repeatedly see the same people every day  (at least without our own doing). 

We have to create these repeated, consistent interactions ourselves by taking the initiative to make plans, over and over again. Like this: 

• A few days after meeting someone new, invite them out for coffee. 

• If getting coffee was fun, tell them so afterwards. Then invite them to dinner a week later.

• If things are still going well, invite them over later in the month for drinks with a few other potential friends. 

• By this point, if things actually are going well and you both enjoy spending time together, the seeds of friendship will naturally begin to germinate. But it takes effort to get the ball rolling. 

You don’t make friends from one conversation. You make new friends from repeated, consistent interactions over time.

Moving to a new city and feeling lonely is a feeling too many people are familiar with. Read guest writer Gavin Williams’s personal essay on moving to a new city in his thirties and what unexpected change he made to overcome loneliness.

4. To make new friends, you have to separate yourself from your pack.

One of the easiest ways to make new friends is to meet friends of friends and let things snowball from there. This way, you don’t have to go out and meet strangers, build up the courage to text first, or even initiate regular meet-ups. 

But sometimes, your friends can actually hold you back. When you’re constantly surrounded by people you already know, you live in a safe, familiar bubble, which severely limits your opportunities to try new things and meet new people. I’m no stranger to this familiarity trap, and I’ve observed it plenty in others, as well. Imagine: 

You go to a party with one or two of your best friends. Instead of mingling with anyone new and talking with them beyond a few initial pleasantries, you spend the entire evening in the corner absorbed in conversations with your best friends. 

On its own, there’s nothing inherently wrong with this; spending time with friends is obviously one of the greater joys of life. But if you’re trying to figure out how to make new friends, this approach isn’t going to help you. By over-relying on your existing friends and using them as a security blanket which which to navigate new social situations, you limit your exposure to new people and, thus, many opportunities to make new friends.

Are you afraid to step out of your comfort zone? It’s hard to know if you don’t really know yourself. Check out these seven books on self-awareness to help you learn more about who you are.

Why it’s easier to make new friends when you’re confident and comfortable in your own company

When we’re young, making new friends is as natural as asking your kindergarten peer, “Do you want to be my best friend?” In high school, the friendship-building experience is easy for some, brutal for others. In college, social interactions tend to get easier for most. By adulthood, however, the ease with which we make friends seems to vanish, as evidenced by a study from the Survey Center on American Life that reveals those who don’t go to college have noticeably smaller social networks than those who do. 

The solution to learning how to make new friends in adulthood isn’t downloading more apps or going to more meet-ups. These moves can be helpful, but they’re only one part of the equation. Instead, making new friends starts with getting comfortable being alone. Here’s why: 

It’s easier to meet (and talk to) strangers

Meeting strangers is nerve-wracking, anxiety-inducing, and downright scary for a lot of people. The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that 12% of U.S. adults (that’s about 41 million people) have experienced some social anxiety disorder at at least one point in their lives.

But you have to meet people you don’t know in order to make new friends. And it’s a lot easier to talk to strangers if you’re confident and comfortable with yourself.

It’s less nerve-wracking to reach out first.

To turn a stranger into a known, trusted friend, you have to see them over and over again. That doesn’t happen by itself. Someone has to step up to the plate and reach out first. And because we’re adults taking control of our own lives, that “someone” is you. 

It’s much easier to send that first text (and not stress about the slowness or lack of a response) when you’re already confident, comfortable, and content with who you are. Without healthy self-esteem to begin with, you’re much more vulnerable to ghosting or rejection (which are inevitable parts of life, no matter how great we are).

It’s more natural to make plans, again and again.

After you’ve built up the courage to put yourself out there and send the first text, you probably haven’t made a new friend yet. It takes more than one coffee to develop a relationship, which means sending those texts over and over again to invite people for dinner, wish them happy birthday, or suggest a weekend party. 

It’s hard to remember to make plans if you’re not playing an active role in your own life, like waiting to be invited to events or just generally waiting for life to “happen” to you. But if you are a confident, engaged character in your own life, then hosting a dinner party, taking day trips, or planning other activities where you can invite other people to join you is as natural as waking up in the morning.

It’s not scary to try new things alone.

You can’t try new things and meet new people if you’re too busy talking to those you already know. 

But leaving behind your social security blanket is hard to do if you don’t have the confidence to step out of your comfort zone, put yourself in different situations, and try new things on your own.

Conclusion: Learning how to make new friends starts with you alone

A common gripe of the modern era is the ongoing friendship recession. People are lonely, lacking community, and unsure how to develop close ties after school. The answer is not downloading another app or texting your ex in hopes of rejoining your old friend group. Making new friends starts with you. 

By learning to get confident and comfortable in your own company, it’ll be easier to meet and talk to strangers, initiate plans, and make new friends, whether you’re moving to a new city or just facing a social dry spell. 

Friends are undeniably one of the treasures that makes life worth living, but don’t forget that creating a life you love starts with you.

Next Steps:

Sign up to attend one event this month. You can use tools like Creative Lunch, Meetup, or Facebook groups to find events near you. 

Text one acquaintance already in your contacts. Don’t overthink it. A simple, “How’s it going? Want to grab a coffee this week?” can go far. 

Remind yourself that you’re steering your own ship. If you’re feeling lonely, check out these quotes on feeling alone to remember that the cure for loneliness must come from you.

Use the image below to save this post to Pinterest so this list is there when you need it.

How to Make New Friends: Common FAQs

How to make new friends

It’s simple: talk to strangers; then talk to them again and again until they become friends. But that requires putting yourself in new environments where you can meet strangers and then reaching out first to make plans, both things that are difficult if you lack self-confidence. Read How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone to learn how to find confidence and comfort in your own company.

Why is it so hard to figure out how to make new friends as an adult?

School forces us to spend time with the same people over and over again, naturally setting the stage for long-term friendships. But when you’re on your own as an adult, you have to take the initiative. That means pushing yourself outside your comfort zone and building up the courage to reach out first. It gets easier with practice, though. Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to learn how to get more confident and comfortable trying new things (like talking to strangers) by yourself.

How to make new friends in your 20s, 30s, 40s, or 50s?

Whether you’re fresh out of college or beginning to think about retirement, the same four truths about making new friends apply. To make new friends, you have to: 1) meet strangers; 2) reach out first; 3) make plans, repeatedly; 4) step outside of your known friend group. All of these steps are easier when you’re already confident and comfortable trying new things alone. If you’re not there yet, try these four ways to learn how to enjoy your own company.

Where can I make new friends as an adult?

To make new friends, you have to do four things: 1) meet new people; 2) invite those new people to hang out; 3) keep inviting them to hang out; 4) give yourself permission to meet new people without your friends keeping you company. You can start by meeting new people online from events organized by Creative Lunch, Meetup, or Facebook groups. If you’re really confident trying new things on your own, you can meet new people by joining clubs, going to the gym, volunteering, signing up for co-working spaces, etc. 

Not confident showing up to new events by yourself? Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to get confident and comfortable in your own company so you can get out there, meet new people, and make new friends.

The post Why Being a Loner Helps You Make New Friends appeared first on A Merry Loner.