When you’re confident and comfortable in your own company, it becomes easier to talk to strangers, reach out first, and make plans repeatedly. That’s what builds friendship, whether you’re moving to a new city or just facing a social dry spell.
We are suffering from a loneliness epidemic. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you.
Depending on whom you talk to, some might even tell you we’re suffering from a male loneliness epidemic, specifically.
Whether we let men claim loneliness as their own personal plight or evaluate the larger spectrum of adult relationships, the present and future states of friendship look bleak:
People are making fewer friends. In 1990, one-third of Americans said they had 10 or more close friends. In 2021, just 13% said the same. Even worse, in 1990, only 3% said they had no friends. In 2021, 12% of Americans said they have no friends, per the Survey Center on American Life.
They’re going to fewer social gatherings. “Only 4.1% of Americans attended or hosted a social event on an average weekend or holiday in 2023—that’s a 35% drop from 2004, says The Atlantic.
They’re having less sex. “…researchers have become alarmed at declines in sexual activity around the world, from Japan to Europe to Australia,” explains Scientific American.
And this isn’t just a problem with “the kids these days.” Across genders and generations, people everywhere are struggling to make new friends.
In this post, I share four truths on how to make new friends as an adult—and why learning to get confident and comfortable in your own company will actually help you make more friends.
Do you feel lonely doing things by yourself?
It shouldn’t be that way. Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to learn how to get more confident doing things alone.
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What it takes to learn how to make new friends as an adult
Four in ten U.S. adults describe making new friends as “hard” or “very hard,” per a survey from YouGov. I simply don’t agree.
While I concede it takes time, pointed effort, and (let’s be honest) a little patience to make new friends in adulthood, I wouldn’t call it particularly hard. In fact, I find it even easier than making friends in college.
That’s because I’ve accepted four key truths about how to make new friends:
1. To make new friends, you have to meet strangers.
Duh. All friends start out as strangers, which means if you want to make more friends, you have to start talking to more strangers.
I always say that friendship is like dating; it’s a numbers game.
As you search for the people that feel like home, you may go to dozens of meet-ups, parties, or even app-facilitated events. Many of the people you meet there will not become your friends. Most, you will never see more than once or twice. Some you may see a few times on “friend dates” until you run out of things to say to each other and the lack of chemistry causes your outings to fizzle out.
But you don’t need 20 new friends right now. You just need a few close friends to make life better. And the more strangers you meet and mingle with, the greater your chances of finding those few close friends.
Not confident going to meet-ups and mingling with strangers?
It takes practice getting comfortable trying new things on your own. A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge helps you own the power of being alone so meeting new people is easier and less daunting.
2. To make new friends, you have to reach out first.
Again, this sounds pathetically obvious, but really, this is where most people trip up when trying to make new friends in adulthood.
Simply exchanging numbers with someone is not enough to turn them into the kind of friend you laugh until you cry with, share embarrassing stories with, and keep in your inner circle for years to come. You have to build up to that—one “friend date” at a time.
That requires making plans. As with most things in life, the hardest part is getting started.
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What happens when you don’t make the first move
Imagine Jill, a young working professional who is having a hard time figuring out how to make friends in a new city.
She goes to a meet-up event and has a jolly time enjoying a few drinks while mingling with strangers. She has a particularly interesting conversation with two women who, like her, love going to yoga class; the three even decide to exchange phone numbers. Everyone smiles and says they look forward to seeing each other soon.
Then everyone returns to their respective homes… And they never speak again.
Why? Because each person is waiting for someone else to reach out. Each feels that if the other person doesn’t contact them, then they aren’t really interested in becoming friends.
In the end, nobody contacts anybody. What were once promising seeds of a beautiful friendship (or at least a very pleasant acquaintance, as we need those to be happy, too) die before they even get a chance to be planted.
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This is where most people make a mistake when trying to make new friends.
They believe making new friends after college is impossible: “I’m going to the events. I’m mingling with strangers. I’m exchanging numbers. But it doesn’t work. I never make new friends there.”
They’re forgetting a crucial step: To turn strangers into friends, you have to have the courage to text first.
Find yourself scrolling social media more often than you spend time socializing?
That’s a fast-track to feeling lonely, depressed, and isolated. Try these 5 strategies to quit social media to start reclaiming your time (and your sanity) from Big Tech.
3. To make new friends, you have to make plans, repeatedly
How can you turn an acquaintance into a new friend? Repeated, regular contact.
Let’s say Jill does have the courage to send the first text. She and Allison meet for coffee and go to a yoga class together and generally have a grand, old time.
That’s still not enough to become friends. After all, you don’t make friends from one conversation. You make new friends from repeated, consistent interactions over time.
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Why does it feel so easy to make new friends in college (and so hard in adulthood?
When you’re in college, you’re forced to spend time with the same people, day in and day out.
Maybe it’s your roommate or someone with whom you share a few classes. You might not even like each other at first, but after several months of prolonged exposure, overlapping experiences, and obligatory small talk via group projects or mutual acquaintances, you begin to form a bond.
That’s when friendship starts to take shape.
Not with everyone, of course. We still have personalities. You’ll hit it off with some people more easily than others; some, not at all.
But without spending any time together, how can you ever have the chance to hit it off?
After college, when we’re no longer living in artificial communities where the larger population has more or less the same lifestyle, it’s much harder to repeatedly see the same people every day (at least without our own doing).
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We have to create these repeated, consistent interactions ourselves by taking the initiative to make plans—over and over again. Like this:
A few days after meeting someone new, invite them out for coffee.
If getting coffee was fun, tell them so afterwards. Then invite them to dinner a week later.
If things are still going well, invite them over later in the month for drinks with a few other potential friends.
By this point, if things actually are going well and you both enjoy spending time together, the seeds of friendship will naturally begin to germinate. But it takes effort to get the ball rolling.
You don’t make friends from one conversation. You make new friends from repeated, consistent interactions over time.
Moving to a new city and feeling lonely is a feeling too many people are familiar with.
Read guest writer Gavin Willima’s personal essay on moving to a new city in his thirties and what unexpected change he made to overcome loneliness.
4. To make new friends, you have to separate yourself from your pack.
One of the easiest ways to make new friends is to meet friends of friends and let things snowball from there. This way, you don’t have to go out and meet strangers, build up the courage to text first, or even initiate regular meet-ups.
But sometimes, your friends can actually hold you back.
When you’re constantly surrounded by people you already know, you live in a safe, familiar bubble—which severely limits your opportunities to try new things and meet new people.
I’m no stranger to this familiarity trap, and I’ve observed it plenty in others, as well. Imagine:
You go to a party with one or two of your best friends. Instead of mingling with anyone new and talking with them beyond a few initial pleasantries, you spend the entire evening in the corner absorbed in conversations with your best friends.
On its own, there’s nothing inherently wrong with this; spending time with friends is obviously one of the greater joys of life. But if you’re trying to figure out how to make new friends, this approach isn’t going to help you.
By over-relying on your existing friends and using them as a security blanket with which to navigate new social situations, you limit your exposure to new people and, thus, many opportunities to make new friends.
Are you afraid to step out of your comfort zone?
It’s hard to know if you don’t really know yourself. Check out these 7 books on self-awareness to help you learn more about who you are.
Why it’s easier to make new friends when you’re confident and comfortable in your own company
When we’re young, making new friends is as natural as asking your kindergarten peer, “Do you want to be my best friend?”
In high school, the friendship-building experience is easy for some, brutal for others. In college, social interactions tend to get easier for most. By adulthood, however, the ease with which we make friends seems to vanish, as evidenced by a study from the Survey Center on American Life that reveals those who don’t go to college have noticeably smaller social networks than those who do.
The solution to learning how to make new friends in adulthood isn’t downloading more apps or going to more meet-ups. These moves can be helpful, but they’re only one part of the equation.
Instead, making new friends starts with getting comfortable being alone. Here’s why:
It’s easier to meet (and talk to) strangers
Meeting strangers is nerve-wracking, anxiety-inducing, and downright scary for a lot of people. The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that 12% of U.S. adults (that’s about 41 million people) have experienced some social anxiety disorder at at least one point in their lives.
But you have to meet people you don’t know in order to make new friends. And it’s a lot easier to talk to strangers if you’re confident and comfortable with yourself.
It’s less nerve-wracking to reach out first.
To turn a stranger into a known, trusted friend, you have to see them over and over again. That doesn’t happen by itself. Someone has to step up to the plate and reach out first. And because we’re adults taking control of our own lives, that “someone” is you.
It’s much easier to send that first text (and not stress about the slowness or lack of a response) when you’re already confident, comfortable, and content with who you are.
Without healthy self-esteem to begin with, you’re much more vulnerable to ghosting or rejection (which are inevitable parts of life, no matter how great we are).
It’s more natural to make plans, again and again.
After you’ve built up the courage to put yourself out there and send the first text, you probably haven’t made a new friend yet. It takes more than one coffee to develop a relationship—which means sending those texts over and over again to invite people for dinner, wish them happy birthday, or suggest a weekend party.
It’s hard to remember to make plans if you’re not playing an active role in your own life, like waiting to be invited to events or just generally waiting for life to “happen” to you.
But if you are a confident, engaged character in your own life, then hosting a dinner party, taking day trips, or planning other activities where you can invite other people to join you is as natural as waking up in the morning.
It’s not scary to try new things alone.
You can’t try new things and meet new people if you’re too busy talking to those you already know.
But leaving behind your social security blanket is hard to do if you don’t have the confidence to step out of your comfort zone, put yourself in different situations, and try new things on your own.
Conclusion: Learning how to make new friends starts with you alone
A common gripe of the modern era (right up there with skyrocketing housing prices and job instability) is the ongoing friendship recession. People are lonely, lacking community, and unsure how to develop close ties after school.
The answer is not downloading another app or texting your ex in hopes of rejoining your old friend group.
Making new friends starts with you.
By learning to get confident and comfortable in your own company, it’ll be easier to meet and talk to strangers, initiate plans, and make new friends, whether you’re moving to a new city or just facing a social dry spell.
Friends are undeniably one of the treasures that makes life worth living, but don’t forget that creating a life you love starts with you.
Next Steps:
Sign up to attend one event this month. You can use tools like Creative Lunch, Meetup, or Facebook groups to find events near you.
Text one acquaintance already in your contacts. Don’t overthink it. A simple, “How’s it going? Want to grab a coffee this week?” can go far.
Remind yourself that you’re steering your own ship. If you’re feeling lonely, check out these quotes on feeling alone to remember that the cure for loneliness must come from you.
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How to Make New Friends: Common FAQs
How to make new friends
It’s simple: talk to strangers; then talk to them again and again until they become friends.
But that requires putting yourself in new environments where you can meet strangers and then reaching out first to make plans—both things that are difficult if you lack self-confidence.
Read How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone to learn how to find confidence and comfort in your own company.
Why is it so hard to figure out how to make new friends as an adult?
School forces us to spend time with the same people over and over again, naturally setting the stage for long-term friendships. But when you’re on your own as an adult, you have to take the initiative.
That means pushing yourself outside your comfort zone and building up the courage to reach out first.
It gets easier with practice, though. Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to learn how to get more confident and comfortable trying new things (like talking to strangers) by yourself.
How to make new friends in your 20s, 30s, 40s, or 50s?
Whether you’re fresh out of college or beginning to think about retirement, the same four truths about making new friends apply.
To make new friends, you have to: 1) meet strangers; 2) reach out first; 3) make plans, repeatedly; 4) step outside of your known friend group.
All of these steps are easier when you’re already confident and comfortable trying new things alone. If you’re not there yet, try these four ways to learn how to enjoy your own company.
Where can I make new friends as an adult?
To make new friends, you have to do four things: 1) meet new people; 2) invite those new people to hang out; 3) keep inviting them to hang out; 4) give yourself permission to meet new people without your friends keeping you company.
You can start by meeting new people online from events organized by Creative Lunch, Meetup, or Facebook groups. If you’re really confident trying new things on your own, you can meet new people by joining clubs, going to the gym, volunteering, signing up for co-working spaces, etc.
Not confident showing up to new events by yourself? Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to get confident and comfortable in your own company so you can get out there, meet new people, and make new friends.
Merry
Merry is the blogger behind A Merry Loner, a full-time freelance writer, and a lifelong bookworm. Since kindergarten, it was her dream to become a novelist. (She likes to think she's headed in the right direction.) Born and raised in Rhode Island, where she earned a triple-major BA in writing, communication, and French from the University of Rhode Island, she moved to Toulouse, France after the pandemic to complete a master's in creative writing at Univeristé Toulouse Jean — Jaurès. She now lives in Paris with husband.
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