Starting anew can happen at any moment. Joy Sullivan shares her instructions for taking off.

September is the ninth month of the year, but for many, brings the same refreshing feeling of January. Perhaps it’s the smell of fresh notebooks, new class schedules, and first-day-of-school outfits that lingers in our minds and makes the end of the summer feel like a beginning. But sometimes, we get the urge to start anew on a Wednesday. Or in July. Or at two o’clock in the afternoon when we’ve had a very disagreeable morning and want to restart the clock to try to win back those lost, grumpy hours. 

A few deep breaths can help. A short walk to the corner and back can bring an entirely new perspective. Sometimes, simply brewing a fresh cup of coffee, cracking your knuckles, and opening to a clean page in a book or notepad can trick our minds into starting the day anew. 

It’s not always just the morning hours we wish we could take back, though. It’s the entire week, the last few months, or, when our spirits are particularly low and tomorrow feels more like an obligation than an opportunity, it’s the last several years that have been weighing us down, tethered to the ankles. 

How to set ourselves free? How to, despite everything, start again? 

Poetry can help. 

During my college years when melancholy trailed me like cigarette fumes, I found solace in leftover napkins, corners of newspapers (for I used to luxuriate in the free time of a college student by reading the newspaper cover to cover every day at eleven o’clock, accompanied only by a toasted bagel with cream cheese and a black coffee), and torn-out, crinkled notepads. I wrote away the malaise, releasing it from me in a disjointed anthology of mediocre poems thrown together in between classes, during classes, at coffee shops, and even in the car when I would hurry to pull into the nearest parking lot to preserve an idea. In a way, those poems preserved me, or at least the me who was ailing, and in capturing her inky ponderings, those poems set the new me free. 

“Professional” poems (what I call those published and printed in a book for mass-market sale) helped set the new me free, too. 

During difficult times, my melancholy introduced me to  Charles Bukowski, Molière and my beloved, dreamy William Butler Yeats. Their works fed the melancholy, helped it steep and simmer until I felt ready enough to let it go. But it was Joy Sullivan who spooned me an all-together new kind of elixir that tasted like optimism, more like a soup, really, the kind of broth over which someone labors for hours, one spoonful of which is enough to soothe the sorest throat and deliver a week’s worth of bed rest in one warm gulp. 

Here are a few loving spoonfuls for you: 

And one big bowl: 

These extracts are from Instructions for Traveling West by Joy Sullivan, a collection of poems I read in one sitting in the bath one winter night, marinating in the memories of who I once was and who I’d become, trying to figure out what was still holding me back from outwardly being the me only I know me to be. 

And then I pulled the plug and watched the suds swirl away and decided that that evening was as good a time as any to start anew. 

I’ve since gifted my copy of Instructions for Traveling West to a friend and need to replace it. In the meantime, I keep a space on my shelf for these four books that soothe me when existential dread comes back to rear its ugly head. 

If you’re feeling the winds giving you a gentle nudge to start anew, see quotes about feeling alone to remind yourself that we are each steering our own ship and capable of reorienting our lives at any moment we choose. Traveling alone can help us determine where we want that ship to go; for cautious or new travelers, these books on traveling alone provide courage to set off. 

The post Poems About New Beginnings for When You Need to Start Again appeared first on A Merry Loner.

There are many benefits of solitude, but you have to give yourself the chance to sit there.

It’s the tale as old as time: “I’m afraid I will die alone.” 

While such a worry often comes to us in more dire moments, like when a relationship dissolves or family ties begin to come undone, the fear of being alone also creeps its way into our everyday activities: going to a wedding alone; traveling alone; living alone; even celebrating Valentine’s Day alone.

When we compare our inner circle to that of those around us, it can sometimes feel embarrassingly small by comparison. Then that familiar pang of loneliness creeps in, and we’re quick to fill it with scrolling, watching, or consuming—content or otherwise. 

But there’s no reason to be afraid of being alone. If you step back from the screen, fake friends, and other mind-numbing distractions and learn how to truly enjoy your own company, you’ll uncover a new, calmer, more peaceful world, one where doing things alone feels comfortable instead of punishing. 

Though the silence may at first exacerbate feelings of loneliness, if you learn to sit with it instead of running to distractions, you’ll find you already have everything you need to be happy within you.

Here are six reasons why being alone is good for you and how it helps you live a more creative, fulfilling, connected life: 

Not comforting sitting alone with yourself? 

Learn how to find confidence and comfort in your own company with A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge.

The shortlist: 6 benefits of solitude that help you think clearly, create freely, and build more meaningful relationships

How spending time alone helps you: 

1. Think for yourself

2. Be more creative

3. Gain more confidence being yourself

4. Experiment and try new things

5. Build more meaningful relationships

6. Make new friends more easily

Plus, why intentional solitude is getting harder and harder to come by.

More popular posts on the Loner Mindset:

Why Being a Loner Helps You Make New Friends

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How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone

6 reasons why being alone is good for you

The benefits of spending time alone go beyond helping you decompress from a day of overstimulation. 

Intentional solitude helps you think more clearly, live more creatively, and feel more confident. Over time, that confidence and comfort in your own company helps you build more meaningful relationships and make new friends more easily.

1. Think for yourself

It’s hard to know what you think when you’re constantly inundated with others’ opinions. 

When you spend time alone, you give yourself the mental space to reflect on your life, the world, and what you truly believe without depending on or being influenced by the ideas of others. 

And don’t beat yourself up for parroting your neighbor; it’s normal to do so.

In the 1950s, Polish-American social psychologist Solomon Asch conducted a series of conformity experiments where he examined people’s willingness to adopt an obviously incorrect belief due to social pressure. As summarized by EBSCO: “In the end, more than one-third of Asch’s test subjects conformed to the predominant, and incorrect, group answer.” 

Over 70 years later, a 2023 replication and extension of the Asch experiment published by PLoS One confirmed the original findings. 

Groupthink is a powerful force that few if any of us can evade entirely, but spending some time alone can help. 

From menial decisions, like deciding what to wear or what we really think of that new film everyone is talking about, to more grave concerns, like choosing who to vote for or where you stand on the latest political polemic, taking time to separate from your pack, look away from your algorithm, and tune out the voices around you gives you room to ponder, puzzle, and come to your own conclusions based on none other than your moral compass.

Not really sure what you think about the world (or yourself)? Get to know yourself better with these 7 books on self-awareness.

2. Be creative and come up with new ideas

For the same reason I can’t write an original sentence while reading another, I can’t develop a new idea while consuming another. 

What I consider one of the most important benefits of solitude is the space it affords you to daydream, experiment, and invent. 

The neuroscientists are on my side. 

In an interview for Stanford University’s Wu Tsai Neurosciences Institute, cognitive scientist Vinod Menon explains default mode network (DMN) and what happens when we let our minds wander: 

“The default mode network is a collection of brain areas that becomes active when we turn our attention inward. And it’s a network that generates your internal mental life, your memories, your sense of who you are, your plans and daydreams, and the ongoing inner narrative that reflects our own individual experiences.” 

Importantly, Menon stresses that “one of the key aspects of this system is that it’s actually suppressed during externally focused tension demanding tasks.” 

Essentially, when you give your brain a break from the constant stream of external stimuli our modern world subjects it to, it starts connecting ideas, memories, and experiences to lead you to original, creative insights. 

Perhaps this is why some of time’s most prolific writers, artists, and other creative minds have been described as recluse or solitary. Their proclivity to spend time alone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re anti-social or introverted but that they recognize it takes pointed time and space alone to think, dream, and create. 

Does sitting in your own company feel more stifling than inspiring? You can shift it. Learn how to enjoy your own company (and why it’s so important). 

3. Gain more confidence being yourself

Doing things alone has a hideous reputation. “Spend too much time alone,” people fearmonger, “and you’ll become a lonely, depressed, uncivilized hermit.” 

A study published in Nature begs to disagree. 

During a 21-day experiment, participants totaled how many hours they spent in solitude. The findings were thus: 

• Solitude doesn’t always lead to loneliness: People were lonelier and less satisfied on days when they spent more time alone, but this effect was reduced or disappeared “when daily solitude was autonomous,” i.e., chosen rather than forced.

• It supports a sense of autonomy: On days when people spent more time alone, they reported feeling less stress and greater autonomy satisfaction, feeling “volitional, authentic, and free from pressure.”

• There are long-term benefits to spending time alone: The benefits of solitude snowballed over time: “…those who spent more time alone across the span of the study were less stressed and more autonomy satisfied overall”—not lonelier. 

More alone time only translates to more loneliness when it’s unwanted. But when you choose to actively spend time alone with yourself, stress goes away and you feel more comfortable and confident being you. 

When we’re alone, the default is often to fill that empty space with social media. But imagine the places your imagination could take if you listened to it instead of your algorithm. These are the strategies that helped me learn how to quit social media.

4. Experiment and try new things

No matter how brash or confident one claims to be, trying something new is always tough, especially if you have an audience. 

What if you fail? What if you embarrass yourself? What if everyone remembers you for a buffoonish utterance you wish you could take back? 

Counterintuitively, it can feel even more nerve-wracking to try new things in front of people we know as opposed to a room full of strangers. If we experiment with reinventing ourselves, be it through new wardrobe choices, a change in social circles, or the simple trying on of a new habit, our inner circle is often the first the notice and interject unwelcome commentary: 

“Oh, you’ve changed your hair?” “Is that how you’re dressing now?” “Since when do you read and quote Kerouac?” 

Known social circles come with expectations and voices ready to question you if you deviate from the person they know you as.

Another one of the main benefits of solitude is the freedom and nonjudgmental comfort it provides to experiment and try new things. When you’re alone, there’s no audience (or judgment) to trail every experiment. You can try something new, fail, change your mind, and start over without anyone watching.

Research published in Metodo International backs up why being alone is good sometimes: 

“Solitude can minimize forms of intrusive self-consciousness by reducing the immediate demands of experiencing oneself as the object of another person’s thoughts and actions. Other studies have shown that people have decreased self-awareness when they are alone.”

In other words, solitude removes the social pressure and fear of public failure that often holds us back from trying new things, giving us the comfort to experiment and reinvent ourselves, sans external noise. 

If you’re simply at a loss of how to spend time alone without feeling anxious, lonely, or strange, just take baby steps. Read 5 simple ways to get better at doing things alone so you can start feeling confident and comfortable in your own company.

5. Build more intentional relationships

Ironically, another reason why being alone is good for you is that it helps you develop more intentional, genuine relationships. 

When you’re lonely, uncomfortable in your own company, and desperate for companionship, you’re more likely to strike up a relationship with someone just because they’re available. 

This goes for both platonic and romantic relationships. 

When you don’t have anything to do on Friday night but you feel anxious about staying home alone, you jump at the first invitation that comes along. You go to restaurants you don’t like; you spend money on drinks that don’t fill your cup; and you wake up the next morning feeling tired, like you wasted the evening, and lonelier than ever as you look back on last night’s sour memories. 

Chasing romance from a place of loneliness leads to similar if not more disastrous aftereffects. 

When you’re not comfortable being single, you jump from partner to partner—not because you’re having fun meeting new people and learning about yourself along the way but because you feel incapable of living alone, making your own decisions, and spending time with just yourself. You prefer to default to someone else and absorb their friends, routines, and habits so you don’t have to sit with yourself, explore what really makes you happy, or put the effort in to build a life of your own choosing. You may have developed a fondness for your partner over time, but it’s based on proximity and convenience, not real connection. 

Either way, when you avoid spending time alone with yourself and rush to fill every moment with a social engagement, you rob yourself of the chance to develop more meaningful relationships founded on a true desire to be with that person. Instead, you live your life with people who are simply there. 

Do you still feel lonely, even though you’re in a relationship? It’s not necessarily your partner’s fault. Read guest writer Janine Canillas’s personal story on why so many of us feel alone in our relationships (and how to fix it). 

6. Make new friends more easily

Everyone wants to make more friends, no matter how grouchy you may pretend to be. 

But it’s getting harder. 

Our individualist societies are becoming more and more pod-like. A 2025 survey from Pew Research Center shows 16% of all adults “feel lonely or isolated from those around them all or most of the time.” Worryingly, “adults under 50 are more likely than older adults to feel lonely”—not a good sign for the young’uns. 

While making friends in school may seem easy, the years following graduation often spell isolation, loneliness, and eventual bitterness for many. If you didn’t find your crew and/or significant other in college, destined are you to search soullessly for your soulmates on an app, it seems. 

But there are other ways to make new friends as an adult. You can go to in-real-life meetup events or join local clubs, for example. 

The catch is, to turn random people you meet at events into friends, you need the confidence to approach strangers, be the one to text first, and initiate plans—again and again. These steps are much harder to take if you don’t have the ease and self-assurance to go to social events alone and strike up conversations with people you don’t know. 

Practicing doing things alone can give you that confidence to make new friends. 

Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to learn how to do things alone without feeling lonely so you can make life richer and more connected. 

Why intentional solitude is getting harder to come by

In the midst of a global loneliness epidemic, it sounds counterintuitive to champion alone time. But spending time alone with yourself is when we can explore new ideas, fail without judgment, learn about ourselves, and build the confidence to create the life we want for ourselves. 

That alone time, however, must be actively chosen and intentionally filled, i.e., no doomscrolling, binge-watching, or otherwise dulling ourselves with external stimulants. 

Unfortunately, intentional solitude is getting harder and harder to come by: 

• The world is always on—and demands we are, too. Notifications are ever present. Work and friends alike pressure us to respond to all communications immediately. Almost no place of business operates without music playing in the background. Seeking silence and solitude is now considered a radical act (if not a selfish one) in a world that is constantly churning, shrieking, and vying for our attention. 

• Social media is considered a given, not an option. Strangers becoming friends at parties ask for my Instagram instead of my phone number; for many, the idea of existing offline is simply inconceivable. We must engage; we must perform; and we must be public. Otherwise, there’s something off about you. 

• Being alone is considered something to be feared instead of something to appreciate. You should get on an app and meet a partner; pull out your phone at the bus stop, instead of standing quietly with your thoughts; optimize your free time instead of sitting in boredom. There is so much pressure to constantly move, make, and monetize. Simply existing (and existing just for ourselves) is considered lazy or lame. 

We are all alone—and that’s not necessarily a bad thing, so we should stop running from it. 

For a philosophical mood lift, explore these quotes about feeling alone to remind yourself that we’re each steering our own ship and are responsible for our own happiness. 

Conclusion: the benefits of solitude compound over time

Spending time alone is not an act of isolation or even overt individualism. It is a conscious effort to think for yourself, be more creative, gain more confidence, and try new things. 

With the space to think without influence, daydream, experiment, and get to know yourself, you can start becoming the person you want to be. Along the way, building that confidence and comfort in your own company enables you to make friends more easily, build more meaningful relationships, and have an overall more creative, fulfilling, and connected life. 

There are many benefits of solitude, but you have to give yourself the chance to sit there.

Next Steps:

Start getting over the embarrassment, anxiety, or self-consciousness of doing things alone. Learn 5 simple ways to get better at doing things alone.

Consider if you even like being with yourself—and why you should. Read 5 reasons why it’s important to learn to enjoy your own company and how to get started. 

Practice spending time with just yourself. Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge so you can own the power of being alone.

Use the image below to save this post to Pinterest so this list is there when you need it.

Why Being Alone Is Good for You: Common FAQs

Is spending time alone good for you?

Yes, spending time alone can be very beneficial—if you do it intentionally. That means actively choosing to spend quality time with yourself rather than filling the silence with scrolling or binge-watching. The benefits of “me time” include learning how to think for yourself, developing a stronger sense of self, and then using that newfound self-confidence to make new friends and build deeper, more meaningful relationships. 

Does it seem counterintuitive? Learn why being happy alone can actually help you make new friends.

Why spending time alone is important

Spending time alone is important because it gives you the space to think for yourself, experiment without judgement, and make decisions without outside pressure. Several studies on the psychology of being alone have actually shown that solitude can reduce self-consciousness and help you be more creative. 

If you’re not comfortable sitting in solitude, see 5 reasons why it’s important to learn how to enjoy your own company—and how to get started.

Why is being alone good for your mental health?

Being alone can improve your mental health by reducing stress, lowering self-consciousness, and giving you space to feel free from outside pressure. 

It’s easier to be happy being alone the more you work at it. When you sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge, you get one week of bite-sized daily challenges to help you practice spending intentional time alone so you can build self confidence, reduce social anxiety, and stop waiting on others to enjoy your life.

Is it healthy to be alone all the time?

Being alone all the time isn’t a good idea. Humans are social creatures, and we need friends, family, and community to feel our best. That said, adding in intentional alone time can help us better understand ourselves and our own needs, values, and patterns of behavior, which actually helps us strengthen our relationships and even make new friends more easily. 

Learn why being a loner helps you make new friends, whether you’re moving to a new city or just facing a social dry spell.

Is it bad to prefer to be alone?

No, it’s not bad to prefer solitude. Many people genuinely feel happy being alone and use that time to recharge, reflect, or otherwise recreate. But you want to make sure you’re not isolating yourself or avoiding connection out of fear or anxiety. 

If you want to learn how to spend time being alone but not lonely, check out 5 simple strategies to get better at doing things alone.

Can being alone be good for you?

Yes, being alone can be really good for you—when that alone time is intentional and balanced with healthy social interaction. Several studies on the psychology of being alone show that intentional (i.e., chosen) solitude can reduce feelings of stress and pressure and help you be more authentically you. 

But fighting distraction, saying no to overstimulation, and truly enjoying spending time alone with yourself isn’t intuitive for everyone. See 5 reasons why it’s important to enjoy your own company—and how to get started.

Why being alone is powerful?

Being alone is very powerful because it forces you to think for yourself, get creative, and make your own decisions without any outside influence. Over time, this intentional solitude helps you become more confident, self-assured, and less likely to be influenced or controlled by others. That’s why people who master being alone and happy can often build stronger relationships. 

Do you think you’re running into a relationship because you’re afraid of being alone? It’s a common pattern. This personal essay provides insight on why so many people feel alone in a relationship—and how to course-correct.

The post Why Being Alone Is Good for You  appeared first on A Merry Loner.

When you’re confident and comfortable in your own company, it becomes easier to talk to strangers, reach out first, and make plans repeatedly. That’s what builds friendship, whether you’re moving to a new city or just facing a social dry spell.

We are suffering from a loneliness epidemic. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you. 

Depending on whom you talk to, some might even tell you we’re suffering from a male loneliness epidemic, specifically. 

Whether we let men claim loneliness as their own personal plight or evaluate the larger spectrum of adult relationships, the present and future states of friendship look bleak: 

• People are making fewer friends. In 1990, one-third of Americans said they had 10 or more close friends. In 2021, just 13% said the same. Even worse, in 1990, only 3% said they had no friends. In 2021, 12% of Americans said they have no friends, per the Survey Center on American Life.

• They’re going to fewer social gatherings. “Only 4.1% of Americans attended or hosted a social event on an average weekend or holiday in 2023—that’s a 35% drop from 2004, says  The Atlantic.

• They’re having less sex. “…researchers have become alarmed at declines in sexual activity around the world, from Japan to Europe to Australia,” explains Scientific American.

And this isn’t just a problem with “the kids these days.” Across genders and generations, people everywhere are struggling to make new friends. 

In this post, I share four truths on how to make new friends as an adult—and why learning to get confident and comfortable in your own company will actually help you make more friends. 

Do you feel lonely doing things by yourself?

It shouldn’t be that way. Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to learn how to get more confident doing things alone.

More popular posts on the Loner Mindset:

Quotes About Feeling Alone to Remind Us We’re Each Steering Our Own Ship

How to Enjoy Your Own Company

How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone

What it takes to learn how to make new friends as an adult

Four in ten U.S. adults describe making new friends as “hard” or “very hard,” per a survey from YouGov. I simply don’t agree. 

While I concede it takes time, pointed effort, and (let’s be honest) a little patience to make new friends in adulthood, I wouldn’t call it particularly hard. In fact, I find it even easier than making friends in college. 

That’s because I’ve accepted four key truths about how to make new friends:

1. To make new friends, you have to meet strangers.

Duh. All friends start out as strangers, which means if you want to make more friends, you have to start talking to more strangers. 

I always say that friendship is like dating; it’s a numbers game. 

As you search for the people that feel like home, you may go to dozens of meet-ups, parties, or even app-facilitated events. Many of the people you meet there will not become your friends. Most, you will never see more than once or twice. Some you may see a few times on “friend dates” until you run out of things to say to each other and the lack of chemistry causes your outings to fizzle out. 

But you don’t need 20 new friends right now. You just need a few close friends to make life better. And the more strangers you meet and mingle with, the greater your chances of finding those few close friends.

Not confident going to meet-ups and mingling with strangers? 

It takes practice getting comfortable trying new things on your own. A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge helps you own the power of being alone so meeting new people is easier and less daunting.

2. To make new friends, you have to reach out first.

Again, this sounds pathetically obvious, but really, this is where most people trip up when trying to make new friends in adulthood. 

Simply exchanging numbers with someone is not enough to turn them into the kind of friend you laugh until you cry with, share embarrassing stories with, and keep in your inner circle for years to come. You have to build up to that—one “friend date” at a time.

That requires making plans. As with most things in life, the hardest part is getting started. 

—

What happens when you don’t make the first move

Imagine Jill, a young working professional who is having a hard time figuring out how to make friends in a new city. 

She goes to a meet-up event and has a jolly time enjoying a few drinks while mingling with strangers. She has a particularly interesting conversation with two women who, like her, love going to yoga class; the three even decide to exchange phone numbers. Everyone smiles and says they look forward to seeing each other soon. 

Then everyone returns to their respective homes… And they never speak again. 

Why? Because each person is waiting for someone else to reach out. Each feels that if the other person doesn’t contact them, then they aren’t really interested in becoming friends. 

In the end, nobody contacts anybody. What were once promising seeds of a beautiful friendship (or at least a very pleasant acquaintance, as we need those to be happy, too) die before they even get a chance to be planted. 

—

This is where most people make a mistake when trying to make new friends. 

They believe making new friends after college is impossible: “I’m going to the events. I’m mingling with strangers. I’m exchanging numbers. But it doesn’t work. I never make new friends there.” 

They’re forgetting a crucial step: To turn strangers into friends, you have to have the courage to text first.

Find yourself scrolling social media more often than you spend time socializing? 

That’s a fast-track to feeling lonely, depressed, and isolated. Try these 5 strategies to quit social media to start reclaiming your time (and your sanity) from Big Tech.

3. To make new friends, you have to make plans, repeatedly

How can you turn an acquaintance into a new friend? Repeated, regular contact. 

Let’s say Jill does have the courage to send the first text. She and Allison meet for coffee and go to a yoga class together and generally have a grand, old time. 

That’s still not enough to become friends. After all, you don’t make friends from one conversation. You make new friends from repeated, consistent interactions over time. 

—

Why does it feel so easy to make new friends in college (and so hard in adulthood?

When you’re in college, you’re forced to spend time with the same people, day in and day out. 

Maybe it’s your roommate or someone with whom you share a few classes. You might not even like each other at first, but after several months of prolonged exposure, overlapping experiences, and obligatory small talk via group projects or mutual acquaintances, you begin to form a bond. 

That’s when friendship starts to take shape. 

Not with everyone, of course. We still have personalities. You’ll hit it off with some people more easily than others; some, not at all. 

But without spending any time together, how can you ever have the chance to hit it off? 

After college, when we’re no longer living in artificial communities where the larger population has more or less the same lifestyle, it’s much harder to repeatedly see the same people every day  (at least without our own doing). 

—

We have to create these repeated, consistent interactions ourselves by taking the initiative to make plans—over and over again. Like this: 

• A few days after meeting someone new, invite them out for coffee. 

• If getting coffee was fun, tell them so afterwards. Then invite them to dinner a week later.

• If things are still going well, invite them over later in the month for drinks with a few other potential friends. 

By this point, if things actually are going well and you both enjoy spending time together, the seeds of friendship will naturally begin to germinate. But it takes effort to get the ball rolling. 

You don’t make friends from one conversation. You make new friends from repeated, consistent interactions over time. 

Moving to a new city and feeling lonely is a feeling too many people are familiar with. 

Read guest writer Gavin Willima’s personal essay on moving to a new city in his thirties and what unexpected change he made to overcome loneliness.

4. To make new friends, you have to separate yourself from your pack.

One of the easiest ways to make new friends is to meet friends of friends and let things snowball from there. This way, you don’t have to go out and meet strangers, build up the courage to text first, or even initiate regular meet-ups. 

But sometimes, your friends can actually hold you back. 

When you’re constantly surrounded by people you already know, you live in a safe, familiar bubble—which severely limits your opportunities to try new things and meet new people. 

I’m no stranger to this familiarity trap, and I’ve observed it plenty in others, as well. Imagine: 

You go to a party with one or two of your best friends. Instead of mingling with anyone new and talking with them beyond a few initial pleasantries, you spend the entire evening in the corner absorbed in conversations with your best friends. 

On its own, there’s nothing inherently wrong with this; spending time with friends is obviously one of the greater joys of life. But if you’re trying to figure out how to make new friends, this approach isn’t going to help you. 

By over-relying  on your existing friends and using them as a security blanket with which to navigate new social situations, you limit your exposure to new people and, thus, many opportunities to make new friends. 

Are you afraid to step out of your comfort zone? 

It’s hard to know if you don’t really know yourself. Check out these 7 books on self-awareness to help you learn more about who you are.

Why it’s easier to make new friends when you’re confident and comfortable in your own company

When we’re young, making new friends is as natural as asking your kindergarten peer, “Do you want to be my best friend?” 

In high school, the friendship-building experience is easy for some, brutal for others. In college, social interactions tend to get easier for most. By adulthood, however, the ease with which we make friends seems to vanish, as evidenced by a study from the Survey Center on American Life that reveals those who don’t go to college have noticeably smaller social networks than those who do. 

The solution to learning how to make new friends in adulthood isn’t downloading more apps or going to more meet-ups. These moves can be helpful, but they’re only one part of the equation. 

Instead, making new friends starts with getting comfortable being alone. Here’s why: 

It’s easier to meet (and talk to) strangers

Meeting strangers is nerve-wracking, anxiety-inducing, and downright scary for a lot of people. The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that 12% of U.S. adults (that’s about 41 million people) have experienced some social anxiety disorder at at least one point in their lives.

But you have to meet people you don’t know in order to make new friends. And it’s a lot easier to talk to strangers if you’re confident and comfortable with yourself.

It’s less nerve-wracking to reach out first.

To turn a stranger into a known, trusted friend, you have to see them over and over again. That doesn’t happen by itself. Someone has to step up to the plate and reach out first. And because we’re adults taking control of our own lives, that “someone” is you. 

It’s much easier to send that first text (and not stress about the slowness or lack of a response) when you’re already confident, comfortable, and content with who you are. 

Without healthy self-esteem to begin with, you’re much more vulnerable to ghosting or rejection (which are inevitable parts of life, no matter how great we are).

It’s more natural to make plans, again and again.

After you’ve built up the courage to put yourself out there and send the first text, you probably haven’t made a new friend yet. It takes more than one coffee to develop a relationship—which means sending those texts over and over again to invite people for dinner, wish them happy birthday, or suggest a weekend party. 

It’s hard to remember to make plans if you’re not playing an active role in your own life, like waiting to be invited to events or just generally waiting for life to “happen” to you. 

But if you are a confident, engaged character in your own life, then hosting a dinner party, taking day trips, or planning other activities where you can invite other people to join you is as natural as waking up in the morning.

It’s not scary to try new things alone.

You can’t try new things and meet new people if you’re too busy talking to those you already know. 

But leaving behind your social security blanket is hard to do if you don’t have the confidence to step out of your comfort zone, put yourself in different situations, and try new things on your own.

Conclusion: Learning how to make new friends starts with you alone

A common gripe of the modern era (right up there with skyrocketing housing prices and job instability) is the ongoing friendship recession. People are lonely, lacking community, and unsure how to develop close ties after school. 

The answer is not downloading another app or texting your ex in hopes of rejoining your old friend group.

Making new friends starts with you. 

By learning to get confident and comfortable in your own company, it’ll be easier to meet and talk to strangers, initiate plans, and make new friends, whether you’re moving to a new city or just facing a social dry spell. 

Friends are undeniably one of the treasures that makes life worth living, but don’t forget that creating a life you love starts with you.

Next Steps:

Sign up to attend one event this month. You can use tools like Creative Lunch, Meetup, or Facebook groups to find events near you. 

Text one acquaintance already in your contacts. Don’t overthink it. A simple, “How’s it going? Want to grab a coffee this week?” can go far. 

Remind yourself that you’re steering your own ship. If you’re feeling lonely, check out these quotes on feeling alone to remember that the cure for loneliness must come from you.

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How to Make New Friends: Common FAQs

How to make new friends

It’s simple: talk to strangers; then talk to them again and again until they become friends. 

But that requires putting yourself in new environments where you can meet strangers and then reaching out first to make plans—both things that are difficult if you lack self-confidence. 

Read How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone to learn how to find confidence and comfort in your own company.

Why is it so hard to figure out how to make new friends as an adult?

School forces us to spend time with the same people over and over again, naturally setting the stage for long-term friendships. But when you’re on your own as an adult, you have to take the initiative. 

That means pushing yourself outside your comfort zone and building up the courage to reach out first. 

It gets easier with practice, though. Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to learn how to get more confident and comfortable trying new things (like talking to strangers) by yourself.

How to make new friends in your 20s, 30s, 40s, or 50s?

Whether you’re fresh out of college or beginning to think about retirement, the same four truths about making new friends apply. 

To make new friends, you have to: 1) meet strangers; 2) reach out first; 3) make plans, repeatedly; 4) step outside of your known friend group. 

All of these steps are easier when you’re already confident and comfortable trying new things alone. If you’re not there yet, try these four ways to learn how to enjoy your own company.

Where can I make new friends as an adult?

To make new friends, you have to do four things: 1) meet new people; 2) invite those new people to hang out; 3) keep inviting them to hang out; 4) give yourself permission to meet new people without your friends keeping you company. 

You can start by meeting new people online from events organized by Creative Lunch, Meetup, or Facebook groups. If you’re really confident trying new things on your own, you can meet new people by joining clubs, going to the gym, volunteering, signing up for co-working spaces, etc. 

Not confident showing up to new events by yourself? Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to get confident and comfortable in your own company so you can get out there, meet new people, and make new friends.

Merry

Merry is the blogger behind A Merry Loner, a full-time freelance writer, and a lifelong bookworm. Since kindergarten, it was her dream to become a novelist. (She likes to think she's headed in the right direction.) Born and raised in Rhode Island, where she earned a triple-major BA in writing, communication, and French from the University of Rhode Island, she moved to Toulouse, France after the pandemic to complete a master's in creative writing at Univeristé Toulouse Jean — Jaurès. She now lives in Paris with husband.

Discover how the merry loner lifestyle makes life more enjoyable:

LONER MINDSET: fresh perspectives on learning to genuinely enjoy your own company

BOOKS: reading lists for people who love being alone with a good story

ANALOG LIVING: inspiration to step back from the screen and live a life offline

SOLO TRAVEL: guides on where to go and how to enjoy it alone

MINDFUL CONSUMPTION: vetted recommendations for a simpler, less wasteful life

LONER Q&As: interviews from global voices on how to live a meaningful, enjoyable life

The post Why Being a Loner Helps You Make New Friends appeared first on A Merry Loner.

Stories to push you forward.

For those born with an innate sense of wanderlust, it can be difficult to imagine there are others who don’t share the same yearning to move. But for some, traveling isn’t a series of glittering memories. When prompted to pack a suitcase and brave the rails, road, or sky, be it across the world or a stone’s throw away, they see not picturesque walks along riverbanks, new aromas wafting their way, or foreign tongues catching their ears. They see long queues, packing restrictions, and suffocating crowds. Above all, they see the unknown. 

The idea of traveling alone can be even more jarring. Still, even if you’re afraid of traveling alone, you might feel a quiet stirring within to test yourself and see how far you can go, both on the map and in your mind. Doing so requires quieting the anxieties bubbling beneath the surface and turning your attention to the voice of optimism pushing you forward. These books will feed that voice.

The shortlist: 4 books on traveling alone to feed your wanderlust

1. Instructions for Traveling West — for encouragement when travels are difficult 

2. Wild — for courage to push yourself out of your comfort zone

3. The Barbizon — for inspiration to chase a dream

4. Roundabout to Moscow — for a reminder to always stay curious

4 books about traveling alone to inspire your next trip

The clichés of traveling are true, I fear. It, quite literally, expands your horizons and pushes you past the geography, language, and culture that have contained and shaped you. You meet new people, smell new smells, savor (or spit out) new tastes, and learn that the world and its inhabitants, customs, and philosophies are far more numerous than that which you’ve encountered—or will ever. For no matter how many flights we board or rails we cross, we simply can’t see everything, leaving many lessons unlearned and stories unread. 

All this to say, traveling is always worth the effort because we always return home with a new perspective about ourselves, the world, and everything we thought we knew. If you’ve never traveled alone before and you’re hesitant to try, let these stories inspire you.

1. “Instructions for Traveling West: Poems” by Joy Sullivan

About the author: Joy Sullivan (unknown) is a poet and educator. She was the poet-in-residence for the Wexner Center for the Arts and has guest-lectured at Stanford, Florida State University, and other institutions. She now leads writing workshops and writes the newsletter, Necessary Salt.

I love this book so much that I no longer own it. I gave it to a friend last year who had recently moved into a new apartment in a new city by herself. I hoped it would give her the same balm it did me. Written by Joy Sullivan during the pandemic, this collection of poems recounts the emotional aftermath of leaving: getting a divorce; quitting one’s job; moving across the country. 

As in solo travel, there’s loneliness in leaving. But loneliness is the necessary precursor to self-discovery, growth, and paths towards greater things: 

“First, you must realize you’re homesick for all the lives you’re not living. Then, you must commit to the road and the rising loneliness. To the sincere thrill of coming apart.”
— from “Instructions for Traveling West” by Joy Sullivan

During your solo travels, there will likely be moments where you feel you’re “coming apart.” That means you’re on the road to somewhere worthwhile. Keep trekking. 

This book is top-tier on my bookshelf. I’ve also included it among my recommendations for Books for Existential Dread, Books You Can Read in a Day, and Poems About New Beginnings for When You Need to Start Again, because when you’re short on strength and need respite fast, poetry is an always reliable cure. 

2. “Wild” by Cheryl Strayed

About the author: Cheryl Strayed (1968—) is an American writer and podcast host. In addition to “Wild,” she’s written two nonfiction books, “Tiny Beautiful Things” and “Brave Enough,” and one novel, “Torch.”

A sensation of the 2010s, Cheryl Strayed’s memoir also lives on in a 2014 film adaptation, in which Reese Witherspoon portrays the author’s daring quest to hike 1,000+ miles of the Pacific Crest Trail — without training, guidance, or companionship. It’s another poignant memoir that gives credence to the cliché: Particularly in periods of transition when what we thought were constants in our lives begin to give way, voluntarily displacing ourselves (however temporarily) is sometimes the only way to regain balance and rediscover ourselves. Or as is blithely summarized in small talk at parties, “Solo travel helped me find myself.” 

The loss of a parent and the end of a marriage are likely more relatable to a middle-aged audience, but younger readers can also find comfort in Strayed’s story as a reminder that the power to redesign your life and start anew is always within you. The presence (or absence) of others, though, can be a powerful force and, in some cases, the deciding factor of how we live our lives. Read How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone for proddings to regain your independence and stop waiting on other people’s permission to live your life.

3. “The Barbizon: The Hotel That Set Women Free” by Paulina Bren

About the author: Paulina Bren (1966—) is an American writer, historian, and Adjunct Professor of Multidisciplinary Studies on the Pittsburgh Endowment Chair in the Humanities at Vassar College. Born in Brno, Czechoslovakia, her early work focused on postwar Europe. In recent years, she’s turned her attention to women’s history. In 2024, she wrote “She-Wolves: The Untold History of Women on Wall Street.“

This book tells the story of a different kind of solo travel. Not one of visiting foreign lands for cultural or self-discovery but to begin a new life — and leave an old one behind. In “The Barbizon,” Paulina Bren tells the history of the Barbizon Hotel and its evolution from a respectable women’s boarding house to “the go-to destination for any young American woman with a dream to be something more.” Up until its closure in 1981, the women’s-only hotel hosted was a temporary home to “young women with artistic aspirations,” including names such as Sylvia Plath, Joan Didion, Grace Kelly, and Betsey Johnson. 

The most courageous solo trip one can take is with a one-way ticket, leaving behind all that is familiar for the promise of a better life. Though your next (or first) solo trip may include a return ticket, the stories of the young women who journeyed to The Barbizon are an inspiring reminder to take risks, move outside your comfort zone, and actively pursue becoming the person you want to be. 

Are you the person you want to be? Learning about who we are (and who we want to become) is a never-ending journey, but it helps to know where you’re starting from. These books on self-awareness can help you meet yourself.

4. “Roundabout to Moscow an Epicurean Journey” by John Bell Bouton

About the author: John Bell Bouton (1830—1902) was an American newspaper editor, journalist, and author. He also published a novel exploring male friendship, “Round the Block: An American Novel.“

Published in 1887, this travelogue captures John Bell Bouton’s journey to Russia and his experiences of new-to-him cuisine, landscapes, and people. 

Without the ease of modern technologies that make it easy to feel at home even when we’re on the other side of the world, it goes without saying that traveling (and traveling alone) in the 19th century was an altogether different kind of experience than we know today. Still, Bouton’s reflections remain relatable as they underscore one of the timeless benefits of traveling alone: freedom to let our curiosity lead us. Like “Instructions for Traveling West,” “Wild,” and “The Barbizon,” this solo travel book focuses not on destinations but on the desires to begin traveling and the many complications and delights encountered along the way. 

It’s much easier to let your own curiosity guide your travels when you’re not constantly tned into the voices of others. Getting off social media (or at least reducing your time spent staring into the void) makes a big difference. Learn How to Quit Social Media, without deleting your accounts, to turn your focus from algorithms to the real world.

Books on solo travel — my top pick

Poetry is always a good idea. Maybe you’re contemplating a cross-country road trip or a spontaneous trek to the other side of the world. Perhaps you just need a change of scenery, and a cozy weekend alone in the next over will do. Joy Sullivan’s poems can help you tune into heart’s yearnings so your feet can lead you where your soul needs to go.

Books on traveling alone remind us of what is possible

There’s something inherently stirring about the open road. When we move beyond our known territories (even just for a weekend), we allow ourselves to move into new ways of thinking and consider different realities. For embarking on the open road alone is as much a journey within as it is outward, giving you the chance to explore not only different tastes, sights, and sounds but different vesions of yourself. 

When travel feels out of reach, overwhelming, or otherwise unmanageable, books on traveling alone remind us that it’s never too late to begin the journey. We need only the courage to take the first step forward.

Next Steps:

Choose the first book that piques your interest. Don’t overthink it (and don’t put it off and keep scrolling). Not sure where to start. Just read a few pages to start. Joy Sullivan’s “Instructions for Traveling West” is short but powerful reading. 

Pick a day your next (or first) solo trip. It doesn’t have to be far to be worthwhile. Why not take a day trip to a neighboring town where you don’t know anyone and the streets are unusual? 

If you’ve never traveled alone before, practice doing things alone first in a place you feel comfortable in. A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge guides you through a week of bite-sized challenges to get more comfortabel (and confident) doing things alone without feeling lonely. 

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Books on Traveling Alone: FAQs

What are some good travel books to invoke wanderlust?

“Roundabout to Moscow” by John Bell Bouton is a 19th-century travelogue that inspires dreamy fantasies of crossing Europe by train. If you’re tired of RyanAir and crowded airports and want a slower, more romantic way to travel, start here.

What are the most inspirational books on traveling that you have read?

Cheryl Strayed’s “Wild” tells the tale of a recent divorcée who sets off to hike 1,000+ miles of the Pacific Crest Trail alone. It’s an inspiring story of challenging yourself, quite literally moving outside of your comfort zone, and finding it in you to anew when life comes undone. 

What is the best book you have read which has inspired you to travel and live abroad?

“The Barbizon” by Paulina Bren isn’t a modern memoir on becoming a digital nomad or bacpacking around the world. But in my eyes, it does much more to incite solo travel and inspire you to leave what you know a build the life you’ve been dreaming of. 

What are some good books to read while travelling?

While traveling alone, I suggest bringing along Joy Sullivan’s collection of poems, “Instructions for Traveling West.” Compared to a dense novel, it’s easy to start or end each day of your journey by reading one poem—and her verses on “commit[ting] to the road” and “the sincere thrill of coming apart” will help you stay the course even when things get tough. 

The post Books on Traveling Alone to Feed Your Wanderlust appeared first on A Merry Loner.

Don’t let your fear of traveling alone hold you back. These tips will help.

I’m pretty happy being by myself. In fact, I would say I’m comfortably a 4.5 on the Five Stages of Being a Merry Loner. I’ve gotten to the point where going to the cinema with anyone else seems utterly ridiculous (it’s the least social activity imaginable), and there is not a shred of self consciousness when eating alone at a restaurant. Zilch.

So, you’d assume solo travel would be a breeze, right? Well, let me introduce you to my pal: anxiety.

The shortlist: 4 strategies to stop being scared of traveling alone

1. If you’re spiraling over all the what-ifs
2. If you’ve heard hostels are great—but you’re nervous about staying with so many strangers
3. If you’ve got major decision fatigue when traveling alone
4. If you’re overwhelmed by all the new sights, sounds, and smells

Coping with solo travel anxiety

My love-hate relationship with anxiety (he is, in his own way, trying to protect me) began at an early age. I was the kid who got nervous at sleepovers, the one who fretted whether his toys were getting along, and above all, the one who really hated change. And guess what? As it turns out, travel is just one long exercise in change: new beds, new people, new daily uncertainties.

Despite all that, I’ve somehow managed to survive (and occasionally thrive) through two months of interrailing around Europe and half a year of navigating Turkey and Southeast Asia. In fact, as I type, I’m in the process of packing my bags to head back to Vietnam. All on my merry lonesome. 

Whether you’re a proud loner or just Loner Curious, it’s still normal to be a little scared of traveling alone—but that doesn’t mean you have to let solo travel anxiety hold you back from your dream destinations.  

Let’s go hand-in-hand through some of the top reasons people have a fear of traveling alone—and come up with strategies to kick your solo travel anxiety:

More articles on solo travel: 

Solo Travel to Paris: Itinerary for Traveling to Paris Solo + 26 Things to Do Alone in Paris

I Don’t Like Traveling Alone—But I Keep Doing It Anyway

Alone at Night in Paris—Where to Take Yourself on a Solo Date

What does solo travel have to do with being a merry loner?

It's one of the most easily recognizable parts of the merry loner lifestyle. While I love traveling with friends, there's nothing quite like the freedom of solo travel—no waiting on others to make plans and no needing anyone else's company to justify the trip.

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Sign up for A Merry Loner's weekly newsletter, and I'll share solo travel itineraries, city guides, and tips on where to go and how to enjoy it alone.

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1. You're spiraling over all the what-ifs

There is absolutely no getting around it: Traveling alone comes with uncertainty. In the bucketloads. 

You’re ditching the comfort of your own little bubble and swapping it for the big wide world. That can sound horrifically daunting, but taking it step by step is the way to go. And spoiler: The uncertainty and unknown is where the magic happens.

For me, the largest uncertainty was: “What if I can’t handle it?” For you, it might be: “What if I get ill?” “What if I hurt myself?” “What if I get stranded in an airport with the wrong visa?” 

Whatever it is, these are just the what-ifs, and they are a very, very natural response to the prospect of solo travel. Your brain is simply trying to prepare for the worst-case scenarios. 

It’s a pain in the arse, don’t get me wrong—but the less attention you give these thoughts, the less intense they become.

Tip: Prepare for your biggest solo travel fear—then let the rest go.

There’s a fine line between preparing and over-preparing. 

Obsessive planning tells your nervous system there’s something to fear, which keeps you stuck in anxious loops. Instead, pick one major thing to plan well, and let the rest go.

For me, that involves doing a decent amount of research on accommodation options. I’m not a party-person anymore, so ending up in a rowdy hostel or in a hotel next to a club is nightmare-fuel. Once I know that where I’m staying will be quiet, comfortable, and welcoming, a lot of my what-ifs calm down.

For you, that might look like researching good restaurants, being near a medical centre, or staying in the safest neighbourhood in the area.

Then you have to stay firm and not fall into the trap of prepping for everything else. Remind yourself you have sorted out your main concern and that you can handle whatever else is thrown your way.

2. You’ve heard hostels are great—but you’re nervous about staying with so many strangers

Storytime: After five dreamy days in the Algarve, beach-hopping, making new friends, and feeling freer than ever, I booked the first decent-reviewed hostel I could find en route to Seville. 

Big mistake. 

The place revolved around drinking games (conveniently held right outside my bedroom), and I shared a dorm with a 60-year-old whose snores registered on the Richter scale. As I lay there, bed shaking from the aftershocks and sleep deprived, I promised myself: no more rushed hostel bookings.

For us Merry Loners, hostels can present all sorts of hurdles and challenges. Of course, you can choose to avoid them entirely—but they’re affordable, and meeting people from all over the world is one of the best parts of travel (yes, even as a loner).

Tip: Look for quiet, non-party hostels

My top tip for you if you have solo travel anxiety about overcrowded hostels is to pick hostels that aren’t considered very social. 

There are a few ways to find these. First, look at the reviews. If you see things like “Really nice place, just a little quiet,” cha-ching! You’ve hit the jackpot. 

Second, avoid any hostel with an on-site or nearby bar (double-check the pictures for this). Next, don’t go with the cheapest option. You pay for what you get in hostels, and cheapo ones typically attract the loud crowds. 

I’m aware that it might sound like I’m setting you up for a boring stay, but keep in mind that for us introverted solo travelers, a place that is considered “not very social” to others could offer the perfect level of interaction for us. It also means you’re more likely to meet like-minded travelers.

A few more quick tips if you’re anxious about traveling alone and staying in a hostel:

If you’re staying in dorms, every week or two, book a couple days in a private room or move to a hotel.

If you’re a people-pleaser, practice saying no. Saying yes to everyone and every offer you receive is exhausting—people won’t mind if you decline.

3. You get major decision fatigue when traveling alone

Waking up each morning with a clean slate ahead and not having to cater to anyone else’s needs is unbelievably liberating. “Hmmm, today I think I’ll spend the morning at the beach, the afternoon at a cosy café with my book, and the evening eating good food with a view— bliss.”

There is, however, a negative to all this choice: decision fatigue. 

I’m not the most decisive person (at the best of times), but if you throw in tiredness, language barriers, and a steady stream of revolving new situations, I’m like a deer in headlights. 

I’m aware this sounds a little ridiculous.“Oh, poor you, having to decide what to do each day while traveling around the world must be so hard.” I get it. Plenty of my friends and family would kill for that challenge. But it’s a very real thing, and not having anyone to share decision-making responsibility with is tiring when you’re traveling alone.

Tip: Stick to routines, and keep your itinerary light

Routine is a key part of your life, whether you’re conscious of it or not. So when you’re on the road, finding structure is important. 

Try to stick to the same sleep/wake cycle when possible; develop an exercise schedule (however light); and attempt to eat meals at similar times each day.

Speaking of meals, don’t feel bad about eating at the same place for several days (or weeks) in a row. There’s great pressure when traveling to try all the amazing foods on offer, but sometimes having a regular spot you know and love can really reduce decision fatigue. 

I would also really recommend booking in “do nothing” days. 

It’s very tempting to pack your calendar full of activities so you don’t miss out on anything. Great on paper, absolutely rubbish in reality—you’ll soon crash and burn. If I’m in a place for a week, I block out at least two to three days for relaxing, laundry, life admin (the new Gym, Tan, Laundry for those Jersey Shore fans).

4. You’re overwhelmed by all the new sights, sounds, and smells

This point might not apply to you, but I wanted to include it because it’s something I’ve had to manage—and I have a sneaking suspicion that if you also enjoy time alone, you might be a little sensitive to sensory input, too.

Sensory processing sensitivity is a heightened sensitivity to sensory stimuli (try saying that quickly), like light, sound, smell, and touch. Basically, if you find yourself squirming when loud emergency vehicles soar past or you’re someone who hates overhead lights and opts for lamps and candles, you might fall into this category. 

It’s actually very common, with 15-20% of the population believed to experience the world in this way—so it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It can, however, impact how you take in the world when you’re on the road.

One of the most amazing things about travel is that everything is new. It’s like seeing the world through a toddler’s eyes, and it makes you realize how switched off you can be in normal life. But after a while, all these new sights, smells, noises, and tastes can feel a little too much, making the magic of a busy Bangkok market turn into a sensory slaughterhouse.

Tip: Pack gear to help you find your zen

This will depend on which sense is the most sensitive for you. For me, that’s sound, so  I won’t travel anywhere without my noise-cancelling headphones or earplugs. These two tools help bring the noise down to a far more manageable level and make me feel more in control of my environment.

If harsh lights bother you, I’ve found baseball caps and/or sunglasses are great, while steering clear of markets or harbors is best when smells are too much.

When in doubt, one of the best things you can do for sensory overload is to book a hotel room and allow yourself to withdraw from the world. Take a day or two with the curtains drawn, order food, and situate yourself horizontally. You’ll soon feel yourself again.

If imagining noisy, crowded environments is enough to get your solo travel anxiety going, then let’s take a look at some of the quieter spots you could enjoy on your travels: from the rivers of Yellowstone to the beaches of Ericeira to the cats of Istanbul.

I got over my fear of traveling alone—and you can too

If you had asked my friends a few years ago who among us would be the most likely to travel alone, I would have been rock bottom on the list—not due to my fear of being alone (quite the opposite) but due to solo travel anxiety. 

But  if I can do it, you absolutely can.

If you’re headed off on your first solo trip, then it’s normal to be feeling scared of traveling alone. To be honest, yes—you might have the odd wobble. But you’ll learn a lot about yourself (cliché, but true), meet some seriously interesting people, and have an adventure you’d never get sitting at home wondering, “What if?” 

So start your research (but not too much), pack your bags, and go forth into the big wide world, even if you’re still a little anxious. You got this. 

Daniel John

Daniel John is a freelance copywriter from the UK who spends his days writing words for brands across industries—from travel to automotive to mental health. When not working, you’ll most likely find him behind the lens coaxing cats into posing for the camera. You can see some of his professional work at danieljohncopy.com

danieljohncopy.com

Next Steps:

Start planning your solo trip. If could be close to home, like a weekend away in the next town. Or it could be a dreamy, long-haul vacation like a solo trip to Paris. If that’s the case, I’ve got your 7-day solo travel Paris itinerary.

Get a little more solo travel courage. If you’re not convinced about the value of solo travel, read this essay: I Don’t Like Traveling Alone—But I Keep Doing It Anyway.

Build some solo travel inspiration. Get yourself in the mood for solo travel planning with these 21 quotes for traveling alone. 

Use the image below to save this post to Pinterest so these tips are there when you need them. 

Discover how the merry loner lifestyle makes life more enjoyable:

LONER MINDSET: fresh perspectives on learning to genuinely enjoy your own company

BOOKS: reading lists for people who love being alone with a good story

ANALOG LIVING: inspiration to step back from the screen and live a life offline

SOLO TRAVEL: guides on where to go and how to enjoy it alone

MINDFUL CONSUMPTION: vetted recommendations for a simpler, less wasteful life

LONER Q&As: interviews from global voices on how to live a meaningful, enjoyable life

Feeling Lonely?

I believe a happy life starts with learning to love your own company.

Every week, I write a newsletter with notes on books, analog living, solo travel, and mindful consumption—the pillars of what I call the Loner Mindset.

Because when you can be happy on your own, you can do anything.

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The post Scared of Traveling Alone: How to Deal with Solo Travel Anxiety appeared first on A Merry Loner.

When the presence (or absence) of others becomes the deciding factor for how you live your life, your life isn’t your own anymore.

I have always valued my independence. Being an unabashed loner means I can do what I want, when I want, without waiting for other people to approve, text me back to make plans, or otherwise give me the green light.

But not everyone has a natural inclination to do things alone, and that’s normal. I’ve had friends flat-out tell me they would never even think of going out to dinner by themselves. Others have called me up to join them at the grocery store because they didn’t want to run errands alone. There’s nothing wrong with enjoy the company of others’; spending time with friends is fun, healthy, and a key part of what makes us human. It becomes problematic, however, when you feel you can’t do something by yourself; when you’re dependent on the presence or approval of others to do the things you want and you’re afraid to act without them. For example, what if there’s a new restaurant you want to try, a film you want to see, or a weekend trip you want to take? But no one’s free, so the plan gets put on hold indefinitely as it’s simply inconceivable to think you’d do it alone.

If that’s the case, then it might be time to work on your loner mindset.

The loner mindset isn’t about shunning others or being anti-social. It’s not even about being an introvert. It’s about self-confidence, self-esteem, and feeling happy, calm, and at ease on your own. Learning to achieve this is really the best gift you can give yourself. Because if you can be happy on your own, then you can do anything.

In this post, I share five simple ways to get better at doing things alone so you can do things on your own without feeling self-conscious, lonely, or like everyone is staring at you.

The shortlist: 5 simple ways to get better at doing things alone

1. Understand what’s really making you nervous
2. Start small with low-stress activities
3. Imagine the worst-case scenario (so you can prepare for it)
4. Remind yourself: no one is actually looking at you
5. Try again—even if you didn’t like it the first time

1. Understand what’s really making you nervous

Being a human is a complicated mess, and a large part of that mess comes from social interactions. Even the most extroverted social butterflies can still get nervous in a room full of strangers. In fact, research from PLoS ONE posits that social anxiety disorder (which is “one of the most common psychiatric disorders characterized by a persistent and over-whelming fear of being negatively evaluated in one or more social or interactional situations”) can happen to lots of different people.

To get better at doing things alone, the trick isn’t to totally eradicate feelings of nerves or anxiety. (They’re kind of part of the package deal of being a human creature.) But you can learn to deal with the feelings, and that’s easier to do when you know exactly what’s making you nervous. Though nerves and anxiety can often feel like one big, foreboding cloud, there is a source. Finding it is the first step to overcoming it.

For example, suppose you want to take yourself out to dinner at that new Japanese restaurant. What are you anxious about? Do you think sitting at a table alone will make it look like you got stood up? Are you worried about what you would do if you didn’t sit on your phone the whole time? (Like stare into blank space like a weirdo while couples and friends canoodle around you?) Are you dreading telling the host “just one” and watching them smile kindly at you with what you can only assume is pity?

If you can specify the thing(s) that are making you nervous, then you can: 1) try to rationalize it away; and/or 2) come up with a strategy to tackle it.

Let’s take that dinner for example. If you want to go out by yourself and not doom-scroll the entire time (you’re already winning), be prepared to fight the urge to fidget by bringing along a book. Not that much into reading? Go analog and old-school with a stack of magazines. (You can buy those at the drugstore, by the way, for my readers who may have never touched a glossy stack in their Gen Z lives.)

Need a book for your solo dinner? See my curated reading lists, classic and contemporary book recommendations, and themed round-ups to accompany you on your solo night out.

Key Takeaway: To learn how to overcome the fear of doing things alone, first you need to understand that fear. Take time to really think about what’s making you uncomfortable. Once you can name it, you can plan for it, challenge it, or let it go.

2. Start small with low-stress activities

Sometimes, baby steps can make all the difference. In August 2024, I flew from Paris to Warsaw to see The Eras Tour all by myself. I’ve been told this is living The Merry Loner Lifestyle on expert level. If you’re not there yet (and you don’t plan to ever be there), that’s okay. Just start small.

If you’re getting ready to learn how to start doing things alone, go slow and easy with low-stress, everyday activities. Here are few ideas of beginner-friendly activities to start doing things alone:

• Sit in a coffee shop for a few hours, but don’t use your phone. Instead, read a book. Bring a pack of cards and play solitaire. Knit. Draw. Hell, you could even just sit and sip and people-watch. The point is: Don’t do anything that takes you away from yourself or the present moment, i.e., scrolling on social media.

• Go on a long walk. Again, no distractions. No listening to podcasts. No phoning a friend. Music is okay, but it’s even better if you can just really let yourself be alone with your thoughts for a bit to daydream.

• Take yourself to a matinee movie. Remember those? ICYMI, movie theaters have gotten a facelift since the pandemic. The snacks have improved. The seats are more comfortable. There’s even booze. Alone at the movies, you don’t need to share snacks or agree on a time. Plus, no one’s paying attention to the empty seat beside you; they’re focused on the screen, just like you.

By starting with a gentle, low-stress activity, you’ll get to try out how it feels doing things alone in a low-pressure environment.

Try This: If hitting up coffee shops on your own is already the norm for you, let’s step outside of the box a little bit. For more inspiration on activities to help you learn how to get better at doing things alone, check out 5 New Things I Want to Do Alone This Year.

3. Imagine the worst-case scenario (so you can prepare for it)

Sometimes, a little doomsday thinking can actually help you look on the bright side.

Say you want to sign up for a cooking class, but none of your friends are into it and you’re worried about looking awkward when everyone else pairs up. Lean into that anxiety. What if no one talks to you? What Iif you’re the worst in the class and everyone notices? What if you feel like the odd one out the whole time?

What if? Are any of these outcomes really that bad? So no one talks to you; chances are, they’re nervous too. A small smile and an introduction from your part could be just the thing to put you (and them) at ease, and maybe even make a new friend.

The “worst case” is never as bad as we think.

Once you take the time to imagine your worst-case scenario and truly picture it happening, you can often poke holes in it and realize that even if it did happen, you’d still be okay, and perhaps even proud of yourself for trying. It’s called decatastrophizing, a technique “that explores the reality of a feared stimulus as a way of diminishing its imagined or anticipated danger,” as defined by the American Psychological Association. You can use it for help the next time you’re in an anxiety spiral, worrying about how to do things alone without feeling self-conscious.

Key Takeaway: Even if something embarrassing happens, it’s not really the end of the world. By imagining your fear in detail, you can give yourself a little reality check and realize that feeling awkward and embarrassed is a totally surmountable problem.

Curious how else a little doomsday thinking can (strangely) help you be more optimistic? Read “Life Is Sad, and Then You Die” for a surprising revelation that can help you find peace.

4. Remind yourself: no one is actually looking at you

If going to a concert by yourself or taking yourself out to that new French restaurant seems a little daunting, you’re not being weird. This is actually a totally normal reaction. It’s called the spotlight effect. As defined in a study by T Gilovich et al. for the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, the spotlight effect describes the phenomenon where “people overestimate the extent to which their actions and appearance are noted by others.” In other words, you think people are paying attention to you a lot more than they actually are. As part of the study, some participants were asked to walk around wearing a tee shirt with either a flattering or embarrassing picture; most people overestimated the number of observers who remembered what they were wearing, i.e., nobody cares that much about what you’re doing.

Unwittingly, I was referencing this phenomenon when I was giving advice to fellow students back in high school.

If a friend was feeling nervous before giving a presentation in front of the class (again, a totally normal feeling), I would say to them: “There’s no need to be nervous. Were you paying attention to anybody else’s presentation on the potato famine? No, you were bored and daydreaming. No one is going to be listening attentively to your presentation.”

In hindsight, that probably came off as a little cold, but my intention was pure: Don’t sweat it. People aren’t paying as much attention to you as you think. What are they paying attention to? Themselves, probably.

It’s a brain thing, apparently. A paper by Meghan L Meyer et al. published in the Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience observed that “the same part of the brain that supports self-reflection…also spontaneously engages by default whenever the brain is free from external demands to attention.” In other words, when we have a free minute, we default to thinking about ourselves, yet another reason to remind yourself that when you’re out in public doing something alone (whether that’s dining solo in a restaurant or going to a concert), nobody is paying attention to you. So feel free to do what you want, anxiety-free.

Key Takeaway and Tip: When you’re eating dinner out alone, going solo to the movies, or taking yourself out on another solo date and you start to feel self-conscious, remind yourself that people are not hyper-focusing on you like you worry they are. You’re just yet another person experiencing the spotlight effect (and everyone else is doing it, too).

5. Try again, even if you didn’t like it the first time

You know what they say: “If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.” Turns out, there’s a bit of psychological truth to that. Per the Cleveland Clinic, exposure therapy is “a type of therapy in which you’re gradually exposed to the things, situations, and activities you fear.”

I’m not saying that people need to go to therapy to learn how to get better at doing things alone. But the idea behind this technique is that by gradually facing your fears in approachable, manageable steps, you can little by little reduce anxiety, build your confidence, and make the intimidating thing less intimidating.

Again, it’s good to start with baby steps, like that coffee shop visit or solo walk in the park. But if your first solo outing feels uncomfortable, awkward, or makes you come home with your palms sweating, don’t give up after the first round. Stick with it.

Try a new solo activity altogether

There are literally infinite things you can do by yourself. Go to the cinema. Go see a play. Go ice skating. Sign up for a painting class. Take a sketch pad, head to the park, and do your best to capture nature’s beauty. Buy a Sudoko book and spend 30 minutes using your brain (and ignoring your phone) outside in the sunshine.

As the old saying goes: “Only boring people get bored.” So if you haven’t had any luck enjoying spending time with yourself, it’s not because it’s impossible; you just haven’t found the right fit yet.

Try your first solo activity again, but change one thing

Maybe reading solo in a cafe isn’t your thing. But reading in a cocktail bar with a gin and tonic? That could be the ultimate relaxing experience. Or maybe instead of setting up camp with your sketchpad in the busiest part of the park, you try heading to a calmer, quieter corner.

Learning how to start doing things alone can take a bit of experimenting, but that’s half the fun of it. Part of the beauty of learning to enjoy spending time with yourself is that you’re always on a great, big, magical quest of getting to know yourself. What piques your interest? What makes you curious? What do you find annoying? What did you use to find annoying, but with time and a new perspective, you’ve come to love?

Revert back to step one: understand what’s really making you nervous

Now’s the time to whip out your journal, your Notes app, a nearby paper napkin, or wherever else you can turn your thoughts into written word. If that first solo activity didn’t click, why? What went wrong? How did it make you feel? And what didn’t you like about that feeling?

The first step in solving a problem is to name it. Then, you can tweak your approach and try again next time. For example, if going to a museum by yourself made you feel too fidgety, bored, and stuck in your own head, then how about trying something a little more hands-on next time? Like signing up for a painting class, gardening outside, or going for a hike.

Key Takeaway: If you didn’t have the time of your life on your first solo date, that’s okay. Just don’t give up here. Reflect on what you didn’t like. Think about what you can do differently next time. And then try again.

Learning how to get better at doing things alone takes more than one shot, and that’s kind of the point. With every solo date, you’re learning more about yourself and building your confidence.

This isn’t about doing everything alone all the time; community is still important

The point of figuring out how to get better at doing things alone isn’t to avoid doing things with other people.

Belonging to and participating in a community plays an important role in enduring mental and even physical health. The research is all there:

• Social interaction is good for your health. A study from Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America found that more social interaction “was associated with lower risk of physiological dysregulation,” AKA, your body’s ability to keep internal systems stable and balanced. In contrast, the same study found that people who are socially isolated can have greater risk of hypertension than those with diabetes.

• The benefits extend to both physical and mental health. Per a study from SSM – Population Health, a weaker sense of community was associated with “poorer general and mental health.” And that goes for all three age groups studied: from 18 to over 60 years old.

• Having strong social relationships may even make you live longer. After assessing the findings of 148 studies, Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a psychologist at Brigham Young University, in Provo, Utah, came to the conclusion that “the size and quality of people’s social relationships either equalled or outmatched almost all the other factors in determining people’s mortality.” Source: BBC

So, why prioritize alone time? Spending time alone, caring for yourself, and learning more about who you are ultimately makes you a better you — and a better person to participate in and support your community, who, in turn, can better support and nurture you. It all comes full circle. Learn to fill your own cup, and you can better pour into others. Everyone wins.

Solitude isn’t a problem to be solved

There’s nothing wrong with craving company. We’re social animals and hardwired for community and connection. But when the presence (or absence) of others becomes the deciding factor for how you live your life, your life isn’t your own anymore.

Doing things alone isn’t lame. It isn’t embarrassing. And it doesn’t have to be anxiety-inducing. It’s a skill and something you can learn (and get better at) over time. Yes, sometimes it feels awkward, especially at first. But every time you take yourself out (whether that’s for a dinner, a walk in the park, or a weekend trip), you realize that you’re capable of creating your own happiness.

That’s freedom, not loneliness.

Next Steps:

Plan a solo date. Because if there’s something you really want to do, why wait for a date? This Guide to Dating Yourself explains why you should prioritize spending time with yourself and shares a few easy-breezy solo date ideas.

Get inspiration for your first (or next) solo trip. It could be as simple as a day trip to the next town over, a weekend away a few hours from your home, or something bold and bucket-list-worthy, like a solo trip to Paris.

Learn how to feel more comfortable going to social events alone, like going to a wedding solo (it’s not as daunting as it sounds).

Practice doing things alone, step by step. A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge gives you bite-sized daily challenges to help you experiment with doing things alone—no stress, no judgment.

How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone: Common FAQs

Why do I not like doing things alone?

A lot of us were taught that it’s shameful, lame, or embarrassing to do things alone. Oh, that must mean that no one picked you. Or you got stood up. Or you were left out of the party. Too often, people seem to forget that spending time alone can be a choice—not a consequence of lack of an invitation. Unfortunately, a lot of us picked up this bad habit. But you can start getting over it and learn how to get better at doing things alone with A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge.

How can I enjoy doing things alone and not feel the need to have someone to accompany me?

Reframe the scenario. Instead of thinking, “I have no one to go to dinner with tonight,” remind yourself: “This is pretty sweet. I can pick the restaurant. I can pick the time. And I can linger over dessert as long as I please.”

It can feel awkward, nerve-wracking, or even a little scary to start doing things alone if you’re always used to having a wingman. So if you still need a little emotional support on your first solo outing, why not bring along another kind of wingman? It could be a book, a journal, a sketchpad, a crossword puzzle. Just don’t let your phone be your wingman. The idea is to disconnect and focus on some in-the-moment you time—no FOMO or doom-scrolling allowed.

How to get used to doing things alone?

It’s like any skill: practice. If your first solo data feels uncomfortable or just weird, try not to overthink it. No one was staring at you. You didn’t have spinach in your teeth. And even if you said something a little lame, I can promise you that everyone has forgotten it by now.

The most important thing is that you get back out there again, whether that’s at the coffee house, restaurant, or yoga studio. The more you try new things alone, the more comfortable (and confident) you’ll feel about yourself.

How do you stop being scared of doing things alone?

Remember as a kid, how your mind would play tricks on you after watching a scary movie? Your imagination is where most of the fear lives. So bring yourself back to reality. Use the worst-case scenario trick from earlier. Ask yourself: “What exactly am I afraid of? What would I do if that actually happened?” Upon a little deeper reflection, you’ll find that most fears (like awkward glances or feeling out of place) are totally survivable.

Plus, courage builds over time. The more you push yourself outside of your comfort zone and spend time doing things alone, the easier (and more rewarding) it will be.

More articles on the Loner Mindset

• ​Living Alone as a Woman: Why Every Woman Should Live Alone at Least Once​
• ​​7 Books on Self-Awareness to Become a Better Person​
• ​​​I Don’t Like Traveling Alone—But I Keep Doing It Anyway

The post How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone appeared first on A Merry Loner.

Staying focus-driven sometimes means staying misunderstood. 

From being the only person on her high school’s math olympics team to moving from Argentina to the U.S. during college to taking a months-long international solo trip in her early twenties, Giuliana Mendoza has always done things her way. And with an independent streak that sometimes takes you off the beaten path, comes the doubters, the naysayers, and the judges. 

In a conversation with A Merry Loner, Giuliana shares how she sets intentional goals, cultivates a resilient mindset, and sticks to her guns, no matter what the critics say. 

Sign up here to get all future Loner Q&As delivered straight to your inbox.

Related Posts:

• Protecting Your Alone Time: Shelby DiNobile on Learning How to Prioritize Yourself
• Food Editor Ally Mitchell on the Power of Taking Risks Alone
• 7 Books on Self-Awareness to Become a Better Person

Let’s talk about the months-long solo trip you took in your early twenties—what was that like? 

I will never forget when I traveled around Europe. I did meet up with some friends in certain cities, but I was mostly by myself. I was on this flight from Dublin to Rome, and I was telling [my seat neighbors] how I was planning on going to all these different places and I was doing it by myself for a month, and they were like, “That’s strange.” It wasn’t like, “Oh, be careful.” It was just like, “That’s very strange, and people will, like, judge you for being by yourself as a woman.” It was like, “Something’s wrong with you or whatever.” It was just funny to me. I remember that comment. It didn’t impact anything for me on that trip, but it was just a funny perspective to get. 

So I was by myself doing a lot of this traveling, and I think I’m very aware of my surroundings, so it never really occurred to me that I wasn’t safe. I think that’s one of the biggest questions I get from girls who are trying to go to Europe for the first time and might be thinking about solo traveling. They’re always concerned about safety.

“I’m ready to go. I’m ready to start exploring, and I don’t want to be held back [by] someone.”

I think in a sense, I’m grateful those things didn’t really cross my mind because maybe if I had been a little more cautious, I would have held back a little. But, yeah, I felt really safe, and I loved my time—just deciding what I wanted to do every day and not having anyone determine or have an influence on my plans. I think that was the biggest thing for me: I’m ready to go. I’m ready to start exploring, and I don’t want to be held back [by] someone.

There are some people who want to try solo travel, but they’re nervous. Like you said, maybe because of safety or just wondering what they would do by themselves. For example, eating alone at a restaurant is really scary for a lot of people—and restaurants are a huge part of travel. What advice could you give to people who are worried about traveling alone? 

I think one of the nice things about social media is that you can find a lot of inspiration. If you are someone who just doesn’t know how they would do this, sometimes it helps to see someone else doing it. There are a lot of solo travelers sharing their experiences and how they do it. I think that’s great. 

I think it’s great to ask for advice. If you know someone who has done it, just ask them for tips. I do that all the time. I remember, one of my friends at work, he came up to me recently, and he was like, “I want to thank you for encouraging me to go to Ireland by myself.” He was like, “I fell in love with Ireland, and I would have never done if you weren’t, like, ‘Just go by yourself!’” I remember him coming up to me and being like, “oh, I wanna go, but nobody wants to come with me” or “it’s hard to plan with another friend.” And I was like, “Just go by yourself.” I’ve been to Ireland by myself many times, and it’s such a great country to explore by yourself.

To hear that that was all he needed to do it, it meant a lot to me. And I remember, last year, we went to hibachi, and this other family sat next to us. This girl was saying she’d been dying to go to Europe, and I said, “You should totally go by yourself.” I ended up becoming friends with her on Instagram, and I saw a couple weeks ago, she posted this whole, like, gratitude post about how much growth she’s experienced traveling around Italy by herself. And I was just like, “Yay, she did it!” But she was really scared.

Was your Europe trip your first time traveling by yourself? 

It was my first big trip. Definitely not my first time doing any kind of travel by myself. Actually, right after I graduated, I went to California by myself.

I was kind of a geek in high school; I was in the math Olympics. And I was the only person in my school that was part of the math Olympics. So every time I got to travel for that, it was just me. I was used to staying in the hotel by myself—and my mom never came along on those [trips] because I had my [younger] sister. So I did that kind of on my own. 

Was it scary for you at first to travel by yourself? Or was it always no big deal for you? 

I think I’ve always been a little independent. I’ve always had, kind of, this entrepreneurial mindset, as well. I’ve always saved my own money, which allows you to do the things that you want to do without having to ask for permission. Like say, if the school wasn’t funding the math Olympics or whatever, I could be like, “Well, I’ll fund myself.” Things like that.

I think there’s a lot of freedom that comes with having that type of personality and perspective. I was always like that from a young age. 

And this was back in Argentina, right? When did you move to the US? 

After I did at least two years of college. I was two weeks short of turning 21. [I was living with my dad,] but as soon as I got my job, I moved out. And I didn’t have any roommates, which also was weird. People were like, “You don’t have any roommates? What do you mean you don’t have any roommates?” And I was like, “I just want to live by myself. I can afford to do that, and it works for me. I don’t need any roommates.” 

I had grown up sharing a room with my sister—she was kind of my roommate, and she stayed back in Argentina. So then it was just like, “Okay. I’m out of that roommate phase because my sister’s not here, and now I’m just on my own.” 

When you moved to the US, your dad was already here, but that’s still a very big move to do at a fairly young age. What were some of the fears or excitement you had? 

I was very excited. I was ready for the life that I knew I could have in the US. I think the whole college experience was a little scary, especially because I had never gone to school in English. I had done everything through high school in Argentina in Spanish, and then I had started college in Spanish. So coming here—even though I was bilingual—coming here and having to write papers in English and do all of my schooling in English was something that definitely felt a little scary. But I knew I could do it. 

I even remember the whole application process. I was very blessed to get a full scholarship to URI, and that required a lot of extra steps to get funding. So it wasn’t just me applying to school; it wasn’t just me transferring and getting validation for my classes that I had already taken. It was also me trying to get the money that I needed to afford school here. I had to take everything one step at a time, and that’s just how I felt about the school experience once I got here. It was like, “Okay, one class at a time. We’ll see how everything goes, so don’t overwhelm yourself.”

It sounds very overwhelming—the move, the paperwork, everything. And you were doing that all by yourself. People can get really overwhelmed sometimes and just want to give up. What advice can you give to someone who feels like they’re facing too many obstacles and doesn’t even want to try anymore? 

Just to keep your goal in mind and why you’re doing [it]. That was always top of mind for me. Just reminding myself what was at the finish line and that everything was going to be worth it. I think I do that in everything in my life. When you see the big picture, you understand that everything else is just something that gets you closer to that.

It does require you to be super focused and disciplined, but it’s okay to take breaks when you need to or to. I think a lot of people, they’re like, “Oh, I have to knock this out,” or they overwhelm themselves. But you don’t have to. If you give yourself time, you can just [go] step by step and switch gears a little bit if you need to and to come back to it. 

You’re such a doer. You’ve got a very demanding job in tech, and you’re also doing projects on the side, like working with Beautycounter for more ethical cosmetic manufacturing. What gives you your drive?

Passion. I think when you find something you love, it just doesn’t feel extra. It doesn’t feel like work. I know there’s a lot of cheesiness around that, but I think it’s just something I really enjoy—and I try to find things that feel that way. Right? And if they don’t, it’s okay to admit that to yourself. 

“It’s okay to say no to something that you might have started and that no longer lights you up.”

I think I’ve seen people start things and then be like, “Oh, now I’m stuck with this project or something that I started, and I’m not really feeling passionate about it anymore.” It’s okay to say no to something that you might have started and that no longer lights you up. I think I’m really good at that. I’m really good at focusing on the things that bring me joy.

One of the reasons I started my work with Beautycounter was the advocacy work. I think it’s just so meaningful. Again, there’s this big picture. So when it’s hard to squeeze in the things that I’m trying to do for that advocacy work, I just remind myself, “Oh, this is gonna help [someone.]” I think I’ve been lucky to feel inspired and do things that bring me joy. 

I think an important component is being self-assured, especially if you get a little pushback. I’m sure you’ve heard all the controversies about MLMs [multi-level marketing businesses] and how they’re a scam. Do you ever get negative feedback? How do you continue working on something that’s important to you when people are criticizing it? 

I think that’s why it’s so important to have conviction about the work you’re doing. I don’t care about [other people’s] opinions about my life or the work that I do. And I think with Beautycounter, it is a little easier because we are very different. We’re a B corp. I think there are only two brands in this space that are certified B corporations, so I always felt that Beautycounter was so different, and it was easy for me to speak to that when people had differing opinions.

I think in everything in this world, people might have opinions, and they just might not be informed, you know? They might have had a bad experience. I always felt it was part of my job to educate and to make sure that if someone is going to have an opinion that at least they have the right information to form that opinion. 

I think having a strong sense of conviction and self confidence comes a lot more naturally for some people than it does for others. What advice could you give someone who has something that’s important to them that they want to work on, but they’re having a hard time staying the course when they get negative feedback from others? 

Mel Robbins has this theory. It’s called the “Let Them” theory. It’s basically, like, let people think what they want to think. Let them do whatever. You stay focused. I think, like you said, it is harder for some people to not feel the weight of other people’s opinions. But I think it has to do a lot with mindset—and mindset is something that you work on, right?

“Let people think what they want to think. Let them do whatever. You stay focused.”

I think reading certain authors and listening to podcasts and kind of shifting the way your mind works makes you more confident. Even, like, the most badass founders out there are scared, have gotten a ton of no’s, have gotten doors shut in their faces—but they just kept going. If you don’t have that already, you have to make that shift.

It’s like that old saying: “You are who and what you surround yourself with.” When you change what you’re consuming every day, it really changes the way you think. Do you have any recommendations? 

I really like Simon Sinek. He has a couple books: Start with Why; Leaders Eat Last. And I just started Confessions of a Female Founder. I’m probably going to listen to every episode from that one because she’s [Meghan Markle] going to have different female founders, sharing their entrepreneurial experience. 

I think something that also really helps with that is taking some alone time to reflect, refocus on your priorities, and recharge a little. I’m that way—I’m quite social, but I really need my alone time to come back to myself. What are your favorite ways to recharge? 

I’m really big on self care. Red light therapy, skin care. I feel like those are just little rituals in your day where you can just take time off. I have a Lumebox, and I basically just sit in front of it for twenty minutes at the end of the day. It’s like my time to just sit there with my thoughts and let the light hit me. 

And then my skin care because I’m taking care of myself, and I think there’s something about connecting with your body and massaging yourself and things like that. And it’s a little ritual and something that you do for yourself. When you are a mom and you’re caring for little ones, it’s like, “Okay. This is my time” I also take long, hot showers. I find it just very calming, and I have eucalyptus in my shower—I love it. Just enjoying that hot shower and that me time. 

For some people, enjoying that alone time can actually be quite difficult. In those moments where you’re alone, instead of recharging, you can have a feeling of FOMO or “I should be doing something productive instead of relaxing.” What advice would you give someone to learn to appreciate alone time more? 

I think we need it. I think it’s important, and I choose to make it a priority because of how it recharges me. I think one of the issues with society, like you just said, is that we need to feel productive. 

And sometimes rest is productive. Sometimes rest is more productive than you doing something. So you might have FOMO or you might have guilt because you’re not making progress on something. It’s like when you were studying for exams in school, and you’re thinking, “Oh, my gosh. If I take a one-hour break, I should be studying during this time.” But now you’re going to be so much more focused because you took that one hour to rest, recharge, take a hot shower, take a break from studying, and then come back to it. And I think that is so much more valuable than not taking that time. 

Recommended Reading:

• 21 Quotes for Traveling Alone
• No Date? No Problem—A Guide to Dating Yourself in 2025
• 5 New Things I Want to Do Alone This Year
• How to Balance Solitude and a Social Life: A Dual Guide for Introverts & Extroverts
• How to Get Over Yourself and Go to that Damn Wedding, Gloriously Solo

Recommendations: How Giuliana indulges in his Loner time

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Himalayan Salt Scrub

Goop

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Marine Algae Eye Cream for Fine Lines & Dark Circles + Squalane

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The post Staying Focus-Driven: How Giuliana Mendoza Tunes Out the Noise & Focuses on Her Purpose appeared first on A Merry Loner.

Without a travel partner, I forced myself to shake off my inhibitions, allowing myself to be vulnerable.

“Can I just sit anywhere?” I asked the waiter. He stared at me for a beat. “Can I just sit anywhere?” I repeated, suddenly wondering if I had violated an obscure Colombian cultural norm by asking. Maybe, in Colombia, you were supposed to just boldly sit down anywhere, even if you didn’t have a reservation. Maybe this was another negative aftereffect of Spanish colonialism that I didn’t yet understand.

Finally, the waiter shook off his reverie and listlessly gestured to a table, still apparently confused. Sinking into my seat, I basked in the knowledge that I had successfully acquired a place in this restaurant.

It wasn’t until hours later that I learned there was a difference between sentarse (to sit) and sentirse (technically, to feel one’s self). I hadn’t, in fact, been asking if I could sit anywhere. Instead, I had been asking, repeatedly and with confidence, “Can I just touch myself anywhere?”

I blamed my boyfriend Renzo. He was supposed to protect me from these situations; he was the native Spanish speaker of the two of us. However, he had been busy with a work meeting that day during the hour of my solo excursion. But little did I know that this was merely the first of many similar situations. 

For the past year, we had both been working remotely, so Renzo could play translator whenever I forgot a word or didn’t have enough functioning brain cells. But many months after my restaurant faux pas, Renzo’s job stopped being remote, temporarily separating us and leading me to embark on several solo travel journeys that turned me into a Merry Loner. Here’s what happened—and what I learned.

Related Posts:

• I Don’t Like Traveling Alone—But I Keep Doing It Anyway
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• Extroverts Can Be Loners, Too: How Solo Travel Taught Sarah Silvia to Love Spending Time Alone

Embrace mistakes

Mixing up sentirse and sentarse is not the only mistake I’ve made while speaking another language. 

In French, I once accidentally ordered a toddler-sized bottle of wine for my mom, who barely drinks. In Italian, I accidentally told a flight attendant I was vegan. In Portuguese, I accidentally declared to an entire room that I was straight. But in all of these cases, I was able to overcome my temporary embarrassment by laughing everything off.

Speaking another language can be frustrating and even terrifying, but it helps if you take yourself less seriously. Even if you’re the smartest person in the world, you’ll make mistakes when you first engage with a new language. 

This is humbling; this is ego death. This is life. It happens when you have no one else to rely on but yourself.

Seek creative solutions

When Renzo and I were constantly traveling together, he would fight my battles for me in Spanish as if we were Meegan and Andre. Without him, I’ve not only improved my Spanish but learned to fend for myself. 

For instance, when I was in the northeastern Colombian city of Bucaramanga for a travel writing assignment, I couldn’t find a pool with open hours for lap swimming. Every person I talked to had said that I needed to pay for lessons. The problem was that I already knew how to swim. 

So I decided to pay for lessons. Then when I met the instructor, I simply told him that I could already swim and that he was now officially on paid vacation. In one fell swoop, I had both unlocked a new level of Spanish and learned how to navigate the informal currents of Colombian culture. 

Since that moment, I’ve tackled all of my obstacles with a sense of playfulness and calm. It’s the best way to stay sane when I have no one else to vent or laugh about my troubles with. Plus, my swim instructor was able to use his time off to finish The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.

Step outside your comfort zone

If you are an introvert, then the idea of asking a stranger for help can incite a nervous breakdown. But sometimes, you have to push yourself and take that extra step. 

Case in point: In my second year of solo trips without Renzo, I found myself in a pickle. I was in the Calanques of southern France, slightly lost and more than a little shaken after a disastrous solo lunch in which I broke every rule of French etiquette. (I used the wrong spoon; I dipped the wrong bread in my soup; I smiled too much.)

But soon, I noticed a fellow Merry Loner, equally lost-looking and (as I would soon discover) similarly separated from his boyfriend, who was temporarily overseas. I swallowed my fear, ignoring my impulse for shyness, and asked this man if he knew how to find a trail back to civilization. In the end, we found it together and even swam in a grotto for a bit. He lent me his towel. 

Though I had indeed relied on the kindness of a stranger, I strangely felt more independent afterwards. Without a travel partner, I’d forced myself to shake off my inhibitions, allowing myself to be vulnerable. I could now add “asking for help” to my arsenal.

Don’t neglect yourself

Solo travel can be intimidating, but you’ll need to engage in active self-love to succeed. 

Whenever I’ve traveled without Renzo, I always made it a point to find sites for phoneless reflection. Facing a sunset. Behind an abandoned warehouse. Under the shade of an oak tree. I’ve needed this time to confront my thoughts, uncover my pain, and reflect upon my experiences. Only then have my lessons been learned or even recognized.

Without that time for reflection, solo travel would have become a series of meaningless images and sounds, soulless and uninspiring, pushing me back into my comfort zone. I also wouldn’t have grown to see myself as my own best travel partner.

Boyfriend? What boyfriend?

Solo travel has also made me a better boyfriend. Armed with self-knowledge, I’ve grown more skilled at communicating my needs and accommodating Renzo’s. I fight my own battles but seek help when I need it. I learn from my mistakes. I appreciate the smaller moments.

That said, boyfriends remain overrated. Don’t wait on your significant other if you want to book that ticket to Rome. Go. A sunrise epiphany on Capitoline Hill only happens once in a lifetime. Date night can happen any old Wednesday.

Recommended Reading:

• 7 Books on Self-Awareness to Become a Better Person
• 21 Quotes for Traveling Alone
• How to Live a More Analog Life: 5 easy, cheap (or free) ideas
• 5 New Things I Want to Do Alone This Year
• How to Get Over Yourself and Go to that Damn Wedding, Gloriously Solo

Evan E. Lambert is an essayist, journalist, travel writer, and short fiction author with clips at Thought Catalog, People, Business Insider, Mic, Going, Santa Fe Writers Project, Paste, Motley Bloom, and more. He spends much of his time in Lima, Peru, and is fluent in Spanglish.

The post What I Learned Traveling the World Alone Without My Partner appeared first on A Merry Loner.

Working on yourself is the most important work of your life.

My toxic trait is that I can be quite oblivious to my surroundings. 

Until recently, I had no idea that that friend of a friend had a crush on me. Yesterday I walked right by a friend who was waving to me in the street—not because I’m a stuck-up snob with my nose in the air, but because I genuinely didn’t notice her. Sometimes, I childishly don’t realize what I’m feeling about a specific situation until I’ve had the time and distance to sort it all out in my head (and maybe also have a snack, which somehow makes everything clearer).

I’ve always got my head in the clouds, but lately I’ve been trying to come back down to Earth. At least for a little bit. 

And I’m getting there with a little help from my friends. By friends, I mean a whole retinue of books on awareness—books on self-awareness, that is. 

I’ve done a lot of reading, a lot of highlighting, and a lot of dog-earing the pages. (Don’t tell your neurotic book friends.)

In my eternal quest for self-development, I think I’m getting one step closer with my carefully curated list of the seven best books on self-awareness.

The shortlist: 7 best books on self-awareness

1. Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers — if you’re feeling stressed

2. You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters — if you have the sinking suspicion that you’re actually the one who’s the bad listener…

3. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life —if you keep having arguments with your loved ones (or your not loved ones)

4. I’m Glad My Mom Died — if you feel guilty about being mad at someone

5. The School of Life: An Emotional Education — if you are losing yourself in this crazy, overwhelming world (which is totally understandable by the way)

6. Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals — if you worry about never having enough time to do all of the things you want (and/or feel like you have) to do… 

7. Irresistable: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked — if you know you’re too plugged into tech, but you don’t know how to stop

More articles on books:

5 Alternatives to Amazon for Books (and why I no longer buy books from Amazon)

Easiest Classic Novels to Read

Books for Existential Dread

What do books have to do with being a merry loner?

Books are natural companions for merry loners. We love being alone with a good story—and we don't need a book club to enjoy it.

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What does it mean to be self-aware?

If you’re asking yourself this question, you’re already off to a good start. 

Europe’s Journal of Psychology defines self-awareness as “the extent to which people are consciously aware of their internal states and their interactions or relationships with others.”

Let’s break that down:

“…aware of their internal states…” AKA, what’s really going on in that complicated noggin of yours? What are you feeling, reeling with, dealing with, or (dare I say) oppressing?

“…aware of…their interactions or relationships with others.” That’s quite the loaded phrase, isn’t it? Most immediately, it makes me think: Am I actually treating other people the way I think I am? Am I listening to them? Am I considering their feelings when I interact with them? Am I considering MY feelings when I interact with them? 

Top 7 Books on Self-Awareness

I’m not here to play doctor. But what I can do is help you begin (or continue) your personal development journey. 

Light up a candle that makes you feel something. Put on your best moody, mellow playlist. And tear into one of the best books on self-awareness. 

1. You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy

I read this book a few months before I got married after my soon-to-be-husband and I had an argument. (What it was about, I can’t even remember, which just goes to show you how so many of the things we stress about in this world end up being unimportant in the long run.) 

Listening is probably one of the more important components in improving your self–awareness. (Really, it’s one of the more important factors in life.) And we rarely give it enough attention. 

Warning: Reading this book may make you cringe—repeatedly—since it’ll force you to recall some of the many, many times you failed to be a good listener. (Don’t worry, aren’t we all?) 

Then, it gives you strategies to course-correct yourself so you can stop being the friend who only talks about herself and start being the friend who actually, truly, really cares.

Available at Bookshop.org

My favorite quote from You’re Not Listening: 

“In modern life, we are encouraged to listen to our hearts, listen to our inner voices, and listen to our guts, but rarely are we encouraged to listen carefully and with intent to other people.” 

2. Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman

I read this book after I saw some random person on X mention it. Thanks, random person on X—you were right: This book made me do a double-take on:

• All the things I’m constantly stressing about

• All the things I want to do in my life

• All the things I will probably never be able to do 

It’s depressing—in a good way. (The same kind of way that we believe “Life Is Sad and Then You Die” is actually a pretty great, uplifting life motto. This is why.)

The (perhaps sad) reality of life is that we only have so much time here. We don’t even know how much, exactly, we have. And far too many of us squander far too much of it. This book gave me pause and inspired me to drop a lot of dead weight that was only dragging me down and stressing me out. 

We just don’t have time for that. 

Available on Bookshop.org

My favorite quote from Four Thousand Weeks: 

“Convenience culture seduces us into imagining that we might find room for everything important by eliminating only life’s tedious tasks. But it’s a lie. You have to choose a few things, sacrifice everything else, and deal with the inevitable sense of loss that results.” 

3. Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers by Robert M. Sapolsky

I read this book during probably the most stressful summer of my life. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I was staying in an acquaintance’s apartment (without Wi-Fi, quelle horreur!) in a country where I knew only two people. I think I had a panic attack for the very first time. 

So one of the two people I knew gave me this book. 

I read it in, I think, two days, and I’m pretty sure I felt my heart rate decelerating with each turn of the page. 

Basically, Sapolksy explains how we’re all walking balls of stress. (Okay, nothing new there.) In our modern society, we have few opportunities to release this stress physically, so we remain trapped in a chronic physiological state of stress. That’s not a good thing. 

Remember how we talked about being aware of your internal state? If your internal state is a stressed-out dumpster fire screaming for help, this book will help you find a hose.

Available at Bookshop.org

My favorite quote from Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers:

“For the vast majority of beasts on this planet, stress is about a short-term crisis, after which it’s either over with or you’re over with. When we sit around and worry about stressful things, we turn on the same physiological responses—but they are potentially a disaster when provoked chronically.”

Learn how to do things alone—without feeling lonely

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4. The School of Life: An Emotional Education by Alain de Botton

I remember reading this book over a few warm summer nights back when I lived in Providence, huddled under the porchlight in my robe, absentmindedly flicking away mosquitos and curious passersby. 

I was deep in my Depression Era, and I was mostly turning to books for some solace and a beacon of light in my search for meaning. I’m not saying this book cured my depression (certainly not), but it made the future seem a little less bleak. And in some chapters, it gave me the warm fuzzies.

Mostly, it made me more aware of my own level of emotional intelligence—where I excelled, where I was lagging behind, and what I could do to try to become better.

Available at Bookshop.org

My favorite quote from An Emotional Education:

“Paradoxically, it is friendship that often offers us the real route to the pleasures that Romanticism associates with love.

That this sounds surprising is only a reflection of how underdeveloped our day-to-day vision of friendship has become. We associate it with a casual acquaintance we see only once in a while to exchange inconsequential and shallow banter.

But real friendship is something altogether more profound and worthy of exultation.

It is an arena in which two people can get a sense of each other’s vulnerabilities, appreciate each other’s follies without recrimination, reassure each other as to their value and greet the sorrows and tragedies of existence with wit and warmth.”

5. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD

Buckle in: This self-awareness book recommendation comes with a story. 

When I was a sophomore in college, I took a class called Interpersonal Communications. I vividly remember being in the car with my dad and older brother when I received an email from the professor about the upcoming course. Her message read something along the lines of: 

“By the end of this class, you will be more in touch with your emotions, more compassionate and understanding of those around you, and better able to navigate delicate emotional—blah blah blah…” 

I was not enthused. I was 19. I was angst-y and consumed with existential dead. I wanted nothing to do with (what I considered )to be this unnecessary, flowery nonsense. 

Cut to a year later. This professor asked me to be her teaching assistant. We got coffee outside of class. And I confessed to the very awesome Kristine Cabral that I had been totally wrong about this book, her class, and my approach to communication. 

I’ve read many magnificent books in my life, but few among them I would call life-changing. This book is life-changing. (I even bought copies of this book for some family members as gifts. You take from that what you will.) 

Available at Bookshop.org

My favorite quote from Nonviolent Communication:

“We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.”

6. Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked by Adam Alter

I think I read this book during the COVID-19 pandemic lock-downs. (So trigger warning to myself.) 

Clearly, it was a time when we were all online more than ever, and I don’t know about you, but my mental health was really suffering. Before the pandemic, I would happily power down my phone some nights just to have some mental peace and quiet and get away from the incessant notifications, messages, and urges to scroll. My loneliness and my lack of interaction with anyone outside my house put an abrupt end to my former healthy practice.

And though the pandemic has come and gone, my old habit has not quite fully returned. 

But I did put down my phone long enough to read this book, which made me do a hard think on my relationship with technology and what factors I can control to stay out of the clutches of Big Tech. 

Available at Bookshop.org

My favorite quote from Irresistable: 

“The problem isn’t that people lack willpower; it’s that ‘there are a thousand people on the other side of the screen whose job it is to break down the self-regulation you have.’”

Is social media consuming all your time?

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7. I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy

This is probably the most buzz-worthy among the self-aware books on this list—and for good reason. 

If you’re not already familiar, Jennette McCurdy was a child actor on popular shows like iCarly and Sam and Cat. But this memoir isn’t a juicy tell-all on the woes of child stardom nor is it a critique of the predatory child acting industry so much as it is a reflection on her difficult relationship with her mother and, by consequence, herself.

Remember what Europe’s Journal of Psychology said about self-awareness? Self-awareness also pertains to how much we are aware of our interactions or relationships with others. 

Paying attention to how we interact with others, how they interact with us, and what that means for our mental and emotional well-being is A LOT easier said than done. McCurdy’s brutally honest tale sets the course for profound self-reflection that most of us are sorely in need of.

Available at Bookshop.org

My favorite quote from I’m Glad My Mom Died:

“I’m trying every day to face myself. The results vary, but the attempts are consistent.”

And the best book on self-awareness is...

IMHO, the best book on self-awareness from this line-up is Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD. (I did call it life-changing, right?) 

All the self-awareness books in this line-up give you something of value, but this is the one that really made me look inward and then actually change not only my way of thinking but my behavior. (It also made me eat my words.) 

Ready to read?

Don't procrastinate—grab a book on self-awareness and get started:

The best books on self-awareness, depending on what you need right now

Of course, I can’t speak for everyone. While we could all probably use a little more time giving ourselves constructive criticism, we don’t all need the same kind of constructive criticism. 

So here’s your quick cheat sheet, i.e., the best self-awareness books for you in this present moment. 

P.S. Don’t overthink it! Just follow your gut instinct. It knows the way.

Which self-awareness book do you need right now?	Book
If you're feeling stressed...	Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers
If you have the sinking suspicion that you're actually the one who's the bad listener...	You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters
If you keep having arguments with your loved ones (or your not loved ones)...	Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
If you feel guilty about being mad at someone...	I’m Glad My Mom Died
If you are losing yourself in this crazy, overwhelming world (which is totally understandable by the way)...	The School of Life: An Emotional Education
If you worry about never having enough time to do all of the things you want (and/or feel like you have) to do...	Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals
If you know you're too plugged into tech, but you don't know how to stop...	Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked

Conclusion: The best books on self-awareness to be the best you

Will reading the best books on self-awareness automatically make you a better person? 

Sorry, friend. It’s not that easy. 

These may be some of the best books to improve self-awareness, but you still need to put the legwork in. That might mean journaling, talking with a friend, doing a little bit of wallowing, or going for a walk to ponder the secret to happiness. 

It’s an uphill battle that won’t be solved in a day. 

But that’s life. And you can do it. 

Next Steps:

Choose one book that speaks to what you’re going through right now. Not sure where to start? I think The School of Life: An Emotional Education is an all-around enlightening pick that has a little something to help everyone. 

Commit to reading the whole thing. Just a few minutes a day is all it takes. Take 5 seconds right now and put a reminder in your phone right to read for 15 minutes a day. 

Set aside time for solo reflection. Give yourself space to digest and think about what you read. If the book brings up some frustration, let it out with these 20 Journal Prompts for Anger.

Use the image below to save this post to Pinterest so this list is there when you need it.

Books on Self-Awareness: Common FAQs

What is the best book on how to have more self-awareness?

There’s no one best book on self-awareness because we’re all different (duh). But if had to recommend one book to get you started, that would be The School of Life: An Emotional Education.

While the other self awareness books in this list tap into more niche emotions, this one covers a greater breadth of the human experience and, IMHO, has a little something for everyone. 

Why is self-awareness important?

You can’t work on becoming a better person if you don’t know where you’re starting from—and we all need to work on ourselves at least a little.

Self-awareness helps you better understand what makes you tick, where you shine, and where you fall short so you can start taking steps to becoming a better you. 

Can self-awareness be taught?

Yes! Self-awareness is like a muscle: the more you work it, the stronger it becomes. 

But like a muscle, self-awareness requires consistent effort to see progress. That means incorporating habits that help build self-awareness into your regular routine, like reading more self awareness books, journaling, or meditating. 

Discover more healthy habits to start now for long-term physical and mental wellbeing. 

What are some great classics to read to help build self-awareness?

Self-awareness is an age-old challenge. If you want more books on self-awareness, you can also get a lot of useful insight and inspiration from literature. 

Specifically, some of my favorite classic noves that touch on self-awareness themes are The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde and The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. 

Find more classic reading inspiration in my round-up of the Easiest Classic Novels to Read.

Want to support local bookstores?

So long, Bezos.

find alternatives to Amazon for books

Merry

Merry is the blogger behind A Merry Loner, a full-time freelance writer, and a lifelong bookworm. Since kindergarten, it was her dream to become a novelist. (She likes to think she's headed in the right direction.) Born and raised in Rhode Island, where she earned a triple-major BA in writing, communication, and French from the University of Rhode Island, she moved to Toulouse, France after the pandemic to complete a master's in creative writing at Univeristé Toulouse Jean — Jaurès. She now lives in Paris with husband.

Discover how the merry loner lifestyle makes life more enjoyable:

LONER MINDSET: fresh perspectives on learning to genuinely enjoy your own company

BOOKS: reading lists for people who love being alone with a good story

ANALOG LIVING: inspiration to step back from the screen and live a life offline

SOLO TRAVEL: guides on where to go and how to enjoy it alone

MINDFUL CONSUMPTION: vetted recommendations for a simpler, less wasteful life

LONER Q&As: interviews from global voices on how to live a meaningful, enjoyable life

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The post 7 Books on Self-Awareness to Become a Better Person appeared first on A Merry Loner.

“Being alone can be worth a lot more than being in the wrong relationship.”

Shelby DiNobile is no stranger to Loner Living. Even before he got off social media as part of an introspective Loner Year, he always prioritized following his gut instead of the crowd.

In high school, he landed his first internship working backstage at fashion shows. In college, he turned down stable corporate tech gigs to keep following the work that aligned with his creativity. Along the way, he learned to walk away from relationships that never gave him as much as he can give himself.

In Part II of his conversation with A Merry Loner, Shelby talks about the power of solitude, the importance of doing work that truly fulfills you, and why the right relationships will always respect your need for space.

This is Part II of a two-part interview with Shelby DiNobile. In Part I, Shelby talks about his decision to stop using social media for a year—and what he learned.

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Related Posts:

• How to Balance Solitude and a Social Life: A Dual Guide for Introverts & Extroverts
• 5 New Things I Want to Do Alone This Year
• Accepting Your Fate (Finding Acceptance Alone)

AML: When we met in college, we hit it off because we were both kind of on the outskirts of the typical college experience. We were both very independent and doing things a bit differently than the average student. Can you share a little bit about your entrepreneurship during that time?

SD: I always knew that I liked fashion. When I was in high school, somebody connected me with a designer, and I started an internship. So when I got to college, I already had experience—and I just kept going. I worked really hard; I went to a lot of events and networked a lot, so I think people saw that I was driven and serious about working. That’s how I started working backstage at shows with fashion designers, and soon people were asking me to work with them. I think that’s just what I’m supposed to do. 

“I didn’t really understand how to take that route of: get a degree; get an internship; get a job.”

Some people (I can understand it) after a while, would be like, “No, I don’t want to do all these internships and all these side gigs. I just want to get the degree and get the job.” That would have been a lot more simple. But I didn’t really understand how to take that route of: get a degree; get an internship; get a job. That scared me a lot, actually. 

But I did try it. I got an internship at [a corporate tech company]. But when I got there, it seemed like whatever I was doing didn’t matter. Like it was all fake. When I left at the end of the day, I felt like, “What did I even accomplish? All I did was make a slideshow and email it to six people. And then everyone said something back. So what?” And this was a big corporation. They offered me a job at the end, and it would have been very stable, a great 401k, all that. But I didn’t feel like I was doing anything. Then I got offered a job in sales by another [legacy tech company], but I brushed it off. I didn’t want to do it. I was like, “I don’t really see how I’m gonna fit into a company like that.” It wasn’t in alignment with my interests. It just sounded too rigid.

I wanted to keep doing what I was doing, which was working for a fashion designer and a home designer—all while still in college. That type of work, it isn’t very structured. But it just felt a lot more fun to do. It’s a lot more creative; it’s a little bit glamorous. I’ve had other corporate jobs since, but I had to go back to what I know. So fast-forward to now, and I’m working for another designer again, Kimberly Pucci.

AML: You’ve always balanced so many projects at once. Has it ever felt like that cuts into your solo, relaxing time? 

SD: I remember when I started in fashion back as a student. It was actually a luxury if I had some time alone and I could do whatever I wanted to just relax. One of my favorite things to do then when I was alone was go to a library or a coffee shop or a hotel and just pick a random topic and do some research on it. I still do that now—just go to libraries or historical buildings or random cute boutique hotels. That’s my favorite thing to do when I’m alone. Just plop myself in some cute environment and open my laptop and figure out what I’m doing in the next week or year of my life—just have a drink and think and enjoy myself.

“I learned to protect my time and that being alone can be worth a lot more than being in the wrong relationship or the wrong company.”

That time alone when I’m not being influenced by what everybody else needs. In college, one of my favorite places to go to by myself was the RISD [Rhode Island School of Design] library. I would just go and look around and try to discover what else is going on: “What else goes on in the world besides my little world?” 

AML: That alone time is so important. Of course, being around other people can inspire you. But to do any kind of profound thinking, you have to be alone so you can let your ideas flow. You can’t really do that when you’re focused on talking to someone else. 

SD: Right! I need to do it more. Because with social media, when I’m alone, I still go there sometimes. I watch videos—but that doesn’t feel like good alone time. I think there’s a certain discipline when you’re alone where you have to make sure you spend that time wisely—because you don’t get a lot of alone time anymore, really. So when [my partner] is working and I have the day off, I’m going to look up a place to go and just take myself there. I’ll bring a book, my laptop, and like fifty bucks. I don’t even know what I’m going to do there, but I’m going to figure it out. Maybe I’ll meet somebody, or maybe it’ll just be me by myself enjoying that space. 

AML: What about balancing alone time with relationships? How have your different relationships over the years affected your relationship with yourself? 

SD: I learned to protect my time and that being alone can be worth a lot more than being in the wrong relationship or the wrong company. I’d rather be alone than be around a bunch of people who don’t make me feel good.

As far as dating goes, some people you can be so close with and you can spend all your time with them, but you still feel so alone because they actually don’t understand you.  

AML: Right, there comes that negative connotation with “feeling alone.” That’s a bad feeling. But it doesn’t always come from being by yourself; it also comes from being in a bad relationship. 

SD: Yeah, that’s why I think it’s so interesting that you’re trying to get rid of the negative connotation of the word alone. If you’re in a bad relationship, guess what? You can still be alone, in a way. So if I’m going to feel alone dating someone, then I’d rather just physically be alone. Because then that’s my time back where I get to think my own thoughts and not think about whether I’m making someone else happy. Like, maybe I want to dress in something funky and go sit at a random hotel and read. But maybe my partner doesn’t want to do that. Well, it’s my time and it’s something I want to do. 

“My alone time is my time back where I get to think my own thoughts and not think about whether I’m making someone else happy.”

When a relationship affects the value of your alone time, then that’s a bad relationship. If that person doesn’t want you to be alone and they don’t respect your alone time—you have to watch out for those people. They want to have your attention all the time. And then they twist it around and say, “If you’re not thinking about me, then you don’t like me.”

“When you’re alone, you’re powerful. You can do whatever you want.”

But the right person in the right relationship will say, “You know, if you need some time to yourself, do whatever you want. Go be alone for three hours. As long as you’re safe and you’re being loyal to the relationship, go do whatever you want.” But some people don’t let you do that. Even if they say they want you to have your own time, they don’t make you feel like it’s your time; it’s really like you’re with them all the time, and your time is theirs. 

“When a relationship affects the value of your alone time, then that’s a bad relationship.”

Certain relationships can suck that peace from you, because being alone is peace. That’s what everybody wants: the freedom to be able to think alone. But some people don’t want you to stray away. When you’re alone, you’re powerful—you know what I mean? You can do whatever you want. 

AML: In a more lighthearted way, I think of that a lot when I’m traveling by myself. It’s as simple as not having to verbalize your thoughts when you walk through the airport. You don’t have to say, “Okay, do you want to get a coffee first? And then I have to go to the bathroom. Or do you want to pick a place to eat first?” With solo travel, you just go ahead and do it. 

SD: It’s your time to be whatever your human self wants. Maybe you walk into a store and you pick up a book and you spend thirty minutes looking at it. If you’re with somebody else, you can’t do that because you’re like, “Oh, sorry. All right, we have to go.” You can’t always be as spontaneous.

Now, that doesn’t mean you get to be disrespectful and tell everyone to fuck off. But for example, I have a bachelorette party coming up with twelve girls—and I’m terrified. I’m already planning my alone time. I’m starting to look up little places that I can run away to when I need a little down time to myself. 

AML: That’s a good strategy: planning in advance little moments you can take for yourself to recharge. 

SD: There’s so much importance for your mental health with it, too. I like how you’re trying to change the notion of being a loner from something negative to something empowering—because I’ve gotten a lot of that recently. Some people are like, “Where did you go?” “Why don’t you post on social media?” “Why don’t we hang out anymore?” They see it as a bad thing, but to me, it’s uplifting. I just want to be a little more private and mindful and protective of my time for myself. 

AML: Thank you. I have this thing I call A Merry Loner’s Manifesto that’s exactly that: “A Loner isn’t lonely. A Loner does not lack companionship. A Loner isn’t anti-social.” We like parties. We have friends. We’re not shutting people out of our lives or rejecting others. But we see the value in spending time with ourselves. Like you said, it’s important for yourself—and it’s important for your mind. 

What advice would you give to someone who wants to reclaim their alone time but is facing resistance from the people around them?

SD: My advice would be to remember that you don’t owe anybody anything at all. At all. Yes, you should be respectful of your obligations and you should make an effort to keep in touch with people who are important to you. But you don’t owe anybody anything. 

“You don’t have to give everybody the answer they’re looking for all the time.”

If you feel like you need to reclaim your alone time, come up with a plan—because people will try to invade it. That’s human nature. People will be like, “Why are you isolating yourself?” And that can be a sign of depression, so those are important things to look out for and be aware if you’re doing that too much. Keep a good tally of your time to make sure you’re not isolating or holding in things that maybe you should discuss with a professional or a friend. Don’t become a shut-in. But if you want more loner time, take it. Create boundaries, and stick to them. 

“Remember that you can rebrand yourself into another you whenever you want.”

If you want to get drastic, you can. You can move—to another state or just down the street. You can change your phone number. You can do drastic shit like that. Maybe take down your social media or stop posting. Don’t be afraid. Maybe you need to change your environment. And that is overwhelming, so try to think critically about these things. But sometimes you’re stuck in the same spot and you’re familiar with everything and it’s hard to feel. Remember that you can rebrand yourself into another you whenever you want. 

AML: That’s interesting advice. Often, people say, “Baby steps.” “One thing at a time.” It’s almost as if making a big change is seen as completely unachievable. But you can if you want to. 

SD: It can be really risky. I wouldn’t say, “Go buy a house you can’t afford.” You have to be smart about it, but you can still take risks. 

AML: When I decided to move to France, I had to wait and plan for a year. There was so much build-up. I remember before I left, my dad told me, “I know you’ve been waiting for this for a long time. But if you do it and you decide after two months that you don’t like it, you can just come back. It’s not embarrassing to make a mistake or change your mind. You don’t have to stick it out.” 

SD: I think that’s really good advice. You can try something new—and if it doesn’t work, then you just try something else. But before you move somewhere or do something drastic, first go spend a little time by yourself. Investigate a life with more solitude. There’s smaller stuff you can do, too. For example, you don’t have to respond immediately to every notification you receive; let yourself reclaim some of your attention for yourself. You don’t have to give everybody the answer they’re looking for all the time. Or if you get invited out and don’t feel like going, don’t go. 

“Alone time can be used to find out who you are.”

If you decide you want to make a drastic change, prepare for it. Make sure you know what you’re getting into. That way, if you move, for example, you don’t wake up one day and think, “Oh, my God, I feel so alone.”

Be aware that if you’re going to make decisions to prioritize your alone time, you need to be prepared for the changes that come with that—like not always having someone to talk to. This change might be a little anxiety-inducing, especially if you’re used to constantly being around a lot of people and a lot of stimulation. Remember that alone time can be used to find out who you are. But just be aware of the changes going in so you don’t get, like, lonely shock. I’ve gotten that before. 

AML: That’s a good point. If you’re making a drastic change, just because you encounter a tiny hiccup, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep going. Change means being a little uncomfortable sometimes—that uncomfortableness doesn’t necessarily mean you’re making a mistake. 

SD: Yeah, you have to be compassionate with yourself. Because when you start to take more time alone, you may see things you don’t like about yourself or things you want to change about yourself. Or you may see things you don’t like about the world or things you don’t like about the people you used to hang out with. Those realizations can happen when you decide to take more time for yourself. It’s not going to be like you end up in Margaritaville alone and you’re having a great time. Sometimes it’s like that—you can do whatever you want, go wherever you want, eat whatever you want. But you will be alone sometimes, and you have to be prepared to be okay with that. 

And when you become busy with your new life change, make sure you still keep tabs on the people who are really important in your life. Don’t become so alone that you’re not keeping up with your tribe and having those good conversations, because that’s still important. 

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

Recommended Reading:

• Looking Inward: Why Shelby DiNobile Decided to Get Off Social Media & What He Learned 
• Embrace Being a Loner—Why February Is the Perfect Time
• Did This French Writer Just Reveal the Secret to Happiness?
• Are You Afraid of Being Alone? Here’s why you don’t have to be.
• Ultimate Guide to Self-Care: 100 Self-Care Ideas

Recommendations: How Shelby indulges in his Loner time

Calm Powder

Natural Vitality Calm

SHOP

RISD Medallion Cap

Rhode Island School of Design

SHOP

Isabella Overnight Bag

Kimberly Pucci

SHOP

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