This is a tale of change. Of wanting, failing, getting, regretting, and growing. It’s a true story of searching for fulfillment in new places, only to realize that home and contentment were always within.
The view of the sea. There it is. It’s right there outside the window. If I lean a little to the left.
I can see it from my bedroom window. If I drove, I could be there in 10 minutes. Toes in the sand. The wind all around me. Freezing cold but beautiful. Home.
From the room next to mine, I hear the sleepy infant lullaby as my newborn son sleeps soundly in his bed. Downstairs, my partner sits, legs crossed on the sofa watching an early evening comedy. Inoffensive and comforting, like a lot of UK sitcoms. The canned laughter provides a comforting background noise.
The year is 2012. I am 30 years old. And I have everything I need.
Except I didn’t. Because we humans don’t work that way.
Even with this warm home, stability, and an albeit strained view of the sea, I still felt the overwhelming urge to seek change.
Why?
I didn’t want to overhaul life entirely—there were just a few pieces of the puzzle that weren’t aligned.
Career, and my professional identity in general, have always been important to me. I needed a sense of progression and appreciation that, at the time, I just wasn’t getting. And it mattered to me. It really did.
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Chasing Change: Making the Decision to Leave
Four years of working with the same employer had finally brought me to a job interview. I’d worked hard to position myself as the frontrunner and had been led to believe the job was as good as mine.
In my mind, getting that promotion would be the final piece in the puzzle. At 30 years of age, I would have completed life and all its goals.
Then came the phone call saying they were going with another candidate.
I wasn’t prepared, and I took it hard. So hard, in fact, that I felt ready to give up on not just that employer but on the safe, warm house and life my partner and I had known for the last four years.
Watching me go through the emotional rollercoaster, my partner felt my frustration, and she was unsettled in her own way.
So we agreed: We were ready to leave the area altogether and start afresh.
A New Start, or Just a New Struggle?
A new place, a new job, a new start.
I got myself a promotion with a new employer hoping it would be a step in the right direction. But in my frustration, I hadn’t factored in the trade-off it required.
My commute time doubled, and the time with my family halved. The colleagues and friends I’d worked with had vanished, replaced with strangers. The sea view was gone. No matter which way I leaned or squinted when I looked out the window.
On only the second day of my new job, I found myself stuck in a traffic jam—and that’s when it hit me.
“What have I done?” I asked the empty car aloud. My throat tightened and I tried to hide my face from the other passengers in their static cars around me. I began to cry.
I drove home to my family and told my partner what I was thinking. We sat down, talked, and cried some more. “Isn’t this all supposed to be sorted by now? I’m 30!” I thought.
It doesn’t work like that.
My partner asked me if I knew the song The Gambler by Kenny Rogers. She knew that the lyrics suited our situation perfectly. Honestly, I didn’t know the song until she sang the chorus:
“You gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, and know when to run.”
Right then and there, we knew this new situation wasn’t right for us.
It was time to fold. Time to walk away.
The fresh start had been a false start—it was time to move again.
Loneliness in the Crowd: Feeling Isolated in a City Full of People
We decided to move from South Wales, my place of birth and spiritual home, to Nottingham, in the UK’s East Midlands. It’s not as if we’d moved continents or even countries (if you don’t count the difference between Wales and England), but it was enough to create that feeling of physical and emotional distance from the life we were leaving behind.
It was a new place and a new start.
Here I go again: another new job; another new team; another new place to try and settle down.
But this was harder than any other move before. The sense of individual isolation and loneliness hit almost instantly.
I’d moved to the biggest place with the biggest population I’d personally ever lived in—and yet I felt totally alone.
When “Home” Feels Like Nowhere: Dealing with Loneliness in My 30s
At 31 years old, I’d pictured myself being further along in my career, having a full social life, and excelling at new hobbies. I’d built up this narrative in my mind that this was my “prime” and that I was wasting it by moving to a new place “at the worst possible time.” In those moments, I saw it as a waste of my best years, squandered in isolation.
I tried to listen to sayings like: “Home is where the heart is”; “Home is a feeling, not a place”; “Home is the people around you.”
But when you feel utterly alone, those sayings really don’t carry much weight. They’re perfect for embroidering on a cushion—but do nothing to help the feeling of a rock in your stomach.
I made new friends, sure. But some moved away to pursue their own directions in life. Some drifted, as people occasionally and inevitably do. Some offered friendship and then disappeared. It was embarrassing and stung at the time, but I was even stood up by some new “friends.”
All lessons in resilience. Gifts for personal growth.
The Moment Everything Changed—and I Stopped Resisting Solitude
Things were getting harder.
The novelty of moving to a new city had worn off, and I felt like I’d tried everything to adjust, adapt, and settle. Nothing had worked and a feeling of hopelessness began to set in.
But then one day came the biggest lesson from the smallest moment.
Out of habit, I finished work as quickly as I could to return home to make plans. I walked through the door, took off my shoes and jacket—and then found myself just standing still in the hallway. Staring at the empty house around me. The plain white walls staring back.
I realized I actually had nothing to do, no one to see, and nothing to look forward to.
I have no idea how long I stood there, but it was long enough to realize I’d become lost in that space. Physically and mentally.
Long enough for that moment to become imprinted in my memory forever. An awareness growing in and around me.
I hadn’t realized before how much I’d sought the company and approval of others to give value to my days. Even though I’d always been happy in my own company as a child, I’d forgotten this through my teenage years when I started going out and expanding my circle of friends (a very normal thing for most teenagers to do). But this new period of loneliness in Nottingham brought me back to that quiet, self-assured place.
I hadn’t realized before how much I’d sought the company and approval of others to give value to my days.
I rediscovered playfulness and curiosity. I began to read again. I began what would become a lifelong relationship with meditation. I became more patient, calm, and self-aware.
Aspects of myself that normally became closed off when I sought the company of others began to bloom.
I didn’t become a recluse, but I gravitated towards social activities that had an element of solo-ness. Martial arts has a great community, but when all’s said and done, it’s just me with me. Rock climbing, too. The climbing community is a wonderful place to be, and it’s where I’ve made my new and very dear circle of friends—but it’s also an activity that suits going alone when the time feels right.
I felt the effects of my new perspective on solitude at home, too. I’ve always been family-oriented, but this new phase nurtured an even greater warmth and closeness with my wife and son. Not quite “us against the world,” but not far off.
Want to learn how to accept (and appreciate) your own loneliness?
A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge can help you get there.
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Finding Home Within
I’ve been in Nottingham for 10 years now. The journey has been life-changing—or should I say, me-changing.
Living in a busy city felt lonely, so I looked for people. That search actually led me inward, and that’s what changed things for the better, outside too. I learned who I really was.
As I write today, Nottingham feels more like a home. A place where I’ve found a life of balance. I’m more outgoing and brave than I’ve ever been—and equally more content in my own company than ever before.
All my thoughts about wasting my life in its prime—absolute nonsense.
Your prime is when you say it is. Your prime is today, and it’s tomorrow. Your prime is when you feel most alive.
The philosopher Soren Kierkegaard once said, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
So be it.
My new home is hours from the coastline in any direction. There’s no sea view from the bedroom window anymore. But the view inwards is the best it’s ever been.
Gavin Williams is a freelance health & wellness writer with a 20-year background as a specialist physiotherapist. He’s passionate about functional health & personal growth. Gavin’s happiest when he’s rock climbing, reading a book, or spending time with his family.You can find out more about Gavin on his website, In the Moment Copywriting.
In high school, he landed his first internship working backstage at fashion shows. In college, he turned down stable corporate tech gigs to keep following the work that aligned with his creativity. Along the way, he learned to walk away from relationships that never gave him as much as he can give himself.
In Part II of his conversation with A Merry Loner, Shelby talks about the power of solitude, the importance of doing work that truly fulfills you, and why the right relationships will always respect your need for space.
This is Part II of a two-part interview with Shelby DiNobile. In Part I, Shelby talks about his decision to stop using social media for a year—and what he learned.
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AML: When we met in college, we hit it off because we were both kind of on the outskirts of the typical college experience. We were both very independent and doing things a bit differently than the average student. Can you share a little bit about your entrepreneurship during that time?
SD: I always knew that I liked fashion. When I was in high school, somebody connected me with a designer, and I started an internship. So when I got to college, I already had experience—and I just kept going. I worked really hard; I went to a lot of events and networked a lot, so I think people saw that I was driven and serious about working. That’s how I started working backstage at shows with fashion designers, and soon people were asking me to work with them. I think that’s just what I’m supposed to do.
“I didn’t really understand how to take that route of: get a degree; get an internship; get a job.”
Some people (I can understand it) after a while, would be like, “No, I don’t want to do all these internships and all these side gigs. I just want to get the degree and get the job.” That would have been a lot more simple. But I didn’t really understand how to take that route of: get a degree; get an internship; get a job. That scared me a lot, actually.
But I did try it. I got an internship at [a corporate tech company]. But when I got there, it seemed like whatever I was doing didn’t matter. Like it was all fake. When I left at the end of the day, I felt like, “What did I even accomplish? All I did was make a slideshow and email it to six people. And then everyone said something back. So what?” And this was a big corporation. They offered me a job at the end, and it would have been very stable, a great 401k, all that. But I didn’t feel like I was doing anything. Then I got offered a job in sales by another [legacy tech company], but I brushed it off. I didn’t want to do it. I was like, “I don’t really see how I’m gonna fit into a company like that.” It wasn’t in alignment with my interests. It just sounded too rigid.
I wanted to keep doing what I was doing, which was working for a fashion designer and a home designer—all while still in college. That type of work, it isn’t very structured. But it just felt a lot more fun to do. It’s a lot more creative; it’s a little bit glamorous. I’ve had other corporate jobs since, but I had to go back to what I know. So fast-forward to now, and I’m working for another designer again, Kimberly Pucci.
M
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AML: You’ve always balanced so many projects at once. Has it ever felt like that cuts into your solo, relaxing time?
SD: I remember when I started in fashion back as a student. It was actually a luxury if I had some time alone and I could do whatever I wanted to just relax. One of my favorite things to do then when I was alone was go to a library or a coffee shop or a hotel and just pick a random topic and do some research on it. I still do that now—just go to libraries or historical buildings or random cute boutique hotels. That’s my favorite thing to do when I’m alone. Just plop myself in some cute environment and open my laptop and figure out what I’m doing in the next week or year of my life—just have a drink and think and enjoy myself.
“I learned to protect my time and that being alone can be worth a lot more than being in the wrong relationship or the wrong company.”
That time alone when I’m not being influenced by what everybody else needs. In college, one of my favorite places to go to by myself was the RISD [Rhode Island School of Design] library. I would just go and look around and try to discover what else is going on: “What else goes on in the world besides my little world?”
AML: That alone time is so important. Of course, being around other people can inspire you. But to do any kind of profound thinking, you have to be alone so you can let your ideas flow. You can’t really do that when you’re focused on talking to someone else.
SD: Right! I need to do it more. Because with social media, when I’m alone, I still go there sometimes. I watch videos—but that doesn’t feel like good alone time. I think there’s a certain discipline when you’re alone where you have to make sure you spend that time wisely—because you don’t get a lot of alone time anymore, really. So when [my partner] is working and I have the day off, I’m going to look up a place to go and just take myself there. I’ll bring a book, my laptop, and like fifty bucks. I don’t even know what I’m going to do there, but I’m going to figure it out. Maybe I’ll meet somebody, or maybe it’ll just be me by myself enjoying that space.
Do you take yourself enough on solo dates?
Learn how to find comfort and joy in your alone time with A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge:
Daily, bite-sized challenges to help you experiment with doing things alone
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SD: I learned to protect my time and that being alone can be worth a lot more than being in the wrong relationship or the wrong company. I’d rather be alone than be around a bunch of people who don’t make me feel good.
As far as dating goes, some people you can be so close with and you can spend all your time with them, but you still feel so alone because they actually don’t understand you.
AML: Right, there comes that negative connotation with “feeling alone.” That’s a bad feeling. But it doesn’t always come from being by yourself; it also comes from being in a bad relationship.
SD: Yeah, that’s why I think it’s so interesting that you’re trying to get rid of the negative connotation of the word alone. If you’re in a bad relationship, guess what? You can still be alone, in a way. So if I’m going to feel alone dating someone, then I’d rather just physically be alone. Because then that’s my time back where I get to think my own thoughts and not think about whether I’m making someone else happy. Like, maybe I want to dress in something funky and go sit at a random hotel and read. But maybe my partner doesn’t want to do that. Well, it’s my time and it’s something I want to do.
“My alone time is my time back where I get to think my own thoughts and not think about whether I’m making someone else happy.”
When a relationship affects the value of your alone time, then that’s a bad relationship. If that person doesn’t want you to be alone and they don’t respect your alone time—you have to watch out for those people. They want to have your attention all the time. And then they twist it around and say, “If you’re not thinking about me, then you don’t like me.”
“When you’re alone, you’re powerful. You can do whatever you want.”
But the right person in the right relationship will say, “You know, if you need some time to yourself, do whatever you want. Go be alone for three hours. As long as you’re safe and you’re being loyal to the relationship, go do whatever you want.” But some people don’t let you do that. Even if they say they want you to have your own time, they don’t make you feel like it’s your time; it’s really like you’re with them all the time, and your time is theirs.
“When a relationship affects the value of your alone time, then that’s a bad relationship.”
Certain relationships can suck that peace from you, because being alone is peace. That’s what everybody wants: the freedom to be able to think alone. But some people don’t want you to stray away. When you’re alone, you’re powerful—you know what I mean? You can do whatever you want.
AML: In a more lighthearted way, I think of that a lot when I’m traveling by myself. It’s as simple as not having to verbalize your thoughts when you walk through the airport. You don’t have to say, “Okay, do you want to get a coffee first? And then I have to go to the bathroom. Or do you want to pick a place to eat first?” With solo travel, you just go ahead and do it.
SD: It’s your time to be whatever your human self wants. Maybe you walk into a store and you pick up a book and you spend thirty minutes looking at it. If you’re with somebody else, you can’t do that because you’re like, “Oh, sorry. All right, we have to go.” You can’t always be as spontaneous.
Now, that doesn’t mean you get to be disrespectful and tell everyone to fuck off. But for example, I have a bachelorette party coming up with twelve girls—and I’m terrified. I’m already planning my alone time. I’m starting to look up little places that I can run away to when I need a little down time to myself.
AML: That’s a good strategy: planning in advance little moments you can take for yourself to recharge.
SD: There’s so much importance for your mental health with it, too. I like how you’re trying to change the notion of being a loner from something negative to something empowering—because I’ve gotten a lot of that recently. Some people are like, “Where did you go?” “Why don’t you post on social media?” “Why don’t we hang out anymore?” They see it as a bad thing, but to me, it’s uplifting. I just want to be a little more private and mindful and protective of my time for myself.
AML: Thank you. I have this thing I call A Merry Loner’s Manifesto that’s exactly that: “A Loner isn’t lonely. A Loner does not lack companionship. A Loner isn’t anti-social.” We like parties. We have friends. We’re not shutting people out of our lives or rejecting others. But we see the value in spending time with ourselves. Like you said, it’s important for yourself—and it’s important for your mind.
What advice would you give to someone who wants to reclaim their alone time but is facing resistance from the people around them?
SD: My advice would be to remember that you don’t owe anybody anything at all. At all. Yes, you should be respectful of your obligations and you should make an effort to keep in touch with people who are important to you. But you don’t owe anybody anything.
“You don’t have to give everybody the answer they’re looking for all the time.”
If you feel like you need to reclaim your alone time, come up with a plan—because people will try to invade it. That’s human nature. People will be like, “Why are you isolating yourself?” And that can be a sign of depression, so those are important things to look out for and be aware if you’re doing that too much. Keep a good tally of your time to make sure you’re not isolating or holding in things that maybe you should discuss with a professional or a friend. Don’t become a shut-in. But if you want more loner time, take it. Create boundaries, and stick to them.
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“Remember that you can rebrand yourself into another you whenever you want.”
If you want to get drastic, you can. You can move—to another state or just down the street. You can change your phone number. You can do drastic shit like that. Maybe take down your social media or stop posting. Don’t be afraid. Maybe you need to change your environment. And that is overwhelming, so try to think critically about these things. But sometimes you’re stuck in the same spot and you’re familiar with everything and it’s hard to feel. Remember that you can rebrand yourself into another you whenever you want.
AML: That’s interesting advice. Often, people say, “Baby steps.” “One thing at a time.” It’s almost as if making a big change is seen as completely unachievable. But you can if you want to.
SD: It can be really risky. I wouldn’t say, “Go buy a house you can’t afford.” You have to be smart about it, but you can still take risks.
AML: When I decided to move to France, I had to wait and plan for a year. There was so much build-up. I remember before I left, my dad told me, “I know you’ve been waiting for this for a long time. But if you do it and you decide after two months that you don’t like it, you can just come back. It’s not embarrassing to make a mistake or change your mind. You don’t have to stick it out.”
SD: I think that’s really good advice. You can try something new—and if it doesn’t work, then you just try something else. But before you move somewhere or do something drastic, first go spend a little time by yourself. Investigate a life with more solitude. There’s smaller stuff you can do, too. For example, you don’t have to respond immediately to every notification you receive; let yourself reclaim some of your attention for yourself. You don’t have to give everybody the answer they’re looking for all the time. Or if you get invited out and don’t feel like going, don’t go.
“Alone time can be used to find out who you are.”
If you decide you want to make a drastic change, prepare for it. Make sure you know what you’re getting into. That way, if you move, for example, you don’t wake up one day and think, “Oh, my God, I feel so alone.”
Be aware that if you’re going to make decisions to prioritize your alone time, you need to be prepared for the changes that come with that—like not always having someone to talk to. This change might be a little anxiety-inducing, especially if you’re used to constantly being around a lot of people and a lot of stimulation. Remember that alone time can be used to find out who you are. But just be aware of the changes going in so you don’t get, like, lonely shock. I’ve gotten that before.
AML: That’s a good point. If you’re making a drastic change, just because you encounter a tiny hiccup, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep going. Change means being a little uncomfortable sometimes—that uncomfortableness doesn’t necessarily mean you’re making a mistake.
SD: Yeah, you have to be compassionate with yourself. Because when you start to take more time alone, you may see things you don’t like about yourself or things you want to change about yourself. Or you may see things you don’t like about the world or things you don’t like about the people you used to hang out with. Those realizations can happen when you decide to take more time for yourself. It’s not going to be like you end up in Margaritaville alone and you’re having a great time. Sometimes it’s like that—you can do whatever you want, go wherever you want, eat whatever you want. But you will be alone sometimes, and you have to be prepared to be okay with that.
And when you become busy with your new life change, make sure you still keep tabs on the people who are really important in your life. Don’t become so alone that you’re not keeping up with your tribe and having those good conversations, because that’s still important.
This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.
Solo travel is liberating and frustrating. It’s helped me know myself better—and enjoy myself more.
The travel bug bit me hard and early. I grew up in a traveling family, with parents who pushed me out the door after high school to experience the Big Wide World. Since then, I’ve spent much of my spare time and income traveling. And I loveit.
New cultures, new foods, new people, new adventures—what isn’t there to love about traveling? Well, one thing: being by myself.
Solo travel is both liberating and frustrating. Thrilling and terrifying. It’s one of my most complex relationships but one I keep coming back to. And for good reason. It’s helped me know myself better—and enjoy myself more.
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Solo travel tears: the moments when I wanted to quit
My solo travel experiences have ranged from a few days in London to a few weeks in Portugal to a few months in Central America. When I go back to read my journals from those trips, I’m struck by all the angst:
the phone call to my sister regretting my decision to stay in a hostel dorm with 12 other people—and me asking her if I can come home
the stress of trying to navigate in another language, another city, another culture
the frustration of not finding a restaurant for dinner—and settling for eating peanuts in the hotel instead
It’s enough to make me ask: “Do I even like this?”
Solo travel triumphs: the moments that inspire more trips
You better believe there were a lot of tears shed on these solo trips. But there was even more growth. Even more empowerment. And even more adventure.
Because what I really remember about those solo travel experiences is singing karaoke with the homestay family in Costa Rica. Making ceviche in Mexico. Navigating the London tube without getting (too) lost. Joining a food tour in Portugal and eating octopus. Talking to the Uber driver 100% in Spanish in Guatemala. Climbing a volcano in Nicaragua.
“There were so many experiences I wouldn’t have had if I had stayed scared of doing things alone.”
There was self-growth. There was self-empowerment. And there were so many experiences I wouldn’t have had if I had stayed scared of doing things alone.
Solo travel has been a big catalyst for self-discovery; it’s expanded my mind and worldview. Doing things on your own is liberating. It shows you what you’re capable of and how you handle challenges and problems.
It also exposes your needs, wants, and desires. Without the input of other people, it’s all you, baby.
Where do youwant to eat for breakfast? What activities do youactually like doing? Want to read by the pool all day instead of hiking a mountain? Do you.
When you remove outside input, opinions, and persuasion, how can you not deeply and profoundly learn about yourself while traveling alone?
Mindset matters: solo travel tips & tricks
How do I embrace solo travel despite the struggles? I think there’s a secret to it: Choosing to value your own company and find peace and contentment doing your own thing.
If you’re a new or first-time solo traveler, start small and start easy. This will remove some of those logistical hurdles that become major barriers to you enjoying your time.
Consider choosing a destination where you:
Speak the language. This makes it so much easier to navigate around.
Can explore in just a couple of days. Weekend trips can be an awesome first solo trip experience.
Already know the terrain. You can dive deeper into an area you love where you know you feel comfortable.
Don’t have to go far. Start by exploring locally.
2. Plan, plan, plan!
Yes, one of the big benefits of independent travel is you can do whatever you want, however you want. But one of the challenges is that you can do whatever you want, however you want!
That’s a lot of decisions to make, and it can become overwhelming.
My advice is to plan ahead. Look into your destination and figure out what kind of things you would enjoy doing there. This ensures you have joy-inducing activities lined up and takes some of the decision fatigue away.
3. Go ahead, dine alone
If you’re like me, food is a big part of traveling. That’s why you’ve got to get comfy with dining alone. It may feel unnatural at first, but let me remind you that eating is the most natural thing in the world—and I’m not going to let you miss out on the delicacies of life because you don’t want to say, “Table for one, please”! You’ve got this.
If you’re feeling awkward, take something to read with you. This helps you connect with and enjoy the present moment. IMO, scrolling on your phone does the opposite and you may miss out on what’s in front of you.
Not comfortable dining alone yet?
Work your way up to it with A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge.
Daily bite-sized challenges to help you experiment with doing things alone
A judgment-free zone to share all your feels about how the day’s activity went
7 journal prompts to help you process and learn from what you did that day
4. Mind your mind
The way you speak to yourself matters, so mind the influences you’re letting in there.
If you’re full of negative self-talk—like, “This is too hard” or “I’m not cut out for this”—check it, squash it, and replace it with something better.
Repeat mantras. Journal positive thoughts. Get a pep talk from your friend—whatever you need to do. The key is to fill your mind (and social media feed) with positive empowerment.
5. Take the first step
Solo travel can start small. You can build up to your dream trip. But you have to take a step, no matter how small it might be.
Or, if you’re already comfortable hanging out by yourself, it might be researching a trip you want to take. It might be telling a friend you’re planning a trip. It might be booking the flight or Airbnb.
I’ve always loved the famous quote by French writer André Gide
“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”
Raise the anchor, loosen the ropes, and cast off from shore—you’ve got to take that first step to start sailing anywhere. Your solo travels and independent adventuring are waiting for you to do so.
Remember: Solo travel doesn’t have to mean international travel
I acknowledge the time, financial, and passport-power privilege I have to travel abroad. I’m grateful for this and recognize there are very real barriers that prevent people from doing the same.
But even if traveling internationally isn’t an option for you right now, the power of solo travel and doing things alone is still available to you. Traveling is simply exploring a new place, which you can start doing in your own backyard.
You might book a night at a hotel in a different neighborhood so you can catch a play or movie and eat at a trendy restaurant. Or, enjoy a solo trip to a neighboring town for a change of scenery—grab your book or other solo hobbies, bookmark some cute cafes to check out, and make a weekend of it.As your confidence grows (and time and finances allow), consider short flights within your country or nearby international destinations.
It truly doesn’t matter where you end up, as long as you intentionally embrace the freedom and growth that come from taking that first solo step outside your everyday environment and exploring somewhere new.
Travel or not, all solo adventures lead to self-growth
I may love traveling, but I know it’s just one path to empowerment and confidence.
I firmly believe this self-growth happens when you do anything alone. Exploring new places and doing things on your own—no matter how big or small—helps you learn more about your interests and capabilities while fostering inner peace and contentment.
Feeling Loner Curious? Some intro solo adventures may be
Once comfortable with that, you could sign up for a hobby class (like cooking or pottery), take a day trip to another neighborhood or town, or eat at a restaurant by yourself, sans reading safety blanket.
Alyssa Wiens is a freelance content writer and editor from Vancouver, Canada. Between trips, you can find her working in cozy cafes, kickboxing, and growing her houseplant collection. You can follow along with her work on her website and Substack.
I’ve tried them all—these are the best bars in Providence for friends, dates, and solo time.
I’m not ashamed to admit that I spent many of the wee hours of the morning between the ages of 21 and 23 prowling the streets of Providence with my gang of misfit acquaintances. I worked in public relations; one guy worked with ex-cons; one girl worked at an Ivy League; one bloke was even a pilot.
It was very Cheers-y of us, and most nights felt like a sepia-toned movie montage—the part in the movie where all the wayward souls start to become friends.
And the mise en scène was always Providence, Rhode Island.
There were many golden memories in these bars. Sometimes there were tears. Maybe even a fight or two. Regrets. Sloppy kisses. Lonely nights. Victorious parades home after feeling like the life of the party, as well as shameful, tragic marches with that awkwardly uttered phrase playing in memory on repeat.
So if you’re searching for downtown bars in Providence, you’ve come to the right place. I’ll show you:
Fun bars in Providence to wear a flashy dress and a flashy smile (Winner: Riffraff Bookstore and Bar)
Best cocktail lounges in Providence to pretend you’re an elegant lady or gentleman (or at least make someone else think you’re an elegant lady or gentleman) (Winner: Courtland Club)
Best craft beer in Providence to wear plaid and steep yourself in the nostalgia of 2012’s adorkable years (Winner: The Malted Barley)
Best bar food in Providence for when you’re that many drinks in and need a little pick-me-up (Winner: Harry’s Bar & Burger)
Best neighborhood bars in Providence to just have a beer with a friend without having to get all fashionable about it (Winner: Ogie’s Trailer Park)
M
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Fun Bars in Providence
These are the trendy locales that may be suggested to you by someone the Internet names a “girlie” or a “bro.”
Fun, trendy bars usually turnover fast—but Providence has managed to produce a few mainstays that have been proudly delivering sticky floors and loud music for many a time.
Well, actually, I guess there is one flaw with this jewel of a place. If you want to stand out as the moody, brooding intellectual who brought their high-brow literature to the bar to do some sophisticated reading alone… You’re not going to feel special here. If that’s your MO, you’re better off checking out one of the best pubs in Providence or one of the best neighborhoods in Providence. (More on that later.)
BUT if you want to mix and mingle with other people who love to read (or at least claim to), set your GPS to 60 Valley St #107A, Providence, RI 02909.
2. AS220 Food & Drink
Now this one is a little something special. AS220 is technically a “non-profit community arts organization.” According to their website, they:
“provide all people in Rhode Island affordable access to galleries, performance venues, educational opportunities, residential spaces, and work studios needed to realize their full creative potential.”
You can also eat and drink stuff there.
Seriously, this is one of the more interesting places to check out, other than just for a drink for the night.
“Let’s go sing karaoke,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said.
“They” were two new friends who managed to cajole me to do a thing I never do: sing karaoke after imbibing in a few delirious hours at a wine bar.
“They” also ended up sounding better than Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper when they took on the Hollywood pair’s Shallow duet from A Star Is Born, which I (as the untalented singer I am) was not prepared to hear.
I digress. Whether you want to show off your singing chops or willfully embarrass yourself, this is a mighty fine place to do it.
4. The Eddy
Come to think of it, I think I’ve only been to The Eddy once. I guess I’m not cool enough.
This place is always slammed, so I guess you’ve got to be either a) willing to tolerate shoulder-to-shoulder crowds as you fight to order your basic-ass gin and tonic or b) stop by on an errant Monday night when things are probably slow.
BUT The Eddy isn’t wrong in calling itself a “stylish, dimly lit cocktail bar.” It IS dimly light, and there’s enough polished oak in there to make you feel like you’re inside a jewelry box. So if you want to show off that you’re an intellectual hipster with a little bit of cash, come on down to 95 Eddy St, Providence, RI 02903.
5. The Black Sheep
Calling everyone who wants to have a good time. I sure did the last time I found myself at The Black Sheep 397 Westminster St, Providence, RI 02903. I was celebrating a friend’s birthday, and she started the night proclaiming she wanted to end the night here.
We did. We danced. We sang. And we woke up with a headache that turned into a long-lasting memory we decided to call fun.
The best thing about The Black Sheep? Everyone fits in here. Apparently, The Black Sheep is home to “Rhode Island’s Premiere Drag Show”? And they also have Sunday brunch? (Even I’m just discovering this.) What kind of magical place is this?
6. Tiny Bar
A tiny bar where you can skip tiny cocktails with your tiny (AKA pinky) finger sticking up.
If you head into this tiny joint at 377 Richmond St, Providence, RI 02903, make sure you say hi to my old friend Analise … if she still works there. And you better hope she does because she’s one of the best bartenders around these parts.
Warning: Tiny Bar is not tiny. No, really. While they do have a large, twinkly courtyard to enjoy during the summer months (and the winter months, if you dare), this place can really only handle a few tables. So if you want to feel like a VIP (or if you want an excuse to cozy up to your date), this is the place to be.
7. Rooftop at the Providence G
This one’s for you, People Who Just Want to Go to a Bar That’s Popular. I see you. I don’t feel you. But that’s okay—you do you.
The Rooftop is (you guessed it) a rooftop bar above the Providence G, which are luxury apartment buildings in the center of Providence. I’ve spent my fair share of time at the Rooftop, usually leaning against the wall in a leather jacket with a glass of whiskey acting like I’m too hipster to be there.
But if you’re not as much of a pain in the ass as I am and you just want to have a good old time like most people, good on you. You’ll probably enjoy the firepits.
Pro tip: Make sure you make a reservation first for your night at 100 Dorrance St, Providence, RI 02903.
Best Pubs in Providence
You know those nights when you’re bringing together friends from different friend groups? Besides asking yourself what the hell you’re doing and why you’ve decided to create such an anxiety-inducing night where all your diverse personalities may collide, you might wonder where to take everyone.
The answer is: You can’t go wrong with a pub. IMHO, these are the three best pubs in Providence:
8. Wild Colonial Tavern
Wild Colonial Tavern has a quaint, stone facade that’s right out of a picture book. If you want to play pool, play darts, and/or throw back a Guinness, this is a pretty good place to do it. The atmosphere is relaxed and lowkey, so it’s unlikely anyone annoying will bother you.
Plus, 250 S Water St, Providence, RI 02903 is right near the Providence River, so in the warm months you can sip your cold pints outside and enjoy an easy, breezy view.
They offer “bar bites” but not a full menu, so it’s advised to fill up on dinner before heading out for all those whiskey shots…
9. The Point Tavern
If you want dinner AND drinks but can’t be bothered to call an Uber halfway through the night, The Point Tavern can be your one-stop shop for beer, burgers, and booze. Or if you don’t subscribe to the holy trinity, no worries—this pub also maintains a pretty extensive cocktail menu, including seasonal delights like Winter Sangria and more versions of a Moscow Mule than I can be bothered to list here.
It’s on the very famed Wickenden Street (302 Wickenden St #4469, Providence, RI 02903 to be precise) where you can sip your drinks outside and people watch—or duck inside for weekly quiz night.
10. Trinity Brewhouse
Ah, Trinity Brewhouse. The pub I most frequented out of the three best pubs in Providence. I like the fact that they have a very large, varied selection of craft beers. They also have a basement, if that makes you feel cool in any way. Plus, the food ain’t that bad!
At 186 Fountain St, Providence, RI 02903, United States, Trinity Brewhouse stands loud and proud on the corner and takes up plenty of space, so it definitely doesn’t give you those hole-in-the-wall vibes you’ll find at Wild Colonial Tavern. But that also means it’ll be a lot easier to find a table on a crowded Friday night.
You can’t have it all.
Best Cocktail Lounges in Providence
Cue the moody music. If you want an excuse to dress up or perhaps a dimly lit room to flutter your eyelashes in front of your date, then let me be your guide. I’ve sipped dirty martinis and strutted my best shoes in (dare I say) all the cocktail lounges in Providence—and these are the very best.
11. The Walnut Room
One of the newer additions to the nightlife scene in Providence at 245 S Main St, Providence, RI 02903, United States, The Walnut Room is a very respectable establishment. And yes—by respectable establishment I do mean the place to go with your friend to consume an entire bottle of champagne each and touch up your lipstick in the bathroom like you’re posing for the pages of Vogue.
It has little velvety chairs and wanna-be marble tables. It has lots of shiny wood. And if I do recall, it even has a luxurious black curtain in front of the bathroom door, which you can use to hide behind and sneak a peek out at your date or fling open Disney-princess style to make a grand entrance. Depends what kind of night you’re having, but having options is always nice.
12. Courtland Club
I really do quite like the Courtland Club, but I’ll express my one grievance right off the bat: On numerous occasions, they served me my dirty martini in a tumbler glass. Not a fan.
With that one demerit out of the way, I can otherwise wholeheartedly recommend the Courtland Club. There’s an exposed brick wall inside (come on, who doesn’t love that?) onto which they often project old-timey movies.
Best of all, it has kind of a hidden entrance on 51 Courtland St, Providence, RI 02909, United States. My roommate-at-the-time and I discovered it while going for an ambling walk one night in what we thought was strictly a residential area until we discovered a few too many people walking into this one door suspiciously not-residential-like door. The rest is history (and a little blurry).
13. Justine’s
My best friend and I discovered Justine’s per her mom’s recommendation—who discovered it per the pages of some RI Monthly magazine. Tucked in the not-exactly-picturesque streets of Olneyville at 11 Olneyville Square, Providence, RI 02909, United States, Justine’s lives up to its self-proclaimed title of “unassuming lounge…with moody lighting & a speakeasy vibe.”
From the street, Justine’s looks like a (very cheap and tacky) lingerie shop. Once you step inside, there’s nothing but a small, empty black room, where a rather undelighted bouncer checks your IDs and then ushers you past the curtain. Inside, I have memories of a glittering delight of cozy booths, accent mirrors, and lots of gold.
10/10, I recommend. This is a great spot to go if you’ve already spent a lot of time in downtown Providence and are looking for a little something different.
14. The Avery
At 18 Luongo Square, Providence, RI 02903, The Avery is not far from my old apartment in Providence, so it was easy for me to wander by from time to time on a random weekday.
Another speakeasy-inspired lounge (though far less dramatically so than Justine’s), The Avery is a dark, moody, jazzy bar that’s ripe for date nights and girl nights. (There’s even a fountain and benches out front, so it’s practically begging to be the pivotal scene in a rom-com.)
I will say that (unless things have changed) I’m taking points off for the music. Save the one time a spontaneous marching band came in and belted out a couple brassy tunes, they typically play house music that’s just not on brand with the jazzy, romantic interior design. Kind of a bummer.
15. The Royal Bobcat
Want to start and end your night out in Providence with elegance? Then I suggest you bookend your evening with The Walnut Room and The Bobcat.
Word on the street is, they’re owned by the same dude. And that tracks. Like The Walnut Room, The Royal Bobcat is a dimly lit bar with a lot of polished wood. Except The Walnut Room is on the East Side and is, appropriately, more elegant, while The Royal Bobcat is on the East Side and is, also appropriately, a little more pub-like.
Can’t really go wrong.
16. Needle and Thread
Another relatively new bar Providence nightlife scene, Needle and Thread has quickly become (as the kids say) hip and happening.
Needle and Threat gives off the same ‘20s- and speakeasy-inspired flair as do The Avery, The Walnut Room, and Courtland Club … but (sorry) with a little less sophistication. Though that’s not necessarily a bad thing! At least not all the time. Needle and Thread is easily three times the size of those other bars, so if you want to get your Great Gatsby mood on but your party is bigger than six people, it’s best to head here to 45 Peck St, Providence, RI 02903, for the night.
TLDR; here’s what you need to know about the best cocktail lounges in Providence:
The Walnut Room and The Royal Bobcat are your basic speakeasy-inspired vibe. (They’re even owned by the same person.) But one is on the East Side (The Walnut Room), and one is on the West Side (The Bobcat).
Courtland Club is your speakeasy-inspired vibe for hipsters.
Justine’s is your most authentic speakeasy-inspired vibe.
The Avery is your speakeasy-inspired vibe, dive bar version.
Needle and Thread is your speaky-inspired vibe, basic club version.
You’re welcome.
Best Craft Beer in Providence
If you don’t care about ambiance, cocktails, or trying to look cool in a dimly-lit room and you just care about the beer, welcome. There’s room for you here in the two bars with the best craft beer in Providence.
17. The Malted Barley
The perfect place to wear a plaid shirt and reminisce about watching Season 2 of New Girl. In other words, in a hip, Gen Z-er’s world, this craft beer joint is a Millennial’s escape.
Located on the very appealing Westminster Street in downtown Providence, you can come during the evening for casual dinner and strolling, and then end the night with a pint and a soft pretzel at The Malted Barley. (The soft pretzels are apparently gourmet?)
For fans of trivia night and other bar-friendly activities, this is the place to be. Plus, they even have foosball, which is never not a good thing.
18. Moniker Brewery
When I was living in Providence, Moniker Brewery was but a dream, i.e., continuously in construction. I never did get to see the opening today, but I recently spent the night hanging at its 432 W Fountain St, Providence, RI 02903 location for a rehearsal dinner.
It did not disappoint.
They don’t serve food themselves, but it seems there’s always a food truck out front, so you can craft-beer and stuff yourself with overpriced finger food to your heart’s content.
If you do want to host a party (be it a rehearsal dinner, a birthday party, or whatever hipster soirée of your choosing), then you can call in advance and book the courtyard for only your special VIPs.
And like any great craft beer bar, dogs are welcome.
Best Bar Food in Providence
Naturally, a good night out spent prowling from one bar to the next must be intersected at some point with bar food. Maybe you want the greasy kind that you tell yourself will keep a hangover at bay. Or perhaps you want the slightly overpriced hipster kind that includes something with the word “deconstructed” on the menu.
I see you and hear you, my friend. IMHO, this is the best bar food in Providence:
19. Harry’s Bar & Burger
Oh, Harry’s Bar & Burger. This might be perhaps one of my most frequented joints in Providence—and I’m not ashamed to say so.
Located on the ever popular 301 Atwells Ave, Providence, RI 02903, Harry’s was just one street away from my apartment. As someone who likes to read, write, and stare off moodily into the distance while drinking a few pints (and inhaling a few cheeseburgers), Harry’s was my neighborhood dream come true.
It became my tradition with myself to go there every Tuesday or Wednesday night for a pint(s), a burger, and a few hours of reading. (These Books for Existential Dread were often on the menu.) It was also a great stop with friends to either start the night out or end it with some bar snacks on the way home.
10/10 forever.
P.S. There’s a second Harry’s Bar & Burger on the East Side at 121 N Main St, Providence, Rhode Island.
Do you take yourself on enough solo dates?
Go on, take yourself out.
Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to practice spending more time with yourself.
20. Xaco Taco
Another beloved stop for snacks in the middle of the night. Perfectly situated at 370 Richmond St, Providence, RI 02903 in the Jewelry District (AKA on the other side of the city from my apartment), Xaco Taco was the perfect place for a little midnight snack to keep you going.
Best of all, it’s located right next to the aforementioned Tiny Bar and Nick-A-Nee’s (a hint at what’s to come).
21. Troop
Troop calls itself a “chill hangout with funky decor for eclectic street food fare & cheekily named craft cocktails.” How much of that rings true?
I can attest to the fact that they’ve got some funky decor and cheekily named craft cocktails. Don’t know if I’d call the street food “eclectic,” but it sure is tasty. Notably, this is a good place to go if you’re looking for vegan bar food in Providence in the middle of the night.
I’m told they also often host trivia nights and other activities meant to entice?
Beware, though, that Troop is seriously lacking in the fabric department, which means it gets REALLY loud in there. If you want to whisper sweet-nothings in your date’s ear, this is not the place. But if you want to nod along and pretend like you’re listening to that friend of a friend who repeats the same (not funny) story over and over again? Troop’s got you.
Best Neighborhood Bars in Providence
Trends may come and trends may go, but the good, old-fashioned neighborhood bar is a mainstay that we as a people cannot (and should not) ever go without.
While I enjoy a cocktail lounge or a trendy, thematic bar as much as the next person, some nights you just can’t beat the classic neighborhood bar. Luckily, despite the many speakeasy-wannabe bars that continue to pop up all around town, there are still quite a few neighborhood bars for the Providence insiders to sip and imbibe a few libations on a weeknight.
These are the six best neighborhood bars in Providence:
22. Nick-A-Nee’s
Hands down, this is one of my all-time favorite bars in Providence. But you’ve been warned: It’s cash only.
Not to fear, the 75 South St, Providence, RI 02903 location has an ATM inside. It’s also got a pool table, darts, an eclectic assortment of Americana paraphernalia, and (if memory serves me well) a few model planes hanging from the ceiling.
Not gonna lie, Nick-A-Nee’s tends to attract an older and sometimes biker-esque crowd. But if you want to avoid being hit upon by lame TikTok-influencer wannabes and guys who think giving themselves whiplash to flick their hair out of their eyes is a turn on, then (like me) you’ll welcome the change in scenery.
Plus, a few times a week, it’s bluegrass night. And I think it’s fair to say no one is getting enough bluegrass in their life.
23. Muldowney’s Pub
My wardrobe may have plenty of frills, but sometimes all I want is a no-frills kind of bar. That means going to a tiny, been-there-forever, kind of dumpy bar with a jukebox, a pool table, and a bathroom in which I try to make absolutely no contact with any kind of surface while inside.
That’s Muldowney’s Pub. It’s got a very laid-back atmosphere where absolutely no one is trying to look cool and the drinks are cheap.
Plus, it’s just around the corner from Trinity Brewhouse. So if you start your evening with dinner and drinks at Trinity, you can loop all the way around downtown Providence and make it full circle back to where you started with a chill nightcap at Muldowney’s.
24. Nolan’s Corner Pub
Can there be too many Irish pubs? At least not in New England there can’t be.
At the far end of Atwells Ave (not too far down the road from Harry’s Bar and Burger and The Royal Bobcat), Nolan’s Corner Pub is another dark and quiet room where you can play pool, play darts, or play with your date’s feelings. (Just kidding—don’t do that.)
Like most neighborhood bars, it’s a good place to go if you want to head out for a casual drink without getting caught up in an active, look-at-me bar scene. No one will be wearing fancy clothes. No one will be playing whatever the kids are calling hip music these days. Though someone may card you.
25. Ogie’s Trailer Park
Okay, I take back what I said about most neighborhood bars being a place to go if you don’t want an active bar scene. Because Ogie’s Trailer Park is anything but that.
If you’re a hipster living in the Providence vicinity, then this is certainly the place to go if you want to see and be seen. It has an enormous outdoor seating area with a large firepit around which smokers will congregate once it’s near closing time. It has an indoor food truck where you can buy overpriced fries. And it has a pretty darn groovy disco theme that we all find delightful.
But be warned: If you live in the area, you’re most likely going to run into someone you know here. Tread lightly. (And dress smartly.)
26. Captain Seaweed’s Pub
Last but not least in the round-up of best bars in Providence is good ol’ Captain Seaweed’s Pub. You won’t find this pub mentioned in many “best of” lists since it’s quite far away from the rest of the downtown Providence scene, but I still think it’s worth mentioning, nonetheless.
If you find yourself over the river (through the weeds), past Brown University, and way out by India Point Park, then consider swinging by Captain Seaweed’s Pub. In addition to its amusing name, this pub’s got an equally amusing decor with (you guessed it) lots of nautical-inspired gizmos hanging around, like seahorses, buoys, and (naturally) a pirate.
It’s pretty cute for the summertime, since there’s a lot of outdoor seating with big, straw umbrellas. And for wintertime, you can challenge strangers to a game of pool and hope to score yourself a few free drinks if you win. (This is not Captain Seaweed’s protocol; it’s just something I do sometimes.)
My Top 5 Favorite Bars in Providence
Well that was certainly a walk down memory lane. After living on Atwells Avenue for a few years and circling the city on foot more times than I can count, I daresay I am an expert when it comes to the downtown Providence bar scene.
So here’s my rapid-fire run-down on my all-time favorite bars in Providence:
Bar
My Rating
Perfect for…
Harry’s Burger Bar
4 out of 5
– Nights when you don’t want to go to a bar but you still want to go out – Really good burgers (but they make you pay extra for fries—lame) – Late-night snacks
Ogie’s Trailer Park
5 out of 5
– Sitting outside – Getting cheap drinks – Seeing and being seen
Nick-A-Nee’s
5 out of 5
– Bluegrass music – Escaping the annoying trends of the youth – Really cheap drinks
The Boombox
4 out of 5
– Karaoke – Lasting memories – Hanging with friends if you’re the designated driver
Courland Club
4 out of 5
– Date night – Reading alone and looking mysterious – A calm, peaceful drink
Wrapping Up: You can’t go wrong with any of the 26 best bars in Providence
At pretty much all times of the year, the nightlife in Providence is a-booming.
In general, I’m completely convinced that Providence is a hidden gem and a true jewel in the USA—and its bar scene is no exception.
If you make the journey to The Ocean State’s Big Apple, tell me: Which bar is your new favorite?
“I needed to get away from all the distractions I had built around myself.”
Shelby DiNobile decided to get off social media for a year—not an easy feat when you work in the high-speed fashion industry and you’re used to keeping up with a big network of friends and colleagues. But Shelby says he needed what he calls his “Loner Year” to take a step back, slow down, and look inward.
In a conversation with A Merry Loner, Shelby opens up about why he chose to quit social media for a year, the pressure of maintaining an online persona, and how spending more time alone actually helped him focus on more real, authentic relationships.
This is Part I of a two-part interview with Shelby DiNobile. Sign up here to get Part II (and all future Loner Q&As) delivered straight to your inbox.
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AML: In the past year, you’ve decided to go a little off the radar. You moved. You’ve mostly stopped posting on social media. You even changed your phone number. What incited this?
SD: I had been on the radar for so long, but a lot changed over the past few years: COVID; meeting [my partner]; starting a new job. All those things made me realize like, “You know what? Right now, I don’t want to keep posting everything that I’m doing. I don’t really want everyone to know what I’m doing while I’m doing it. I don’t want them knowing all my personal business.” So I think I’m just getting out of the habit of doing that.
It was also a mental health thing. Every time I posted something, I had friends that’d be like, “Oh, where are you?” “Where are you going?” “What are you doing?” And I don’t want that anymore. It just wasn’t really a healthy situation. I started posting things years ago because I wanted to promote myself in general [for work] and because I did enjoy sharing what I was doing. But at some point, after COVID and when I started getting serious with [my partner], I was like, I just need a break from this. Plus, I’m not sure where social media is going right now and if people are [using] it the right way. It just kind of gave me anxiety.
AML: Did you feel pressure to check how many people were responding to your posts and what kind of responses you were getting to gauge your own personal statistics?
SD: Yes, exactly. That was a big part of it. First of all, I [would ask myself]: “Did I Photoshop the picture to look good enough?” There are so many photos up there, and it’s not like I Photoshop everything, but I do tweak things so they look good. And then it would be like: “Is it getting enough likes?” “Am I getting comments?” I just realized: I am worrying way too much about this, and I need to stop.
AML: Was it a difficult transition? When you stopped, how did you feel?
SD: It was difficult at first because when I was excited or I was out, I wanted to post things or just take a hot selfie or share what I was doing, whether it be for personal reasons or work-related. It was a little bit hard at first because I would go to do it but then I’d be like, “You know what? I don’t want to do that. I don’t know who’s looking at my stuff; I’m not sure of their energy or if I really want everybody knowing what I’m doing right now.”
“It was definitely a time to go inward.”
It was definitely a time to kind of go inward. Because it’s very easy to become very active with social media. If you do it the right way, you can get exposure—and I have. I have used social media; I’ve leveraged it a lot. I’ve made a lot of money off it. I’ve met clients; I’ve gotten jobs. I’ve made more money in certain situations just because my social media looked really good. So those are some of the reasons to keep up with it. But I just kind of got burned out with it.
AML: Yeah, when social media started out, we were just sharing stuff for our friends to keep in touch with them. But like you said, unless you have the right privacy settings activated, you don’t even know who’s looking at your pictures now. And it’s become a tool to get a job or make money or create this over-romanticized version of your life. It’s no longer just about communicating with your friends.
SD: Exactly. I was doing that for a while, exploiting the shit out of Instagram to just put out a really great persona. It’s not like I don’t have one, so I thought: “Why shouldn’t I put it out there?” But it became almost like a job. And then I would overthink certain decisions because my first thought was always how it would look online: “Should I live here?” “Should I look like this?” I buzzed my hair recently. Before, I would have thought: “Should I do that? Is it going to look good online? Is everyone going to like the way it looks?” At some point, I was like, okay–I’m exhausted. I’m just going to do what I want. I’m not going to show anybody anything.
“I would overthink certain decisions because my first thought was how it would look online.”
AML: You called this last year your “Loner Year” and a time to look inward. Without the distraction of social media, what have you been doing? What have you learned?
SD: What I’ve been doing a lot of is, I like to call it, taking stock—of just everything. When you’re on the go all the time and you’re in a certain world where you’re moving and shaking, you just don’t really know what’s going on [with yourself]. You kind of lose perspective of things like, what kind of people are you around? Who are really your friends? What kind of places are you going to? I used this past year to take stock of my life, reflecting on things like, “Maybe I shouldn’t be friends with that person. Maybe that person’s just kind of draining the life out of me. Maybe this industry—fashion and production in general—is draining the life out of me.”
One of the other reasons is—I’ll be completely honest with you—I drank a lot. Last year, I went on a health retreat. I’d been drinking a lot for a long time. I felt like I needed to get control of the drinking and take a look at who I was as a person.
“For the last few years, I’ve been whatever you see on social media.”
And when you go to start mental health retreats like that, one of the biggest things they say is try to stay away from social media. Try to give that a break. Give your phone a break. So that’s kind of where it all started. I knew something needed to change. And also, getting into a serious relationship, I wanted to be more private. It all just kind of hit me at once over the past year, like “Who is Shelby supposed to be for the next decade of his life?” Because for the last few years, I’ve been whatever you see on social media.
AML: You hear a lot of talk about overstimulation with technology, but it’s not just technology. We’re inundated by so much all the time.
SD: That was part of the reason I decided to make a big move; I felt like I needed to be left alone. I changed my phone number. I stopped posting so much on social media. I needed to just get away from all the distractions I had built around myself. I needed to focus on who I was and what I wanted to do and whether what I was already doing was good for me or not.
AML: It seems like spending more time alone, being offline, and looking inward actually helped you focus on more authentic, real relationships?
SD: Yes. I think when you’re looking inward and you’re not so worried about [life online], you’re just having authentic communication with the person you’re with. And when you’re spending more time alone with yourself, you have time to really reflect and understand which relationships in your life are authentic.
Like there was this person I used to travel with, and I don’t talk to them anymore because I realized they were not good [for me] to be around. It was kind of a shock, because this person and that group had once been really important people in my life.
AML: What do you like to do with your newfound alone time? I like to do the typical relaxation things, like candles and a bath with a book. I’m also really into yoga.
SD: That’s awesome. I just got one of those trays that go across my bathtub. I’m like, “Why has this piece of wood changed my life?” It’s just a plank that goes across the tub, but it leveled up the whole experience by a million. I also like to cook—good Italian dishes I grew up with, like pasta, sauces. I love making soups. Otherwise, nothing crazy. I just like to rest and enjoy myself.
This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.
Don’t Miss Part II of Shelby’s Loner Q&A
Next month on A Merry Loner, Shelby dives deeper into what he’s doing to protect his alone time. Plus, he shares advice on learning how to prioritize yourself.
