How to Balance Solitude and a Social Life: A Dual Guide for Introverts & Extroverts

Merry December 16, 2024

Toeing the line between introversion and extroversion.

I love spending time alone. I need it. If I go too long without having some dedicated alone time with my thoughts, I notice I tend to get a little grouchy. (My family probably notices it, too.) 

The same goes for reading time. Ideally, I read every single day, but sometimes life gets in the way. Still, if about three days pass without me getting a little sit-and-stare1 time to block out the world and do some deep-thinking, I become restless, irritable, and frustrated. 

But the same goes in the other direction, too. 

Like most people, if I spend too much time stuck in my own head (or my own apartment (WFH people get it)), then I’ll probably go a little nuts. And by a little nuts, I mean: get depressed. 

Related Posts:

Too much of a good thing: We need alone time AND time to be social

For most people, we tend to do too much of one or the other—and it’s easy to get stuck in old habits. 

If you’re more introverted, that might mean letting several days pass without ever emerging from your shell long enough to actually see sunlight or meet a friend.

If you’re more extroverted, that might mean running on a constant treadmill of social activity and forgetting to take a moment to do the scary thing—that is, be totally alone with your thoughts.

Which one are you? 

How to find the balance between solitude and a social life

It really doesn’t matter if you’re more introverted or extroverted. The important thing is finding a healthy balance between the two. 

That’s what Loner Living is all about: balancing solitude and a social life so you can be at peace whether you’re in a room full of people or all alone.

With no authority, professional training, or business telling other people what to do, these are my two cents on how to balance solitude and a social life so you can get the best of both worlds:

For introverts: 3 easy ways to socialize without giving up your alone time

If too many social engagements feels like a big drain on your social battery, go easy on yourself. You don’t have to rage at a late-night party to get your weekly social fix. Try this instead:

​1. Schedule a weekly friend date

Having a pre-scheduled, recurring friend date on the books is the perfect happy medium between getting out of the house and staying cozy in your shell.

I used to do this with friends back when I was living in Providence, RI. Every Monday, without any text exchanges or other planning, I met with the same motley crew at a local neighborhood bar. (Yes, it was very Cheers-y.) Often, it ended up being my favorite part of the week.

I think part of the magic was that this recurring meet-up scratched both my introvert and my extrovert itches. It got me out of the house on a weeknight to mix and mingle with new faces. But because it was the same place and time every week and there were always a few mainstay drinking buddies, it didn’t drain my social battery the same way going to a regular party would.

It was almost like a non-event—the perfect social dopamine hit for a sometimes introvert.

2. Invite a friend for a low-pressure outing, like a museum visit or a yoga class

Sure, hosting a friend for an evening of Netflix and junk food is definitely low energy while still (technically) checking the box of socializing. But you know what’s equally non-verbal but a little more stimulating (and will actually get you out of the house)?

  • Going to a museum with a friend
  • Meeting a friend at the gym or for a yoga class
  • Getting together at the park for a bookworm’s reading party
  • Even just going for a walk together

These activities are great options for introverts because they get you socializing and mingling in public spaces. But because you’re largely focused on the activity at hand (e.g., staring at art, yoga-ing, putting one foot in front of the other), it’s a lot less taxing on your delicate social battery.

3. Go to the cinema with someone

I know, movie theaters are supposed to be dying, right? Though I’m not sure if we should blame a) the pandemic; b) everything turning to streaming; c) the abysmal churn of remakes and sequels Hollywood is trying to force-feed us all; or d) all of the above.

Nonetheless, I’ve recently started going to the cinema more often, and you know what—the 2000s were right. It’s fun!

Like a lot of people, I already work from home and stare at my computer screen all day. So I’m looking for more leisure activities that, you know, don’t involve more sitting at home and staring at my computer screen. Instead, I want to:

  • put on a cute pair of shoes
  • browse the very limited options of what’s playing at the random hour I show up at the theater and, thus, pick something I might not otherwise have chosen
  • leisurely stroll home in the cool, night air talking about the flick with my fellow moviegoer

It’s just as low effort as watching TV at home, but a helluva lot more romantic.

M

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For extroverts: 3 ways to embrace alone time without giving up your social life

Looking at you, dear people who are allergic to silence and anxious about doing basic errands by yourself. Buckle up—you can do this:

1. Plan a solo night in—and turn off all your devices

Emphasis on “turn off all your devices.”

Even if your physical body is home alone for the evening, you and I both know it’s far too easy to distract your mind with the goings-on of the outside world. I’m not saying you need to adopt the recluse life, but taking a bit of time away from all the short-form videos, he-said-she-said, and other incessant, toxic stimulation would do pretty much all of us a world of good.

Whether you pledge to do it weekly, monthly, or you’re just trying it out for the first time, dedicate a solo night in with just you and yourself. You can:

2. Take yourself on a date

Spending time with yourself doesn’t mean you have to hole up at home and knit the night away (unless that’s your thing).

You can also spend quality time alone by taking yourself out on a date. For instance, you can:

  • Go to brunch or a good, old-fashioned diner and stay far too long while experiencing the joy of reading a book from start to finish
  • Get dressed up and take yourself to a cocktail bar and sip a dirty martini while languidly surveilling the scene
  • Treat yourself to a three-course meal at your favorite or a new-to-you fancy restaurant

And don’t forget to buy yourself fresh flowers. Because, why not?

3. Sign up for a class to learn something new

You want to learn watercolor painting, but none of your friends are into it.

So what? Find a class. Sign yourself up. And mark it on the calendar as your weekly solo date. In fact, there’s a pottery atelier across the street from my new apartment, and this is one of my plans for the new year.

If getting arts and crafts-y isn’t your thing, you’re not off the hook, yet. The list of new things to learn is literally endless. You can take a class in anything that interests you, like:

  • Cooking
  • Dance
  • Music
  • Writing
  • Photography
  • Gardening

I’ll stop there, but you get the idea. This is one of the founding principles of Loner Living: If there’s something you want to do, go out and do it. Don’t wait because you’re afraid of doing it alone.

Never taken yourself on a solo date before?

We can help.

Join A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to become more confident doing things alone.

Loner Living—where introverts and extroverts meet

Like most things in life, it’s possible to have too much of a good thing.

Too much alone time can lead to boredom (at best) and depression (at worst). But living life in the extrovert lane 24/7 isn’t necessarily great for the mind, either. Without time to slow down and focus on a little self-reflection and self-awareness, how can you ever look inward, critique your actions, and try to work on becoming a better person?

To be our best selves, we need a mix of both. Whether you’re more of an introvert or an extrovert, it’s always good to push yourself a little outside of your comfort zone. That’s where the growth happens.

Recommended Reading:

  1. Shout-out to my brother’s friend for coining this gem of a phrase: “sit-and-stare time.” ↩︎

In Defense of Laughing Alone

Nikita Andester December 11, 2024

Your relationship with yourself is the longest you’ll ever have. You might as well make it a fun one.

Yesterday I taught a workshop on photo embroidery. About 10 of us clustered around a table in my little studio as I led the group through progressively more complicated stitches. My friend brought her daughter, who was struggling to nail a French knot (hard enough for adults to achieve on the first go, let alone a five-year-old!). After another of her French knots ended in a tangle, my friend’s daughter started blinking back tears. 

And then a woman stitching beside her made a mistake while embroidering and laughed. 

The girl’s mom—my friend—turned to her daughter and said, “See? Next time you make a mistake, just laugh.”

Laughing at ourselves reframes how we look at a situation—and isn’t only something to do when we’re around other people. If anything, I’d say it’s even more important to laugh at ourselves when we’re completely alone. All too often, we reserve laughter for our friends, and if we do laugh by ourselves, it’s generally because a movie or a video showed someone else being funny. 

Related Posts: 

Bringing light to darker moments

On my eighteenth birthday, I’d just transferred universities and was the new kid on a campus of 40,000, living solo what felt like moons away from the social hive of dorm life. Completely alone on my birthday, the North Florida rain was coming down in sheets. I was sprinting across the campus green from one class to the other, no umbrella, the rain soaking through my cutest birthday dress.

And then I slipped, cartoon-style, splatting right into a puddle of mud. In that second between shock and realization, I had a choice. On one hand, sure, I was alone on my birthday and covered in mud, and if there was any good time to have a birthday cry, that would’ve been it. But on the other hand, here I was, freshly a legal adult, and it was raining, and my dress was still cute, and mud was—is—fun. So I laughed.

A full body laugh, relishing the absurdity of the whole dang thing. 

Eventually, someone passed by, rushing even as the rain let up, and I called out to them. “It’s my birthday!”

They kept walking, and I laughed again.

I don’t think about that moment often, but it comes to me in random turns, like earlier this week when I’d tried to sculpt a cauldron-style pen cup and it ended up a droopy mess, resembling a scrunched face or, as a friend later called it, “a grumpy tooth.”

When I saw the accidental frown I’d sculpted, I laughed pretty hard. And laughing about it made me realize that I love this droopy little not-cauldron I made. And now, I’m honestly very attached to it. But if I hadn’t given myself license to cackle, if I’d let frustration overtake me, I might not have even allowed myself to realize my project was a success, not a failure.

M

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Don’t just laugh at what’s around you—make yourself laugh

I won’t pretend that laughing by yourself changes your life or is the only trick to crafting a joyful future, but it does make your day a little kinder—something we could all benefit from.

But while it’s important to laugh off falling out of a yoga pose or baking a hideous cake, I think it may be even more important to practice the goofy, goofy act of trying to make ourselves laugh.

When we’re totally alone in the kitchen and have a funny thought, we don’t often give ourselves license to laugh aloud about it. And God forbid we decide to test out new voices or silly walks or crazy folds in our faces while totally alone. It seems to be—especially for women—that finding yourself funny is a grave faux pas.

But as someone who moved almost annually growing up, I had the privilege of spending a lot of time by myself. Between the ages of five and 12, I changed schools seven times, and I lived in seventeen different homes by the time I was eighteen. Most of the time, I was either in the throes of surface-level friendships with people I figured I’d only know  for a year at best, or stumbling through trying my hand at cross-school or cross-country bonds in the early days of AOL Instant Messenger.

In short, I flew solo. A lot. But that time was a gift. Not only did it foster a strong sense of self, independent of what my peers might think—I was never in a clique long enough to lose my mind over popularity; I learned to laugh a lot by myself. Because who else was going to do it for me? Even now, that mentality carries through my daily life. If I have a funny idea—jotting down a crazy dream from the night before or repeating aloud a funny first line for a new short story or bending my body in a stupid new way in the mirror—I let myself laugh. Not just a chuckle—over as soon as it starts and almost shy about the space it claims—but a big, hearty cackle, unapologetic and a bit ugly, the sort reserved for a close friend.

Laugh with yourself like you would with a friend

Because ultimately, that’s what we should be to ourselves: friends. There’s nobody we will ever spend more time with, no relationship more permanent, than the one with ourselves. Even in a perfect marriage, you spend hours apart at work or running errands or commuting. The only person you spend every moment with—even your dreams? That’s you. So why not try to befriend yourself? Laughing improves your health and reduces pain and plain old feels good—so why not extend that kindness to yourself, just like you would your oldest friend? 

When I laugh at—or with—myself, it slows down my brain, which is almost always humming like an old computer trying to process too many things at once. A solo laugh brings me back to the present and snaps whatever I’m doing into perspective. And by infusing self-generated levity into my day, I find I handle whatever’s been thrown my way with at least a little bit more ease.

If you’ve never really gotten into the habit of laughing by yourself, it no doubt feels goofy at first. The intimacy of a solo laugh can be almost embarrassing or feel performative. But if nobody’s around to witness it, then who cares? The more you show up for your goofy side when you’re all alone, the more natural it’ll feel. ‘Til one day, you’ll catch your own eye in the mirror and, instead of scrutinizing your latest wrinkle, you’ll pull a silly face, the ugliest and wildest you can muster, and you’ll laugh.

After all, this is the longest relationship you’ll ever have. You might as well make it a fun one.

Not comfortable laughing with yourself yet?

You can be.

Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to practice loving your Loner time.

Recommended Reading

Nikita Andester (she/they) is an author and interdisciplinary artist based in Toulouse, France. She reads for Pulp Literature, is Assistant Competition Director of NYC Midnight, and runs Snail Mail Sweethearts, a newsletter on historical correspondence with a microfiction twist. Her fiction has recently appeared in The New Orleans Review, Bourbon Penn, and Typehouse Literary Magazine, among others, and her debut novel won the Pulp Literature 2024 First Page Cage competition. Talk with Nikita.

The Anti-Gift Guide: What NOT to Buy This Holiday Season

Merry December 9, 2024

Gifts that look good, feel good, and DO good.

It’s that time of year again. When every brand you’ve ever interacted with (if only via a few, long-ago clicks) begins force-feeding you a list of “must-haves” for the holiday season.

Things you need. Things your mom needs. Your partner needs. Your best friend needs. But you know what they’re not telling you? You don’t need it.

Really. You don’t need more plastic. You don’t need more expensive, poor-quality clothes you’ll forget about come springtime. And you don’t need yet another useless trinket that’s just going to sit on your shelf and collect dust, unforgotten for a few years until it hits the landfills.

I get it. I’m no scrooge. People like to exchange and share and generally spread merriment. I’m all for that.

But before you click ADD TO CART for these classic holiday gifts, maybe do a double-take. Can you find a more ethical, more minimalist version instead?

Here are 5 gifts NOT to waste your money on this year—and better, less-evil alternatives.

The shortlist: what NOT to buy this holiday season (& what to consider instead)

  1. Books from Amazon >> local, independent bookstores, instead

  2. Sweaters made out of plastic >> handmade, woolen sweaters from Ireland

  3. Cutesy mugs that no one ever uses >> fair-trade, organic tea

  4. Personal care products that pollute the environment >> certified organic options instead

  5. Any random, unnecessary material good >> the gift of knowledge and inner peace

More articles on mindful consumption:

5 Alternatives to Amazon (and why I no longer buy books on Amazon)

6 Ethical Tea Companies for Fair Trade Tea Bags & Organic Tea

How to Stop Wanting Things

What does mindful consumption have to do with being a merry loner?

A lot, actually. I don't buy to impress, fit in, or keep up with the trends. Instead, I vet, research, and ruthlessly scrutinize brands and products so I only take home what truly adds value to my space and my life. Above all, I focus on buying less, but better.

​

Sign up for A Merry Loner's weekly newsletter, and I'll share my hand-picked recommendations on ethical brands, Amazon alternatives, and artful products that make life simpler, less wasteful, and more enjoyable.

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You’ll also get notes about books, analog living, and solo travel—the pillars of the Loner Mindset.

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    1. Books from Amazon

    If you haven’t already heard, one of the soapboxes I step up onto from time to time is: Can we please pay more attention to the (many) problems of shopping with Amazon Prime? 

    Consider this:

    Amazon workers are physicall suffering. 42% of Amazon warehouse workers report physical pain, psychological pressure, and poor sleep, according to one survey cited by The Guardian.

    Amazon’s carbon emissions are through the roof. 2022 Prime Day ALONE accounted for more than 1.2 million tonnes of carbon dioxide emissions. Fast Company says that’s “equivalent to the annual emissions of 68,000 Americans.”

    Amazon is serioulsy lacking in the ethics department. “Toxic” and “brutal business practices.” That’s just the surface level of  Vanity Fair’s deep dive into the nefarious online shopfront.

    Why not support local bookstores, instead?

    Spoiler: Books cost pretty much the same no matter where you buy them. This holiday season (and beyond), I strongly encourage you to consider shopping from your local bookstore instead of Bezo’s big bad machine.

    If you can’t find what you need in a physical store-front, I love Bookshop.org. Every time you buy a book, the profits of your purchase go into their profit-sharing pool that supports a network of 2,000+ independent bookstores. 

    Other cools things about Bookshop.org:

    They put their money where their mouth is. To date, they’ve raised over $43 million for local bookstores.

    They’re not evil. They’re B Corp™ certified, which basically means they’re recognized for social and environmental performance, transparency, and accountability. 

    They’re committed to staying independent. Per their mission statement: “It is written in our governance documents that we will never sell the company to Amazon or any major U.S. retailer.”

    Now really, what’s the excuse for turning to Amazon instead?

    Visit Bookshop.org

    Ready to give?

    Find gift-giving inspiration from my 2025 reading list—shelved:

    Key Takeaways: Why Bookshop.org is one of the best alternatives to Amazon for books 

    • They’re a B Corp.
    • For every book you buy, your purchase directly supports local independent bookstores.
    • They’re a Climate Neutral company.

    Psst—curious about other alternatives to Amazon for books?

    You got it.
    SEE THE LIST

    2. Sweaters made of plastic

    Sadly, it’s the truth. Not to sound like your grandma, but they just don’t make things like they used to—and that sure as hell goes for clothes. 

    Today, even many expensive clothes are significantly inferior in quality than were their counterparts a few decades ago. 

    Amanda Mull for The Atlantic wrote a fantastic article about the degrading quality of clothes, knitwear in particular, in which she explains why our sweaters these days are “garbage.”

    Hanna Rosin continued the conversation with Mull in a succeeding podcast. For those interested, here’s the transcript.

    "In sweaters...you’re getting a lot of what is essentially plastic. That will show up on fabric labels as polyester or polyamide or acrylic. That’s what you’ll usually find in sweater weaves."

    Amanda Mull

    How are we supposed to buy sweaters now?

    Reject crappy, mass-market labels, and seek handmade, high-quality wares from small businesses instead. Think wool, cashmere—even cotton, if you want a lighter weave. 

    AKA stop buying sweaters made of plastic. Here’s how:

    If you love to shop: I advise you head to your local flea markets or second-hand shops, where you’re more likely to dig up vintage finds made from…ya know, actual fibers (i.e., not plastic). 

    If you’re like me and you hate the hunt for clothes: I’ve got a shortcut: Aran Sweater Market. They’re a small business in Ireland that makes tweed and wool-woven products.

    My husband and I own a few of their sweaters, and we’re even buying a few as gifts this year for others. We like them because:

    • They’re warm.
    • They’re affordable. 
    • They’re high quality and plastic-free. 
    • They’re a small business.
    • They have great customer service.
    • They ship quickly.

    (I’m not an affiliate. I just want to help people stop wearing plastic.)

    Visit Aran Sweater Market

    Why should you stop shopping on Amazon Prime?

    There are better choices.
    THIS IS WHY I STOPPED

    3. Another cutesy mug that'll never get used

    You’ve given them. You’ve received them. 

    Mugs are a go-to gift, making regular appearances at Yankee Swaps, office holiday parties, and once-a-year gatherings with your most distant family members. 

    But be honest: Do they ever end up getting used? Or are they more likely relegated to the back corner of your cupboard, where they bide their time until you eventually move, declutter, or re-gift them to someone else? 

    This year, cut the waste (and the clichés) by skipping the basic mug gift. 

    Instead, if you’re intent on giving a beverage-themed gift, how about some fair-trade organic tea? Think:

    I give more research-backed recommendations on how to choose the right tea to give to a non-tea-drinker, plus tips on how to swap your coffee habit for tea:

    Best Teas to Gift (that everyone will love)

    It's the giving season! (and the avoiding Amazon season)

    Discover 6 ethical tea companies for fair trade & organic tea
    SEE THE LIST

    4. Personal care products with silicone in them

    Surprise! Every time you wash your face or moisturize your body, you’re contributing to the build-up of plastic pollution in oceans and waterways. 

    The culprit? Silicone. 

    Here’s the short-and-sweet need-to-know:

    Silicone is NOT bad for your health. It’s basically an occlusive (which creates a barrier on the skin or hair). [Source: Healthline]

    But it doesn’t do anything special for your skin, either. Dr. Deanne Mraz Robinson, a board certified dermatologist told Healthline: “Unless you’re dealing with an open wound on your face, silicones don’t provide any tangible benefits to the skin.”

    The problem: Silicones are NOT biobased or biodegradable. The buildup of silicone waste is causing concern among environmentalists (which should be all of us). Apparently, the EU was even considering a ban. [Source: Chemical and Engineering News]

    What can you do? 

    Look for silicone-free personal care products. Personally, I like Kora Organics. My favorite products are the bakuchiol moisturizer, hydrating mushroom mask, and exfoliating serum.

    Visit Kora Organics

    At-home spa day, anyone?

    Stay moisturized, hydrated, and in your lane.
    SEE 100+ SELF-CARE IDEAS

    5. Any random, unnecessary material good

    Every year, my mom asks me what I want for Christmas, and my answer is always the same: “I don’t know, nothing.” 

    Disclaimer: I am not special. I, too, buy unnecessary material goods and enjoy having them. I restocked my favorite Kora Organics bakuchiol moisturizer during their Black Friday sale, and I recently bought a new skirt. 

    So I don’t need any more things. 

    Instead, if someone is going to be nice enough to give me a gift, I’d much rather something intangible, like an experience or something I can learn from. Something like: 

    The gift of a quiet mind. I got myself the Calm meditation app a few months ago, and I’ve used it almost every day since: morning meditations; wind-down breathing before bed; some help in the middle of the day when I’m stressed and panicking about everything I have to do.

    The gift of a new language. Last month, I signed up for LingQ. Shortly after, I told my husband: “I think they’ve finally created a language-learning app that doesn’t suck.” I’m learning Polish right now, but LingQ supports 50+ languages.

    The gift of art. Instead of a foreign-made, plastic trinket, why not give the gift of art? That could be in the form of painting less, a ticket to a museum, or (for a tangible gift) a piece from a local artist.

    More ideas for non-tangible gifts?

    How about giving your loved one concert tickets or a certificate for a pottery class?

    See more ideas for “experience gifts” in my post: 5 New Things I Want To Do Alone This Year.

    Conclusion: Give gifts that feel (and do) good

    An anti-gift guide doesn’t make you anti-holiday spirit. 

    While we could all probably consume a bit less, it’s natural to want to express your love for friends and family with a few choice tokens. 

    As always, I’m about quality over quantity. Because the best gifts are the ones that look good, feel good, and DO good.

    Next Steps:

    Share this guide with a friend or family member who’s been bugging you about what they should buy people for the holidays. Hopefully, this will give them some more ethical shopping inspiration. 

    Reflect on the most recent gifts you’ve given. Are they in line with your values? If not, what can you change this year? 

    Make your own “ethical wish list.” If someone does ask what you want for the holidays, you can guide them towards purchases that don’t create clutter, pollution, or plastic.

    Use the image below to save this post to Pinterest so this list is there when you need it.

    The Anti-Gift Guide: Common FAQs

    How do I find ethical gifts without spending too much money?

    Ethical gifts don’t have to be expensive. When in doubt, shop small and shop local. 

    That could be: fresh coffee breans from your local coffee shop; a thoughtfully chosen book from your local book shop; tickets to a local show or musem.

    Isn't avoiding plastic sweaters and big name brands a bit extreme or elitist?

    If it seems that way to you, you’re entitled to your opinion. 

    But doesn’t an actually wool sweater sound nicer, softer, and warmer than a polyester one? Ditto for buying from a small business instead of Amazon’s smorgasbord of questionable, Made-in-China crap.

    What do I do if someone expects a storebought gift from me every year?

    You’re not obligated to fulfill people’s own made-up expectations. But doesn’t mean you can’t get them a thoughtful, heartfelt gift. 

    Instead, how about homemade cookies? A from-the-heart note written in a handmade greeting card? 

    Picture of Merry

    Merry

    Merry is the blogger behind A Merry Loner, a full-time freelance writer, and a lifelong bookworm. Since kindergarten, it was her dream to become a novelist. (She likes to think she's headed in the right direction.) Born and raised in Rhode Island, where she earned a triple-major BA in writing, communication, and French from the University of Rhode Island, she moved to Toulouse, France after the pandemic to complete a master's in creative writing at Univeristé Toulouse Jean — Jaurès. She now lives in Paris with husband.

    Discover how the merry loner lifestyle makes life more enjoyable:

    LONER MINDSET: fresh perspectives on learning to genuinely enjoy your own company

    BOOKS: reading lists for people who love being alone with a good story

    ANALOG LIVING: inspiration to step back from the screen and live a life offline

    SOLO TRAVEL: guides on where to go and how to enjoy it alone

    MINDFUL CONSUMPTION: vetted recommendations for a simpler, less wasteful life

    LONER Q&As: interviews from global voices on how to live a meaningful, enjoyable life

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      How Heather’s Lonely Year at Uni Became the Springboard to Her Greatest Adventures

      Merry November 4, 2024

      At age 25, Heather Lucas has already had the chance to call four different countries home. I met her in 2021 in France, when we both moved to Toulouse to do a month-long, intensive TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) program. 

      But that wasn’t Heather’s first time living in the south of France. She’d already spent three summers working as an au pair for a French family in Provence, making the bold decision to take a break from her studies when she found herself lonely and unsatisfied at university in London. 

      Now living in Leiden in the Netherlands, Heather reflects with A Merry Loner about following her gut, embracing independence, and the incredible power of spending time alone.

      Sign up here to get all future Loner Q&As delivered straight to your inbox.

      AML: Both times you came to France—for the TEFL program and to be an au pair for the first time—what was the reaction of the people around you when you made those decisions?

      HL: Actually, the first time I au pair-ed was during a gap year that I had ended up taking between the first and second year of university. My first year of university, I went to Royal Holloway in London, and I studied European studies and French. And I thought that this was exactly what I wanted to do. But I was also quite young. I was 17, and I was moving to the other side of the country, away from my family and friends. That first year, I actually really struggled and didn’t find a lot of enjoyment in the course. I didn’t kind of get the fun of the proximity to London because, for the first semester, I was underage and a lot of friends were going out drinking. 

      After a lot of decisions back and forth, and me privately going to see one of the counselors at the university and visiting their wellbeing center, I found out that I could transfer to another university. I was like: Oh, my gosh. I had no idea this was a thing. Yes, this is absolutely what I want to do. 

      I had made all of those decisions and gone through that whole process on my own. I didn’t talk to anybody about it. I don’t know if I just felt like I was supposed to enjoy university, and then I didn’t, and I was like: Oh, no. What’s happening? I actually hadn’t really told anybody until it came to the final point of, okay, I’m transferring to Aberdeen in Scotland. But I made the decision a month after the deadline. That’s why I ended up taking a year-long break away from university. But it was the right decision, and I’m happy with the decision because that was what led to me au pairing. 

      I would say that the au pairing had quite a strong reaction from my parents because they were like: What do you mean? You’re going to go live in France and look after somebody’s children for four months? And I was 19. I was old enough to make that decision but still young enough in their eyes. 

      Some close friends were like, oh, my gosh—yes. This makes total sense with the French. So I think friends could kind of see the vision. But this was also one of the first times that any of us were spending time away from each other for such a long period of time. Although we’d been away for university in different places, I think maybe people’s first reaction was like: Oh, no. I’m not going to see you for four months.

      AML: At both points, when you were in university in London and then when you moved to France to be an au pair, how did you feel about being alone in new situations for the first time?

      HL: I think they both felt so different. Being at university in London, I did feel alone. I felt very much on my own. I’d made some friends who I’m still really close friends with now, but it was not so much of a friendship group; it was more of individual friends. This was different to high school, for me. That made me feel a lot more like I was on my own. And I think just the reality of university not being only this academic and education program but teaching you how to live on your own and sort of fend for yourself. It was balancing the academics and the social aspect of university—just trying to do it all on my own. That did feel quite lonely. 

      But then arriving in France, I was just happy. I was like: This is exactly what I want to be doing. I was excited. You know when you know you’ve made the right decision? That was really what it felt like. It was just comfortable. When I arrived, the family met me at the airport, and then it was about an hour’s car journey back to their house. We were chatting away in the car, and I was like: Oh my gosh. I’m doing this. I’m speaking in French for a solid hour. And we found out that we had so much in common with each other, like our birthdays are the three consecutive days in the same month. This detail really stuck with me—it was almost like in that moment I knew I was doing the right thing.

      I suppose because I was jumping in to be part of a family dynamic, that helped me not feel so alone. I had time on my own, which is something I do very much need for myself. But being part of their family unit, at that point in time, was something that I think I really needed—and not necessarily my own family unit. It was different, but it was good. 

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      AML: After that, when you went back to Scotland to finish university, how did that transition feel? 

      HL: I went back to Scotland after having au paired, and I felt so much more confident. I would say confidence was really the thing that I’d been lacking in that first year in London. Going into the next three years in Aberdeen, I was confident in my abilities with French, and I was just also confident that I could socialize; I knew how to make friends which, again, is something that you don’t really think about going into university. But if you’ve just spent almost a decade at the same school, then that’s not something that you’re having to do over and over again because you have the same friends because you’ve grown up together.

      I think I just felt like maybe it was a bit daunting because I knew I wanted to be serious about the studies and I wanted to do well. It was all internal academic pressure, but I’d kind of set that standard. The whole lifestyle stuff and being social and looking after myself—I knew that I could do that, by this point. I think confidence in my abilities really helped in that moment. And I was only a two-and-a-half hour drive or train ride away from my family, so if something happened, I literally could just jump on a train and go home, which at that age was still really helpful. It was just a safety net that was there in case I needed it.

      AML: Your next step was going to do your master’s in the Netherlands, where you are now. You’re obviously older, but how else did it feel different when you came here?

      HL: It felt good. I wasn’t really considering the fact that I was doing this on my own because I was doing this for me. This course was the best maritime history course that I’d found. I was deciding between this and a different university in England, and I was thinking: Okay, what’s the best decision? What’s the best place for me to go, not only academically, but in terms of what I want lifestyle-wise? And I’d realized that if I’d gone to this other university in England, I would have pretty much had the same lifestyle, the same routine. I would have shopped at the same supermarkets. I wouldn’t have changed too much personally. Not only does Leiden have the best course, but it also was the best opportunity for me to grow and for me to do something different. 

      I thought, if I’m going to do this, now is the best time. I’m young. I’m not worried about settling down. I’m not worried about where I’m going to live. And I was just grateful that I was able to do it and that things had worked out that had got me here. It’s been my best experience of university life ever. 

      In terms of not feeling too alone—although I was going into this and doing it by myself without friends or family nearby, at this age now, I’ve got past the need to have people nearby. It doesn’t affect my friendships, even as more of my friends move away from our old hometown. We’re all quite good at keeping in touch, and I’m used to balancing that and seeing people when we can. 

      AML: And you have to live your life.

      HL: Yeah. But also, going to live in the Netherlands, I knew that the flat I was moving into was a shared flat with three other international female students, so we were all going to be in the same circumstances and going through the same stuff. That was actually quite nice. I was excited because I knew there’d be people around me that were doing the same thing, even though none of us were on the same course. We actually ended up getting on really well, and we had a lovely year. It really became a little home, and we got each other through so many deadlines and late nights and the usual uni stuff. That certainly helped me with not feeling like I was doing it on my own. We were doing it independently rather than doing it alone.

      AML: You said it’s important for you to have time alone—that you really need it. Why? And what do you like to do when you’re by yourself?

      HL: It’s just kind of recharging batteries, personally. I don’t know about the whole introvert, extrovert thing. I would say I’m extremely social when I’m with my close friends. But I also know that in a group of people, I maybe wouldn’t be the first to jump up and say something. Maybe there is a part of me that’s introverted, and that’s why I do relish time on my own just to relax. 

      Especially over the last year and also back when I was in France—I’ve been maybe not doing a lot of things physically, but I’ve been using my brain to learn how to speak French fluently and then doing this master’s and using my brain every day to write so many essays. I just found it exhausting, so time on my own would really just be me in my comfy clothes, probably with a cup of tea and likely scrolling on my phone. I try not to, but TikTok is there. I have been addicted since probably the pandemic. Everybody was inside, and we had to connect, and actually, it gave me so much community. Even though it was people all over the world, it was people that you could relate to. It was just light-hearted and helped me take a break from everything—and I still use it for that today. It just takes my brain off everything else. I found that I’ve finally started reading for fun again because when I was studying, starting a book and getting involved with a world of characters was too much. Sometimes I would call friends and family or watch Netflix, but I wouldn’t too often. I needed time on my own to give my brain a break from everything. 

      AML: What would be your advice for people who are hesitant to go out and do things by themselves?

      HL: It’s so difficult to think of anything other than, just do it. Take that leap. And I think you have to trust yourself. You have to trust that, if you’ve thought about doing this, it’s because it’s something that interests you or is the right path or place for you. So just follow it. Just follow that instinct, and see how much you can grow from it. 

      I know that each experience I’ve done, time and time again, makes me come out feeling like such a different person and just knowing I’ve grown up as I’ve done it. That’s what it’s given me. It’s also given me a whole new social circle, and it’s given me new life experiences and new language skills and things that are so invaluable, really. Each time I do something new, it proves to me that I can do it and that I enjoy doing it. 

      I don’t ever feel like I’m doing this because I have to; I’m doing this because I want to. When I made the decision to leave that first university, I made the decision by myself and told my friends and family afterwards. Although they were surprised, ultimately after time passed and everything, they saw that was the best decision for me and that I made things better because of it.

      AML: I agree. I always say that you need to spend time alone to meet other people because otherwise you’re always in your safety bubble. I feel like you actually meet fewer people if you don’t give yourself the chance to spend time alone.

      HL: Definitely. It’s being alone or being on your own that compels you to do more. Sometimes I feel stuck—stuck in a place or stuck in circumstances. But it’s something that forces me to look at new options and go: Okay, where do I want to go? What do I want to do? How do I want to change this feeling of being stuck? And that comes from spending time alone.

      Ultimately, being alone is a driving force behind a lot of decisions that will broaden your experiences. 

      This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

      f

      Stuck in a lonely rut?

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      CG Gaddi November 4, 2024

      Do whatever you want and love whatever you do.

      There is something jarring and unsettling about being alone… I love it. Where I find comfort and solitude, others crave connection and relation. There is a fine line between being lonely and being empowered and I cracked the code to bridge that gap.

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      On being alone…

      When I am alone, I feel free. I am untethered. There are no outside noises to infiltrate my zen. I go where I want… I do what I want… I am present. There is no rush, I am in no hurry. This is how I embrace being alone. 

      I was not always like this.

      As the eldest daughter, I endured an interesting dynamic of isolation and responsibility. I have been face-to-face with addiction, the dissolution of my parent’s marriage, and relational trauma. I also paved the way for my sisters as a positive role model – entering college first, moving out of the house, graduating college, becoming an adult. Though I had family and friends that supported me, it was I who navigated the uncharted territories and found solutions to help build my confidence and lean into my unfamiliar loneliness. 

      How did I do this though? I realized that I am responsible for me… and me alone… and I accept that wholly.  No one is coming to save me. This is my fate. Though I can be a beacon of love for others, I am alone. 

      Why is it so scary to be alone? 

      It’s scary to face the reality of who we are. Many people prefer to never be alone. From the depths of loneliness, we yearn for connection… but connection cannot be formed until you do a deep dive into your flaws and face your darkness. 

      True connection starts from within. Until you understand why you struggle to find contentment alone, it’s hard to build meaningful connections with others. 

      I am prepared to write about how to accept the fate of being alone (a loner). I recognized that radical acceptance of “what is” can lead to a life of bliss and harmony. 

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      Steps I took to find peace in being alone

      1. Love Yourself

      I wake up and choose to love myself for who I am. When I love myself, I walk around embodying love and sunshine for others. My purpose is to create joy. These people do not know I endured my parent’s nasty divorce at a young age and was the eldest daughter with a major god complex and an addiction problem. I did a lot of hard work (journaling, therapy, lots and lots of research) to accept the darker parts of myself. 

      I start my days with a guided meditation in a beautiful place and some “I AM” affirmation statements. I practice mindfulness. I focus on my breath. In this silence I make peace with my mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. In this silence, I find acceptance of what is in this present moment.

      Throughout the day, I continue to honor myself and (as always) do whatever the heck I want (because I am alone and I love it). Because I showed myself love and care and filled my own cup, I can now spread the wealth and fill others’ cups by creating joy, love, and care for them as I did myself.  

      I fill their cups and then turn around and fill mine again. It is ever flowing. 

      2. Surrender Control 

      The world moves, we follow. What is going on around us is (none of our business?) out of our control. To surrender control means to release the grip we have on certain outcomes (relationships, situations, etc.). I cannot control what is outside of me. I simply let go. I observe. I do not absorb. This is important when accepting that I am okay alone.

      When we grasp onto the fundamental idea that we have no control of the outside world, you accept what is. This is when your mind gets quiet. You then dig into your issues; become your worst enemy, become your best friend, then become your own internal reference point. I cannot rely on anything outside of me for it is ever changing and unpredictable. 

      How do I respond to the unpredictability? By surrendering control. How can we act on surrendering control? Pray. Find something or someone to pray to. Ask for help. Be open (and accepting!!) to all points of views, but release control to a higher power… whatever that is for you. Let go of what you cannot control… it will drag you and drag you and drag you until you are exhausted if you do not let go. Follow the path that is unfolding in front of you and enjoy the ride. 

      When you give up the need for control, you begin to accept what is. This is critical in accepting that you are alone. 

      3. Do What You Love, Love What You Do All The Time

      By loving yourself and surrendering control, it becomes easier to do what you love shamelessly… alone… all the time. You only live once. Explore a new place. Find a new hobby. Dive into something you are interested in. Fall down the rabbit hole. Be confident. Be authentic. Be shameless in your choices. Do what you love, love what you do. 

      Trust your inner wisdom and guidance. When you get to know yourself deep down, you trust yourself. You become boundless. You can achieve anything you set your mind to. 

      Drown out negativity. Do not ever feel embarrassed (about anything) being alone. I’ll let you know right now – there is no flashing sign over your head saying I AM ALONE and even if there was? Nobody cares. There are no outside noises. 

      If there are judgements or outside voices, wipe that dirt off of your shoulder – these are external reference points. This is YOUR life to do as you please, not Larry, Harry, OR Moe’s. People will always have something to say but when you grasp that your choices are yours alone and you do not have to prove anything to anybody, you will be free. 

      4. Radical Acceptance—Accept What Is

      By accepting “what is” and doing what you love shamelessly, you too can live free and untethered. 

      With the winning equation of SELF-LOVE + SURRENDERING CONTROL + DOING WHAT YOU LOVE, I was able to truly radically accept and make peace with being alone.  

      Being alone isn’t about relinquishing your connections, it is reclaiming a relationship with yourself. This is where you can find comfort in solitude. To be truly happy being alone, love yourself, surrender control, and accept what is. This is the winning equation to a life of harmony and bliss. Take these steps and rewrite the narrative of your life.

      Ready to accept (and love) your fate?

      Sign up for A Merry Loner’s 7-Day Do Things Alone Challenge to learn how to love spending time with yourself.

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      CG Gaddi has been passionate about writing since she can remember. Her mission is as follows: to create safe spaces for people while promoting love and inclusivity. Her goal in life is to inspire joy. She flows with the wind and is currently residing in Long Island, New York.